The raw unscripted life of Natasha Hurst: 2016

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

The same yet different!

The common threads that I have observed in the indigenous/tribal contexts of healing throughout the lectures has been a strong holistic approach to medicine. The view that health is more than just physical but also related to mind, body, community, nature and spirit. Balance of these things is paramount with each being inseparable from the other.

The belief in something greater than themselves played a big part in their lives and enabled a deep interconnectedness with everything within and without. Traditions and values were the back bone of their culture; with knowledge, orally being passed down through story-telling, song, dance and art.

The ways in which the cultures addressed different components of illness by using varying approaches was also similar. This included things such as prayer, manipulative therapies and herbal medicines to name a few. Other commonalities included a trusted and respected member of the tribe holding the position of healer and acting as an intermediary to connect with ancestors of the past.

The affect that colonisation had upon the cultures was also similar; the introduction of new disease, foods foreign to their genetic makeup and changes to their way of life having a devastating impact to their health overall.

Although they share many similarities some of which are mentioned above, there are also things that set them apart from the other.

Geographical, climate and environmental differences meant that food sources varied based upon what was more readily available. Those in the Arctic survived on animal fat, South East/West America were more carbohydrate based and others such as the South West Coast of America had a higher protein diet from mammals and fish.

The way in which the tribes lived also differed; from those that were nomadic/mobile based tribes to the more stationary/village based. There was also a contrast in the way in which they lived, from those who resided in a tepee, to those who dwelt in the crevices of a rock face.

Although herbal treatments were a commonality of the cultures with similarities in the way in which herbs were administered, there was a uniqueness in their usage in the treatment of ailments. Differences were also seen in the types of herbs available again due to environmental and climate factors, although there were cultures that did use the same herbs for differing purposes.

Despite spirituality being highly regarded across the tribal cultures, their religious beliefs varied; from the worship of either one or many gods/goddess’s and the masculine/feminine being interchanged between them.

There were also different beliefs in regards to the cause of illness; be it sent by gods as retribution for sin, alienation from cultural land and community or because of the taboos or virtues being broken.

Another difference that I noticed was the visibility and depth of knowledge that could be shared by some cultures but not by others. This, I believe is due to many of the cultures using oral transmission, thus not leaving behind written archives.

xox LLP, Tash

Eeekkkk...life is crazy!

Its all becoming increasingly 'real'...I am going to be having surgery in only 2 more sleeps eeekkk!

To say I have been a major stress head the past week or so is an understatement and a half but the haze seems to be lifting a little despite the nerves elevating.

WORK

I finished work for the year on Friday so that I could have this coming week to tie up a few personal loose ends and also to spend time with my fam'. I am allowing myself 6 weeks off work which is stressful financially but I think is better for me personally to ensure a good recovery time. It can always change if I've bounced back quicker and we are on the desperate side.

UNI

Last week I dropped out of uni...well, not completely only the November intake that I have been doing for the past 4 weeks. I pretty much just swapped into the December intake which started today. Sounds crazy yeah that I will restart only days before my op? Unfortunately though it was the best option.

I could of gotten extensions for my assignments (mind you only those worth 20% or more could be extended and there were quite a few under that which I would of had to try and get done) but it was only a 2 weeks max extension. Basically it would of meant I was constantly running behind the 8 ball to catch up and we all know how well I cope with that...both the running and being behind LOL.

Option 2 was the one I took - swapping from Nov to Dec. I would of preferred to re-enrol for Jan but I couldn't unless I forked out some big bucks to fund it myself and well, its Christmas and my money has been used to spoil my kids.

Whilst not perfect it is still a load off as doing it this way means that I wont need to worry for the next 4 weeks as I have already done that part of the course.

Unfortunately it does mean that my exam week falls on the same week as the court contest which sucks. On a plus though the uni is only a few blocks from court and its only for 90 minutes so I will be able to do both. The other hurdle we will need to work around is that Aces first high school camp is also that week and I really want to be able to drop him off and pick him up. Enough stressing about that now though we will deal with that when the time comes!

Oh have I also mentioned that it is ALOT of work...omgoodness once I am back on my feet I need to work a schedule out that will fit better as late night catch ups are exhausting. I am enjoying it though. I am loving learning about the different healing styles of the cultures throughout history and the challenge of chemistry is keeping me on my toes.

CHRISTMAS

Our decorations are all up - actually we did them early as I needed to have it ticked off my to do list.

When the boys were decorating the tree they said 'Mum! Did you and Mark miss a piece when you set up the tree? It looks like its shrunk!' LOL Ummm No!! Stop bloody growing up too fast holy cow!! Last year we needed to lift them up to do the star this year they can reach on their own. Omgoodness where did the time go!

