I've been quiet of late...

I've been a bit quiet of late with regards to this blog and so I thought I would write to fill you all in on whats been going on.

Grab a cuppa you are going to need it :)

It seems ironic that someone can be so happy and yet so over the existence of their life at the same time and yet that's where I am right now.  I know that life is the culmination of the good and the bad experiences and that you make the most out of the hand you are dealt at the time but in all seriousness, right now I am so sick and tired of the inconsistency of my life because of being sick and tired.  I know that this too shall pass, that I just need to keep being patient and doing all I can until I get the operation that I am desperately hoping will actually fix what is going on, and that I have an abundance of things to be grateful for so me complaining is like me being ungrateful, BUT just let me indulge in a rant, whinge, whine before I put my positive polly hat back on, K?

So things had been running pretty smoothly, I was working, studying, dealing with life and getting stuff organised just in case come Nov 17 I get an operation date for this year.  I had even seen my counsellor and had a really good session walking out knowing exactly what I wanted to focus on in future sessions (I will talk more about that later).  Admittedly I was tired; it's normal with a low immune system but I was pushing through and kicking goals.

TONSILLITIS AGAIN!

So on Wednesday 6th; omgoodness 2 weeks ago now, after work, a counselling session and a date with Mum, I took my 12 year old (Ace) to the doctor to get his immunisations.  He has a fear of needles so rather than have them in front of all the year 7's next year we felt this way was better -  see I was organised and getting stuff done.  I have even ordered his birthday present for January, made a start on Christmas stuff, ordered his uniform for high school next year - well the logo stuff anyway the rest I will get from Best'n'Less as its way cheaper and I'd done a heap of other little bits and bobs too. 

So here we were at the doctors for Ace to have his needles and as I was 'looking pretty ordinary' - the nice way to say you look like shit LOL the doctor checked me too. I had seen him the Friday before as I needed some paper work filled in for my Uni course and at that time my tonsils were red and swollen but not infected.  This time however, I had a fever and my tonsils were huge and covered in puss - ewww, sorry for the gross mental image.  Not only did Ace get his shots but I also started weekly antibiotic jabs to the butt - again!  

That night I ended up with a rash EVERYWHERE and so needed phenergan to help counteract it.  Unfortunately the medication has a low strain of penicillin and I'm allergic to penicillin but it is the medication that actually works for me so it comes down to choosing the lesser of two evils:  a) tonsillitis or b) the drug that actually helps to get rid of the tonsillitis but leaves me all itchy and blotchy and sees me taking another drug to counteract the side effect but comes with its own side effect of sending me into la la land.  I have been getting a rash on and off now since then, yesterday I woke up with one, it is so annoying!

OK what's next?  One of the other things I did when I was getting all my shit organised was make a lap band appointment.  So, the next day I went and got my band tightened - and so begins the next saga. 

I must be like totes awesome!

LAP BAND ADJUSTMENT!

After the dreaded weigh in which wasn't actually that bad as I had come down 2.9kg since my last appointment in May, it was a crunch, quick jab in the gut to put a whole 2ml in and a 'suck it up (literally - liquids only in other words) over the weekend, but if it's too tight come back next week' from the specialist.

At first it wasn't that bad but by Friday afternoon, I was back on mylanta and milk to help with my heartburn (reminds me of a funny story about me ordering milk from a pub back in my gigging days LOL).  The mental hunger had also set in but I can mentally talk myself around that.  By late Sunday afternoon I couldn't keep any fluids down at all, including my own saliva - my silly fault for attempting a soup with corn in it for lunch...not a good move.  First thing Monday morning I made an emergency appointment to have some fluid out.

I can't believe that living with my band that tight used to be my daily existence, yes I lost a whole 2.5kg in only a couple of days but it was horrible - a good reminder of what I never want to go back to.

So anyway, here I was thinking I will go in, get another jab, have fluid taken out and all will be hunky dory...unfortunately it didn't quite go that way.  

After the fourth unsuccessful jab in the gut to find my port I was sent off to have it done under a CT Scan, unless worst case scenario it had flipped which would then mean urgent surgery.  Holy flipping frog balls! You can imagine the panic I went into...I have a wedding to photograph on Saturday so would have to find someone else to do it and then come up with the money to pay them for it; What if it means my chances of getting surgery for my tonsils is less; I'd have to cancel all my clients for the week (which ended up being the case anyway); I'd have to call and tell uni; I'd have to organise someone to watch the boys...all these thoughts and more all within in the time it took to walk from the building I was in, next door to the other one - a million miles per hour plus some!

