Hello February 2020

If you follow me on facey or insta, you would know that on Saturday 1st after sitting and thinking about this and that, I wrote the following...

"We haven't had the smoothest of starts to the year with January certainly throwing some challenging curve balls from start to end BUT as the saying goes 'it could be worse', right!?!". 

Now, despite the fact that yes we did all manage to just roll with everything that the past month thew at us (which is indeed pretty darn awesome), it did not mean that I was hoping for more of the same in February!

This year was supposed to be all about my boob operation...that is/needs to be where my focus goes, not here there and every bloody where else (my family the exception obviously). 

Ain't that the truth!

ANYWAY...As I write this post it is Saturday the 8th, so here is a little bit of catch up!

Plumbing up the s%@&! 

Whilst the real estate did in fact respond to my SOS call, and indeed sent a plumber out to us first thing the next morning (aka the 1st), he only applied a band aid (seems to the theme of our year). So, as he was unable to complete the job until approval and other red tape, for the past week we have had no cold water to the main house, and also no inside toilet!

Now don't get me wrong, we are so ultra lucky that we have a shower and a toilet in the bungalow out the back BUT...when you have had Gastro/IBS symptoms full on for the past week, having to run that little bit further (sometimes in the rain and the dark) really is not helpful. Again, could be worse hey...I mean we are truly blessed that we have plumbing at all!

Missing the fun!

I missed out on going to the local car show with my family on Sunday 2nd as I wasn't well, instead I stayed home alone yet again! Yes, I am feeling sad and sorry for myself because even though many would think that alone time without the hubby and kids is the best thing ever, I actually like making memories with my family. Don't get me wrong, alone time is also great but this is about the bigger picture and in this case, its missing the fun!

On a positive though, I was ultra thankful that Damo and Jess (Glenn's neighbour's) caught up with them at the show. What was even more special, is that afterwards they took the boys to Masons Lane and kicked the footy around, which the boys loved!

Progress...Milestone! 

Mia was able stay overnight with us for the very first time on Saturday 1st, which was a very special first milestone. And if I am completely honest, it also makes life a little less hectic as it means we don't have to try and jam pack so much into the day within the time frame that also includes two hours of driving to pick her up, bring her here, drive her home and then drive back home. 

Oh, and just for the record, whilst I may be progressive in some things, I can assure you that Ace and Mia were indeed in separate bedrooms!

Work...What work?!?

Since I haven't been booked in for my boob op yet (I will talk about that more later) I had planned to go back to work this week. BUT, given the relapse, I once again needed to cancel. 

This sucks for a couple of reasons a) as I am sure I have mentioned before, I really dislike letting people down, and b) I was looking forward to earning some money to help us get back on track.

On a positive, it has meant that I have been available for the boys after school, able to catch up on this blog, and um...been able to stay on top of telling Mark what to do around the house? Hmmm, ok so maybe, just maybe, that is not a positive for him LOL!

Top Half!

Firstly, in a previous post I mentioned that the operation to have my boobs removed and then reconstructed would be in February; but IF there is emergency cancer patients then I would be pushed back. As it turns out, that IF indeed happened and I have been told that it will now more than likely be done in March. Again provided that there is no emergency cases.  No denying that it sucks, but to be completely real with ya, if it means that a life has possibly been saved by bumping me, I am totally okay with that.

I had an appointment scheduled with my risk management team and breast surgeons at .RMH on Tuesday 4th, but they called and said there was.no point attending until I had updated diagnostics done first.  Also, given that I am in the process of waiting to have them removed and haven't changed my mind about anything, there really isn't much need for the appointment.  Anyway, I was advised that someone would call and book me in for some more tests soon. As yet, no phone call!

I will just keep waiting patiently, and in the meantime hope like heck that whatever is going on with my gut sorts itself out, OR I get some answers so that the problem can be fixed! I really don't want to be needing to run to the loo during recovery!

Bottom Half!

In addition to waiting on my appointment for the top half, I am also still waiting on an appointment for the bottom half.  This one I think is frustrating me more than any of them because it was the specialist who told me I NEEDED to come back in JANUARY.  I mean, why say it and then not make it happen.

On top of that, since my last appointment in October a few changes have happened and I really want them addressed ASAP.

Things like the fact that the mirena was a flop and therefore didn't solve the initial problem it was used for.  In fact that problem has become worse than it originally was and so I want to get the hysterectomy paperwork sorted so that ball can start rolling (also another time bomb risk reducing measure).

I did briefly talk to my breast care nurse about the possibility of having both done at the same time, BUT she said given the complexity of the op already, it is best to do them separately. 

Another reason, is because I (and my GP) believe the cause of my pain and my bowel related issues is due to Bowel Endometriosis (BE).

Even though I am going in to have a gastroscopy and colonoscopy done this coming Monday the 10th February, BE is a condition that apparently can't be detected via those measures.  But, as we want to rule everything out, it is a necessary step!  Mind you, I am more than open to being wrong if it means an answer sooner rather than later.

Wanna know a positive?  My initial gastro/colonoscopy appointment was on the 10th of March but due to the recent relapse, even though they usually prefer things to settle down, they bumped me up.  Yay!  I'm not at all looking forward to drinking the goop stuff though, or the evacuation process.  I think I may set my bed up in the bungalow instead of trying to run from inside to out!

Generally!

I went to see my GP on Tuesday and was told that there wasn't really any more that could be done other than continuing to address the symptoms until the tests are done *SIGH*.