So up until Saturday morning I had been stressing about not having stuff ready for Christmas BUT after a mad dash around the shops on Friday and again on Saturday, I think I have it all under control. We have a few things we are waiting on to arrive via post but at least its been ordered. I am sure I will have forgotten a few bits and pieces but I will just have to send Mark down to get them.

JEFFAL

We received a special delivery from the North Pole on December 1st - a scout elf that the boys have named Jeffal (Jeffrey Alex LOL). It's nice to have our very own Hurst-Smith-Shilling tradition. So far he has been found in the cereal box which the boys found hilarious. This morning he was still sitting in the tree...oops, we told the boys that as he must not of needed to go off to the North Pole to give Santa a progress report as they had spent the weekend at Glenn's - they seemed to buy it. I wonder where he will be found in the morning?

LAPBAND

Today I went in and had a whole 4mls of fluid taken out of my band. I was so nervous the whole way to Williamstown thinking it was going to be a nightmare but luckily he got it first go 'phew'. 4mls is heaps to have out but the last thing I want after my op is to be spewing up and possibly damaging my throat so it had to be done.

BIKES

I don't know if I mentioned that a few weeks away some arsehole waltzed through our backyard and stole Mark and Aces bikes? So anyway without saying too much the police followed a lead that didn't have an outcome on the day but only a week later Aces bike was miraculously handed in to the police station in the suburb where the investigation was made...coincidental much? All that aside Ace was so happy to have his bike back.

No sign of Marks bike but he was given a bike as a replacement which is almost brand new. We feel so blessed by such a kind gesture and its a major load off not having to stress about how to we were going to find the money to buy him a new one.

HIGH SCHOOL

Ace had his first ever high school experience last week and loved it. I was stressing a bit but the fact he gave me a kiss and cuddle in front of everyone when I said goodbye melted my heart and gave me one of those 'thats my boy' moments. Tonight we had an info night and tomorrow is the proper Orientation day.

Unfortunately one of 'Satans' kids are going there next year which is a bit of a worry but we have spoken to the school and made them aware of "everything". I also know a few of the staff too so they will keep an eye on Ace which is comforting.

SCHOOL INTERVIEWS

In my madness to get everything in order before my operation I even managed to bring our parent teacher interviews forward. I am so proud of the progress that both of my boys have made this year. The main thing said about each of them was how they are just genuinely good, kind, caring boys and that for me is more important than grades. Unfortunately I didn't get to do Jazz's specialised interview so it will be interesting trying to do it after the op LOL.

WEEKEND AWAY

My sister and her fam' gave Mark and I a night away as a combined Birthday/Engagement gift. So on Saturday we headed off to Torquay and spent the night in the Peppers Sands Resort. We went for walk along the beach and then pretty much locked ourselves away in our room. It was so good being away from everything and just simply being in each others company. It was the recharge we needed.

SWIMMING POOL

Something I had been stressing over was getting the pool up for the boys (Mum's Christmas gift to them), thankfully though Glenn came up tonight and he and Mark did it together while I took Ace to his high school info night. I know I have said it before but I am truly thankful that we can all get along the way we do.

CHIRO SESSIONS

Last week I started some pre-op Chiropractic sessions which include Low Level Laser therapy which is said to stimulate and encourage the cells to function - hence boosting immunity and recovery. I am so thankful to Mark for organising it for me and even more thankful that it has been given as a gift. Oh golly I will certainly be paying forward all these acts of kindness once I am on my feet again.

WRAP UP

So anyway, that's that...I could bore you with the list of things I still need / want done before my op but I won't because as Mum my said last week, 'The time will pass anyway whether you are ready for it or not, so there is no use stressing over tomorrow'. Wise lady that one! I am so glad that we found our way back to each other - I will never allow my pride to get in the way of what matters most ever again. Time is something that you can never get back.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

History of Healing – Relevantly Compelling

The history of healing; its philosophy and cosmology, offers a broader view of the story of health and healing over time. It allows us to blend together all the common threads of traditional medicine and delve deeper into the reasons as to why or how we have held onto some traditions and let go of others. Through the observation of the complexities of health throughout history, and the vast array of traditional values and approaches used in healing, todays complementary medicine practitioner can get a sense of how much complementary medicine and conventional medicine, has evolved over time.

As reflected in the lecture material, traditional healing has a deep spiritual connection which is all encompassing; self, nature, family, ancestors of the past. It has a rich diversity that I find conventional medicine lacks. However, despite my perception of conventional medicine being staunch in nature, I do see some advantages that it has offered both historically and in today’s common age; this has been clearly demonstrated by the successful blending of both approaches in Fijian and Samoan practice. From my own experience, I have found that the two working together have proven more powerful than each perspective alone.

I personally view medicine (be it complementary or conventional), much the same as I view religion. When it is stripped back and dogma is removed, operating simply from a place of love, the main goal/belief is the same – to heal; to bring wellness to a person.

