Reaching our limits & Overwhelmed Update...

On Wednesday, despite yet again feeling like absolute crap I pushed through and did my morning session of work.  Towards the end of the hour however I could feel that I was tiring really quickly.  I managed to get through and figured  that after an hour break I should be OK enough for my next appointment.  After 45 minutes my energy level still had not increased, if anything I felt even more depleted.  I uummed and arrhhed about whether to just push through again or to stop and really listen to what my body was telling me and ended up sending a last minute cancellation message and then went to bed for the rest of the day.  

I was hoping to get out in the garden as the rain had cleared for a little while so that made my decision making a little tough because my philosophy is that if I'm not well enough to work then I'm not well enough to garden.  I have the same kind of mental thought pattern when it comes to my housework - if I'm well enough to clean my house (to the ocd standard I like) then i am well enough to work.

The fact that I needed to be well enough to attend my sons Grade 6 production that he had been working so hard on and incredibly excited about ended up being the biggest motivator for me to call it quits for the day.  

If it wasn't for that I believe I would of probably pushed past that limit because I really dislike letting someone down.  I know realistically that me pushing through with work and then gardening and going out would of resulted in me being out of action for longer than just the afternoon, which would mean letting more than just that one person down but having to send that message was like me failing on so many different levels.

It is so hard when you work for yourself as no work equals no money (which of course means struggling to stay on top financially which is bloody stressful) and cancelling means not only letting people down but the possibly of losing them as a client.  Even though I have explained my health situation to everyone and I am so blessed that they are all incredibly understanding and supportive it is still something that worries me.

BUT, there has to be a point where all that is not as important as your own well being. I have learnt that unless you stop before crossing that line, the hole will just become bigger and harder to climb out of seeing you down for longer than is necessary if you just acknowledged that you were close to reaching that limit in the first place and yet despite knowing all this I still worked that morning and considered pushing through that afternoon.  Why oh why am i my own worth enemy.  

Today we had court and surprise surprise it was yet another waste of time.  We did find out though that the reason the report wasn't completed is because the other party hasn't bothered to attend the appointments needed to progress because she's been unwell - they didn't bother to show up today either...Seriously!  I've been unwell, Mark's been unwell and in hospital, I've also been taking someone else to their medical appointments and caring for them on top of my family and yet we have managed to attend all our appointments - all freaking 6 of them!  Lazy bitch honestly...the future of a little girl is waiting on this and yet they put themselves first yet again.  Anyway, a positive is that we got an updated DHS report which confirmed a lot of things we thought, still not enough being done on their part though - so much is going under the radar which is infuriating.

As we couldn't really progress today we got to come home early and I went straight back to bed and slept all afternoon, which was so needed.  Now, however I am finding it difficult to sleep despite still being tired...luckily I have my blog to keep me company.

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A Garden update...

In case you are new to the blog and didn't get to see the previous GARDEN posts, here are the links:

Cleansing in the garden...

More gardening...

Another garden post...

Saturday gardening...

Sunday gardening...

I didn't realise I had posted so many. I love the before and afters, makes it even more worthwhile when you can see how much you have achieved.

And here is the update...

We haven't been able to do a great deal in the garden since Sunday due to the heavens opening up and providing us with some much needed rain. It did however clear up for a little while on Monday so we were able to get in a little garden time YAY! Oh, we grew a few inches in the process though from the mud that stuck to our shoes hehe!

Monday 12 September 2016

Pretty happy with today's efforts. Our back garden area is really starting to take shape and looking and feeling good.

Mark split some of the Bromiliads, Big Green plant things(next to the Lion in the next pic) and Ag's and planted them along the lattice to provide more of a screen so the kids bike shed mess eventually wont be seen. Oh wait...there won't be any mess because Mum is going to cull it all!

From a patch of leaves (12 plastic bags full) to hopefully a beautiful scrub area. Hebe's, silvery plant with white flowers and a couple of Ag's in AND I made a path to the wood box (just an old chest freezer that shit itself ages ago). A fernery would of been awesome in here, but they were a little too pricey. I also sprinkled a packet of cottage garden seeds in here too - at $1 a packet if they grow it's a bonus. I just want them to grow already...yes, yes, I know have patience!:)

OK I know I had already done this section but we were looking at the dirt patch in front and thought instead of 'trying' to grow grass which is hard to mow there why not just widen the garden bed...and so I did! We had some rouge lily's on the back fence so I transplanted them over to here. I ran out of colourful seed packets so will need to go to Aldi and get some more but the daffodils, iris and tulips add some beautiful colour and once the lilys come out there will be even more. We must remember to prune the roses back in June.

We planted a couple of Yukkcas that we had in pots in the pool area...much better than getting root bound in the little pot. We still have so much to do to this area still before summer. Can't wait for the new pool - it's the boys Christmas present from Mum and us. We had one of the plastic blow up rim ones but last year it ripped - we got a good run out of it though. :)

Added some colour to the front of the pool fence and found 3 big pavers under the grass SO now we have another job to do...make a proper path in front of the gate.

Plum Tree planted along the back fence near the shed. We have one at the opposite end of the fence too but shes already huge and so pretty with lots of blossoms at the moment.

We thinned out the 'fire plants' along the back fence and replanted some bulbs in the spaces. The ones that Mark pulled out he cut down and saved the bulbs - Mums going to take some and he's going to plant some in pots as part of his new little venture.   We also added some more Ag's to the area and I put some sunflower seeds along the back.