On a plus though, I am lucky to have a GP that works in an integrative way and embraces natural methods such as; just allowing things to run their course rather than suppressing them.  Mind you, I really would of liked to be able to take a magic pill to stop the poop...I would of even been happy to drink the cornflour water, but alas letting it just flow is/was (finally got a reprieve) best, this I know!

I am also blessed that she is open to me taking supplements as considering the amount of prescription drugs going through my system at the moment, plus the fact that our nutrition has not been as 'on point' as it normally is during the school term (yes, I admit it, I get lazy on the holidays) they will be ultra beneficial in providing gut support.  A huge thank you to the lovely Sonja for setting me up with these beauties.

Done biting my tongue!

The boys are with us again this weekend, which truly is our gain and their fathers loss!

What shits me most about it though, is that if the kids had of done something terrible to warrant it, or if I was a terrible person to deal with and made co-parenting a living nightmare, then it would be understandable.  BUT, to not make ANY contact with your kids because you have chosen to be with a woman who HIT your son, who DISRESPECTED your sons boundaries and who was quite happy to just HIDE away in the dark while you were passed out cold for over an hour...makes no sense to me what so ever!

Seriously, when you have already lost one child and will never ever again get an opportunity to make things right with them, wouldn't you make more of an effort this time around!?!

Honestly, if he doesn't pull his head out of his arse soon and reach out to his kids, it will again be too late!

I am done making excuses for him, done being a sucker!

Conclusion...

And I think that pretty much brings us up to date with things huh?  Not ultra exciting but it is what it is!

Jazz stayed home with us last night whilst Ace, Zac and Louis went to empire, then came back here to stay the night.  This morning (well more like early afternoon) the four of them went off exploring, and now its just the four of us home.

Ace is cleaning his room (he's a good egg really) , Jazz is on his xbox (surprise surprise), Mark is hanging washing on the line and I am typing this whilst waiting on my Choc Banana Bread to cook.

Tonight I really want to get the floors vac'd and mopped and our weekly/fortnightly food menu sorted so that I can do some online shopping (or do I go to Aldi tomorrow because I know its cheaper, but then that means I have to go out in public and deal with people and well...oh its a hard decision). 

No wait...Uni Limbo!

I just remembered that I forgot to talk about feeling like I'm in limbo.  I know I have said that in the past and my sister said something that helped, but of course I've had a senior moment and i can't remember what it was.

I've told you that I finished my first degree (Bachelor of Complementary Medicine), with a grade point average of 6.5 thank you very much (between a Distinction and a High Distinctiond if you were wondering what it meant).  But, did I mention that the graduation ceremony is going to be in May 2020?

As for the next degree, which is approximately 40% complete, I am yet to re-enrol as I don't want to drop out mid subject because of the op!  The other thing is that I don't know if I will really be up to studying straight after the op and whether it will be wise to write essays when high on morphine (could prove interesting LOL).  Also, I will be needing to do quite a few subjects on campus for this next degree, so again I need to be 100% on my feet.  The plan was initially to go on campus during the summer/daylight savings months and do online subjects for the others, but as the saying goes "even the best laid plans, come unstuck".

Take two...

Okay, I think that's it now.

This is me sending LLP out into the universe!

xo Me :)

True That - AMEN!

Read more "Hello February 2020"

September 2019

September seems like a blur to me and so there isn't a great deal to fill you in on, but let's take a stroll down 'recap' lane together just for the heck of it!

Sunday September 1st

Today was Fathers Day! 

Here's a poem I wrote to 'mark' the occasion!

Today is the day we take time to say

To all the Fathers and Father Figures in our lives, 

Happy Fathers Day!

Perhaps not by blood, maybe not even male,

But in some shape or another

Your hero status doust prevail

Today is the one, set aside just for you.

A day to be told how much we appreciate All the 'Dad' things you do

You help make us whole, complete in some way

And we hope you know your worth

Not just on this day

But each day of the week, month and year

You are always special

And we hold your love dear.

So, as you know (well assuming you are an avid follower that is) my Dad is no longer physically with me.  Anyway, considering that the whole country celebrates their Dad on this one particular day, one would think that I would feel an extreme sense of loss not being able to do the same, right?  And yet, I don't!  That I fear sounds to be quite harsh, which is certainly not my intention.  Let me try to explain.  Of course I wish that he was here, that is a given for me every single day of my life, but Fathers Day celebrations just don't weigh as heavily upon me in the same way that days like the anniversary of his passing and my birthday do.  Perhaps its because I don't really believe we need a 'special' day to honour someone who deserves to be treated with love and respect on a daily basis!  Anyway, I'm not really going anywhere with this, maybe I wrote about it as a way to try and understand it, because it really does leave me feeling a little perplexed!  Lets just move on...

The focus of our day was on my sweet man Mark, and also upon the boys Dad Glenn.  As we have done in the past, our day was spent together (well a couple of hours of it anyway) as one big blended family.  Nothing overly exciting or elaborate just simply time at home enjoying each other company. 

Tuesday September 3rd

With two assessments due on the same day, and the due date fast approaching I finally stopped procrastinating and made a start.

Saturday September 7th

We celebrated the 50th birthday of one of our treasured friends!