In saying that however, for me traditional healing is much more compelling. I believe it is the roots of the holistic way of being and is the foundation of not just complementary medicine, but of all aspects of medicine. After all, every story has a history, a place from where it originated.

Perhaps my bias towards the traditional perspective is due to my Maori blood line; my love of nature, my bond with whanau (family), my respect of tupuna (ancestors). Our culture overall plays a big part of who I am. Why I am studying this course was reaffirmed when reading the material. I have mentioned in earlier posts that I was born into a lineage of Tribal Healers; what I haven’t mentioned is that these days, despite the knowledge and deep connection of cultural beliefs, those elders who have passed down information from generation to generation believe in the integration of the two approaches; albeit begrudgingly and if they ever knew I told you this, they would deny it!

xox LLP, Tash

Why I’m here and What I’ve seen?

In one form or another, natural medicine has always been a part of my life. Growing up, I fondly recall my Grandfather pointing out plants and telling me that they were good for this or that, sharing his wealth of knowledge related to Maori tribal healing techniques, which were very spiritually based; my Dad would place spider webs on my cut knee to stop the bleeding and seal the wound; Mum would grow Aloe Vera in our back yard and use it on my sunburned skin during the hot Australian summer months; long before the slip, slop, slap craze! I too have an Aloe Vera plant in my backyard and cobwebs are left in one corner of the house; a tradition I hope that my children will also follow!

In 1998, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and my GP integrated natural therapy into my treatment by giving me intravenous vitamin C. Through this treatment, I overcame a lot of the debilitating effects of CFS however, it left my immune system in tatters. Lifestyle changes were a must and even though I would often stray from the path of Natural/Spiritual healing, I have always been drawn back to them. Most recently, I started seeing a Naturopath to help with my recurring bouts of Tonsillitis, as I had grown frustrated with my body being constantly napalmed (and my butt being jabbed!) with antibiotics, which would then see me requiring another medicine to counteract the side effects of the original prescribed medication; it was a vicious cycle! Initially, Naturopathy was an alternative form of treatment for me, however due to the severity of the infections which requires surgical intervention, my Naturopath suggested that we take a complementary approach until they are removed. Even though I am again taking antibiotics, the herbal mixture and probiotics has eliminated my need for additional conventional medication, as I am no longer experiencing the nasty side effects.

So, as you can see from this brief insight into my health journey, my desire to learn more has greatly been influenced by my own personal experience.

On a professional level, I am finding that many of my clients are generally becoming more interested in taking on a more natural/holistic approach to health and well-being; as opposed to the small country folk way of thinking that has an ingrained stigma of natural medicine. I believe a shift within my local community is occurring, as we have quite a few of our local GP’s that refer their patients to Natural Therapists; Massage Therapists, Personal Trainers, Nutritionists and yoga/meditation classes. One GP offers acupuncture as a part of his consultations. Recently, our town gained a health food shop and salt therapy rooms which has assisted exposure of natural therapies further.

It is my hope that by branching out into Naturopathy, that I will be able to help my clients on a higher level, by offering a package that encompasses a holistic approach of natural health. Perhaps in the future, my GP and I will work together to combine both of our passions and increase awareness within our local community even further and perhaps even remove the stigma completely…wouldn’t that be awesome!

xox LLP, Tash

The start of my Naturopathic Journey...

Hey everyone,

As you may know 3 weeks ago I started studying a Bachelor of Naturopathy at the Endeavour College of Natural Health here in Melbourne. My first couple of subjects are Chemistry & Biochemistry and History of Healing. Chemistry is sending me into a mind spin as there is so much information to process in such a small amount of time before we move onto the next topic. I have no idea how the heck I am going to remember 13 weeks of material for the exam at the end of the semester...eek, lots of revision ahead of me. The History of Healing surprisingly has been really interesting. I say surprisingly as history has never really been my thing, but I am loving learning about how different cultural traditions have viewed healing and the methods and techniques they have used.

So anyway, I'm not sure if you will find this interesting or not but I thought I might share some of my forum entries with you all starting off with my introduction post, which I actually found a bit difficult to write - its hard to condense 43 years into a few paragraphs.

I'm Natasha (either pronounced with or without the 'r' sound - I answer to both, and also to Tash or Tarsh). I am 41 and 11 months and live in Bacchus Marsh which is 45 minutes from Melbourne. I am a Mum to two rambunctious boys aged 11 and 13 who are my world. I am newly engaged and very thankful for my partners support so that I can pursue this journey towards becoming a Naturopath, which I must say has me excited and nervous at the same time!

For me, the journey of holistic healing started a young age (I was born into a linage of Maori tribal healers) however, after losing my Dad to cancer when I was 16 I shut myself down completely. After a period of trials and confusion which culminated in the diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in 1998, seeing me nick named 'Typhoid Tash', I visited a Mind, Body and Spirit Festival and received the wake up call I needed. From then on I started opening myself up to the universal energy and reconnecting spiritually and as fate would have it (synchronicity at its finest), I would meet just the right people at just the right time or find books which contained the answers I had questions to. My thirst for knowledge was ignited. I completed my Mastership in Reiki, attended classes and workshops in Meditation, Aromatherapy (I am also a DoTERRA wellness advocate), Shiatsu, Massage, Psychic Development to name a few.

