Change 4...End of a 14 year relationship...

START AND END OF A 14 YEAR RELATIONSHIP...

Glenn and I first separated in Dec 2012, with the boys and I going to live with my Mum to give Glenn a chance to find somewhere else (well technically it was the second time as we had separated for a little while just after Ace was born in Jan 2004 and decided to try again in the Apr 2004 but let's just forget that bit). Long story short we came to an agreement that we would move home and he would move into the bungalow at the back. 

That in itself was a change as I had to move my work space into the house and find something, somewhere to go every second weekend so that he could have time alone with the boys (if I stayed home I would of still had to do most of the parenting which defeats the purpose of it being his weekend). There were other changes too of course but reflecting on that now the only thing that us separating back then brought both of us was some freedom from each other and him freedom not to be a parent and partner on a daily basis.

Despite the separation (if you could really call it that) neither of us could truly move forward. Well, I kind of tried to, even though I know that it would never had eventuated to anything 'real' and was purely just a comfort thing...but enough about that, some lines should never be crossed!

Anyway after the shit hit the fan with my best friend (which I have previously blogged about) he was there for me (although he never let me forget about my 'mistake' despite me saying that in order for us to start again it needed to be left in the past) and I guess on some level I felt safe with what I knew and so we decided to try again (July 2013). 

Needless to say that after 18 months it ended again (December 2014), this time seeing him move out completely and I was faced with a whole new set of changes that I pretty much had to face alone as I had lost the support of my Mum (there is a previous blog about that also) and other close friendships (I had contemplated writing a blog about this but, it is what it is - quite simple as that. Do I miss it, yes of course just like I miss the dynamics of other friendships that have changed over the years. I hold no resentment or grudges though because as I said, it is what it is...some friendships stand the test of time and the hurdles along the way, others for whatever reasons associated don't and no amount of going over it will change that).

Glenn and I were together for a total of 14 years. I don't even know where to begin to describe our relationship other than to say when it was good it was AMAZING (and there were a lot of amazing times) but when it wasn't, it really wasn't (not talking and then only arguing when we did...basically living separate lives but trying desperately to make it work for the sake of the children....which is never the right reason as they aren't silly and always end up in the middle one way or the other). In the end, the bad times out weighed the good and we weren't happy together. I think we just had different ideals about what we expected from each other and what we wanted in life and we couldn't give each other those things. 

I very much live for my kids, they are my everything and everything I do is with them in mind - even if it can be too regimented and logical. Glenn, not so much. Not to say that he doesn't love the boys but he and I are just wired differently. 

A good example of that is this Fathers Day. As you may have read in a previous post Glenn came over for Father's Day and we spent some time together and had a great time at the park. What I didn't mention is that he didn't arrive until about 3.00pm and I had the boys asking me every five minutes when Dad was coming. When we rang him that morning at 11.00am he said he would be here soon. Now, I know that technically it was his kid free weekend but being that it was Fathers Day and the boys really wanted to see him, if it was me I would of made every effort to be there for them earlier.  

He ended up leaving at around 5.30pm to head to a family function...without the boys! Its not the first time and I am sure it won't be the last. Only a few weeks ago he attended another family dinner but yet again his two children were not considered. His excuse was, it was too much mucking around with his work and he just wanted to get there and back. Thing is, if he had of communicated with me (something that has always been lacking in our relationship...well clear open communication anyway) I would of been more than willing to drop them off and pick them up. 

Another example of him not putting his children first is that some weeks he is lucky to call them once because hes busy or tired. I struggle to go a weekend without speaking to my boys (or texting Glenn to see if they are OK) and as a parent I believe you drop everything for them as there will come a time when they will be grown up and living lives on their own and hopefully will make time for you just as you did for them...you know what I mean? Its also not like he has to call me to speak to them as he and my Mum brought Ace his own phone. That was done when neither of them were speaking to me...without my permission. He and Mum had an agreement to go halves in the monthly credit, he has had his phone for nearly two years and so far Glenn has given him $5 credit twice. Anyway I'm OK with Ace having a phone its only a simple one and all three of us at least agree with the no social media or using internet on his phone rule. It has also come in handy for him texting to say he and Jazz got to school safe of a morning and when he has gone to his mates places for sleep overs I always get a 'goodnight love you Mum' message. But enough about Ace and his phone I will be talking more about that in another blog.

Anyway...that's just who Glenn is and the older the boys get the more they are able to see it. When they talk to me about it, I tell them to discuss it with Dad but their answer is 'he won't listen'. Unfortunately it's sad but true as I have tried several times to discuss it with him and there has been no change, well I shouldn't say 'no change' as he will call everyday for a few days after we speak about it but its short lived...he probably figures its appeased us enough. So, I just reassure the boys that he loves them and that its worth trying to talk to him again.

