September 2019

September seems like a blur to me and so there isn't a great deal to fill you in on, but let's take a stroll down 'recap' lane together just for the heck of it!

Sunday September 1st

Today was Fathers Day! 

Here's a poem I wrote to 'mark' the occasion!

Today is the day we take time to say

To all the Fathers and Father Figures in our lives, 

Happy Fathers Day!

Perhaps not by blood, maybe not even male,

But in some shape or another

Your hero status doust prevail

Today is the one, set aside just for you.

A day to be told how much we appreciate All the 'Dad' things you do

You help make us whole, complete in some way

And we hope you know your worth

Not just on this day

But each day of the week, month and year

You are always special

And we hold your love dear.

So, as you know (well assuming you are an avid follower that is) my Dad is no longer physically with me.  Anyway, considering that the whole country celebrates their Dad on this one particular day, one would think that I would feel an extreme sense of loss not being able to do the same, right?  And yet, I don't!  That I fear sounds to be quite harsh, which is certainly not my intention.  Let me try to explain.  Of course I wish that he was here, that is a given for me every single day of my life, but Fathers Day celebrations just don't weigh as heavily upon me in the same way that days like the anniversary of his passing and my birthday do.  Perhaps its because I don't really believe we need a 'special' day to honour someone who deserves to be treated with love and respect on a daily basis!  Anyway, I'm not really going anywhere with this, maybe I wrote about it as a way to try and understand it, because it really does leave me feeling a little perplexed!  Lets just move on...

The focus of our day was on my sweet man Mark, and also upon the boys Dad Glenn.  As we have done in the past, our day was spent together (well a couple of hours of it anyway) as one big blended family.  Nothing overly exciting or elaborate just simply time at home enjoying each other company. 

Tuesday September 3rd

With two assessments due on the same day, and the due date fast approaching I finally stopped procrastinating and made a start.

Saturday September 7th

We celebrated the 50th birthday of one of our treasured friends!

I have to admit that on numerous occasions throughout the week I had contemplated messaging our apologies, opting instead to stay home and study. But, not wanting to let her down, I juggled life like a crazy clown on speed and managed to complete one of my assessments.  Whoo hoo!  Mind you, this was achieved 30 minutes before the event start time.  Cue mad dash to try and look somewhat presentable and off we went.

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, after several random shots of gut burning goodness, and after releasing my best 80's footloose dance moves, my darling husband helped me staggle (hobble and stagger at the same time...note to self - ankles are still healing!) through the door.

Gotta say, as much as I could have been home working on the next assessment, I really needed that time to just have some "fun".

Tuesday September 10th, 2019

Today, despite the need to study lurking like a dark cloud over my head, I caught up with a dear friend who I haven't seen in years.  Her Dad and my Dad were in a band together called "Jedda Country", way back in the late 1970's...more than that they were mates, brothers!  

We spent a good chunk of the day reminiscing (yes there were tears but also lots of laughter), and sharing our life stories (so much in common its quite daunting).  Then, this afternoon Mum popped over and was blown away by seeing us together.  She also shared with us a few stories, which was really special.  And we called Desi's Mum, Aunty Robyn and chatted with her too.  Something that I found so touching, was that on the day which turned out to be Uncle Dennis' last day, he had gone into Peter Macs hospital and spent the day with my Dad.  Ten years later, on what turned out to be my Dads last day, his family decided to randomly visit my Dad.  So, in essence, they each spent their last days together!  Goosebumps kinda stuff huh!

It is so mind blowing to think that we are now both 10(+) years older than our Dads were when they left this earth, and yet they both live on in our love for them and the gift of music they gave us. 

I am so blessed to have shared this moment and look forward to making more memories together really soon..well, once uni settles down anyway!  We've got lots of stories to tell through our music...and plan to write together, so today was just the beginning.

Wednesday September 11th 2019 and beyond...

Study day!  I will be completely real with ya here, if it wasn't for the fact that I knew I had today free to do study, I would have yet again rescheduled yesterday...so glad I didn't!  Mind you, today's study didn't go so well.  In fact, neither did the next 3 days to follow and come Saturday night, despite playing my guitar as hard as I could and belting out tunes until my voice broke, I ugly cried myself to sleep.  It was obviously the release I needed because on Sunday morning I got up and the haze had lifted.  The anxiety however, not so much, and with the pressure of juggling work and a follow up hospital appointment, it only heightened as the week progressed.  Ironically enough, the assessment topic was/is about the impact of meditation on the symptoms of anxiety!  Long story short, I managed to get it written and finished before due date on Sunday 22nd September, however, it is certainly not to the quality I expect from myself and I am sure that my grade will also reflect that.  But, considering that for a good week I had a mental blank, and honestly thought I was not going to be submitting anything at all, thus failing miserably and throwing $2000 in the trash (the approx cost of a single subject), I was beyond caring.  Sort of, more like resolved myself to the fact that there was nothing else I could do in the remaining time frame.

