Thursday April 28, 2011

I am STRUGGLING so much at the moment and it sucks....but I am trying to make a difference and need to remind myself that I CAN DO IT!

Yesterday morning I got on the scales (fully dressed and after breakfast) and they said "Get off me fatty" -  86.1kg was the reading which is just disgusting.  That means I have gone up 5kg's in only a couple of weeks,  if I keep going at this rate I will end up super morbidly obese in only a matter of months!!  OK so that is a depressing enough thought to kick myself back into gear isn't it?

So I got myself motivated so I could start the day on a positive note and I rode the boys to school.  From there I made good food choices and avoided the umteen chocolate eggs and bunny's in the fridge and pantry (the boys easter gifts or I would throw them away), swapped my tea/coffee with sugar (equal) and milk for herbal tea which were very refreshing and also went back to training with Impact Fitness & Wellbeing for the first time in 'ages'.  Whilst it wasn't my best performance training wise it also wasn't my worst - but one thing for sure is that I really need to get my upper back looked at because it started playing up half way into the warm up and had me in agony last night and is still on the sore side now.

Anyway, as I said it STARTED off positively but unfortunately things went down hill very quickly the minute it was time to sit and slow down and relax for the night.  This for me = BINGE TIME and binge is what I did!  Grrrrrr, all that hard work down the drain, the one thing that is my saving grace is the fact that I did actually get up off my fat butt so I am hoping that I managed to negate it - wishful thinking, yeah I know!

Well,  today I am hoping that I can do better but to be honest with you my head is already in the wrong space and all I want to do is shove bad food into my mouth to make myself feel better. The stupid thing is that I write this knowing that it will only make me feel worse and yet....

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Monday April 25th 2011

It has been 12 days since I updated this blog and that time has been a rollercoaster of emotions.  20 years ago today I lost my father to cancer and not a day goes by that I don't think about him or miss him.  Every April is a rollercoaster ride for me emotionally and despite trying to remain optimistic that I can  in fact stay on top of life, I end up falling into a heap and this year has been no exception.  Putting my back out was the beginning of every thing going down hill as it immediately brought back memories of my fathers tumor on his spine.   The Easter Holidays as you can imagine don't help when you are an emotional eater and so to top it all off I have infact put on weight again - no suprises there.

This time has however allowed me to reflect on my Yo-Yoing (for lack of a better word),  not only the emotional binging but also sadly the slipping back into my negative eating disorder patterns.  I have decided that it is time to STOP the Challenges and the Diets and to just live a Healthy BALANCED Lifestyle.  I still want to loose weight but I want to do it in a way that allows for me to splurge every now and then without me feeling that I need to get up at midnight and sneak out to the gym to burn off calories (after I have done 2+ hours already that day) or that I need to eat and purge or that I reduce my calories to half of what I should be eating. 

With regards to stopping doing Challenges, I am in no way saying that they aren't a good thing to do, in fact I think that they are an excellent way to boost motivational levels.  The thing is that I just take them too the extreme and as a result end up falling back into negative patterns of self abuse - which is not good for me!

So anyway, I just plan on taking each day as it comes - eating a healhty well balanced diet, exercising (without overtraining - another big part of the whole self abuse patterning) and enjoying the process - this I believe is achieveable and maintainable!!

I have approx 15kg to lose to be within my healthy weight range and  emotionally, mentally and physically it is a struggle and so I have decided that I am going to get more fluid in my band to help me a little.  One thing that I have come to terms with recently is the fact that it is not / was not the cheats way out - in fact making the decision to do something as drastic as getting surgery was an incredibly tough decision and one that I do not regret making.  I only have 15kg to go now and its a struggle - if it wasn't for the lapband I would be struggling to shed more than 50kg and the thought of that is just unbearable.  I am not saying that surgery is the right choice for everyone nor is it the answer to solve all your problems as I believe that you still need to work with it (proper nutrition and exercise), but it is certainly an option that I would recommend to those who are struggling with 'obesity'.