So anyway the not putting the boys first, plus the constant argument over a motorbike (well more the lack of money needed for one - money was always something we argued about) on top of feeling as though I was not acknowledged, considered, appreciated, supported or heard... all just got to much for me to deal with. Those things may not seem like much but to me they are everything in a relationship even more so than physically intimacy; which is another thing that suffered in mine and Glenn's relationship towards the end and for him that is high on his list of what makes him happy. Funnily enough without sharing TMI...when I 'put out' he would be attentive and less self centred but for me its hard to give myself in that way without first feeling loved. Ironic that there was a time in my past that I thought sex = love or more so being wanted. It doesn't, well not for me anyway. Maybe while it is happening but love making starts in the kitchen so to speak. 

I don't want this to sound like me slinging shit at Glenn and blaming him for everything as I know that I played a big part of it all. I am not without my faults. I am stubborn and pig headed and expect the same from others as I expect of myself and that is hard enough for me to live up to let alone anyone else. I do put my kids before myself and anyone else and I can see how that would have made him feel unimportant when he is the reason for me having them in the first place. I also know that us having the additional person in the house didn't help and I didn't have his back when I should have. On top of that when I wasn't getting what I needed from him despite me voicing it repeatedly, I sought it from outside sources...whether that be in my friendships, community involvement, work or attention of another. In other words I'm not perfect and I own my share of our relationship failing. 

It broke my heart to admit defeat and give up on the fairy tale, but there comes a point that if neither of you are happy and a halfway point to change things can't be reached that you know the end of the line has come. In saying that you need to be happy in yourself too before you can be happy with others. One of the expectations that Glenn had on me was it was 'my job' to make him happy. Maybe to a point I agree but if that was the case then it should of worked both ways yeah.

Look, we tried, we really did probably beyond the point of where we should have but then again I also wonder if we could of both tried harder? Probably, but how much of yourself do need to let go of in order to make it work? 

Anyway, despite the hurt, resentment and anger when everything first fell apart and let me tell you it wasn't pretty, the things that still get to me and I am sure still get to him, I am happy to say that we are able to put our conflicts aside for the sake of the boys. We may not prioritize the boys in our lives the same way but we are on the same page when it comes to parenting them (admittedly he is more lenient) - that I think is huge.

I know that I will always be there as much as I possibly can for Glenn, he is the father of my children and I still love him despite sometimes not liking him or more his behaviours and attitude very much (him moving in with me and my partner in March of this year after he separated from his girlfriend and had no where to go proves that. As does letting his new girlfriend stay because she started working with him and it was too far to travel from her place - sometimes I wonder if I'm too nice and really do have the 'sucker' sticker on my forehead) and I'd love to think that he would do the same in return but lets just say that I hope I am never in a position for it to be tested.

Glenn has his motorbike now so is living the dream, as the saying goes. He is single again (kind of hmmm) and I really hope that he finds true happiness and someone who will love him as much as I used to once upon a time - like I said earlier, when it was good it was amazing but it just wasn't meant to be.

I'm so thankful for all the times we spent together both good and bad although its only the lessons that I'm thankful for there. I am also eternally grateful to him for the gift of our incredible children.

Glenn and I made a promise to each other before Ace was born that should we ever separate our child/ren would not be used as a pawn in a game. Glenn had been married previously and had children from that marriage who were used as just that and as I witnessed first hand the damage it did all round, it was an easy promise for me to make and most importantly for me/us to keep.

Glenn takes the boys every second weekend from after work on Friday to 5pm on Sunday (although most weeks he drops them early at around 3pm...I don't mind too much as it means we can get organised for the week ahead and have a nice quiet night together) and we meet half way to swap over. These days though I drop them to his place on Friday and he drops them here on the Sunday which gives us time for a cuppa and debrief about whats been going on in our/their lives.

He can also call whenever he likes and can have extra time during the week day / weekends if we don't have any plans - this isn't something that has happened though. We also share special occasions like birthdays, Easter and Christmas and he attends school functions if work permits (again...remembering that we prioritize our lives differently).

Regardless of it not always being roses we have been able to remain amicable and make agreements outside of court just as we promised.

I believe that Glenn being in the boys life is incredibly important he may not always behave in a way that I believe is good role model material but he is their 'real biological' Dad and he has some wonderful qualities...I fell in love with him for a reason and out of love for a reason but our children are a product of our love and they should never be made to choose, they didn't make the decision for us to live separate lives we did and so it is up to us to ensure that regardless of us no longer being together they know that they are still loved and they can love us both in return.

So that's that...I'm one of the lucky ones I guess but realistically I don't think it's luck I think its about making a choice and sticking to it regardless of how hard it can be and just so I'm keeping it real as good as it can appear on the surface there are cracks and some days are easier than others.