Here we are, halfway through 2020, and what a bizarre six months it has been. When this year started, I never would have predicted the 'unprecedented' events that have occurred thus far.
What about you?
I can't say that it has completely gone in a different direction than I thought, Covid-19 the exception ofcourse. And on a personal level, I don't believe that its been my worst year ever, I can think of others where rock bottom was surpassed. On a global level however, there is no denying that the number of deaths from this worldwide pandemic is extremely sad.
With this in mind and since we are at month 7 of 12, I thought it would be a great time to take a quick inventory of my yearly goals and see if there needs to be a change of direction entirely, or just some simple adjustments so to adapt better.
How would I sum up, what has happened to me in 2020, so far?
Admitted to hospital for unexpected reason! Admitted to hospital for expected reason! Admitted to hospital unexpectedly! Admitted to hospital for expected reason!
Then lots of tests, and various trips back and forth to hospital!
What silver linings have I found in the midst of this years craziness?
I have had guilt free time off work/study to rest and recover. As well as, had lots of connection time with my family.
What I've learned about myself, others, and life in general this year?
Firstly, and I think everyone would agree, is that life, is un-freaking-predictable! I mean, I kinda knew it was, but after this year, I really know! Can you relate?
As for myself and others, I don't really know what to write for this one; maybe that I'm a cynic and "...believe people are motivated purely by self-interest rather than acting for honourable or unselfish reasons"(Goggle, 2020).
Oh gosh, thats not very positive hey! It is however, real!
More seriously, something I've learnt about myself (well more confirmed) is that doing nothing (aka resting, resting, resting) makes me feel lazy; worthless and lacking purpose. I know its only temporary, and its for the purpose of recovering, but contrary to what my mother would have you believe, I actually do not do 'doing nothing' very well.
What I'm most proud of myself for doing, being, learning or understanding this year?
Funnily enough considering what I wrote above, I think it would have to be surrendering and resting. Yes, to the point of actually becoming quite lazy, well I feel as though I am anyway!
In saying that, the house is still clean, kids have been getting fed each day, and bills and paperwork is up-to-date.
What word sums up your 2020 experience?
I think it would definitely have to be - RESILIENCE!
Although I despise it when people say "oh, you're sick AGAIN"!, I must admitt that sometimes it does indeed feel like its just one 'negative' thing after the other.
But as the quote says, I also have lots of blessings to count.
2020's Goals Revisited
*First and foremost my goal is to address ALL health issues.
-Heal and recover from mastectomy so to be ready physically and mentally for revision surgery.
-Address Gynocological issues.
-Get lapband fixed.
*After that, its to resume study, and then look at resuming work (once Covid-19 behind us). In regard to work I'm thinking that some changes are on the cards. What they are, or what they look like right now, I'm not sure.
*Given that we are getting the Covid-19 payment each fortnight, which is great considering I lost my income, I'd like to put some money aside! Saving enough to put into a term deposit would be awesome.
*Managing my pain better so that I can heavily reduce, or better still, eliminate my pain meds and detox my body. This is especially important so that the medication will be effective after the next operation/s.
To be honest with you, it would also help me get some productivity back in my life, and make study less of a challenge.
Lately my mind is far too consumed by the ever present thick fog which just lingers there to numb the sensory receptors of my brain so that I do not feel pain or anything else for that matter. Even the simple task of writing this blog has taken what feels to me an eternity to compose, as the words that form within the suffocated confines of my cranium get muddled as they move to my fingers or even to my lips to be expressed in a manner which makes sense to a those which are not in the same intoxicated state of mind as mine.
In addition, weariness encompasses every inch of my being, and I find myself lying idol for most of the hours which make the day. My body once so strong feels frail and fatigued.
The time in which it has taken just to write these words frustrates me to the point of wanting to throw this device across the room but I would then be alone with no outside stimulus of which this provides, and so instead I just sit here continuing to place babble upon the white space before me sighing loudly to release the heat rising within just like a fire breathing dragon. Oh the heat, yes that glorious internal combustion which for me, at this moment, just adds salt to the already festering wound.
But, I digress, so I pause, contemplating whether I have expressed all that I feel needs conveying, although if truth be told, I've since forgotten the point of my writing. Self expression I assume!
ANSWER: All projects have glitter! Plus, it will stay in the room for years despite vacuuming 100 times!