Tuesday 13 September 2016

Mum gave me a cutting of her Christmas flower so I planted it in an old pot I had lying around. It looks like it was made for this exact space...thank you Mr. Gargoyle Dog.

As it was too wet to do anything in the actual garden Mark sat (yes in his PJ's, Dressing Gown and Slippers) and trimmed up some Ag's that I had pulled out, ready for replanting.

He also managed to get quite a big pile of root stocks to be able to grow.

While Mark did his Agi trimming, I wrote up some garden plans and updated our to do list. Much less overwhelming when we break it down although omgoodness there is still so much to be done. Some of this is also little notes of what I planted and where I planted it so that I will know when it all comes into bloom.

Something random to end the post...Mark discovered a puppy dog rock in the garden...I shall name him Cliff!

And that's it for now, hoping that the weekend will be nice enough to get out and do some more...stay tuned!

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Feeling Overwhelmed...

September 14 - Feeling Overwhelmed 

"Feeling Overwhelmed isn't surprising. Being surprised about it is" - Anne Wilson Schaef

"With life being all that it is, being over whelmed seems like a normal reaction."

Today's meditation topic is about feeling overwhelmed and by golly do I know the feeling of being suffocated by life and everything within it all to well. It feels as though I can't breathe, that I am trapped and there is no escape.

Quite often I will admit that it is of my own doing, usually yet again taking on too much, not saying no to something I didn't want to do or the fact that things aren't as perfectly in order as I wish for them to be.  There are times however when it is due to something out of my control.

Either way, there is always a way out even if it doesn't always seem like it at the time.

How I deal with feeling overwhelmed...

After my mini or colossal meltdown, tantrum or cleaning frenzy (remembering that I am OCD and my internal reflects the external).

I stop!

I breathe!

And then, I step back from it all so that I can get an outside perspective on what is going on, rather than being in the thick of it all.

Then, I analyse it bit by bit, figuring out which things stay and if possible which things go. Whether I need to ask for help or if I can do it on my own; most often than not my pride prevents me from seeking help from others - another thing I need to overcome and not see as a sign of weakness but in fact strength of character.

After that. its a matter of breaking it down into steps and making a plan of attack.

I take another deep breath!

Tell myself I've got this!

Then, I step back in again working step by step to get through it. 

Quite often I will actually repeat the mantra of 'one step at a time' or a positive affirmation like 'I can achieve what I need to do effortlessly' in my head.

And sure enough the feeling passes.

What's overwhelming me at this moment...

Tonight I'm feeling overwhelmed knowing we have a full day of court again tomorrow (custody battle - I will post about it more at a later date) and I really don't want to go but we 'have' to; well we could walk away but we have chosen to fight so really its because of a choice we have made, but still!  It is just so bloody draining and in all honesty seems like a waste of time especially considering the fact that the report we are going to court for the release of tomorrow hasn't even been completed by the clinic yet.  No doubt the other party will also throw yet another spanner in the works because they only ever think of themselves and the perpetrators agenda rather than the well-being of the actual victim in all of this.  I really wish that karma would bite them on the arse's sooner rather than later. I am usually a person who is all love, light and alfalfa but arrrrhhhhhhh even thinking about them makes smoke come out of my ears. 

I'd better end this blog now before I head off in a rant and a direction that I don't have the tactful ability to cover just yet. Maybe I need to work out a way how to let go of how angry and physically sick to my stomach it makes me.  I will never forget and I will never forgive no-matter how many times a day they pray but I do need to let go of the feeling of rage it raises in me, for my.own benefit. 

Anyway, time for me to stop, breathe, step back and work out a plan of attack for how to get through tomorrow.  At least Mark and I have each other for support - for that I am truly thankful.

How do you deal with feeling overwhelmed?

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Scripture Writing Plan - Day 14

Day 14 - Psalm 32: 4-6

4.  For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. Selah.

5.  I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah.

6.  For this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee in a time when thou mayest be found: surely in the floods of great waters they shall not come nigh unto him.

My Interpretation...

Firstly, there is some debate over the meaning of Selah pronounced 'see-la' .  It seems that there are 3 different meanings; 'praise', 'lift up', 'pause' - so basically it could simply mean to take a moment to look towards God and give thanks.

I believe that these verses are talking about feeling heavy with the guilt of our sins, immoral behaviour, law breaking and that by repenting, confessing to God and asking for his forgiveness, that the weight will be removed from us so that we no longer feel as though we will be drowned by the raging sea of our emotions.

God will forgive our sins as he loves us and because Jesus was the one already punished on our behalf.

The rest of the psalm speaks of trusting and allowing God to guide us on our path so that we do not get lost on our way.

It kind of seems that we can make the worst mistakes imaginable, confess those sins to God and we will automatically be forgiven, but this isn't entirely the case.   From the previous readings I have read it isn't quite so cut and dry.  The best way I can explain it is that we still need to prove that we are truly remorseful, to live each day above reproach of those sins we asked forgiveness for and to also accept that we may need to live with a consequence of our actions.  The true test of Gods forgiveness however comes when we reach the end of the road and stand before him at the 'pearly gates'.

So I guess it comes back to something I strongly believe in and that is that sorry is just a word unless you truly mean it and are willing to prove that in action, by not repeating the same thing you were sorry for in the first place.  And, if you are truly sorry that you will be willing to cop whatever comes of your doing wrong in the first place on the chin (within certain limits of course).

Actions speak louder than words!

If you do the crime, you do the time!

Set your standards high and reach above them!

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