I have to admit that on numerous occasions throughout the week I had contemplated messaging our apologies, opting instead to stay home and study. But, not wanting to let her down, I juggled life like a crazy clown on speed and managed to complete one of my assessments.  Whoo hoo!  Mind you, this was achieved 30 minutes before the event start time.  Cue mad dash to try and look somewhat presentable and off we went.

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, after several random shots of gut burning goodness, and after releasing my best 80's footloose dance moves, my darling husband helped me staggle (hobble and stagger at the same time...note to self - ankles are still healing!) through the door.

Gotta say, as much as I could have been home working on the next assessment, I really needed that time to just have some "fun".

Tuesday September 10th, 2019

Today, despite the need to study lurking like a dark cloud over my head, I caught up with a dear friend who I haven't seen in years.  Her Dad and my Dad were in a band together called "Jedda Country", way back in the late 1970's...more than that they were mates, brothers!  

We spent a good chunk of the day reminiscing (yes there were tears but also lots of laughter), and sharing our life stories (so much in common its quite daunting).  Then, this afternoon Mum popped over and was blown away by seeing us together.  She also shared with us a few stories, which was really special.  And we called Desi's Mum, Aunty Robyn and chatted with her too.  Something that I found so touching, was that on the day which turned out to be Uncle Dennis' last day, he had gone into Peter Macs hospital and spent the day with my Dad.  Ten years later, on what turned out to be my Dads last day, his family decided to randomly visit my Dad.  So, in essence, they each spent their last days together!  Goosebumps kinda stuff huh!

It is so mind blowing to think that we are now both 10(+) years older than our Dads were when they left this earth, and yet they both live on in our love for them and the gift of music they gave us. 

I am so blessed to have shared this moment and look forward to making more memories together really soon..well, once uni settles down anyway!  We've got lots of stories to tell through our music...and plan to write together, so today was just the beginning.

Wednesday September 11th 2019 and beyond...

Study day!  I will be completely real with ya here, if it wasn't for the fact that I knew I had today free to do study, I would have yet again rescheduled yesterday...so glad I didn't!  Mind you, today's study didn't go so well.  In fact, neither did the next 3 days to follow and come Saturday night, despite playing my guitar as hard as I could and belting out tunes until my voice broke, I ugly cried myself to sleep.  It was obviously the release I needed because on Sunday morning I got up and the haze had lifted.  The anxiety however, not so much, and with the pressure of juggling work and a follow up hospital appointment, it only heightened as the week progressed.  Ironically enough, the assessment topic was/is about the impact of meditation on the symptoms of anxiety!  Long story short, I managed to get it written and finished before due date on Sunday 22nd September, however, it is certainly not to the quality I expect from myself and I am sure that my grade will also reflect that.  But, considering that for a good week I had a mental blank, and honestly thought I was not going to be submitting anything at all, thus failing miserably and throwing $2000 in the trash (the approx cost of a single subject), I was beyond caring.  Sort of, more like resolved myself to the fact that there was nothing else I could do in the remaining time frame.

Friday September 27th 2019

Today Aces girlfriend of one month, Mia (they became official on the 24th of August) came and spent the day with us.  Yes, you read that right, my baby boy has a first proper love.  You wanna know something totally mind blowing?  Just like my first ever boyfriend (Travis from age 13 to 18), she also lives in Deer Park.  Karma perhaps?  Anyway, shes a lovely thing (albeit a total tripper) and he is happy and respectful of both her and our boundaries (for now anyways, he is a teenager after all...so there is bound to be some rebelling occur).  I also got to chat with and meet her Mum which was good as we appear to be on the same page.  The past month hasn't been all smooth sailing for them though, and my boy has faced losing a friendship and the crap that comes with people lashing out when feeling hurt. 

Have to say it was all a little hard for me as an adult to navigate let alone have to watch, and try to support him through it.  Let me try to explain it all...

So, it started out as a 'crush' between Ace and one of Mia's friends.  Anyways Ace and his mate started attending Empire (a church youth group in Sunshine on Friday night; he catches the youth group bus from Melton and back...lets just say there's been lots of pushing me outside of my comfort zone)...oh and yes, you read it right, my boy, attending church of his own freewill...amazing what teenage hormones achieves!  So, the four of them became thick as thieves chatting on Instagram messenger every night for hours on end.  Anyway, Ace and his crush decided to remain friends, and it turned out that Mia, much to the disappointment of Aces mate who was interested in her, had a crush on Ace.  Long story short, Ace told me he liked Mia too, and so I gave my blessing (better that, than them going behind my back).  So it became official and Ace ended up enduring weeks on end of bullying from said mate and others who joined in just for the heck of it - unrequited love certainly makes people act in a strange way!  By the last day of term I had reached the point of being beyond concerned for Aces mental health, as despite the boys trying to sort it out alone there was no change.  So...I called the Mum to see what we as adults could figure out together to try and resolve the issue.  Lets just say, that it was very obvious from the call why her son acts the way he does.  Mind you, I shouldn't have really been surprised.  The bullying did settle down though which is a blessing, mind you, I'm guessing that's only because of me stating that if it didn't I would speak to the police.  A drastic measure, yes, but one that I would have surely taken to ensure my child's mental health did not decline further...have you seen the suicide rates due to teenage bullying?  

Monday September 30th 2019

Today, Mark finally got to see the urologist.  

Mind you, as much as the wheels have been set in motion to get him fixed up, no relief was provided on the spot...frustrating to say the least!

Mark was born with a congenital condition called a urethral stricture...he has had 18 operations to try and fix it but sadly they are only short term solutions.  