So anyway I go in for my CT Scan, lay down on the machine and they take their scans, then the nurse comes in and offers me a local anesthetic and I say 'Yes please' (I had been jabbed and poked 4 times without an anesthetic so was sore), they give me that and prep me for the procedure and then the doc comes in and starts doing his thing.  

'Hmmm, its a bit tricky isn't it', the doctor hits the side of the port - at least it wasn't my rib like the last jab.  He pulls it out and jabs again - needle number 7!  There's lots of jiggling the needle around, checking of the monitor to see if its getting close, more jiggling, more checking, more 'hmmm's' and then finally success, he gets it and takes out 1ml, hallelujah!  Oh did I mention that during all these attempts I had to hold a crunch as the port is embedded in my muscle?  There is definitely a six pack under all this flab.

Next, they send me off to the waiting room with a glass of water to see if I could keep it down - yay, another success!  Then it was back next door to show the specialist the results.  Bottom line was liquids and mush only for the next couple of days and if too tight come back and he will attempt an adjustment.  If however, I need to have it done under ct again then I will be referred for surgery.  Anyway so far all is good and everything is going down...oh it is so good to be able to enjoy the simple pleasure of a cup of tea.

I can tell you know, I am not going back until I get a surgery date for my tonsils and then it will only be to have ALL fluid taken out so that I can have the tonsil surgery (if the bands too tight they can't get tubes down), if I need surgery for the band it will have to wait until after my tonsil recovery.  

LOW IRON LEVELS!

The next day, I had another GP appointment and tonsils are looking better, not 100% but thankfully, no need for any more jabs -  I just need rest!  He was however concerned that I look pale and my blood pressure is high (it's normally low) and so I have to go get some bloods taken.  We already know I'm anemic and not eating for a couple of days wouldn't of helped so it isn't a surprise and the stress of everything with the adjustment the day before wouldn't of helped the BP but he said its still good to check everything out.  I think they just like using me as a pin cushion!

Oh, he put me on the scales too and in one day I had already gone up .5kg.  I knew as soon as something went in it would be inevitable AND it was fully dressed with shoes on so not really accurate compared to the specialists the day before.  I am dreading weighing at home though...even though I know that it was an unhealthy loss because of not putting anything in, the thought of the scales going up freaks me out.  Hmmm OK let's put this into perspective...I will be OK with a 1kg increase, maybe!  I definitely want it down before I got to my appointment on the 17th of next month though.

So that's that...what else can I share?

STUDY!

I am loving studying albeit only doing the refresher (enabling) courses at the moment, I officially start my course on the 7th of November...10 days before I find out if I will get my operation this year or not.  The uni has said they are willing to make suitable allowances for me when it finally happens which will mean that I won't need to stress about getting assessments in or sitting exams during the operation / recovery time.      

I was approved for credits in about 8 subjects which is a huge load off both mentally and financially, chemistry was not one of those subjects though.  I did an online Quiz assessment yesterday for my Module 2 Chemistry enabling course and got 75% which is not bad considering it's been over 20 years since I last did any proper chemistry or maths stuff like algebra.  I have 2 more enabling Chemistry modules/quizzes to complete before uni officially starts and so at the moment I have gas laws, chemical equations and chemical elements floating around in this head of mine.  I've memorised up to element number 40 (still heaps to try and add to the memory bank) using a song to the tune of  the cancan, some days I can't get the bloody tune out of my head but it is working so that's good...maybe!

COUNSELLING SESSION!

In my counselling session we covered heaps of stuff in the hour...

Me, feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Me, being totally stressed out over our finances or the lack there of at the moment because I've had to cancel clients due to being unwell which then has me worrying about how I'm going to pay for everything Ace needs for high school next year, as well as Christmas and Ace's birthday AND also the inconsistency in running my business as I'm OK one day but feeling like crap the next.

Me, being completely over the inconsistency of my life but also happy with that which is in my life.

Me, having some reservations about moving to the next step of my relationship with Mark (you know...the 'M' word) because of worrying about the outcome of court and feeling like we are in limbo, stuff from our past relationships, others not being happy.  Mark is my forever, that part I have no reservations about at all.  I love him! I love the way he loves me!  Us loving each other is AMAZING!  He makes me so sickeningly (I use this word as he makes me feel like a love struck school girl who mopes when we are apart) happy!  I do quite often wonder though if its all too good to be true, I mean; how did I get to be this lucky?  Why me?  My counsellors response to that question was 'Why not, you?'  Good response!  I deserve to be happy and as 'in love' as I am, I am a good person!