Friday September 27th 2019

Today Aces girlfriend of one month, Mia (they became official on the 24th of August) came and spent the day with us.  Yes, you read that right, my baby boy has a first proper love.  You wanna know something totally mind blowing?  Just like my first ever boyfriend (Travis from age 13 to 18), she also lives in Deer Park.  Karma perhaps?  Anyway, shes a lovely thing (albeit a total tripper) and he is happy and respectful of both her and our boundaries (for now anyways, he is a teenager after all...so there is bound to be some rebelling occur).  I also got to chat with and meet her Mum which was good as we appear to be on the same page.  The past month hasn't been all smooth sailing for them though, and my boy has faced losing a friendship and the crap that comes with people lashing out when feeling hurt. 

Have to say it was all a little hard for me as an adult to navigate let alone have to watch, and try to support him through it.  Let me try to explain it all...

So, it started out as a 'crush' between Ace and one of Mia's friends.  Anyways Ace and his mate started attending Empire (a church youth group in Sunshine on Friday night; he catches the youth group bus from Melton and back...lets just say there's been lots of pushing me outside of my comfort zone)...oh and yes, you read it right, my boy, attending church of his own freewill...amazing what teenage hormones achieves!  So, the four of them became thick as thieves chatting on Instagram messenger every night for hours on end.  Anyway, Ace and his crush decided to remain friends, and it turned out that Mia, much to the disappointment of Aces mate who was interested in her, had a crush on Ace.  Long story short, Ace told me he liked Mia too, and so I gave my blessing (better that, than them going behind my back).  So it became official and Ace ended up enduring weeks on end of bullying from said mate and others who joined in just for the heck of it - unrequited love certainly makes people act in a strange way!  By the last day of term I had reached the point of being beyond concerned for Aces mental health, as despite the boys trying to sort it out alone there was no change.  So...I called the Mum to see what we as adults could figure out together to try and resolve the issue.  Lets just say, that it was very obvious from the call why her son acts the way he does.  Mind you, I shouldn't have really been surprised.  The bullying did settle down though which is a blessing, mind you, I'm guessing that's only because of me stating that if it didn't I would speak to the police.  A drastic measure, yes, but one that I would have surely taken to ensure my child's mental health did not decline further...have you seen the suicide rates due to teenage bullying?  

Monday September 30th 2019

Today, Mark finally got to see the urologist.  

Mind you, as much as the wheels have been set in motion to get him fixed up, no relief was provided on the spot...frustrating to say the least!

Mark was born with a congenital condition called a urethral stricture...he has had 18 operations to try and fix it but sadly they are only short term solutions.  

Anyway, he currently has over a litre of urine trapped in his bladder, which turns acidic and triggers a UTI, which triggers prostatitis.  Antibiotics and opiods take the edge off but they are just a bandaid. So, now its just a waiting game.  First step will be cystoscopy...but when?

Read more "September 2019"

Some Days

Note:  I posted this previously but accidentally deleted it...good thing I save my posts phew!

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Before I posted my last blog post on Saturday, we went out for lunch with Mum.  As it so happened we were early (shock horror), and so took some time to just sit in the sunshine and watch the world go by.  Truth be told, we took the selfie more as a way to say "Look!  I do actually leave the house occasionally!" LOL. 

As you can see, despite all that was lurking under the surface, we wore a mask and put on a smile.  Mind you, being together always gives us something to smile about!

During lunch we laughed and told jokes and spoke about this that and the other, but all the while part of me was holding back the tears.  Perhaps if we had of been in the comfort of home, I may have been more open, but lets face it, no-one wants to ugly cry whilst out in public.  Ain't nobody wanna see that either!

Anyway, once we got home...I finally took the mask off (as you would know if you indeed read my last blog all the way to the end).  Admittedly, I did not completely release as even though I do share a considerable amount of my personal life openly on the social media platform, there are some things best left unshared; whether it be for fear of offending another due to being taken the wrong way, it just being way too raw to disclose so publicly or could even just open up a whole other can of worms.  Whatever the reason, somethings are best left for personal entries and/or face to face conversations.

Whilst I try for the most part to keep the mask on and be a Positive Polly, I know that it's not always real.  Actually, its fake as shit and yet there are times I wish people would reach out, but then when they do I pretend everything is hunky dory anyway, so why would they check in if I'm forever smiling, forever saying "I'm good", and then immediately changing topic of conversation over to them. 

