Thursday April 28, 2011

I am STRUGGLING so much at the moment and it sucks....but I am trying to make a difference and need to remind myself that I CAN DO IT!

Yesterday morning I got on the scales (fully dressed and after breakfast) and they said "Get off me fatty" -  86.1kg was the reading which is just disgusting.  That means I have gone up 5kg's in only a couple of weeks,  if I keep going at this rate I will end up super morbidly obese in only a matter of months!!  OK so that is a depressing enough thought to kick myself back into gear isn't it?

So I got myself motivated so I could start the day on a positive note and I rode the boys to school.  From there I made good food choices and avoided the umteen chocolate eggs and bunny's in the fridge and pantry (the boys easter gifts or I would throw them away), swapped my tea/coffee with sugar (equal) and milk for herbal tea which were very refreshing and also went back to training with Impact Fitness & Wellbeing for the first time in 'ages'.  Whilst it wasn't my best performance training wise it also wasn't my worst - but one thing for sure is that I really need to get my upper back looked at because it started playing up half way into the warm up and had me in agony last night and is still on the sore side now.

Anyway, as I said it STARTED off positively but unfortunately things went down hill very quickly the minute it was time to sit and slow down and relax for the night.  This for me = BINGE TIME and binge is what I did!  Grrrrrr, all that hard work down the drain, the one thing that is my saving grace is the fact that I did actually get up off my fat butt so I am hoping that I managed to negate it - wishful thinking, yeah I know!

Well,  today I am hoping that I can do better but to be honest with you my head is already in the wrong space and all I want to do is shove bad food into my mouth to make myself feel better. The stupid thing is that I write this knowing that it will only make me feel worse and yet....

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Monday April 25th 2011

It has been 12 days since I updated this blog and that time has been a rollercoaster of emotions.  20 years ago today I lost my father to cancer and not a day goes by that I don't think about him or miss him.  Every April is a rollercoaster ride for me emotionally and despite trying to remain optimistic that I can  in fact stay on top of life, I end up falling into a heap and this year has been no exception.  Putting my back out was the beginning of every thing going down hill as it immediately brought back memories of my fathers tumor on his spine.   The Easter Holidays as you can imagine don't help when you are an emotional eater and so to top it all off I have infact put on weight again - no suprises there.

This time has however allowed me to reflect on my Yo-Yoing (for lack of a better word),  not only the emotional binging but also sadly the slipping back into my negative eating disorder patterns.  I have decided that it is time to STOP the Challenges and the Diets and to just live a Healthy BALANCED Lifestyle.  I still want to loose weight but I want to do it in a way that allows for me to splurge every now and then without me feeling that I need to get up at midnight and sneak out to the gym to burn off calories (after I have done 2+ hours already that day) or that I need to eat and purge or that I reduce my calories to half of what I should be eating. 

With regards to stopping doing Challenges, I am in no way saying that they aren't a good thing to do, in fact I think that they are an excellent way to boost motivational levels.  The thing is that I just take them too the extreme and as a result end up falling back into negative patterns of self abuse - which is not good for me!

So anyway, I just plan on taking each day as it comes - eating a healhty well balanced diet, exercising (without overtraining - another big part of the whole self abuse patterning) and enjoying the process - this I believe is achieveable and maintainable!!

I have approx 15kg to lose to be within my healthy weight range and  emotionally, mentally and physically it is a struggle and so I have decided that I am going to get more fluid in my band to help me a little.  One thing that I have come to terms with recently is the fact that it is not / was not the cheats way out - in fact making the decision to do something as drastic as getting surgery was an incredibly tough decision and one that I do not regret making.  I only have 15kg to go now and its a struggle - if it wasn't for the lapband I would be struggling to shed more than 50kg and the thought of that is just unbearable.  I am not saying that surgery is the right choice for everyone nor is it the answer to solve all your problems as I believe that you still need to work with it (proper nutrition and exercise), but it is certainly an option that I would recommend to those who are struggling with 'obesity'.

Thats enough from me for now, I have so much going around in this head of mine at the moment and not all of it is making sense so it is taking me ages to get this blog finished and I have housework that needs doing so until the next blog - be kind to you!