Me, worrying about how I'm going to go in my uni exams as there is so much to remember.  Me worrying about the fact that 8 years is a big commitment...what if things change?  

That's just a scratch on the surface of what was covered...you can see why an hour is just not long enough huh.

Oh, can you see a pattern here?  Yes I have been worrying a lot despite KNOWING that worrying is pointless and just robs you from the joy of the NOW.  SO that is going to be our focus in further sessions.  Me, letting go of my worry and fears and instead focusing upon the now - MINDFULNESS!  No doubt blogs on said topic will follow so if I haven't bored you too much with this what has turned out to be an epic post, be sure to stay tuned.

MY BOYS!

Ace recently went on his school camp to Canberra for a whole week which he loved, I of course missed him like crazy.  He came home taller and with a slightly deeper voice which I can remember happening to my bf's son too.  He isn't really looking forward to his primary days ending and going to high school next year, I think its more nerves as some of his mates are going to different schools.  He also isn't one that likes school very much, he likes learning new things but not in a classroom environment.  If my boys weren't such a socialites I would consider homeschooling them (well Mark would do it as I don't have the patience), we will just see what time brings huh!  

Jazz has improved so much this year and a couple of weeks ago was awarded a certificate at his school assembly for 'student of the week'.  I think I have mentioned before that Jazz (Mr.10) has GDD (Global Development Delay) and so he has struggled a fair bit with things.  Since he has had a teachers aide though the improvements have been amazing and he can now read and write.  Admittedly it is not something that comes easily to him but he has the most beautiful handwriting and is getting more confidence to just give it a go.  He has tonsillitis (he takes after his Mumma) at the moment so the poor little mite isn't his usual high wire self, he has an appointment to see my Surgeon in December.  When he got the referral I jokingly said "if you get your tonsil out before me, I won't ever speak to you again", which he of course replied with "I will just tell them to do yours first Mummy cause' I don't want you not to talk to me"...I must remember that he takes everything literally.

Oooh I have to share something that was hilarious, if only I had of captured their facial expressions.  So with everything going on at court I felt it was incredibly important to talk to the boys about what was and wasn't inappropriate...you know the viewing of pornography and sexual touching. They have both done a sex ed class at school so I brought it up by asking if they remembered what was covered in the class.  The reply was 'we weren't really paying attention as we don't need to know about that crap yet', Jazz did remember stuff about the umbilical chord and found that fascinating but couldn't remember how the baby got there in the first place for there to be an umbilical chord, LOL bless his little innocent cotton socks.  So anyway I ended up having to tell them about the birds and the bees and the fact that sometimes things like that can pop up on the computer (they love watching things on you tube like the Shaytards, Tanner Fox, Dude sons).  Needless to say they were grossed out completely.  I am always checking the history anyway and am never very far away from being able to hear what they are watching but you can never really know and considering the horrible stuff that my eyes have been opened to I am even more vigilant about ensuring they are safe and doing the right things.  Which is more than I can say for another so called parent I know who is still allowing her kids to access pornography and brushing off wrong inappropriate behaviours because they are apparently just normal behavioural things (OMG NOT NORMAL AT ALL!), but let's not go there or else this blog will end up even more epic than it already is.

I am so incredibly proud of the young men that my boys are, of course they have moments where they give me the shits and bicker with each other but for the most part, they are both so well mannered, kind, caring, considerate and loving little men.  Glenn and I can be sure that we have at least done two really good things in our lives - Ace and Jazz!  I am so thankful that he and I are on the same page with regards to parenting them; our rules, our routines, what we believe is appropriate - although he is a little more lenient than I am.  Having Mark as an influence in their life is also a blessing, he loves them and considers them as his own and they they respect him in the same way.

They are both driving me nuts about Halloween at the moment though, I will be glad to see the back of it.  Although, then they will become obsessed with Christmas.  If them nagging me over going trick or treating is the worst thing I'm facing with them at the moment I really have nothing to complain about.

We don't have Walmart in Australia but its still valid...

Well, thats about it really...the ups, the downs and everything in between.

We have to go back to court on the 2nd of November, I start uni on the 7th of November, I go for my pre-op appointment at the hospital on the 17th of November...but how about I just focus on the rest of October first hey.

Mark's birthday is on the 28th of this month so we have the celebration of that to look forward to :)

Anyway until next time...love, light and peace to you all xoxo

PS.  THANK YOU for enduring this epic blog post.