Oops I digressed...where was I?  Oh yeah, the duality of life is that there are both ups and downs, smiles and frowns and everything else fits somewhere in between; that's the raw and unscripted nature of this wonderful roller coaster ride we are strapped into for our short time here!  Sometimes we are throwing our hands up and screaming with glee for more.  Other times we are gripping on for dear life just hoping we don't go crashing down to the ground at 100mph.  And then, there are the lulls which see us steadily cruise along wondering what comes next!  

Must be a song in there somewhere hey?  Well, as it turns out there is!  

Actually, the song was inspired by a comment that my sweet man left on my blog post, over at my facey site (HERE).

He wrote: "Every heart beat is filled with ups and downs.  So too, our lives are filled with smiles and frowns!". - M.V.S

Anyhow, after we finally got up off our butts and got the house all sparkling and smelling Divine plus a few other odd jobs I'd neglected, the plan was for me to just head into bed and watch some mindless TV, whilst Mark ducked down the street to get some fags...yep I need to quit AGAIN, but that's a whole other blog!

Long story short, I picked up the guitar instead and by the time he had gotten home I had composed some music, written a verse, a chorus and had a general idea of what else I wanted to say, but it just wasn't flowing quite right.  After a little help from my poetic husband, whalla new song was created, all in about 30 minutes.

Whilst the main inspiration came from my husbands comment, there were also sparks of inspiration from a text conversation I had with my little sister (Marketta) earlier in the week.  

Talking about Marketta, her breast cancer journey took on another challenge, and today she is in hospital having an operation to hopefully stop her body producing estrogen.  Why?  Because despite the drug she was given to stop her producing it, she still is, and since her cancer is HER2-positive (hormone receptor positive), meaning that the cancer cells grow in response to the estrogen produced, this is the best option she was given in order to decrease the chances of it metastasizing, given its aggressive nature.  In her words "It is what it is, and you do what you've gotta do".

Gotta say, knowing all that she has gone through, is still going through and yet is more worried about her friend who is sadly very unwell, instills an element of guilt for being so down in the dumps.  I know its not a comparisons game, and that we are all allowed to feel whatever it is we feel, but if you really look at the bigger picture, my struggles are a walk in the park really!  In saying such however, they are still very real for me, and some days are worse than others!

Which brings me back to the new song, which just so happens to be called Some Days!

Here are the lyrics....

Some Days

Some days its like my mind won't stop turning

And I'm stuck on the merry-go-round 

Some days its like my heart is yearning

For something it hasn't found

Every heartbeat has its ups and downs

And every life has its smiles and frowns

The best that we can do

Is put one foot before the other

And just push on through

Tomorrows another day

And the sun will come out

Chase the clouds away

I know its easier to say

But just have a little faith

It will be okay

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Some days its like my tears won't stop flowing

I'm sure I'm gonna drown 

Some days its like I'm searching for a corner

In a room that's only round

Every story has a beginning and end

And everybody needs that one true friend 

To help them when they're blue 

To put one foot before the other

And push on through

Tomorrows another day

And the sun will come out

Chase the clouds away

I know its easier to say

But just have a little faith

It will be okay

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Don't give up

Don't give in

Just keep on pushing

I know you're gonna win

Tomorrows another day

And the sun will come out

Chase the clouds away

I know its easier to say

But just have a little faith

It will be okay

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Music composed by Natasha Hurst-Shilling 

Lyrics written by Mark and Natasha Hurst-Shilling

Written on the 24th August 2019

Whilst one could think that the "hey's" were used because I couldn't think of anything else to say, you know a bit like la-la-la's hehehe!  They aren't, well, not entirely anyway.  You see, my hubster and I have this thing where when we want the other to take their head out of the phone, or to stop cleaning like a mad woman...in other words to stop and truly listen!  We start by saying "Hey"!

And you have now reached the end of this blog post.  Thanks heaps for taking the time to read and perhaps watch/listen, as always it means heaps.

This is me hoping that if you have been feeling like I do some days, and did have a listen, that I helped you feel even just a little more better than before!

LLP Tash xo

Read more "Some Days"

August 2019...Part 1

So here we are, Saturday August 24th 2019!  So hard to believe that the eighth month of the year is almost behind us.  I have to say though, as much as I cannot wait till this cold weather is behind us and summer arrives, I am also no where near ready for the Christmas madness to begin.  To be real with you, the thought that it is only a few months away, makes my chest get heavy and my heart start palpitating!  Don't get me wrong, I like Christmas, but our finances at the moment are non-existent and unfortunately over the years I have made a rod for my own back with spoiling the boys so much, and I fear that I won't be able to pull it all together like I have in the past.  I know its not about material possessions and gifts, but *sigh*.  Anyway enough about that for now, let me fill you in on whats been happening in the life and times of moi!