From midnight on Wednesday 8th July, metropolitan Melbourne, plus the Mitchell Shire went into stage 3 lockdown for at least the next six weeks. Meaning, that once again the only reasons that one can leave their house is for food, work, health and care giving. Students from prep to years 10 were given an extra week.of holidays, with their home schooling set to start again on Monday 13th.
Look, its no surprise really.
You know how I mentioned the Black Lives Matters (BLM) uproar in early June?!? Well, in support of that, thousands of people took to the streets to protest, and well, social distancing and masks were pretty much non-existent by the majority. Do I support BLM, Hell Yes! Do I agree with a protest during a pandemic? Fuck No! But, regardless of what I feel, here we are!
I don't believe that it's the only reason. I personally think things went back to normal (well the new 'normal' anyway) too soon; visiting, hugging, gyms/classes,.shopping just because, going to movies, out to dinner. People either became complacent or just don't give a fuck, its as simple as that.
Oh, and this is where I explain the kinda, sorta! Bacchus Marsh, where we live is classified as a regional suburb and so there is no lockdown for us.
To say I am not happy about this is somewhat of an understatement *DAMN IT*.
I mean, we border Melton which IS a lockdown suburb right!?!. Our children are expected to go to school as usual! Mind you, several of our teachers, and even students for that matter come from Melton...I mean c'mon, can you not see the stupidity in that!
My Mum who lives in Melton cannot come to visit me for even 30 minutes. But, others from the same suburb can hang with my kids at school all day - MAKES NO SENSE! Especially considering Mum works with the public and all precautions are taken, but at school they don't have to so social distancing, or wear masks hmmmm!
The boys were supposed to go back to school today. But, I refuse to send them, at least until cases start drastically reducing.
To further cement my decision, two covid-19 cases have been confirmed in Moorabool in as many days READ HERE!
I will need to message the school at some stage for work for the boys. Mindyou, at the end of last term I was advised that if I kept them home we would only receive minimal support. Ridiculous, especially considering both boys and myself are considered high risk because of asthma, and Mark is high risk due to diabetes!
Now I know it seems as though I am letting fear control me, but if that was the case we wouldn't leave the house at all. Admittedly the boys only go out for fresh air and exercise, Mark goes down the street for shopping, and I still go to my various medical appointments.
On a plus, us not being locked down means we may still be able to have our next family catch up, although it won't be the same without Mum.
Anyway, I am going to leave it here for now, no doubt I will have more to say about it at a later date.
I know I say it every year, but time really does go by so fast. It's like one minute you are counting down the hours till you hold your precious baby for the first time, the next that baby boy is 15!
When I first discovered I was pregnant, I was so worried that I wouldn't have enough love to give to another child.
Oh boy how silly that was, he makes me so proud that my heart over flows with love.
As per the 14 years before, streamers were hung, balloons blown and presents wrapped ready and waiting for the birthday boy. And wait we did, as Mr. 15 decided to have a sleep in.
Finally, he woke and we got to watch his joy and surprise when opening each of his gifts. I love that every year without fail he is so thankful for what he is given.
And even though we technically missed breakfast, we did indeed keep tradition and got Maccas for brunch (breakfast and lunch combined).
The rest of the day was spent at home and consisted of phone calls from grandparents, and visits from Glenn (sadly I forgot to get a pic), James, and Mapa.
During the cutting of the cake, Aunty Skeet and family video called, which was a special moment.
Whilst there was no party, or exciting outings, our 15 year old said that he had a wonderful day because he was with his family.
As per every year, my favourite photo of the day is the one of me with my baby boy; even if that baby is 15, and officially taller than me!
Happy 15th Birthday Jazz, you brighten up the world with your beautiful smile. I love you intergalactic amounts times by infinity.
I'm not a fan of the cold but, I do love snuggling under the blankets and getting warm and cosy.
Not only is today the first day of winter, it is also officially day 1 of my journey towards gaining my Naturopathic degree. I can't exactly say that I am ultra excited about it, but it is also not something I am dreading. Maybe it's because after three years of studying with the same group; my sanity sisters especially, I am now forging ahead alone. I am really going to miss them as I embark on this next phase, but I am so blessed to know that they will forever be a part of my life. Another part of my indifference could be the fact that I don't exactly feel ready to get back to the daily grind, and the stress of assessments. Nor am I excited about my subject of Medicinal Food Science. Oh well, hopefully throwing myself into study will stoke the fire again so the spark ignites.
