Self Sabotage raised its head

I had a moment after weigh in on Wednesday when I realised that we were already 1/3rd of the way through the challenge and was ready to throw in the towel because I felt that I had blown it. I ended up having to take a moment to stop and look at the reasons as to why things were happening and to also stop and really look at my results, without expectation. 

What I realised after analysing the information was that I am actually doing a good job, my results are positive, my small failures show that I am in fact trying and the biggest revelation of all - me wanting to give up and throw in the towel is actually an act of 'true' self sabotage.

Some of my reasons for thinking I had blown it and my rationalisation...

I haven't been sticking 100% to the meal plan - I have been mixing and matching to suit my tastes, my family and my schedule (eg. eating out, quick and easy options). I have been conscious to make good alternate choices.

My nutrition hasn't been perfect - I would put it at 85% on track which in comparison to where it was is a huge improvement. The imperfection isn't from binging on chocolate or having really 'bad' food, it's from my portions being too big and also from being disorganised, so I need to make sure I eat more regularly to avoid being hungry at meal times and to also be a good girl scout and BE PREPARED.

I haven't been following the exercise plans - I have been doing PT & Group sessions which are already planned out by the trainers. Another reason for not using these plans is that I am very restricted with what I can and can't do at the moment so I need to heavily modify them anyway.

I have had to reduce my training sessions - I am only doing 3 to 4 session per day to ensure that I get a rest day in between each. Whilst this sucks it is also what is going to get me the full recovery I want.

I am not doing the SSS - If I do a double session it counts as 1 of my daily sessions and I would prefer to do something 4 days a week than 3.

I am disappointed with my results - One of the promises I made to myself was to be happy with even the smallest of victories and so I have acknowledged that whilst the weight is not coming down as fast as I would like, it has still in fact come down and for that I am thankful.

SELF SABOTAGE!!!

Self Sabotage is us shooting ourselves in the foot or putting obstacles in the way of our chosen path to prevent us from reaching our goals. It is not an act but a process that is complex and tragic and leads to us trying to fix them by top-loading them with bad decisions (bandaids) so that it eventually becomes one big vicious cycle. There are several reasons as to why we become self saboteurs - 4 of these (the ones that relate most to me) include: 

A misguided attempt to rescue ourselves from our own negative feelings - Comfort eating, Binging, Self Abuse - verbal and physical.

As I have mentioned in previous posts I am a comfort eater and have binging sessions which lead to me feeling guilty which in turn leads me to emotionally 'eat' my guilt until it just becomes one big cycle that only leads to me getting fatter and feeling sicker.

I am happy to report that I have found a way to combat the vicious cycle - Acknowledgement (why I feel I need comfort), Acceptance (accept that it is normal to feel that way) and Allowance (allow myself to feel it and if I do need to comfort myself with food, allow the need so that there is no guilt association and therefore the cycle ends and I feel nurtured).

Self abuse on the other hand is another story. Thankfully I no longer physically hurt myself in the sense of cutting (I used to do this as it was easier to deal with physical pain rather than emotional pain) but on one level I am still guilty of this as I punish myself with exercise by pushing myself to the limit, which leads to the body breaking down and therefore sabotaging my goals. 

Another form of self abuse and the one that tends to get brushed off the most is in the form of verbal abuse...

"You are so fat, look at the wobbly jelly legs, why are you even bothering to try? you know you are just going to fail, you are disgusting, here we go again, what kind of pathetic workout was that, you are such a dumb arse, you will never look like a trainer, you are a joke, you look like crap, you are so ugly, you are so lazy" and so on and so on.

If this stuff was being said to me by someone else I would tell them where to go. So, why do I take it from myself when I try so hard on every other level to be a person who is self confident and positive? Do I really believe what I am telling myself? ENOUGH is ENOUGH , it is time to put an end to it as what you think, you will become and there is no way that I want to be the kind of person that I tell myself I am.

I promise to hit every negative with a positive!

I promise to use positive affirmation!

I will fake it until I make it!

Self Respect leads to Self Discipline

Procrastination - The gap between intention and action - our excuses.

I choose to make changes not excuses 

Extreme Modesty - Low self esteem to the point of not being able to accept praise and just rewards.

Do you brush off compliments when given or do you graciously accept them? For me lately I have been brushing them off. eg. The other day someone told me I was looking good and instead of saying thank you I've been working hard...I replied with - 'Seriously, wish I felt that way I've put on weight blah blah blah'. Um, hello! They didn't want to hear that crap!

So, here's what I am going to do...

I am going to accept every compliment proudly with a big smile =)

Addiction - Replacing one thing with another and overloading ourselves to not have to deal with the issue.

Drugs / Alcohol (I am proud to say that I have overcome both). 

For me addiction can relate to so many things...I become absorbed in things so easily, my music, my photography, my training, my study, my work, my volunteer role, my blog. When you add all of this to my biggest role as a Mum and a Partner - there really isn't much time for ME.

What would I be, What would I do, If I didn't have a life as full as mine is? Am I enough without it all?

I place my worth as a person on how much I do and because of it I am constantly juggling BUT I thrive on it.

In saying that though, I really do feel that I need to cut back so that I can have more time with ME.

Michelle Bridges 4 step plan to combat Self Sabotage.

1. Recognise if you 'truly' are a Self Saboteur OR if you just need to do some fine tuning in certain areas.

2. Take the steps towards Empowerment. You are not defined by the past - it is time to create a positive present.

3. Build up a 'Self Worth Bank Account' and make sure there are more deposits (positivity) than withdrawls (negativity).

4. Recognise Internal and External Language - What you think you ultimately become.