Sunday August 4th, 2019

Yesterday we went out to Holgate Brewhouse in Woodend (seems like so long ago that we used to play (as in sing) there on Friday nights) for an early celebratory birthday lunch with my little sister.  Both our family and Jeremy's family were there, which I think is lovely.  Today however, was a quiet one at home with feet up, so I took the opportunity to complete a project that Mum had been working on for someone special!

 I really dislike working with feather and chenille wool!

Monday 5th August, 2019

Firstly, let me say a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my baby sister!  I shouldn't really say 'baby' as she is 38 years young today!  OMGoodness, why did I do that calculation, that just makes me feel ancient!

Anyway my boi put together a little video clip for her...you can view it HERE!  Such a clever kid!

So I posted this in the morning...

Uni break is officially over and the last leg of my first degree begins today.  I am also back at work today, albeit reduced time slots due to working from my red wheels, but at least it means an income (much needed now that I have lost child support due to Glenn no longer having a job) and also doing something I love. Normally, I would have had all our I's dotted and T's crossed before this moment of now BUT they aren't and that is okay...the world keeps on turning, the birds are still chirping merrily, the sun rose and will indeed set, and I will undoubtedly inhale and exhale and keep on going, both wheels at a time hahaha in lieu of one foot in front of the other that is.  In other words I am grateful for this perfectly imperfect day and the beautiful chaos that it is!

This followed in the afternoon...

Okay, so whilst the table was lowered and positioned so that I could get around it, this duffa did a trial massage on her hubby without using oil didn't she! Needless to say that this mornings client got a free laughter therapy session at my expense. Lets just say that attempting to maneuver a wheel chair in a tight space with oily hand is not at all graceful! Can't say I didn't try! Omgoodness gotta laugh or else I'd be a blubbering mess.  All clients cancelled until further notice...I don't even wanna think about how the heck we are going to get by financially right now...back to laughing it all off, much easier not to think about it!

Tuesday 6th August, 2019

There is a Maori proverb that says “Te tiro atu to kanohi ki tairawhiti ana tera whiti te ra kite ataata ka hinga ki muri kia koe.”, which translates as “Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you". And so today, I took time out to do just that! To sit, to breathe, to surrender in the glory of the sunlight! 

See that look on my face, yep its the look of someone worrying ALOT about EVERYTHING!  I got a call yesterday afternoon to tell me that my gyno surgery had been swapped to the urgent category, and so it is happening THIS Friday! 

Trying to get our lives in 'perfect' order aka mostly the house and everything within in up to date and sparkling, is not the easiest of tasks to do whilst still in a gosh darn bloody wheel chair.  I feel so bloody useless at the moment!  I know, its only temporary! 

Saturday 10th August, 2019

Op done and dusted! Long story short, the op was to remove and further investigate some abnormal cells found in my cervix, and to address some abnormal bleeding issues I have been having. Unfortunately they were unable to do everything they hoped to do, as apparently my cervix is too narrow! WTF does that even mean? I have pushed out two babies FFS! 

Anyway, I'm a bit stingy, have a sore throat from being intubated, ultra drowsy from anesthesia and pain meds, a little on the emotional side, but all things considered I'm okay, and very happy to be home. I need to go back in to discuss my options in around six weeks time, if not sooner.

Monday 12th August, 2019

Pretty much sums it up!  I have slept 27 of the past 48 hours and still in zombie mode! I know, I know, rest = healing! But, Urgh! Blergh! Blah! LOL - thats my exhausted pigeon impersonation!

Tuesday 13th August 2019

Okay, so yesterday wasn't such a great day, mostly due to frustration!  Today was a new mindset game and so this morning I hobbled around the house and did a general tidy, which really only consisted of making our bed and straightening the boys beds (yes, I'm one of those Mums). Then I spent the rest of the day in bed with feet up resting, watching weird ass movies! I'm okay with that though because at least I was buggered for a reason, albeit not from running a marathon (although I was trying to get it done as quick as possible before Mark got back and busted me).

Also been thinking that maybe not being able to work in the wheel chair was a blessing!  At least it wasn't stop-start!

I received an awesome card today in the mail from Mum today.  It made me cry, happy tears, but tears all the same.  I love getting snail mail, such a touching gesture that truly made me feel special!

Sunday 18th August 2019

I have been busy doing NOTHING!  Okay, so that's not entirely true...I've been doing ALOT of sitting on my arse watching TV!  So, today I forced myself to get up, have a shower and do something...ANYTHING!

As it turned out, that anything was to write a song!