Anyway, he currently has over a litre of urine trapped in his bladder, which turns acidic and triggers a UTI, which triggers prostatitis.  Antibiotics and opiods take the edge off but they are just a bandaid. So, now its just a waiting game.  First step will be cystoscopy...but when?

Read more "September 2019"

Week 3 of Feb 2019

Okay so here it is, week 3 of February in the life of me...

Monday 18th 

I woke up and thought..."I need to call the breast care nurse this week to find out what's going on with my appointment". On my first work break I checked my phone and wouldn't ya know it, I'd missed a call from the hospital. So, I called back and discovered that they had me in their system TWICE; my name now and my old married name from like 20 years ago.  Basically they were calling to see if I was indeed the same person, which I am!  I can't remember way back then why I was even at the Royal Womans hmmm possibly the PCOS/T2DM/CFS! Anywho, I asked about my surgical appointment explaining the shamozzle of it all and they apologised saying they had lost my initial referral in their system (I'm thinking maybe because of the reason they rang in the first place), but I would get an appointment letter in the mail within a month. First tick off my to-do-list for the week!

I finished work at 7pm and then pretty much went straight to bed, aka no proper 'exercise' for the day.

Tuesday morning - the 19th

I had a lazy start to the day with a big sleep in.  This meant I didn't get to see the boys off, which I don't like doing as I like being able to wave them goodbye.  They did come in and give me a kiss though, something I am ultra thankful for.  

I also missed going to my husbands medical appointment which I am not happy with myself, or him about (he felt I needed the rest more which is why he didn't wake me up - sweet yes but also ggrrr).  This meant that everything that needed to be addressed wasn't, which meant another appointment for him on Friday AND also another on Saturday as we ran out of time in the first one!  Lessons learnt for next time: A)  Make sure I wake up OR B)  Write a note of things for him to address, actually I should just do B anyway!

The rest of our Tuesday was spent in the kitchen whipping up all of this...

Chocolate Cashew Cups - Raspberry Muffins - Cheesy Broccoli Muffins - Apricot & Almond Balls - Zucchini Breakfast Muffins - Lemon & Coconut Bliss Balls - Raw Peanut Butter Bars - Banana and Pear Muffins - Iced Cinnamon Scrolls - Passionfruit Muffins - Choc Cherry Slice - Blueberry Chia Muffins - Mini Chia and Orange Muffins - Kids Naughty Muffins (not a THM recipe) - Bacon, Corn and Cheese Loaf and Hidden Veg Bolognaise, Stewed Cinnamon Apples & Deviled Sausages.

Also made a couple of others not shown...Mince and Bean Taco mix, Minestrone Soup and Frozen Yoghurt Berry & Macadamia Bars.

Why so much? 

Mostly because with working part time and study soon to start I wanted to eliminate the excuse of not having time to put together a healthy snack/lunch, and also because I kind of found myself enjoying making things from scratch that my family and the kids friends were enjoying...shock horror! 

There has been a downfall though (although one could look at it as an upside), and that is the fact that all this cooking has made me completely lose my appetite, I am so over the sight and smell of food...funny how that works hey! I have been trying to stay on track though and get in as much as my body will allow, which is certainly no where near the 6 meals and 1600 calories I'm supposed to consume.

Oh, I had a question asked about how much it costs me for the weekly meals. Its a bit tricky to work out as I discovered when doing my big pantry overhaul that I had quite a bit of the staples on hand (herbs, spices, flour, nuts, cans, you get the drift...Aldi is amazing for all of those things). But, on average I'd say around $250 per week for the 4 of us, for all our meals on plan plus the kids 'not so healthy' stuff, oh and extra household tidbits.  I'd like to reduce that down more though as it is over budget, it doesn't help that I've been using Coles Online - as convenient as it is, Aldi is way more affordable.  I just don't like actually going out of the house and shopping...who has time for that!

Exercise wise, other than dancing around like crazy people in the kitchen most of the day, I again didn't do a proper scheduled workout.

Wednesday 20th 

Another big work day and I again finished at 7pm, which meant...you guessed it, no exercise!

Oooh I got my hospital letter in the mail and am booked to see the breast surgeon on the 13th of May.  Whilst we were kinda hoping for sooner, it works out that the date actually aligns with my surgical date calculations...well we are hoping anyway!

Thursday 21st 

Quiet work day which allowed me to get back into the kitchen to prep a few other meals. 

That night I again rode my bike to and from aqua aerobics (or water dancing as it has fondly been named).  Not sure I will be doing that too many more times though, as it was dark on the way home and that made me feel a little uneasy; must add 'get bike light' to our wishlists.  Aqua was good, although I did struggle to push as hard as I feel I could have.

Another ooohhh is that before heading back into my 3rd and final year of the Bachelor of Complementary Medicine degree in March, I decided to take on a little side course in Mental First Aid.  My manual arrived today and I am super keen to get started and work towards accreditation.  Mental Health issues affect so many people in different ways and I am passionate about being able to build upon and learn new skills that will help to make a difference in peoples lives.

Oh, I have to share something we found hilarious tonight.  So I'd already prepped and started cooking our dinner, following the recipe for 4 people, but we ended up with an extra mouth (I should of known better as we usually have an extra), so I just divided it figuring that we also had dessert so it would be ok.  