Unfortunately in 2001 my life was once again turned upside down and I started to live what some might call a 'Rock'n'Roll' lifestyle, which saw me straying from my path.

In 2003, I fell pregnant with my first child and made a decision to once again turn my life around. He was born in Jan 2004 and in Jun 2005 his brother joined him. As the one thing I wanted for my boys was to be happy and to follow their dreams, I felt that I should lead by example and walk the talk so to speak!

One of my biggest dreams was to sing and so that's exactly what I did and performed regularly in pubs and festivals as a guitarist and singer. This is something that I loved doing, however it was not something that I found worked well for my family, so it became more of a part time thing and up until a year ago I was doing the odd gig here and there performing my original material (a fusion of country, folk with a dash of blues and pop-rock). I haven't been able to perform for the past year due to Auto Immune issues, I constantly get tonsillitis and am 'not' very patiently waiting to have them removed. I also work as a photographer now and then capturing everything from weddings to newborns.

I picked up where I left off with regards to Massage and studied to become a Remedial Massage Therapist. I also became a Personal Trainer, as my weight has always been an issue and I wanted to help others achieve the same kind of results I had with regards to weight loss (although I did have the help of a lap band - certainly not the easy way out). I also did a Cert III course in Nutrition. I am currently running my own home based business as a Remedial Massage Therapist & Personal trainer.

I love singing and playing the guitar, photography, blogging, camping, quality time with my family and friends and pretty much anything that allows me to be creative, oh and I love my cat 'Tat' who thinks he is a dog!

I decided to do the Bachelor of Naturopathy because I felt that it would add a new dimension to my current career, because of my own personal experience of Naturopathy throughout this past year with my own health issues and to be able to support my families health and well-being in a more natural way (both of my boys are asthmatics, my partner has ongoing health issues and my Mum was diagnosed with Cancer earlier this year).

Despite the fact that my physical health is not 100%, I am happier and mentally healthier than I have ever been. It feels great to be connected to life again and to be pursing something that makes me both excited and nervous at the same time!

xox Tash :)

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Surgery is booked!

So...last week I went to my second hospital pre-op appointment and saw the anesthetist and although I am borderline (closer to the line than not) anemic there has been a slight increase in my levels and I was approved for surgery - YAY #1!

On Monday morning I got a call asking if December 7th suited me to have surgery. I didn't even check my diary I just said Yes then and there - YAY #2!

Hallelujah!

I am so excited about it FINALLY getting done after waiting very impatiently for the past year and pretty much being constantly sick for a total of 2 years now.

I am shitting myself a bit though!

Not only because I have to get everything 'Tash' ready before the op - so much to do omgoodness!

Or, the fact that its going to hurt like an absolute biatrch.

Or, because I know recovery probably isn't going to be quick or easy as my immune system isn't going to miraculously fire back up overnight which means it will affect us financially as I won't be working and also means that I will need to get the exemptions in place for Uni.

Or, because I know that having my tonsils removed is only op#1 of the bigger picture (I will talk more about that when the time comes).

Or, what my voice will sound like after the operation.

Although, all those things aren't making it any easier.

What is scaring the shit out of me most is the thought of what happens next?

As much as I hoping that after this operation my life can return back to some semblance of the past there has also been so much in it that has changed since I began getting sick (to the point I have been at least) that its almost a blur. It kind of feels like I am being given this opportunity to start over, to reinvent myself so to speak, which is awesome on one hand but bloody scary on the other...remembering the issues I have with change and all.

So anyway, I am 'trying' to just take it all a day at a time and not over think things - hahaha, funny right!

That's about all I have to share at the moment - I will try and keep you all updated throughout the process...wish me luck!

Love, Light and Peace

xox Tash

Oh...

PS. Studying is going well although OMGOODNESS sooooo much work, last week I contemplated throwing in the towel but this week I seem to have found my groove a little. I must remember to apply for exemptions.

PPS. Our DHS case worker popped in today to discuss a few things and so Mark and I have a bit of contemplating to do. Mind you what we discussed with her pretty much only confirmed that which we had already considered but its hard to make it final...if that makes sense. At the end of the day though we need to think about what is best for our family and that is Hosanna included of course.

PPPS. I am feeling a lot more positive about things these days in comparison to my last post, things aren't all smooth sailing but at least it hasn't gone down like the Titanic.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Thoughts...

12 noon

I've just returned home from a counselling session and as always it has helped heaps, but I still have so much going on in this head of mine and so I thought I would try and get it out on the page so that I can de-clutter and have room to actually process each one individually. Omgoodness where to start...

