Sunday 22 May 2011

Despite yesterdays awesome achievement I am now (and have been for a couple of weeks) feeling like a good year blimp and am so uncomfortable in my own skin its not funny.  I am sad and miserable and I don't like feeling this way.  My exercise is relatively under control but I have gone well and truly off the rails with my nutrition  (binge eating like crazy - not even for emotional comfort) and the only person to blame is myself.  I could give you reason after reason as to why I have let myself slip but at the end of the day they don't mean a thing.  It all comes down to the fact that if I don't want to feel this way anymore the only person that can change it is me! 

I have 9 weeks until my sisters engagement party and the dress I brought to wear is a SNUG Size 14 (Diana Ferrari Op Shop Bargain $5.00 Retail Price $179).  I would like it to fit a lot less snuggly so I can go out feeling comfortable and beautiful. 

I have 10 weeks until I get my knee operated on and as I will be out of action for 6-8 weeks it is so important that I get things in check now to make it easier for me to maintain my weight during that time.

Ok despite being determined to make this happen, I have some concerns about falling back into my negative obsessive self destructive patterns.  I DON'T WANT TO OVERTRAIN so that means no Double Sessions and at least 1 rest day.  On a personal note I need to go to Genesis at least 2-3 times per week to make it worthwhile keeping my membership!  I DON'T WANT TO UNDEREAT so that means sticking to my calorie intake and allowing myself a 'treat' (within reason) and having a 'Free Day' once a week without feeling guilty about it!

On top of the concerns I have I am also feeling like everyone will be saying 'Here she goes again' which as much as I know it shouldn't bother me of late even that has gotten the better of me.  For example...My mum called me 'Fat' last week and then came into coles and took the Ice-cream out of my trolley saying that I don't need it.  Marianne has said several times this week that I should be put out to pasture because of my numerous illnesses/injuries.  Glenn keeps giving me crap about having sugar in my tea rather than equal.  I know that these are really trivial and that they don't mean to be nasty (well I hope that to be the case), I just wish they could be supportive without puttng me down to do it.

Anyway another thing I am finding hard is not having a PT session at the Gym as they really help to keep me motivated and push me that little further - especially with resistance training.  Our finances are so stretched at the moment and we just can't afford it.

Well there it is all out of my head which now leaves me free to focus on the bigger picture!