The boys reaction when they came to the table and saw it was hilarious, with them enquiring as to whether this was just a "snack".  To add to that, during our prayer time, Mark also gave thanks for the "snack".  For me personally, it was more than enough and I was full after the 3rd mouthful LOL.

TGI Friday 22nd.  

I had a quiet work day finishing off with Mum, who then shouted us out to lunch at Stoneys.  I went completely off plan and had Beef Lasagna, salad and chips, which was DELICIOUS and it all stayed down WINNING!   

From there we went to the doctors for my darling husband who on top of his diabetes giving him grief, had another bout of prostatitis and a toothache, and so desperately needed some antibiotics and pain relief.

That evening we dropped the boys off at their Dads, popped in quickly to visit Mum to pick up the vape she had for us and then it was home.

Friday night we had a visit from the gorgeous Bec which is always awesome.

And the rest of the night I backed up my photos from my phone to the computer.  I had like 6000 photos on my phone which for me is like a WOW moment.  I'm usually one of those who clears her phone every week.  Admittedly, it was only my photos I hadn't done in a while.  My emails and text messages get cleared or filed daily.

Saturday 23rd 

After the docs it was a kidfree cruisy day with Mark pottering in the shed and me moving photos from computer to hard drive. 

Around 1.30am we decided to have a little nip of 'fake' baileys before heading off to bed.  

Not long after Mark said that he felt like he needed to be sick so got up to head inside to the loo (we were ofcourse sitting outside on the back patio).  He made it into the back door and that was it, he went down.  Somehow I managed to half catch him, thus preventing him from hitting his head on the concrete.  Talk about being shit scared, but somehow I kept it together...check for a pulse, get him into a more comfortable position and call the ambulance - all whilst calming talking to him, trying to bring him too.  As I was doing this, my CPR training kept running through my head.  Have I mentioned how scared I was? I seriously thought I had lost him.  As I said, he came too and so I got the lady on the phone to keep talking to him while I ran inside to open the front door for the ambulance...I was so scared to leave him incase he passed out again.  By the time the ambulance arrived he was more alert and able to sit up on a chair.  They did all their tests and turns out it was a diabetic hypo (low sugar), as well as a reaction between the small amount of grog with the medication.  He had something to eat/drink and was back to his cheeky self again just like that.  We went to bed and he slept like a log, with me staying awake to check he was still breathing every 5 minutes.  

I have told him that if he EVER does that to me again, when he comes too I will knock him out myself.  Frecking heck maybe the ambos should of checked my vitals!

Sunday 24th 

I was still in shock and the tiredness had hit like a tonne of bricks.  But we pushed through and picked up the shopping and got ready for the week ahead.  The boys got home at 3.30pm.

Ace came home with oil burns on his hand/arm from the deep fryer, why he was allowed to use it unsupervised is beyond me.  Aloe Vera to the rescue!

And thats that, week 3 of Feb in the life of me and mine, done and dusted!

Read more "Week 3 of Feb 2019"

A rant to start Feb....

Hello February 2019

So lets see...

The end of January saw the kids back and school, me back at work & Mark back into being an awesome SAHD/H and running around madly after us all.

Friday 1st February

We had a lovely visit from the gorgeous Bec, but other than that we did zip!

We were invited to a local church games night which sounded like heaps of fun, but we were all a little pooped!

Oh...I also tried unsuccessfully numerous (like 50 or so) times to contact the boys father to confirm arrangements for dropping them off the next day.

I also wasn't paid my Child support and wanted to find out what was going on! Um, I don't like what if's, BUT what if it was an emergency to do with the kids (it wasn't praise God), FFS answer the freaking phone! In the end I gave up!

Saturday 2nd February

The day started with a phone call from the afore mentioned person, advising that he had 'Gastro' and was unable to have the boys as previously planned the week before, and that I wouldn't be getting child support this week as he had no money (mind you he only said that because I asked about it DESPITE asking several times for him to let me know if its not going to be paid so I can stop direct debits and amend the budget). You could say, I was a little (okay ALOT) pissed off!

So...we had a wedding to attend that day and given it was over the other side of the city, we booked a room for the night (good old credit card to the rescue, as I had used the money I had on hand, to buy Ace two new jackets for school plus some food shopping, thinking that I was getting a payment this week anyway GRRR selfish people really give me the shits!).

Anyway, when I first asked him to take them a few weeks back, he had said No as it was his birthday weekend. So, I arranged for Mum to have them and she arranged her schedule to do so. As the boys were more keen on going to their Dads instead (it was going to be hot and he has aircon and would possibly take them to the wier), when he dropped them off last fortnight I asked him again and he agreed (the boys were there also probs why he said yes)...providing it wasn't Friday as he was planning a big night for his birthday! I assured him it would be from 12pm Saturday to 12pm Sunday and to sweeten the deal, I said that we would have them on the Friday of his weekend and drop them Saturday instead...mind you, he owes us a day from dropping them back early a few weeks prior. Not like it phases us really as we prefer them being home with us.

Long story short, Mum once again changed her schedule and so the boys spent the night at Mapas house, where they went to the trots for the first time ever! Considering I basically grew up at the trotting track because of having race horses, I can't believe I haven't shared this part of my life with them before.

It took me a while to calm down, but I reminded myself that it was an affirmation of the fact I made the right decision in leaving AND that being angry about it doesn't solve anything and only robs me of more joy! Inhale the good shit...exhale the bullshit!

Stay tuned for Part 2 of Feb 2nd!