Tuesday 2nd
Happy birthday to Uncle Geoff (Pa). I gave him a call today, he is safe and locked down in QLD. I really need to call more often, but to be honest I don't have a great deal to talk about. Nothing ultra exciting anyway, this blog is a testament of that!
I had a doctors appointment today via telehealth. It is so odd talking to the doctor over the phone and not face to face. I'm so glad that we have a good rapport as I think that makes things a little less awkward. Especially when you are calling to ask for more opiates; which were indeed prescribed via the script being faxed to the pharmacy.
Blackout Tuesday
Widespread protests erupted recently in unified action to open the worlds eyes to racial police brutality; in the hopes to eradicate white supremacy.
I stand in solidarity with the black lives matters movement but sadly agree with a quote I read saying "the fact that we need to clarify that anyone's lives matter, is concern enough". I mean its not the 1950s for frig sake, have we seriously gone backward as a civilization!?!
For those unwilling to stand in unison, and instead insist on using the argument that “all lives matter”, let me try to perauade you to be more open to change.
Let's take breast cancer awareness as an example.
Just because I am raising awareness for breast cancer, it doesn't mean I am saying that “ONLY breast cancer matters”.
If I was, I'd be saying my Mums bladder cancer was not important, my Dad's brain tumours didn't matter, and only my sisters diagnosis was valid enough for me to focus upon.
That is so wrong! What I am doing is simply shining the spotlight on that one particular area as a topic of focus; it is what needs attention right here and now.
Saying “black lives matter” isn’t saying that no other lives matters, ofcourse everyones lives matters! It is simply shining the spotlight on the truth, which is that black people are the overwhelming victims of racism and discrimination. And right now, they need you to open your eyes, so that a change can be made.
Anyway, thats my two cents worth. I will finish this topic with some lyrics from my song 'My Opinion'.
"If you cut me open I will bleed, just like everyone else does regardless of religion, colour, and creed. Yet this world we live in continues to divide, instead of just accepting with its arms open wide. Why can't we accept with our arms open wide". - Natasha Hurst
Wednesday 3rd
Working as a massage therapist means needing to keep my nails short, and as such I have 'long' nails envy. Not working however, means I can grow my nails.
It's been nice taking the time out to show some self love and give myself a manicure. I've also enjoyed painting my nails different colours.
Thursday 4th
I had a psychology appointment with Leah this afternoon via zoom. It's been good talking to her but I don't feel that I am as open as I have been in the past with Rowena; maybe its the meeting via computer screen thing. She has definitely helped to reduce the anxiety around the lumps in my breasts though. There was a time I was self checking constantly; yes even after the mastectomy. Talking it through led me to realise it was compulsive behaviour, which was curbed by setting boundaries e.g. only checking once a month.
Another thing, although not one that has an official diagnosis, is she believes I may be 'on the spectrum'. Nothing I had not already considered, but not something I feel needs to be officially labelled at the same time. I mean, everyone has their unique quirks, right!?! Besides, or will just be another thing for my Mum to give me shit about, she doesn't believe in Autism; apparently I just 'baby' my son. And there is the topic we should really address in therapy but alas, old dogs won't change, and at the end of the day, I just have to learn not let her get to me and hurt me. I wish I could ignore her venomous comments like Marketta does. Anyway enough of that, I digress...where was I?
The biggest thing I've gotten from our sessions is the 'naming it to tame it' line, which I am getting better at doing. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect.
My next appointment is not until mid July. I've got a few manuals on Health Anxiety to complete before the appointment, which will work through different cognitive behavioural questions.
Saturday 6th
We had a lovely visit with Jess and Andy today, it felt nice catching up with friends albeit ensuring social distance was maintained. I tell ya what though, once hugs are allowed again I'm going to be giving big squeezes.
Tuesday 9th
Today is the first day back at school after the Covid-19 homeschooling stint; which definitely falls into the some weeks were better than others basket. I can't say it was easy, as to be honest it was full on with the boys needing us to constantly sit with them. There were moments however, that I found it to be very rewarding. I can definitely see how home schooling could be a beneficial option, our boys however are such socialites and thrive on the mateship.