It's been a while between songs! But this weekend I have been helping a good friend of mine navigate a storm shes facing and it inspired me to pick up my guitar and notebook. Sometimes holding on can hurt more than letting go, especially when you don't really know whether you are the only one trying to get to the life raft.

Anyway I finished writing it, and decided to get a video of it straight away.  It is raw, it is unscripted, but it is what it is, my new song called Let Me Know!

Monday 19th August 2019

It was back to work for me today (which went great, but admittedly I am pooped and sore), but on my breaks I spent some time with my sweet man working out a piano accompaniment for my new song...so glad I didn't get rid of the kids toy piano LOL. Still a few parts to iron out but I can't wait till my sweet man and I can play it together. Once that's done, I think I might get Ace on his bass, and Jazz on some percussion and see what we can come up with. It feels good to be inspired again!

Saturday 24th August, 2019

And here we are, back in this moment of NOW!

There is a question I've dreaded being asked all week. You know the one...How are you? Like hmmm, do people REALLY want the truth, or do they just want to hear those words "I'm good"? Which are the words I have been saying every time I am asked, although maybe "FINE" would be a more accurate description!

To be honest, I am just feeling so totally overwhelmed by life right now. It feels as though I am floating in a rough sea trying to catch my breath just after being hit by a wave. And I have that feeling of impeding doom lurking because I know that there is another wave on the horizon and I am about to go under again.

Sure, it was awesome to feel inspired enough to write a song, and its great that I am back at work and getting income flowing in again.  Oh man, that reminds me that I need to balance our books and I really don't want to look at the credit card balance  And yet, how blessed we are to have had the credit card to fall back on these past couple of weeks.  Holy shit, do you do that too?  You know have an arguementative debate with yourself?  It's like for every negative I say, there is a part of me that has an instant positive rebutle...it's so freaking exhausting!

I also should be studying right now instead of writing this, but here we are three weeks in and I have pretty much done zip!  I need to get my shit together because I have two huge ass assessments due at the end of week six.  This whole study thing is something I love, something I want to do, but I just can't find the get up and go.

I also need to disinfect, vac and mop the house and just can't be fruited...THAT is NOT like me at all!  WTF is wrong with me?  I am so freaking over myself right now!  

FARK what a sad sack!  Me feeling like THIS makes me feel so ungrateful for everything good that I have in my life.  I mean, there are people out there fighting for theirs and here I am with no spark to truly 'live' mine, other than to exist through it.

I feel lost and lonely, and yet I know exactly where I am, and I know I'm in the place I want to be, with the people I want to be with.  How does that even make sense?  

My ankles are still sore, and by the end of the day are swollen which makes them sorer.  I have put on like 2kgs from sitting on my arse doing nothing, which is making me feel like a huge blimp, and yet I keep shoving 'crap' in my mouth because eating my emotions is just what I have always done.  I am still bleeding from my operation which sucks, and I "miss" my husband...like you know...intimately, and we have 4 more weeks of it to go *sigh*!

Anyway, I'm going to stop writing soon and force myself to get up and do something productive.  That's part of the key I think, diving head first back into the swing of things.  The other is changing things that I don't like at the moment...whilst not a huge list, there are some within my control that I want to change.  The biggest of those is feeling disconnected from my kids at the moment, which is alot of my own doing...time to reign in the boundaries that have blurred edges at the moment - ahhh, just another thing I feel like I'm failing at right now!

Okay, enough shade...even the weather has turned to grey in reflection of my mood!  The worst part is that I've only just touched the surface of everything going around in my head. 

This too shall pass, I just need to get out of my own way first!

Read more "August 2019...Part 1"

March came and went...

If you are an avid reader of this blog then you have probably been thinking..."she's behind again", and waiting ever so patiently for an update. Well the wait is over, and I am here to fill you in on all the raw and unscripted ups, downs, and inbetweens that make up my life!

Monday 4th 

UNI started for 2019

And so begins the 3rd and final year of my Bachelor of Complementary Medicine degree. Having 3 months off has been wonderful, but, it takes a while for the study mojo to get sparked up again let me tell you! Gotta say, I am ultra excited to be so close to the finish line...well, of this one anyway - lets not think about the 5 years ahead of me for part B just yet! I do have a feeling that this year is going to be full on though, but I only have 4 subjects to complete, so thats a little bit of pressure off! It also helps knowing I'm not alone and that the sanity girls are only a PM away...I love our daily chit chat! Be sure to buckle up as I recon we are in for one heck of ride ahead!

Thursday 7th 

Ace got NITS..cue major panic attack, delousing of his hair, checking of our hair and an all night cleaning spree! OMG like seriously, I am not joking about panic attack F*%?!!!