Read more "A rant to start Feb...."

November 2018

2nd - It was my beautiful Mummas birthday on Friday. It is my birthday wish for her that we get to celebrate many more, because as much as she can be a massive pain in my rear end (and I'm 110% sure she would say the same about me), I would be lost without her. Although we talk or text everyday, it is so easy to get caught up in our own world, but I hope I show her enough how important she is to me. A little bit of love goes a long long way and my love for her reaches beyond the moon.

7th - So the last MRI required me going back in today to have a MRI guided core biospy.  My final test of the day was a mammogram to check that the marker clips were in the right place. Just before the radiographer opened the MRI images she said to me "Oh, dont freak out with the pics, they look a bit like rabbit ears", I was like "ummm, okay". So, she opens the image and I couldn't help but LOL as sure enough she was right...flopsy and mopsy right there on the screen. Still makes me giggle. Back on the 20th to see the oncologist. Little sore and tired tonight but all in all feeling okay.

11th - We all stopped in silence for 1 minute at 11.00am today.  Lest we forget!

18th - Friday night and Saturday was spent doing our Christmas (& January birthdays) shopping which I am happy to say we are about 90% done. Then last night we caught up with Glenn and the boys and went down to the Strawberries & Cherries festival fireworks. Whilst the boys were off being hoons on the dodgems, Mark and I got our crazy dance on. Fireworks started mid-ride which added to the fun, and we even got to catch the tail end with our boys which was pretty spesh!

20th - Today I am heading in to the oncologist to get results of the biospy. Despite my mostly positive demeanor sometimes doubt creeps through the cracks. Today is one of those moments and I just can't find the words to begin to describe what is going on in this heart or head of mine. The only thing left to do, is surrender them to God and give gratitude for everything.

I am blessed that my beloved will be by my side enduring my crushing grip as I hold his hand.

I am blessed that my sister who is facing her own battle took time out to let me know she was thinking of me.

I am blessed that dear friends have messaged with words of love and support.

I am blessed that my Mum will be here to greet the boys after school.

And despite this feeling of uncertainty that lies before me today, I am blessed that I have the opportunity to take the steps needed be proactive in my own health journey.

If there is a strong link of cancer within your family be it genetic or not, I urge you to take the steps to do whatever tests are needed to ensure you have the upper hand!  PREVENTION is the KEY!

FANTASTIC NEWS! The lumps discovered in both my left and right breast have come back as BENIGN!  

Omgoodness spelling mistake oh my...oh well I'll get over it!

Good news however does not equal complacency...there is still much work ahead!  I will be having a prophylatic mascestomy!

27th - Tonight we finally made it back to our line dancing class and like the last time, absolutely LOVED it! The songs were a bit on the faster pace side tonight so a couple of times its fair to say we just made it up as we went along, giggling all the way. Certainly got a bit of a sweat up and got the ole heart racing, which is an added bonus! Looking forward to next week, although sadly its the last for the year SO hopefully youtube will have a few vids for us to dance along too over the break.

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The jury is still out...

So the jury isn't really out on whether I am cracked or not but is it still out on the court case regarding my step daughter.  Maybe me posting the last line in the previous blog was my subconscious letting me know that I need to talk about it and get it out there and yet...I can't really write much about it.  Which, just so you know, really sucks because I would love nothing more than to be able to name and shame and to truly have the truth out there.  To open peoples eyes to the despicable human beings that her mother is, that her siblings are!  Oh gosh, this whole thing makes me sooooo mad!  All we can do is hope that those who have the power to make the final decision, make it wisely...we will find out in December.  Yet another year of our lives spent in limbo! Well, in all fairness we aren't really in limbo, our lives continue and we now finally have a schedule of visitations that suits our family...the juggling of our weekly schedule seems like a distant memory now - thank goodness for that!  

So what can I say?  

I can say that I have never in my life experienced the kind of hate that I feel for this woman.  I feel no compassion, no empathy at all for her, for those she incubated - other than of course the victim...our innocent little girl, who should not have ever endured what she did at such a tender age and continues to endure as a result.

I can say that these feelings of contempt are so foreign to my being that it almost feels like there is a demon inside of me wanting to get out and rip them to shreds.

I can say that if she were to catch on fire, I would go and piss on the tree next to her and watch as she screamed in pain...I had better stop there, because it just makes me more angry!  

Why does it make me so angry?

It makes me angry because I believe as a mother it is our job to protect our children.  To make sure that they never experience the level of torture that this mother allowed to happen time and time again and still to this day thinks it is 'no big deal'!

It makes me angry because I sit in disbelief that this woman is such a shitful parent and yet continues to breed, when there are those I know cannot bare children and would without question hold their position of a mother in as much high regard as I do.

It makes me angry that she pretends to be 'godly' and 'presents well', when in fact she is the opposite but because of her absolute two faced persona my faith, my beliefs are constantly questioned.

It makes me angry that she is given a right to fight, where the truth is right there in black and white and the ruling should be just as straight forward.  She does not deserve to be a mother at all!

It makes me angry that I allow such a disgraceful, pathetic, worthless, piece of rancid dick cheese scum, get under my skin the way it does and evoke emotions that are so left of centre to who I see myself being, who I really am.

I am angry at myself for not being able to find compassion, empathy, forgiveness and love for them when I have been able to do that for every other person in my life including myself, and lord knows that I have made mistakes.  But could I ever forgive myself for a mistake as huge as hers, as theirs?  No, fucking way!