Pic 1 - Smiles at the thought of catching up with mates.
Pic 2 - How they feel about going back to school.
I'm hearing them! Kinda wishing I rolled with the option of keeping them home until term 3. But, I think that I would have mostly been appeasing my own paranoia, and I figured that was just prolonging the inevitable as its only 3 weeks until school holidays anyway (13 school days in total).
On a positive, I really haven't had much 'me time' to focus on recovery, so hopefully not sitting at the school table all day will mean my oedema will be better and I'll find my ankles again.
And while the boys were at school, this mumma did indeed rest!
While the furbabies sat and waited for their hooman bruvas to return....too cute!
Thursday 11th
Today Mark and I went to the local 'hippy' shop, where I purchased some Palo Santo, and mentally spent a fortune on crystals...oh how I wish I could just splurge!
A visit...
I also visited a beautiful friend (Renee) who was recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It was so good to see her; her beautiful smile and positivity was truly inspiring, as was the unity of her amazing family.
If you are on facebook, Renee has started a page to document the journey HERE.
I won't share too much as I do not feel it is my place, however I will say that Renee also lost her Dad to cancer a few years back, and often when I read her posts in relation to him, I feel as though she is speaking my words.
Sometimes life just does not seem fair!
Getting productive...
Once home I decided to get productive and fix the back screened door; replace flywire with holes and remove the cat door.
And since it was such a beautiful day, I put Mark to work doing the lawns.
It felt so good to be getting stuff done, especially to no longer have a jungle in the front yard.
Behind the wheel...
Then, that afternoon I drove for the first time since Febs op!
Although it was more of a have to than want to, as Mark was waiting on a call from the urologist, it feels good knowing I can jump behind the wheel again whenever I feel like it.
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little painful, but nothing I couldn't deal with.
Friday 12th
The boys had a curriculum day (yup short 3 day week) so Ace and his mate Zac put their time to good use and set the shed up as a bike workshop / hang out zone.
At the moment they are sharing the space with all the garage sale boxes, that I moved from over there to here (not a smart move on my part).
It is my plan to take pics and do another online sale, plus have a proper garage sale once allowed, so hopefully soon it will all be sold.
Despite sharing the room, they are pretty happy with the space and have set up electricals and heating.
They did ask if they could sleep out there, but I told them that there will be plenty on time for that when they are in the doghouse. To which the response was "huh".
Saturday 13th
You know the saying right? What goes up, must come crashing down and landing in a huge heap of crappola!
In other words, todays not as good as the other couple of days!
It happens! And admittedly it may be partly due to the fact I am yet to find that sweet spot between not doing much, and doing way too much, hmmm!
Needless to say that if you are looking for me today, I shall be in found in bed with legs up, spaced out on some good meds that will hopefully see me manage to get some shut eye.
It is what it is! This too shall pass! Just sharing to keep it real!
Sunday 14th
Pretty much says it all really!
Wednesday 17th
Today is 12 weeks post op #3!
I spoke with my breast surgeon (Dr Anita Skandarajah) today and even though I have days where I struggle to get out of bed due to fatigue, pain and/or a mixture of both, I was assured that given the trauma my body has been through, made more complicated by three infections, I was indeed doing awesomely!
Oh, I asked about what went wrong with the LHS. She said that as well as the breast tissue being denser than they thought, and the lump growing in size since last MRI, my skin was ultra fragile.
Grafting on right thigh!
Left Foob!
Right Foob!
Thighs (Top = Left, Bottom = Right).
I am now able to start working on regaining upper body strength (yup starting with a whole half kilo - go me)!
First time skipping in yonks - this was not a great idea as I hurt like f#@^ afterwards. BUT it feels good knowing I can!
One of the biggest things I was reminded of by my team today, and something I definitely needed to hear is that everybodys journey is their own, each as unique as the person experiencing it. There is no one size fits all timeline for healing!
So even though I still have a long way to go, regardless of what each day presents, I will remind myself that it is what it is, and I've got this!
Something I haven't spoken of is how 'old' I am feeling. I mean, most days it literally feels like the life force has been sucked out of me. Admittedly, mentally the grey hair is not helping.
Regardless of this feeling however, I am so blessed to be given the privilege of seeing the beginning and end of each new day.
Thursday 18th
Soooo, this happened today!