Friday 8th

Holy heck what a day!

Early morning dental appointment for Mark...the first of what we find out will be many *sigh*. Diabetes is NOT friendly to ones teeth...mind you a referral was sent in July last year! I guess thats the public health system for ya hey! Still better than that of other countries, so I can't really complain too much, it's just mega frustrating watching your husband in pain for so long, and growing more and more self conscious...yes, men struggle with that too! 

Looking cool in his shades! 

Then it was home to work before heading out again for my mammogram/ultra sound appointment (I did tell you I found another lump yeah?), which took WAY longer than expected as they didn't have my hospital history GRRR...get on the same bloody page people! 

After that it was a quick stop at shops before heading home to throw on some glad rags ready to head out to celebrate one of my beautiful besties birthday.

Scrub up okay for an old bat? 

But...not before dropping the boys off to Glenns for the weekend and then driving across to Sunbury in peak hour traffic...talk about here there and everywhere today! 

Anyway, it was an awesome way to round off a busy day. I had such a great time just sitting chatting, laughing and stuffing my face on yummy Mexican food, albeit way too much! At the start of the night I said to Bec "Don't you get a hat for your birthday here?", to which her reply was "Don't you dare, I'll walk out!". So, it came to the point where we were all just about done, and would all be leaving soon anyway...and, so I organised to get her a hat hahaha! It's all in the timing LOL!

Love ya Baby Girl!

Saturday 9th

For months and months, maybe even 'years', we have been planning on having a garage sale but kept setting a date and then cancelling it due to not being organised enough. Anyway, because we had planned on a garage sale, all the stuff we (and Mum) have no longer needed/wanted has been placed willy-nilly out into said garage. As you can imagine, it was starting to look like a bomb had exploded and was beginning to burst at the seams. So, I decided this weekend (given Monday was Labour Day holiday) was as good a time as any to get in there and start sorting through it!

What started out as 'just sorting through and tidying', ended up being way more! I took photos of EVERYTHING and posted them on facebook in an ONLINE GARAGE SALE! Holy crap, the beeping from messages and comments was insane, but ultra effective! Before we knew it the items were being sold and our garage was well and truly getting cleared.

NOTE: For those thinking of doing it, whilst a good way to rid of 'stuff' and to make some money in the process, it is ultra time consuming! The photos, the uploading, the answering of comments and messages, the putting aside of items until they get picked up, the following up of people that didn't pick up items and then reposting because they have changed their mind, or just don't bother replying. Not something I would do again in a hurry!

Sunday 10th

As we were on a roll we figured that since we were going to be out there sorting again we may as well advertise that people could come and look through - an impromptu garage sale if you will. We ended up calling it quits early due to a sudden change in the weather. It wasn't completely a wasted day as I got to start sorting through the photography and gym gear (I have to add here that as much as there was a part of me that was a little sad at letting go of things that were a part of my life for so long, it also felt awesome to detach from it) AND we learnt that we needed better advertising for a garage sale to work properly AND that things needed to be displayed and not in boxes!

With that being said, we decided to actually commit and set a proper date...Saturday April 13th! Little did we know, that the garage sale was about to get alot more stuff added to it and the garage that we sorted, was about to become full yet again!

Monday 11th

I decided it was time to do a clothes cull, so everything was pulled out of my drawers and the wardrobe and put on the spare bed for me to sort through. I didn't get much done to be honest, its very hard to try on clothes to see if they fit properly when your belly has distended to that of a 6 month pregnant woman, and you are worried that everything will get blood stained - sorry TMI I know, but its real! TTOTM sucks!

Tuesday 12th

Weather change = A sick me! So...all the clothes that I pulled out of my wardrobe yesterday to sort through, are still sitting there, messing with my head! 

Lucky I can just close the spare room door!

Wednesday 13th

Work cancelled and a day of rest for me! Well physical rest anyway, having to cancel work means I stress over finances and feel like I am letting the team and all my clients down. Add to that the fact that there are clothes yet to be sorted which equals MESS!

Today was our 4 years of us becoming a proper couple and Mark no longer sleeping on the couch anniversary. As much as milestones are nice to look back on and celebrate (if and when we remember - to be honest both of us forgot this one until a week later) everyday together is a true blessing. 

Thursday 14th

Off to docs...needed to go for results anyway.

Viral Infection, swollen glands, fluid in ears, mild fever, lungs sound wheezy...Awesome NOT, I certainly do not do things by halves! Need to book in for a COPD test when I feel better, but for now REST! Sounds silly, but once the doctor actually confirmed I was sick, I felt less guilty resting.

Hot soup is always good when you are sick! 

As for the results...