I have tried to let go of my hatred, I truly have.  But with each day in court, with each new disclosure that went ignored, with each new mind fucking event that she allows to take place...I just can't get my head around it all enough for my heart to be able to be open to the possibility of an ounce of 'light' where she, they are concerned.

It truly eats me up inside and I wish with everything that it didn't.  I have considered walking away and just saying 'fuck it'...whatever happens happens but how can I do that in good faith, knowing that if she gets that little girl back in her care, I may as well also be signing her death warrant.  What scares me most of all is that I don't only mean that figuratively!

So...there it is, my two cents worth on a topic that is such an enormous part of our lives at present and a part that we really wish wasn't.

How do I get through each day despite these feelings eating me up from the inside out? 

I be the best mother I can be, ensuring that my children (all 3 of them) know what is and is not appropriate and acceptable behaviour by being a present, nurturing, loving, protective guiding force.  As much as I believe perfection is a state of mind, I also believe a mother should always aim towards it.  I show my man what it is to be part of family where love, rules, boundaries, routine and teamwork make us thrive.  I tell myself that its okay to feel the way I do and forgive myself for it, but remind myself that I do in fact need to let it go and never give up trying, because I refuse to give my power over to them!

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Change 4...End of a 14 year relationship...

START AND END OF A 14 YEAR RELATIONSHIP...

Glenn and I first separated in Dec 2012, with the boys and I going to live with my Mum to give Glenn a chance to find somewhere else (well technically it was the second time as we had separated for a little while just after Ace was born in Jan 2004 and decided to try again in the Apr 2004 but let's just forget that bit). Long story short we came to an agreement that we would move home and he would move into the bungalow at the back. 

That in itself was a change as I had to move my work space into the house and find something, somewhere to go every second weekend so that he could have time alone with the boys (if I stayed home I would of still had to do most of the parenting which defeats the purpose of it being his weekend). There were other changes too of course but reflecting on that now the only thing that us separating back then brought both of us was some freedom from each other and him freedom not to be a parent and partner on a daily basis.

Despite the separation (if you could really call it that) neither of us could truly move forward. Well, I kind of tried to, even though I know that it would never had eventuated to anything 'real' and was purely just a comfort thing...but enough about that, some lines should never be crossed!

Anyway after the shit hit the fan with my best friend (which I have previously blogged about) he was there for me (although he never let me forget about my 'mistake' despite me saying that in order for us to start again it needed to be left in the past) and I guess on some level I felt safe with what I knew and so we decided to try again (July 2013). 

Needless to say that after 18 months it ended again (December 2014), this time seeing him move out completely and I was faced with a whole new set of changes that I pretty much had to face alone as I had lost the support of my Mum (there is a previous blog about that also) and other close friendships (I had contemplated writing a blog about this but, it is what it is - quite simple as that. Do I miss it, yes of course just like I miss the dynamics of other friendships that have changed over the years. I hold no resentment or grudges though because as I said, it is what it is...some friendships stand the test of time and the hurdles along the way, others for whatever reasons associated don't and no amount of going over it will change that).

Glenn and I were together for a total of 14 years. I don't even know where to begin to describe our relationship other than to say when it was good it was AMAZING (and there were a lot of amazing times) but when it wasn't, it really wasn't (not talking and then only arguing when we did...basically living separate lives but trying desperately to make it work for the sake of the children....which is never the right reason as they aren't silly and always end up in the middle one way or the other). In the end, the bad times out weighed the good and we weren't happy together. I think we just had different ideals about what we expected from each other and what we wanted in life and we couldn't give each other those things. 

I very much live for my kids, they are my everything and everything I do is with them in mind - even if it can be too regimented and logical. Glenn, not so much. Not to say that he doesn't love the boys but he and I are just wired differently. 

A good example of that is this Fathers Day. As you may have read in a previous post Glenn came over for Father's Day and we spent some time together and had a great time at the park. What I didn't mention is that he didn't arrive until about 3.00pm and I had the boys asking me every five minutes when Dad was coming. When we rang him that morning at 11.00am he said he would be here soon. Now, I know that technically it was his kid free weekend but being that it was Fathers Day and the boys really wanted to see him, if it was me I would of made every effort to be there for them earlier.  

He ended up leaving at around 5.30pm to head to a family function...without the boys! Its not the first time and I am sure it won't be the last. Only a few weeks ago he attended another family dinner but yet again his two children were not considered. His excuse was, it was too much mucking around with his work and he just wanted to get there and back. Thing is, if he had of communicated with me (something that has always been lacking in our relationship...well clear open communication anyway) I would of been more than willing to drop them off and pick them up. 

Another example of him not putting his children first is that some weeks he is lucky to call them once because hes busy or tired. I struggle to go a weekend without speaking to my boys (or texting Glenn to see if they are OK) and as a parent I believe you drop everything for them as there will come a time when they will be grown up and living lives on their own and hopefully will make time for you just as you did for them...you know what I mean? Its also not like he has to call me to speak to them as he and my Mum brought Ace his own phone. That was done when neither of them were speaking to me...without my permission. He and Mum had an agreement to go halves in the monthly credit, he has had his phone for nearly two years and so far Glenn has given him $5 credit twice. Anyway I'm OK with Ace having a phone its only a simple one and all three of us at least agree with the no social media or using internet on his phone rule. It has also come in handy for him texting to say he and Jazz got to school safe of a morning and when he has gone to his mates places for sleep overs I always get a 'goodnight love you Mum' message. But enough about Ace and his phone I will be talking more about that in another blog.

