If life has shown us anything the past month its that life is too short to put off that which makes you happy AND so with that we set a date! We are getting married on Saturday 21st of April.
Nearly everything is organized, it helps that it is going to be very laid back - nothing OTT!
I cannot wait until we make our love official, so bloody exciting!
MAR 4th - Sunday is Food Prep Day!
For lunches this week the boys have pizza scrolls and salted caramel brownies and the big kids (aka moi and Mark) have a mixed veg fritatta with feta.
The scrolls are the easiest thing to make albeit the messiest: 1 cup SR flour & 1 cup Greek yogurt. Mix into a dough, roll out flat, add toppings, roll, cut into 2cm rounds and bake until golden. These ones have tomato paste, salami, semi dried tomatoes, pineapple and cheese.
MAR 5th - Study Break is Over!
And so it begins...year 2 of uni! I am only taking on two subjects this semester; Herbal Preparation and Sociology of Food and Nutrition. It should be an interesting, informative and perhaps a little stressful 16 weeks ahead - Let the studying begin! Oh how one day I wish to be able to live in a "cancer free world"!
MAR 6th
I am now spending my Tuesdays with my Sister, helping with the kids and general stuff around the house. One of the things I get the honour of doing, is taking my nephew to his swimming lessons - its such a great bonding time for us. If only it didn't take the "C word" for this time spent together to happen...oh well, main thing is that it is, can't think about the past just live in the moment of now!
How freaking adorable is this photo OMG!
MAR 10th
Yep I'm counting down and looking forward...I am so excited!
MAR 15th
I feel like I'm riding a bloody roller coaster at the moment, one minute I'm up and the next...
I sit tonight with the tears I have been holding back for so long streaming down my face. Theres a part of me that feels so ashamed of feeling this way when I know there are others who deserve to be shedding tears and wearing a heavy heart far more than I. But theres another part of me that says if I don't let it out, if I don't express it, it will only build up and create more dis-ease within and that goes against every piece of advice I give to others about self expression. So here I am...expressing! I have been so good at pretending to keep it together and just pushing through, but the truth is, I'm as human as f%@* and I'm hurting! I feel so lost in my own thoughts right now, lost in the haze of changes happening that I am yet to fully grasp. I don't plan to unpack and stay here and I know I have an abundance of things to be thankful for, but I just needed to share, to reach out...I may tell you I'm fine and even look like I've got my shit together, but sometimes even the toughest trees bend in the storm.
MAR 17th
Being healthy is one thing (both physically and psychologically) but aesthetics is another. If I have learnt nothing else from my yoyo sizes it is, that it doesn't matter what size or shape you are, if you are happy and healthy, that's when you are most beautiful!
MAR 17th
5 weeks until I stand on this very beach and pledge my eternal love to my sweet man!
MAR 22nd
I have been reflecting a bit this past week...perhaps because yesterday would have been the 20 year anniversary of my first wedding! Anyway, it got me thinking about how I have changed over the years due to my experiences and how if I hadn't of gone through each of the things I have then I wouldn't be who I am today. There are some things I am certainly not proud of, I think we all have those. I don't know if I agree with the 'no regrets' bit, because in all honesty I do regret the major mistakes but, I can say that despite them...I like, actually no, I love who I am...scars and all!
MAR 24th
It is funny how normally you don't want life to go too fast, but when you are waiting on an event, you want it to hurry up LOL! 4 weeks...it will be here before we know it, besides we need that time to be able to get up the money to pay for 'stuff'!
MAR 25th
Amen to this for both men and woman! Aesthetics are just the surface layer...be you and wear it with pride whatever shape or size!
I put off setting a wedding date because I didn't want to be a "fat" bride again! Then life showed us that it is way too short to put off that which makes you happy and so we set a date regardless of not losing weight.
I won't lie, there was a part of me that thought 'Shit! I need to drop (blah blah) kilos in 8 weeks' and I noticed a shift happen...a shift that wasn't a good one! I decided then and there that I wasn't going to do it - push myself to achieve a certain size that is! I was just going to embrace me as I am, the same way my sweet man loves me and wants to marry me just as I am, and vice-a-versa.
Being healthy is one thing (both physically and psychologically) but aesthetics is another. If I have learnt nothing else from my yoyo sizes it is, that it doesn't matter what size or shape you are, if you are happy and healthy, that's when you are most beautiful!
Wanna hear a funny story?
So, when we first decided to set a date and have a wedding, we had the intention of it being a very small 'family only' intimate gathering on the beach. This to me meant that it really didn't matter what I looked like, I could get married in my PJs and my family would think nothing of it LOL! Given that was the case, I purchased a dress off Ebay for $30.00 which looked amazing on the 'skinny - straight up and down' model. Anyway, it fit me and it looked okay, although Mum suggested a tummy tucker inner'er would look better and so I pulled it out the draw put it on, and she was right, it did make a difference - the fact that I felt like I couldn't breathe wouldn't matter right?
So, one afternoon, after I had a hair trial, I decided to put my dress on again just to see if it had grown on me a little more...nope it hadn't AND now we had announced it to the facebook world it meant that more people were going to see me in my dress than expected, which left me feeling a little defeated. I don't know why I decided to sit down, but I did and with that I heard a 'rip'...yep I split the seam! You can imagine the words that came out of my mouth and to say that I went into anxiety overload is an understatement. But, I quickly gave myself a pep talk not to cry, and decided that it was an omen...I had to find another dress then and there - one I could actually breathe in, one I felt more like me in, one that also made me feel like a beautiful bride. And I did just that - City Chic and Afterpay to the rescue! OMG how awesome is afterpay!