Thats enough from me for now, I have so much going around in this head of mine at the moment and not all of it is making sense so it is taking me ages to get this blog finished and I have housework that needs doing so until the next blog - be kind to you!

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Genesis Challenge Day 3, Week 4

Here's a quick update!!

So after Saturdays massive calorie blow out, I decided that it wasn't the end of the world and that I would still enjoy my Sunday with the family as planned (after my 9.15am Yoga Class).  The kids chose to go to the movies (we saw Rango - it was OK) and so in order to save a buck and also my hips we made our own popcorn and snacks at home and took a bottle of water too. 

On the way home we stopped and splurged on Fish'n'Chips for dinner - my first Free Meal.  As much as I would love to say that I really enjoyed it - I didn't.  I just kept looking at it all and saying to Glenn "Do you realise how many calories and grams of fat we are eating?", to which he replied "It's not like we do it all the time, just eat it!".  So I figured that it wasn't going to kill me (although the arterties might disagree) and just resigned myself to the fact that tomorrow I could just do some extra time on the treadmill to burn some of it off.

So tomorrow came (Monday Day 1 of Week 4), and I was ready for another big training week BUT my body had another plan for me when I pinched a nerve in my upper back (under my right shoulder blade) by  snatching a pair of pants of my 7 year old son who at 8am had already managed to get on my nerves (no pun intended).  When I told my Mum what happened her response was "So whats the moral of this story?".  I was like "Huh?", and so in her motherly voice she says "Don't snatch" LOL!

So anyway, I called Marianne and told her that she had to go it alone, which she did after coming over to make me a cuppa and to get my first aid box down for me so I could get a pain killer and do my dishes while she was here - thank you so much precious.  

I was hoping that REST was all I needed for it to be right for me to do Boxing that night but unfortunately it was not to be so instead Brendan allowed me to take the class under his supervision and I have to say that it was the best part of my day - I LOVED IT!!  Thank you Mr.  Impact.

Despite me hoping that it would be miraculously better in the morning - Tuesday Day 2, Week 4 was also a write off both exercise and food wise.  Emotional eating is such a vicious cycle and a habit that I really need to learn how to deal with better.  I am a pig when I am emotional, I will raid the cupboard and eat everything in sight until I feel satisfied - which doesn't happen so then I end up back into a negative pattern of self abuse =(

And so here I am Wednesday Day 3, Week 4 and although it is a little better (I no longer cry when I move), it was another exercise free day and a crappy food day.  I did however manage to get out and go for a short slow walk (with Kerriann, the girls and the puppies) and so that along with a visit from my good friend Jane (JT) my day has been quite wonderful, considering that I am struggling a little with the fear of this week being a huge setback - the food side of which I have brought on myself - GRRR!!

Anyway as you can probably hear in the tone of the writing - I am not coping too well with it all right now BUT its really isn't the end of the world and I need to learn to be kinder to myself and to find a way to divert my emotional eating.  I am not training again tomorrow or Friday so I am hoping that Saturday morning I might be right to get back to combat but I am not going to push if I'm not or else I could do more damage physically which will just devastate me mentally and emotionally.

Well thats it from me for tonight - I am hoping that it is these kind of experiences and feelings that will help to make me a success trainer!

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Genesis Challenge, Day 6, Week 3 Update

I am exhausted and am craving all the wrong types of food.  I have given in to temptation a couple of times but have managed to keep it controlled and reasonably within reason.  My exercise has been good although today was a struggle because my knee and heel are really sore - my own fault for pushing too hard - I cannot wait until they get fixed.  Anyway I am heading to bed so this is short (not so sweet), this will be the 3rd time this week I have been in bed before 10.30pm which for me is very rare indeed.  Wish I could say I have been sleeping well but I haven't - grrr.  I am hanging in there, being flat sucks but this too shall pass.  You need to experience the lows in order to appreciate the highs!!  Teaching Yoga in the morning which I am looking forward to as I just researched some new postures to try out.  Will write again soonish!  xoxo

ADDITIONAL NOTE:

So much for it being reasonably controlled - I feel disgusted in myself.  1900+ Calories - OINK! OINK!  My stomach feels even worse than it did before - I have not had any relief in 1 week and today is weigh in day - GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Food and Exercise Diary HERE

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Genesis Challenge Day 2, Week 3

Food and Exercise Diary HERE - Not very happy with myself today, but tomorrow is a new day and I will try harder to get the calorie intake up there again!  Grrr, this time its MK's turn to give me the lecture!  Yes, Yes I will practise what I preach :oP.