Anyway...that's just who Glenn is and the older the boys get the more they are able to see it. When they talk to me about it, I tell them to discuss it with Dad but their answer is 'he won't listen'. Unfortunately it's sad but true as I have tried several times to discuss it with him and there has been no change, well I shouldn't say 'no change' as he will call everyday for a few days after we speak about it but its short lived...he probably figures its appeased us enough. So, I just reassure the boys that he loves them and that its worth trying to talk to him again.

So anyway the not putting the boys first, plus the constant argument over a motorbike (well more the lack of money needed for one - money was always something we argued about) on top of feeling as though I was not acknowledged, considered, appreciated, supported or heard... all just got to much for me to deal with. Those things may not seem like much but to me they are everything in a relationship even more so than physically intimacy; which is another thing that suffered in mine and Glenn's relationship towards the end and for him that is high on his list of what makes him happy. Funnily enough without sharing TMI...when I 'put out' he would be attentive and less self centred but for me its hard to give myself in that way without first feeling loved. Ironic that there was a time in my past that I thought sex = love or more so being wanted. It doesn't, well not for me anyway. Maybe while it is happening but love making starts in the kitchen so to speak. 

I don't want this to sound like me slinging shit at Glenn and blaming him for everything as I know that I played a big part of it all. I am not without my faults. I am stubborn and pig headed and expect the same from others as I expect of myself and that is hard enough for me to live up to let alone anyone else. I do put my kids before myself and anyone else and I can see how that would have made him feel unimportant when he is the reason for me having them in the first place. I also know that us having the additional person in the house didn't help and I didn't have his back when I should have. On top of that when I wasn't getting what I needed from him despite me voicing it repeatedly, I sought it from outside sources...whether that be in my friendships, community involvement, work or attention of another. In other words I'm not perfect and I own my share of our relationship failing. 

It broke my heart to admit defeat and give up on the fairy tale, but there comes a point that if neither of you are happy and a halfway point to change things can't be reached that you know the end of the line has come. In saying that you need to be happy in yourself too before you can be happy with others. One of the expectations that Glenn had on me was it was 'my job' to make him happy. Maybe to a point I agree but if that was the case then it should of worked both ways yeah.

Look, we tried, we really did probably beyond the point of where we should have but then again I also wonder if we could of both tried harder? Probably, but how much of yourself do need to let go of in order to make it work? 

Anyway, despite the hurt, resentment and anger when everything first fell apart and let me tell you it wasn't pretty, the things that still get to me and I am sure still get to him, I am happy to say that we are able to put our conflicts aside for the sake of the boys. We may not prioritize the boys in our lives the same way but we are on the same page when it comes to parenting them (admittedly he is more lenient) - that I think is huge.

I know that I will always be there as much as I possibly can for Glenn, he is the father of my children and I still love him despite sometimes not liking him or more his behaviours and attitude very much (him moving in with me and my partner in March of this year after he separated from his girlfriend and had no where to go proves that. As does letting his new girlfriend stay because she started working with him and it was too far to travel from her place - sometimes I wonder if I'm too nice and really do have the 'sucker' sticker on my forehead) and I'd love to think that he would do the same in return but lets just say that I hope I am never in a position for it to be tested.

Glenn has his motorbike now so is living the dream, as the saying goes. He is single again (kind of hmmm) and I really hope that he finds true happiness and someone who will love him as much as I used to once upon a time - like I said earlier, when it was good it was amazing but it just wasn't meant to be.

I'm so thankful for all the times we spent together both good and bad although its only the lessons that I'm thankful for there. I am also eternally grateful to him for the gift of our incredible children.

Glenn and I made a promise to each other before Ace was born that should we ever separate our child/ren would not be used as a pawn in a game. Glenn had been married previously and had children from that marriage who were used as just that and as I witnessed first hand the damage it did all round, it was an easy promise for me to make and most importantly for me/us to keep.

Glenn takes the boys every second weekend from after work on Friday to 5pm on Sunday (although most weeks he drops them early at around 3pm...I don't mind too much as it means we can get organised for the week ahead and have a nice quiet night together) and we meet half way to swap over. These days though I drop them to his place on Friday and he drops them here on the Sunday which gives us time for a cuppa and debrief about whats been going on in our/their lives.

He can also call whenever he likes and can have extra time during the week day / weekends if we don't have any plans - this isn't something that has happened though. We also share special occasions like birthdays, Easter and Christmas and he attends school functions if work permits (again...remembering that we prioritize our lives differently).

Regardless of it not always being roses we have been able to remain amicable and make agreements outside of court just as we promised.

I believe that Glenn being in the boys life is incredibly important he may not always behave in a way that I believe is good role model material but he is their 'real biological' Dad and he has some wonderful qualities...I fell in love with him for a reason and out of love for a reason but our children are a product of our love and they should never be made to choose, they didn't make the decision for us to live separate lives we did and so it is up to us to ensure that regardless of us no longer being together they know that they are still loved and they can love us both in return.

So that's that...I'm one of the lucky ones I guess but realistically I don't think it's luck I think its about making a choice and sticking to it regardless of how hard it can be and just so I'm keeping it real as good as it can appear on the surface there are cracks and some days are easier than others.

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