So I know have another dress, that I absolutely adore and if anything is maybe even a little on the big side...gggrrrr for being a 1/2 size...if only they made size 15 LOL!
The dress that wasn't meant to be...
Mar 26th...NOW!
UNI Update
I would love to tell you that everything is going great, but we are now into week 4 and I am still struggling to find my study mojo (infact I should be studying rather than blogging hhhmmmm). I am so far behind with it all and to be honest I considered dropping out of this semester. I didn't because I know that if I do, I probably wont start back up again, and its something that I really want to do...I just need to knuckle down and do it, rather than letting the anxiety get the better of me where I feel so overwhelmed and can't focus. Admittedly, life is a little - okay alot, difference now to only a couple of months ago...it will all fall into place soon, I just need to stop being so hard on myself.
BREAST Update
So I had the doctor feel me up and she found a few lumps, so I had a mammogram and ultra sound which confirmed the GPs findings and then they sent me off to get a biopsy. BUT, the specialist said that they couldn't get enough cells from the lumps to be able to give a conclusive result and so now I am wanting on my Peter Mac appointment which could be up to 3 months away. I was really freaking out at one stage, but I have decided that there is no point worrying about it, until I get to my appointment, do more tests plus the genetic testing, counselling etc...etc...
So while I wait for my appointment, I focus on my family that needs me. It also gives me time to gather as much information as I can, before I go ahead and make any major life changing decisions, like getting my boobs chopped off - which may be a high probability. Anyway enough about that or else my head will become a muddled mess again.
Oh I also have another specialist appointment in early May to do with the rear end...just a general check as things haven't quite been right and there is also a history of bowel cancer in the family...it's all a bit shitty really, hahaha pun intended!
HOW AM I?
I know that over the past few years alot has changed in my life that made me somewhat (okay alot) self absorbed and as a result I was ultra shit at staying intouch, and so I truly appreciate those friends who have reached out and taken the time to check in and ask how I am. This past month I have come to realise how important friendships are to me, I may not have a massive list, in fact my circle is quite small but I cherish you all.
In answer to the above question...I'm in a really odd place!
Part of me is over the moon at the fact that in 3 weeks and 5 days, I am going to be getting married to a man that makes me feel like I am the most precious and loved woman on the planet. A man who I love with every inch of my being and am so happy in his presence.
And yet, there is another part that just can't get her shit together and feels like she is falling apart at the seams...lost and lonely. I don't like feeling this way! I can usually pull myself out of this dark place and get back to being my usual positive happy go lucky self really quickly, but at the moment, I just don't have the energy!
I'm Okay though OR so I keep on saying!
Maybe its just that its almost April and well, its not exactly been a good month for me since my Dad died and to add salt to that wound, losing my precious fur baby last year. I was hoping that by setting the wedding date in April that it would help to lift the mood of things a little, and it has somewhat, but it has also made me wish my Dad was here even more. Life is just so fucking unfair sometimes!
GGGRRRR I'm getting angry at myself because I have so much to be thankful for in my life and yet I'm a sad sack! FFS pull yourself together woman! Ok time to TRY and get some sleep...tomorrow I am going to call my counsellor - this is crazy, this is not me *SIGH*.
So while I wait for my appointment, I focus on my family that needs me. It also gives me time to gather as much information as I can, before I go ahead and make any major life changing decisions, like getting my boobs chopped off - which may be a high probability. Anyway enough about that or else my head will become a muddled mess again.
Oh I also have another specialist appointment in early May to do with the rear end...just a general check as things haven't quite been right and there is also a history of bowel cancer in the family...it's all a bit shitty really, hahaha pun intended!
HOW AM I?
I know that over the past few years alot has changed in my life that made me somewhat (okay alot) self absorbed and as a result I was ultra shit at staying intouch, and so I truly appreciate those friends who have reached out and taken the time to check in and ask how I am. This past month I have come to realise how important friendships are to me, I may not have a massive list, in fact my circle is quite small but I cherish you all.
In answer to the above question...I'm in a really odd place!
Part of me is over the moon at the fact that in 3 weeks and 5 days, I am going to be getting married to a man that makes me feel like I am the most precious and loved woman on the planet. A man who I love with every inch of my being and am so happy in his presence.
And yet, there is another part that just can't get her shit together and feels like she is falling apart at the seams...lost and lonely. I don't like feeling this way! I can usually pull myself out of this dark place and get back to being my usual positive happy go lucky self really quickly, but at the moment, I just don't have the energy!
I'm Okay though OR so I keep on saying!
Maybe its just that its almost April and well, its not exactly been a good month for me since my Dad died and to add salt to that wound, losing my precious fur baby last year. I was hoping that by setting the wedding date in April that it would help to lift the mood of things a little, and it has somewhat, but it has also made me wish my Dad was here even more. Life is just so fucking unfair sometimes!
GGGRRRR I'm getting angry at myself because I have so much to be thankful for in my life and yet I'm a sad sack! FFS pull yourself together woman! Ok time to TRY and get some sleep...tomorrow I am going to call my counsellor - this is crazy, this is not me *SIGH*.