"Every day may not be good, but

there's something good in every day"

You know how sometimes you just wake up flat? Well, today was my flat moment, I just couldn't be bothered getting out of bed.  But I did and I still went about my usual routine including going to Gym.

So today I discovered first hand that it really is true what they say about the mind being the make or break when it comes to exercise.  As I was waiting for the Boxing class to start this morning I was already convinced that I wasn't going to be able to keep up with everyone, and then ofcourse we started and I struggled with the first lots of sprints.  It wasn't until about half way through that I changed my mindset and took control enough to focus and give it everything I had and by the end of the class I was the one leading the sprints.  At the end of the class the Instructor 'Michael' praised and high fived me and I have to say that it gave me a real sense of pride which saw me walking out of the Gym with my head held high and a pep in my step. =)

Unfortunately by the afternoon I was back to feeling flat again and now as I write this I am totally exhausted and still feeling flat but it's nothing that some sweet slumber won't fix (and probably a higher calorie intake too).

Anyway so not to end on a negative note even though it hasn't been the best of days, there are still moments that have made me smile and I am still thankful that I got to wake up and experience it and so for me that's good enough.

"If you don't like something - change it;

if you can't change it,

change the way you look at it".

Read more "Genesis Challenge Day 2, Week 3"

Genesis Challenge Day 1, Week 3

“It is good to have an end to journey toward;

but it is the journey that matters, in the end”.

My gorgeous friend Marianne had her 2 week weigh in today and her results were incredible!!  A loss of 4.5kg and a total loss of 25cm (2cm off chest, 13cm off hips and 10cm off waist) - WOW!  This girl has worked her ghetto bootie off and deserves every bit of the amazing result - she really is an inspiration.  But, instead of being happy with these results she was beating herself up because she was hoping for more. 

Why do we insist on not appreciating the smaller steps that we need to take in order to get to our final destination?  Why can't we just enjoy the journey?

In conversation with Marianne and Kerriann today it came to my attention that I have not acknowledged that I am proud of how far I have come since losing my weight. 

For me I believe that this is because on one level I feel as though I cheated by taking the easy option and getting the lapband (even though I know that journey hasn't exactly been all roses) and also because I am still not content to just stay at this place that I am right now.

So anyway, it got me thinking and so this afternoon I spent some time reflecting on my Before Photos and some Photos of myself over the past couple years and whilst Yes, I am the first to admitt that I am still not 100% 'content' where I am now and so will still be striving to achieve my ultimate goals (in a way that I am proud off which is through bloody hard work and dedication), I am so much happier now than where I was then at 127.5kg, 110kg, 105kg, 100kg, 95kg, 90kg. 

I have lost a total of 56.5kg and even though I have put on weight again and am 10.5kg heavier I still achieved it and am nowhere near where I was.  I have covered an enormous distance on this journey and have got to experience what it feels like to lose an excessive amount of excess baggage that was holding me back (because I allowed it to).

I now realise that I should of acknowledged how great of an achievement it was to have lost what I had lost.  But, instead of taking pride in my accomplishments I took it for granted and beat myself up which led to distructive behaviour and self abuse. 

I write this in the hopes that I can stop people (including myself) from beating themselves over something that they should be proud of, so that they do take the time to reflect on the awesome acheivement and accomplisment that they have made - no matter how big or small.

Every step counts...

One step forward

Is a step in the right direction!!  

I am not this person anymore...

I am proud of my achievements...

I am happy to be where I am... 

Read more "Genesis Challenge Day 1, Week 3"

Genesis Challenge Weigh In, End of Week 2

This week I lost 1/2 kg which is a good loss considering my food intake increased. 