I have abnormal cells in the cervix so I need a pelvic ultra sound - joy of joys! Mammogram shows changes around the biopsy site and a definite new lump, but as it does not look suspicious and I am going to see surgeon in May its just a matter of waiting, and ofcourse checking for any further changes. Freaking heck...no real answers, just more waiting...that really helps the anxiety NOT!

I cancelled my MHFA workshop for the weekend, spewing too as I was really looking forward to gaining the extra qualification. I've completed the certificiate part online but just need to do the face to face. Hopefully I will do that by the end of the year but at the moment I just can't push through.

Oh and we also had to do a retreatment of hair! Aces hair is so long so it takes ages!!! He is not keen on tying it back as he gets picked on at school, but hopefully knowing now how much me combing through it hurts, he will ignore them (easier said than done, I understand that). Oh gosh, how dirty they make me feel and yet, I know, I know, they like 'clean' hair! Seriously though, even just writing about it makes me feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin!

Friday 15th

Another dental appointment for Marky, poor bugger had a couple of teeth pulled OUCH. He is so self conscious of his smile, but I still think he is ultra handsome - Collingwood smile and all! Anyway as they were worried he may hypo, I needed to be there SO I took my pillows and blankets and rested in the car...yep I even stayed in my PJS LOL!

Monday 18th 

Back on my feet and back to work!

Tuesday 19th

Today was supposed to be my study day, but I decided to declutter/clean/rearrange our bedroom instead. Clothes however, are still sitting in the spare room LOL! 

If you don't already know...when I am anxious, worried, stressed, angry etc..I clean! It helps me to process my thoughts and my emotions.

Before...well kinda, I didn't get a proper before pic darn it! 

BEFORE: The above photo isn't exactly a proper before representation, that is more a before-before-before one LOL. Replace rocking chair with a big pink antique chair (you will see what I mean in after photo). Add another display cabinet on top of the tallboy with a heap more trinkety things on it. And, at the end of the bed was two cube boxes on top of each other with the TV etc in it. Yes, I know, not good sleep hygiene BUT we ensure it is switched off to sleep and I personally like having some alone time every now and then to watch 'chick flicks'. Oh we also had like an old tin chest in there too next to the tallboy, which had all of Marks bits and pieces in it.

Also, I just felt like I needed a change...and so I certainly made one!

After - we are absolutely loving our space right now!

AFTER: I have made a few adjustments since taking these pics. One of them is removing the red artwork and putting up a tram carriage luggage rack which has hat boxes on it. 

Another is putting up black block out curtains. And the final change was made to the piece hanging above the bed as I found a few other wedding things to add to it. 

Speaking of such...one of my favourite things in our room, is that we used the driftwood stick we picked up on one of our travels as the frame for our over the bed art piece. I love having our dream catchers and wedding charms displayed. How blessed we feel laying here looking up at all these beautiful treasures gifted to us by our precious friends. Oooh did you know that in 1 month and 2 days time it will be our first wedding anniversary...makes having these on display even more spesh!

I also love that we have been able to proudly display one of our wedding signs. I left space on each side to eventually print up and hang a couple of wedding pics, which I think will finish off the space perfectly!

This is the sign!

Photo by JJ Photography

Anyway, as is always the case after a mad cleaning frenzy in one room, the rest of the house ends up looking like a bomb exploded...more cleaning ahead!

Thursday 21st

Went for a pelvic ultra sound this morning. Had to drink a shit tonne of water before hand and hold it in for an hour before the appointment. Ofcourse on the way there my darling hubster hit every bloody pothole...well it felt that way at least. By the time we got to the radiographers I seriously thought I was going to leave a trail of wee behind me. Luckily we didn't have long to wait AND they let me go and let a little bit out, which was good but so ultra hard to stop at the same time, I mean how do you shut the flood gates when the waterfall is running rapidly - you get my drift. Thankfully it didn't take too long for her to do both external and internal exam, and then I was able to pee freely and head home to work.

And because the day wasn't already busy enough, I also had to go into bloody centrelink for a random review. OMG like seriously, such a pain in the arse, especially when I keep them updated about everything. It went smoothly really, I guess it helped that I was ultra organised and had all the paperwork (plus some) on hand with me. I also made sure to check my attitude before going in, ensuring I was happy and cooperative and not cranky LOL, hard to do when dealing with centerlink! Whist we were there we also got our medicare cards changed to reflect our NEW family, so that was a bonus! Still have to change our name though BUT I need to finalise my citizenship stuff before that can be done (the lack of $ is preventing that from happening)!

Oh, guess who shared her germs, yep Marky caught my virus...I knew I should of sent him to the couch!