Uni - I'm gonna say it again 'Holy shit - what was I thinking?'. How the fuck am I going to find 20 hours a week to dedicate to this? How the fuck am I going to remember everything? Should I already be enrolling for me next subjects? What if I can't remember all the stuff from the subjects I got exemptions for?

Court - Is fighting for what we are fighting for really the best thing for my family, for me? Should we work towards rebuilding the broken relationships? Would we just be inviting the devil back into our lives? Are my doubts just fear? How can I keep my boys protected? Am I being overprotective?

Wedding - Do we save up for a proper one or do we just elope and use the money for things we really need? What kind of dress do I want? Am I going to lose weight? Maybe I shouldn't focus on that because what if it triggers my eating disorder? If we go on a family holiday where should we go? Will we be able to fit it in with everything going on?

Money - I am so sick of being broke! How can I continue to work and study at the same time? How are we going to manage Christmas, Ace's Birthday and still live? How are we going to manage during the recovery period after my op?

Health - I'm sick yet again wtf! I just want these tonsils out ffs! When are they going to finally rip them out? Oh shit if it is this year I still have a crap load of stuff to organise!

My Ex - Do I drop off the boys next fortnight even though they don't really want to go and the reason why they don't want to go is valid and despite me discussing it with their Dad after the first time and him sating it wouldn't happen again? Thankfully he is moving soon so it shouldn't be an issue again but what to do in the meantime?

Family - I'm worried about Mum especially more so now that we lost our pet cockatoo of 35+ years last week. I'm worried about me not having a bond with my niece and nephew due to not seeing them because of always being sick.

Plus so so many more thoughts about everything...its pure craziness!

As you can imagine each thought is popping up and then I'm having a conversation with myself, well more of a debate between my heart and my head. I guess the positive is that I have good supports that I can use to give me different perspectives on each of my thoughts even if often it just throws yet another train of thought into the mix.

Phew any wonder I am so exhausted. It doesn't help that I haven't had a decent sleep for the past 3 nights because I've been worried about my youngest having an asthma attack in his sleep - and see that just sent off another train of thought about how my sisters coping? and me feeling guilty worrying about my son when my little nephew is only a bubba and they are going through so much more. FFS...I need to turn off my brain!

10.00pm

So this afternoon after blood tests, doctors appointments and running around to find somewhere to print and laminate an A3 sheet for uni I came home and thought I'd lay down while I watch my Uni Tutorial before needing to work tonight. A few hours later I woke up oops! Thankfully my sweet man had messaged to clients to say I was unwell, did everything else that needed to be done around the house and also took care of our boys - gosh he's just the best!

So anyway here I am still exhausted despite my long afternoon/eveing nana nap.

On a positive though getting my thoughts out of my head and down on paper (well my phone screen) has helped somewhat...makes it more like something I can come back to and address one by one rather than being jumbled mess.

Another positive is that tomorrow is a day off work so I plan to sleep in and then make a proper start on my uni stuff.

Tonight however I am going to shut down this brain of mine and rest...my phone is at 3% so maybe its a sign lol.

Oh and yes I know MINDFULNESS - I have all the skills I just need to do it!

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

I've got this...

Today (Monday the 7th of November 2016) is officially the first day of my university degree...to say I'm nervous and a bit stressed is an understatement - I think I've asked myself 'what the heck were you thinking?', a million times already LOL. BUT I am also very excited about my future and working towards something I can be proud of myself for and so very blessed that I have an amazing support network.

Day 1 of being a uni student didn't exactly run smoothly due to my little man Jazz, being unwell and us spending a good part of the day at the doctors.

However, I juggled and rescheduled like a mad woman and not only did I get work done (massages) but I even managed to stock the fridge/pantry with good healthy food (I love Coles Online), cook tonight's meal and precook another two nights, spend time with my boys, get the house into ship shape order AND look through my uni stuff to diarise assessment due dates and exams over the next 14 weeks.

I also wrote my first forum post which was an introduction piece. It took me ages and after writing and rewriting and editing and re-editing, I finally posted this:

I'm Natasha (either pronounced with or without the 'r' sound - I answer to both, and also to Tash or Tarsh). I am 41 and 11 months and live in Bacchus Marsh which is 45 minutes from Melbourne. I am a Mum to two rambunctious boys aged 11 and 12 who are my world. I am newly engaged and very thankful for my partners support so that I can pursue this journey towards becoming a Naturopath, which I must say has me excited and nervous at the same time!

Unfortunately in 2001 my life was once again turned upside down and I started to live what some might call a 'Rock'n'Roll' lifestyle, which saw me straying from my path.

xox Tash :)

To say that I'm exhausted is an understatement (omgoodness its only Monday LOL and of course I can't get to sleep which is why I am writing this at 2am Grrr!) but me getting through today despite everything has shown me that I've got this!