Bye bye 'grey' with blue tinge!
Hello 'chocolate brown'!
It could just be the fact that the 'mop top' is tamed, but I think it helps make me look a little more lively.
I had a lovely visit from Neen this afternoon who gifted me with these gorgeous flowers. It was so good to catch up. Our friendship isn't what it once was, which if I'm honest, at times I miss. However, I think where we are now is a healthier place for us both.
Friday 19th
Happy Birthday to my baby boy Jazz - 15 years goes by in a flash!
Be sure to see the birthday blog (which if not up yet will be done really soon)!
Sunday 21st
Today we had a family catch up day at Skeetz place in Torquay.
It was so good to just hang out together, and celebrate Jazz's birthday with them.
After lunch we went for a 2.5km walk. I love looking at peoples gardens; my favourite was one that was full of Australian Natives.
Along the way the kids got to play in the park.
Sadly, the day came to an end. But, not before breaking the social distance rule for a quick family selfie.
Mum looks funny because she moved in the previous picture and it was blurry, so she's being a statue in this one LOL.
As much as I'm okay with Iso life, I do miss giving my family big squeezer cuggles.
We catch up again in six weeks time, maybe we xan do cuddles then.
Monday 22nd
Well, I'm a uni dropout!
Okay, so its only for the online subject I was enrolled in, and I do plan to re-enrol again for Semester Two subjects in July. BUT, I am going to start with subjects that get me excited, rather than induce a feeling of fear and dread!
Sunday 28th
They say that a change is as good as a holiday! And, since we are not going away anywhere for the school break, we changed the boys bedrooms around instead.
They look great, but I may possibly be absolutely buggered, and aching in muscles I forgot I had LOL, and the boys esp. Mark did all the heavy lifting, and moving from here to there and back again hehehe - go figure!
I have to say, having to rely on someone else is bloody frustrating, but I learnt my lesson after the shed.
Jazzs room
To be completely real with you, I had only planned on doing Jazzs room. Which, in comparison to Aces was quick and easy.
Aces room
When Ace saw that I'd done his brothers room, ofcourse he wanted his done. I was begrudged doing it, as I knew it would be no easy task; Ace likes to collect treasures, and has no rhyme nor reason to things. Jazz on the other hand is as ocd as myself *cue the odd couple theme song*. Given the fact that Ace had recently moved things around into a way that I did not quite like however, it was a good incentive to agree to take on the task.
Tuesday 30th
And here we go again FFS!
The past couple of days I've woken with a feeling of having razor blades in my throat, and have also been waking in the night due to coughing. Additionally, I've needed to use my ventolin way more than I like so off to the docs I went. Well, off to the clinic car park anyway, where Dr Apri came out and did her observations, and a covid-19 test with me sitting in the car.
I didn't find the test to be tha tg bad. Remembering though, that I used to have regular throat swabs because of the streph throat and severe tonsilitis. And, due to my nose operation, I've experienced swabs up the nostril; definitely not my favourite thing though, makes me want to sneeze.
The doc said the test is more a precautionary measure, just to be on the safe side, as she is leaning more towards pneumonia. We will know one way or the other in approx 3 days time. In the meantime, its lots of rest, prednisolone and no visitors allowed!
Even though I'm sure the result will be negative, its still quite a nerve wracking experience.
I've been retracing my steps of the past 14 days; Woodgrove and The Village for Jazz's birthday gifts. Skeetz place - oh god my heart sinks at the possibility of passing it onto them. As I mentioned earlier, even though we did not give each other a kiss or cuddle (something which is hard to do but a must to ensure safety), we broke the social distancing rule briefly for our family photo.
Then my mind goes to whose been to visit in the past 14 days; Mum, Glenn, Neen, James, Zac...
Fark! Anyway, no use going crazy over it, it will be what it will be, and we shall deal with whatever is when the time comes.
Oh remember those beautiful long nails of mine? They are no more!
Not the best of pain jobs, but I've gotta say they feel nice being short again.
Okay so not to leave you hanging...
Thursday July 2nd
Great news, the Covid-19 test results were NEGATIVE!
On the not so great side, I'm still coughing up my lungs and struggling to breathe, despite preventers and regular ventolin.
Hopefully the course of 'meds' and natural supps will knock it on its head!
Still much to be thankful for, and blessings are being counted!