2 Week Weigh In Results:

• Lost 2kg
• Lost 1.3% of Body Fat
• Gained .7% of Skeletal Muscle
• Reduced by BMI

I am really happy with my progress so far but am very much looking forward to seeing further progress in the weeks to come. I am feeling confident about reaching my goals and cannot wait to see the new improved me at the end of it.

I am in the process of setting myself some target rewards which I will share once I have them properly sorted.  I am finding it to be a difficult process as I feel very selfish for rewarding myself with something when I already take time and money away from my family to go to the Gym.  I am trying to think of non monetary rewards but so far the things that make my heart flutter the most involve hard cash, so I have some work to do emotionally to allow myself to splurge on me and not feel guilty for it!   

I am only 1.6kg away from reaching my first goal of being under the 80kg mark again - I believe I can achieve this within the next 2 - 3 weeks.

My aim for Week 3 is:

• Minimum .6kg loss.
• Tighten nutrition
• Keep up exercise routine
• Balance Life and Gym better

I have to add how absolutely blessed I am to be taking this journey with my wonderfully supportive and inspirational besties Kerrianne and Marianne. Thank you both so much for kicking my butt when its needed, for pulling me up when I start beating myself up, for lending a shoulder when my barriers come down and for lending an ear even though I talk it off, I love you gals - go the Oooh Aaaah Sisters!!

Read more "Genesis Challenge Weigh In, End of Week 2"

Genesis Challenge Day 6, 7, Week 2

Food and Exercise Diary HERE

Yesterdays combat session with Impact Fitness & Wellbeing was a really good and my heart rate was peaking throughout most of the session.  There was lots of running, punching and kicking but also lots of fun doing it which makes it even better. 

After the session JP and JT came back for a chat about nutrition which also resulted in me taking measurements and working out BMR's, BMI's and Goal Weights.  I have to say, that I really loved doing it and know that I have definately choosen the right field - I want to help people achieve their goals and the best part about it at the moment is that I get to achieve mine alongside them.  I am feeling so blessed with the awesome friendships that I am making and couldn't wipe the smile off my face all afternoon.

I had 7 at today's Yoga session and as always enjoyed the process, although I wish that I could of meditated for an hour longer but it was pure bliss while it lasted!

I did my shopping this afternoon so that I am all prepared for the week ahead.  The boys have some extra curricular activities this week which have been slotted into my already crazy schedule so its going to be a busy one.

Looking forward to sharing more with you soon.  Remember to think positive and to never give up!

Read more "Genesis Challenge Day 6, 7, Week 2"

Genesis Challenge Day 5, Week 2 - REST DAY!

Food and Exercise Diary HERE

I worked out my BMR today and in order to lose between .5kg - 1kg per week I should having between 1455calories and 1955 calories.  This ofcourse will change when my weight changes and is based on my current level of exercise which is 3 - 5 intense 60 minute sessions per week.  Over the past 2 weeks my average daily calorie intake has been just under 1400 calories so I can afford to have some days where I take in a little more (healthy options ofcourse).

I gave a friend of mine some advise tonight and figured that I should make of note of it so that it can be reminder for myself also.

Losing weight is 80% Nutrition and 20% Exercise, Fueling the body correctly and adequately is just as important as putting petrol in your car. If your car is running on empty it is slow and sluggish, if you put the wrong fuel in then the same occurs. But when it has the right fuel it can run for miles and miles before its time to refill and if done in the proper manner it will just pick up where it left off.

Today was my exercise free day and my body is thanking me for it.  Tomorrow morning I have Combat and then on Sunday its Yoga.

I dread the weekends food wise but I am determined to stay strong and make healthly options - we are considering going to the movies tomorrow night so I have decided that we will make our own popcorn at home and take some water with us instead of going to the candy bar.  Not only will we save our hips but our pockets too.

Well that's it from me for now back to study I go - head down, bum up so the saying goes!

Read more "Genesis Challenge Day 5, Week 2 - REST DAY!"