I still have some work to do in order to make things run a little more smoothly should things like today happen, and let's face it they are the reality of life.

I am so thankful for all the support from my incredible man and so now its time to check my last box for the day and spend some time snuggling.

I've got another huge day tomorrow, but enough about that I will deal with it when it arrives, for now I am going to enjoy the NOW moment!

Friday, November 4, 2016

For every up there is a...

You know how it goes right? In life you take the ups with the downs!

I shouldn't really be surprised that after my big 'I GOT ENGAGED' weekend I started feeling a little off colour, albeit still floating on a cloud of newly engaged bliss - until yesterday anyway!

There was no need for me to wear a Halloween costume this year - I already looked frightful enough without one. Autoimmune / constant tonsillitis sucks big time!

I'm embarrassed to share this but it's the reality of my life.

The bags and dark circles are after sleeping for hours on end with thanks to phenergan. The sore under my nose was a massive blister - cold sore thing, I'm thankful it wasn't on my lips - it's been 2 week and it is still there. You can't see it properly in the side photo but the lymph node in the throat is massive.

On top of me feeling like crap, yesterday we had yet another court date focusing on two things.

1. Getting our little girl (my step daughter) to come and live with us full time rather than the only other alternative which is remaining in DHS/Foster Care.

2. Ensuring that other orders are kept in place so that she (or anyone else - as we truly believe its only a matter of time that they 'all' cross a line) are never traumatised in the same way.

For the past 48 hours I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions from disappointment, anger (well more rage), sadness, hatred, confusion, disbelief and so on - I can't even begin to describe the myriad of emotions adequately enough. My head has been thumping from the constant battle its been having with my heart which has felt like its breaking and I've been drowning in a haze of my own grief.

There is just so much I want to say but can't due to legalities. This whole situation is just purely and utterly FUCKED!

Dealing with DHS as frustrating as it is, is the easy part.

Dealing with the narcissistic incubator is a different story. I could say so much more but they really aren't worth the energy it would take to express it...I'd rather spend my time cleaning up dog shit!

So anyway, tonight I sat and played my guitar and sang my heart out to some original songs. As always music was my saviour and I walked away feeling like I've released it all to the universe, God, whatever you believe in - rather than continuing to carrying something that is tearing me apart when I have so many blessings in my life that keep me together.

The video quality sucks and is not my best vocal work...

But as I said earlier, I have a golf ball covered in razor blades in my throat

With regards to this court case, one thing I know for sure is that I don't quit when the going gets tough. I am a fighter and give it everything I can until there is nothing left to give and that is exactly what I am going to do. What WE, are going to do.

Mark and I spoke today about what our wishes are and what we are and are not willing to do in order to make them a reality. Win or lose we will know that we have given it all we've got but still kept our self respect - that is something that can't be taken away unless we give it and it's not for sale regardless of the prize!

We have another court date coming up in December, then again in February and the big 10 day contest in March which will hopefully give us a final result. No doubt more dates will come up along the way and as emotionally draining as they are, we can get through it together.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Bullshit!!!

On Saturday 22nd of October we had plans that fell through and so instead of just putting on our PJ's and having a lazy night (which seems to be the norm on our kid free weekends), Mark suggested that we go out and celebrate our 2 year 'friend' anniversary a couple of days early.

So, we put on the clothes we were wearing the night we met, albeit it a big snug.

Thankfully nothing split! LOL

And what happened next you can hear about in the VLOG below!

I'm ENGAGED!

To say I was surprised is an understatement..I think me saying BULLSHIT loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to turn around proves that, I will never live that down!

We had of course spoken about moving forward in our lives together and he knew that since my last counselling session I no longer had any reservations BUT I didn't expect for it to happen when it did OR in a restaurant full of strangers! OMGoodness, I can remember hearing them say "Oh wow, I've only ever seen this happen in the movies"...um, yep me too! When I finally sealed my Yes with a kiss they all applauded which was really special.

What came as no surprise to me though was that like the true gentleman Mark is, he was sure to ask the boys, my step Dad and my Mum for their permission first - thank goodness they all said yes *phew*.

I've since found out that he asked them a while ago and purchased the ring with the money he got from the settlement of his old house (what a perfect way to end a chapter and start a new one) but was waiting for the 'right' time.

After I had composed myself enough to leave the restaurant, we popped into the pub where we first met to listen to the band that was playing the night we met (synchronicity at its finest) and to have a celebratory drink...Tequila of course!

After the band had finished its set, this man came up to talk to us. He said he had been watching us across the dance floor and just wanted to tell us how beautiful it was to see two people so in love. Of course I had to blurt out that we only just got engaged and with that he sang a few lines of 'love is the air', shook Marks hand, kissed my hand, told us how happy he was and went back to his drink.

