Parenting....

August 26 - Parenting

"Perhaps one of the reasons my child chose me as his parent was because there was so much I need to learn".

I believe that our children are born to us for a reason....to learn from us and to teach us.  Since I've become a Mum (Mummy, Mumma) not only have I taught my boys some things about life that I believe are really important, but they have also taught me so much about myself and about life in the process.  

I've said before that parenting is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life but also definitely the most rewarding.   I hold my position as a parent in very high regard and believe it to be a privilege that I be able to have the honour day in and day out to speak into the lives of my children and for them to continue teaching me in the process.

Earlier this morning I received a phone call from the boys Dad asking me to help deal with a situation he was facing.  My 12 year old had lost one of his socks and had gone into 'melt down' mode.  

Now I could of very easily said 'its my kid free weekend, I'm off the clock deal with it yourself just like I do for the other 12 days of the fortnight', but that's not the kind of person / parent I am, so I dealt with it as best I could from a distance.

It is really difficult trying to calm down a child at the other end of the phone when the other parent has also become highly anxious and is trying to exert hierarchy rather than to actually listen, console and take proper steps to find the missing sock AND the other younger child has been drawn into it, choosing the side of his Dad.  As you can imagine the sobbing was heart breaking and the yelling in the background just made it worse.

One of the biggest things I have learn't in parenting which has also helped me in everyday life when it comes to dealing with conflict is that if I allow myself to be drawn into the 'bubble' of frustration, anxiety, sadness, rage; then the situation will not be solved.  But if I can remain calm and open minded and try to soothe the situation enough to draw them into my 'bubble', we are more likely to find that truce to be able to move forward.

So in the end the only thing I could do was this:

Speak to the youngest of my boys and remind him how he feels when it seems he is being picked on and when he can't find something.  Guide him to either be helpful to his brother in a loving way or to keep himself entertained doing something else away from the conflict.

Speak to the boys Dad and tell him to stop 'yelling', to go outside calm down and then to go back in and look again properly from a place of love.

Speak to the owner of the missing sock and get him to take a deep breathe and to calm down.  (We say to do 'turtle' which basically means to retreat inside your self for a little while).  Once he was calmed down he was given 3 choices.  He could a)  Keep on looking for his missing sock and keep getting flustered and have his Dad get stressed because he was waiting to go out to have things done by a certain time; b)  just wear the socks he doesn't like for the short term so that they can go out and do what needs to be done OR c)  not wear any socks at all.  Both b & c involved him looking for the sock once he returned.

After I spoke to all 3 I said there was nothing more I could do other than reminding them that this time together was supposed to be enjoyable and that it would most likely be another 12 days before they were together again.

Another lesson I have learnt is that some days you have to choose your battles and determine whether they are worth it or not.

5 minutes after I hung up the phone I received a text message from my eldest saying 'I love you Mum'.

Now I have no idea what happened when I hung up the phone, whether the sock has been found, whether the attitudes of all changed BUT I did what I could and learnt from it in the process.

I am not always going to be here to help with these situations so sharing my knowledge with them in the moment was valuable.  It also reminded me that on the days when they are home and I am flustered for one reason or another and a sock mysteriously goes missing.....to remember the advise I gave and do turtle and surround myself in a serenity bubble before looking for the bloody rouge sock lol.