Friday 22nd

Finally finished sorting through my clothes, and it is safe to say I was indeed RUTHLESS!

All off to the opshop! AND there are some for the garage sale!

I even threw away my 'comfort' jacket!

Saturday 23rd 

When the boys came home from school on Tuesday and saw our room, this happened...

1. I love that they acknowledge the work we put in!

2. We must be doing something right if teenage boys still want to have sleepovers with their folks! 

3. I should have known they'd want to do theirs too...but which one first and how to arrange it, and when? Definitely wasn't Tuesday night like Jazz was hoping...he must think I'm supermum!

So the question of WHEN? was TODAY! And the other question of which one first...was for some ridiculously stupid reason...both at the same time! I am sucker for punishment OMG, talk about making things hard for myself!

What this meant for me...is that everything (well except the furniture that stayed in the room) got pulled out of the room so that I had a blank canvas to work with. And, so its easier to clean the walls, skirtings, carpet, windows...you know a good deep clean rather than the usual general tidy - spot clean!

So essentially I made more mess in the process = major headF*#$

Tuesday 26th

I finally finished the boys rooms - PHEW! They look and feel much better. Again, I forgot to take a before pic which is really annoying, but I was so uni focused on just getting them done.

It took a little longer than expected as not only did we put up shelves for their name plates (the ends of their old racing car beds on their first skate boards), we also turned our old computer cupboard into a wardrobe for Aces room. The hinges proved to be a right royal pain in the backside!

Jazz's Room

Ace's Room 

WAS a computer cupboard - NOW a wardrobe 

The boys rocks collected on our adventures - LOVE! 

Wednesday 27th

Back to the quack today for some more results. Cancer HPV Screen was clear thank fuck for that BUT they don't know why they cells are abnormal and they said ultra sound was inconsistent due to an obstruction WTF does that mean? Anyway, I have been referred on to a specialist in Ballarat...how long the wait will be is anyones guess. How long is a piece of string?

We had Marks endocrinologist appointment today with the new specialist, and we both really like him...also a bonus that he is in Melton and all on Medicare!

RIP Jodie

Today I heard that an old flame of mine passed away. It hit me hard! I think part of the grief comes from not reaching out more and staying in touch. I guess that happens when you just decide to let go so you can both move on. I pulled out all of my keepsakes I had of her tonight (yes I kept them, I'm a sentimental softie). Her teddy bear with her name on it; she has (had) my name bear, her old perfume bottle, every single note/letter she ever wrote me, photos of the two of us. So many memories, both good and not so good. There is no denying we loved each other, it just wasn't enough...for me anyway - it was always me that couldn't give all of myself to her the way she did with me. Life was so different back then, so intense, such a big part of my existence and just like that it all changed. I never stopped loving her though and I never will.

A while back we used to message each other on facebook. During one of those times she asked when I was coming to visit, and as always despite me saying I thought about it, it just never became a reality.

If only I could turn back time and jump on that plane, rather than waiting till 2037 thinking that she would still be here!

Hey you! "Come what may" we will meet again! Rest in peace Jodie. Who are we kidding though yeah, you will be up there running a muck beaming your beautiful smile at everyone and making hearts melt, you beautiful soul YOU!

I wrote this for her a while back...

Thursday 28th 

And the decluttering/Cleaning Spree continues...

I decided to swap the study and spare room around, which meant shit was everywhere!

Uni is full on so I should be studying BUT I am doing my forum posts on my breaks so thats something.

I have insomnia really badly at the moment too, there is so much on my mind and the house being turned upside down is not helping.

Friday 29th

We were supposed to be going out to a community festival tonight but there are fires nearby and the wind is really strong, so we aren't going. I'm glad about that as I am in a really shitty head space right now....I just want to finish my house which is taking ages because I am being RUTHLESS!

I think Mum finally got it today when she popped in and saw shit everywhere. I guess its one thing to explain it over the phone and another to actually see it for yourself. My bestie also popped over tonight. I sent her a message before coming to say that the house looks like a bomb hit, but even her reaction was like 'Holy Shit' when she walked in LOL.

Both of them were amazed at the amount of 'STUFF' and wondered where it all came from. That my friends is what you call amazing tetris skills...clutter gets well hidden...good on one hand, not on another!

Sunday 31st

It has been a huge task but I finally have my office all done.

I got rid of 3 garbage bags full of paper and 4 boxes of old treasures! Feeling much more inspired to write my essays for my two uni assessments due in the next two weeks! 

Next on the list is the spare room/sitting room! 

P.S. Sorry about the change in tense from past to present...this catch up bizo is a little tricky, especially when I had written bits and bobs along the way. Anywho, stay tuned as April catch up will be posted soon(ish)!

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