I also told the bouncer, the lead singer and a few other strangers too, after texting my Mum and my Sister and a brief phone call to Mark's parents to tell them...but again he was a sweetie and had already made a sneaky phone call earlier that day to tell them he was going to be 'asking me a very important question by the end of the weekend'.

I wanted to shout it from the rooftop but I also knew that I didn't want to post it on face book until I had an opportunity to tell the boys and also Glenn, in person first.

We were so excited that we just kept taking selfies LOL!

So yesterday when Glenn dropped off the boys I told him in person. I know that I don't owe him any thing and that it is my life to choose to do what I like but I felt that it was the right thing to do. I have too much love and respect for him, for him to find out from social media or to be told by the boys.

Then it was time to tell the boys...what better way than to do a re-enactment.

A re-enactment photo of Mark proposing to me!

They both gave us the thumbs up with lots of whoo hooing and said 'about time' LOL.

Then we could announce it to the world!

WOW! The messages of support just keep flowing, we are so deeply touched by all the comments and messages.

I LOVE my ring...

I can't stop staring at it!

It is no secret that since we met, became friends then progressed to more, that it has not always been easy. One thing I know for sure though, is that through it all our love just grew stronger and we knew that together we can get through anything.

Who would of thought that 2 years ago when we met in a crowded bar that we would be here now. Its been a roller coaster ride and a half, but I'm glad to be screaming, laughing, terrified, excited, riding the ups and the downs with Mark right beside me.

We haven't set a date yet as I still haven't come down from the high after he surprised me, not an easy thing at all to do (he was supposed to give me a sign to get my nails done LOL).

I am so excited to move forward into the future knowing that I have my sweet man by my side every step of the way...he makes me giddy with happiness and I am so in love!

Change 5 - New Friendship / Relationship...

NEW FRIENDSHIP / RELATIONSHIP...

On the 25th of October after attending a charity event with a friend we decided to head down to the local where we met up with a few girlfriends. I had a few shots and danced to some tunes by the amazing cover band 'Shameless'. During the night one of my friends introduced us to this guy and I was polite and said Hi.

Me, Bec (the one who introduced us) & Sarah

Anyway come the end of the night everyone congregated out the front of the pub just yakking as you do, not wanting the night to end.

The guy that we had met briefly inside was unchaining his pushbike and the friend that was with me decided she wanted to have a ride. So, I went up introduced myself again and asked if my friend could ride his bike. He said yes, she rode the bike - her first ever push bike ride - in high heels of course, drunk, with him running beside her and me squealing saying to be careful - it was hilariously fun.

The bike guy and my friend on his bike...

So after that we all got chatting. My first question to the bike guy was 'Are you gay?'...easy mistake, he was wearing a purple shirt and a matching baseball cap on backwards and very polite and a bit shy...not at all like the local lads. He said NO, laughed and told us he had 6 kids all to the same woman but they had recently separated. Our reponse was ofcourse 'WOW, 6 kids!'. There was more conversation but in all honesty I didn't really pay much attention as another group was talking about heading to another pub to see if it was open. We all ended up joining them as it was on our way home anyway.

On our walk up there my friend (the same one who rode the bike) decided she wanted a kebab but none of us could be arsed walking up the street again to the van SO the guy on the bike (I couldn't remember his name even though he had told me when I introduced myself) took off down the street to see if it was open - a knight on a well...push bike LOL...it wasn't and neither was the other pub.

After some more chit chatting, taxi hailing and procrastination we (myself, and two other friends) started stumbling back to my place. The guy on the bike said he was headed in the same direction so we let him walk with us and continued chatting.

We only got about 200 meters before the girls decided they needed to pee and were hungry. One walked through the Maccas drive through and the other headed to Apco and here was I trying to figure out which one to keep my eye on and round up first. I ended up sending the guy on the bike after the Maccas one and told him to met me in Apco. Oh the poor Apco man LOL...we all used his loo, brought all his dim sims and potato cakes and he even let my friend have a cute little owl teddy. So funny.

The Owl Teddy was something like this...

Then it was time to start stumbling home again.

We had noticed earlier that his creepy dude that was really rude and obnoxious at the pub was walking behind us and seemed like every time we stopped he stopped so when we reached the turn off for the bike guy to head home he asked if he could walk us all the way home...I was thankful for the offer and so we walked and chatted some more. Again I have no idea what we chatted about as I was more concerned about getting home and a little preoccupied making sure my friends were OK. One of my friends had told me along the way how good the bike dude smelt and that she was tempted to kiss him...it didn't happen as I know it went against what she believed in and she was way too drunk to be thinking straight.

Anyway we got to my front gate, the creepy guy kept walking and we all chatted out the front for a bit longer adding the bike guy...his name was Mark, on Facebook. We gave hugs said thanks for walking us home, spoke briefly about catching up another time and said goodnight.