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Genesis Challenge Day 3, Week 4

Here's a quick update!!

So after Saturdays massive calorie blow out, I decided that it wasn't the end of the world and that I would still enjoy my Sunday with the family as planned (after my 9.15am Yoga Class).  The kids chose to go to the movies (we saw Rango - it was OK) and so in order to save a buck and also my hips we made our own popcorn and snacks at home and took a bottle of water too. 

On the way home we stopped and splurged on Fish'n'Chips for dinner - my first Free Meal.  As much as I would love to say that I really enjoyed it - I didn't.  I just kept looking at it all and saying to Glenn "Do you realise how many calories and grams of fat we are eating?", to which he replied "It's not like we do it all the time, just eat it!".  So I figured that it wasn't going to kill me (although the arterties might disagree) and just resigned myself to the fact that tomorrow I could just do some extra time on the treadmill to burn some of it off.

So tomorrow came (Monday Day 1 of Week 4), and I was ready for another big training week BUT my body had another plan for me when I pinched a nerve in my upper back (under my right shoulder blade) by  snatching a pair of pants of my 7 year old son who at 8am had already managed to get on my nerves (no pun intended).  When I told my Mum what happened her response was "So whats the moral of this story?".  I was like "Huh?", and so in her motherly voice she says "Don't snatch" LOL!

So anyway, I called Marianne and told her that she had to go it alone, which she did after coming over to make me a cuppa and to get my first aid box down for me so I could get a pain killer and do my dishes while she was here - thank you so much precious.  

I was hoping that REST was all I needed for it to be right for me to do Boxing that night but unfortunately it was not to be so instead Brendan allowed me to take the class under his supervision and I have to say that it was the best part of my day - I LOVED IT!!  Thank you Mr.  Impact.

Despite me hoping that it would be miraculously better in the morning - Tuesday Day 2, Week 4 was also a write off both exercise and food wise.  Emotional eating is such a vicious cycle and a habit that I really need to learn how to deal with better.  I am a pig when I am emotional, I will raid the cupboard and eat everything in sight until I feel satisfied - which doesn't happen so then I end up back into a negative pattern of self abuse =(

And so here I am Wednesday Day 3, Week 4 and although it is a little better (I no longer cry when I move), it was another exercise free day and a crappy food day.  I did however manage to get out and go for a short slow walk (with Kerriann, the girls and the puppies) and so that along with a visit from my good friend Jane (JT) my day has been quite wonderful, considering that I am struggling a little with the fear of this week being a huge setback - the food side of which I have brought on myself - GRRR!!

Anyway as you can probably hear in the tone of the writing - I am not coping too well with it all right now BUT its really isn't the end of the world and I need to learn to be kinder to myself and to find a way to divert my emotional eating.  I am not training again tomorrow or Friday so I am hoping that Saturday morning I might be right to get back to combat but I am not going to push if I'm not or else I could do more damage physically which will just devastate me mentally and emotionally.

Well thats it from me for tonight - I am hoping that it is these kind of experiences and feelings that will help to make me a success trainer!

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Genesis Challenge, Day 6, Week 3 Update

I am exhausted and am craving all the wrong types of food.  I have given in to temptation a couple of times but have managed to keep it controlled and reasonably within reason.  My exercise has been good although today was a struggle because my knee and heel are really sore - my own fault for pushing too hard - I cannot wait until they get fixed.  Anyway I am heading to bed so this is short (not so sweet), this will be the 3rd time this week I have been in bed before 10.30pm which for me is very rare indeed.  Wish I could say I have been sleeping well but I haven't - grrr.  I am hanging in there, being flat sucks but this too shall pass.  You need to experience the lows in order to appreciate the highs!!  Teaching Yoga in the morning which I am looking forward to as I just researched some new postures to try out.  Will write again soonish!  xoxo

ADDITIONAL NOTE:

So much for it being reasonably controlled - I feel disgusted in myself.  1900+ Calories - OINK! OINK!  My stomach feels even worse than it did before - I have not had any relief in 1 week and today is weigh in day - GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Food and Exercise Diary HERE

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