As my friends lived at different ends of town I didn't feel comfortable with them catching a cab on their own (we had all had a bit to drink) so I woke up my Uncle and asked if he would be our taxi...I am so thankful for him doing that for us.

A few days later I got a PM from Mark complimenting me on taking such good care of my friends and of course cheekily asking how the all girls after party went. I was polite and replied but life at that stage was crazy with work and family life not being all that great so I didn't engage in long winded conversation. Anyway he messaged a few more times over the week and again I was short but polite in my replies. Then one night he messaged and we ended up chatting for ages, and from there a suggestion to catch up for coffee one day was made, which we did.

Over a few weeks we would message and catch up when life allowed and we would talk and talk and talk for hours about his life story, my life story, hopes, fears and so on. He was so open and honest and non judge mental when I shared my stories although in comparison I really felt I had nothing to complain about.

His life had basically been turned upside down. His marriage of 15 years had ended and like my relationship with Glenn it did have some good parts, well obviously if they had 6 kids together although he did say that he felt that each additional child would help strengthen their relationship which worked for a little while but then reality kicked in. However, in the end he described it as them being 'toxic' for each other and him being incredibly unhappy to the point of having depression but trying to make it work for the sake of the kids. DHS had become involved before they separated however it wasn't until after they separated that the shit really hit the fan and the 5 youngest were taken into DHS care with the eldest following short after. Although they were taken out of the mothers care, Mark wasn't able to care for them due to not having a proper place to live and also because of a mistake he had made in the past and the fact that he had previously already been a part of DHS being involved. So anyway, at that time they were still having a family contact with all the children once a week and he was also getting to spend time with some of them for an hour on their own. His plan at that stage (well the plan his ex had come up with anyway) was that he would try to fight to get back the 3 older kids and the mother would get back the three younger ones.

Anyway long story short (and there is so much more to this story that I haven't mentioned but as court is still going I felt I'd better not share too much), we certainly didn't jump into a relationship straight away although from the outside looking in it does look like that, however I was in a relationship that was falling apart and didn't want to make the same mistakes twice and despite the fact that there were obviously 'feelings' being developed between Mark and I, I was very upfront with Mark about not being ready for my life to be turned upside down anymore than it was and definitely not ready to be a step mother to 6 kid involved with DHS as my kids were my top priority. I loved being in his company but I really just needed a friend.

Us in the early days....

So sad but happy in each others company.

Our saying became "Second by second, minute by minute, day by day"...

When the time came however that my relationship had been over for a few months and his contact with his kids increased and was looking like their plan would come into fruition, our friendship had reached a point that walking away was a difficult thing to face and so on the 13th of March 2015, we decided to officially give it a go.

Top: Mark's way of asking me to be his girlfriend...

Bottom: Me agreeing...

I am not going to sugar coat anything here, there have been times that life has been absolutely shit for one reason or another; a narcissistic ex wife, kids that don't respect their father because of being shared information they should not of been shared, behaviours displayed that children should not be displaying, our lives being turned upside down with hectic schedules and additional chaos in trying to make it so that Mark could continue a relationship with his children, court cases one after the other and still ongoing in an attempt to get full custody of his daughter and, extremely hard being decisions made.

There have been times when its all gotten too much for me to handle and I have considered walking away but I have stayed because the love that Mark and I share for each other has just grown stronger and stronger despite all the things that could of torn us apart.

A few blog posts ago I mentioned some reservations I had in moving forward with Mark, his decision to no longer have any contact with his boys is one of them. As someone who puts her kids first it is really hard for me to understand how he choose do to that. Despite us both agreeing that having them come into our home was no longer an option until behaviours drastically changed which, let's face it is not going to happen whilst ever they are spending the majority of the time in an environment where they are allowed and sadly, encouraged to continue with behaviour that both Mark and I feel is not at all appropriate and detrimental to the well being of the two boys in our full time care - yes, I put my children first. In true Mark and Tash fashion we spoke about it for hours and a suggestion was made that Mark have contact with his boys outside of our family home. Mark however for his own personal reasons which are not mine to share, chose not to. Regardless of it not being something I would do, I support him and can understand how he came to the decisions that he did - it certainly did not come easily to him.

Another reservation I had, was the whole not wanting to move forward until we had some clear direction about what was going to happen with the court case and to just live in limbo until then. Although, as much as we are fighting for it to happen we have both also reached a place where we would be happy for her to stay in foster care where she is loved and safe - that is our number one concern.

After conversations with our counsellors and then the adjournment of court, we both realised that pausing our life was more detrimental for us, than not.

And then there was me being worried about others not yet being truly happy...OK, I will just say it, I was worried about Glenn. But again, it is no longer my place to try and make him happy - that decision is his and his alone just as it is up to me to do what makes me happy.

So here we are almost two years since meeting each other and what a roller coaster of a ride it has been full of many twists, turns and changes!