Today I went and visited my dear friend Jodi and her daughter Kristen who has been readmitted into hospital due to her eating disorder taking hold of her again.
Yesterday they received some comments and messages on the Kristen's Story face book page (you can view it HERE) that showed nothing but pure ignorance. As Jodi has so much going on right now and is too emotionally attached to be able to reply in an 'unemotional' way she asked if I would be willing to help write something for her, of course I agreed as I want to help in anyway I can.
In our discussions today I spoke briefly about my past, I had spoken a little about it last week too. Then on the way home I spoke some more about it with Mark. Then tonight writing the post I have thought more about it and, well you get the drift.
As much I say 'It's all good, I know my triggers so I'll be right' seeing Kristen today and Jodi desperately trying to do everything she can to help her has made me realise that I need to be honest about a few things that have been going on lately. They aren't major but they are still something that I need to nip in the bud now before they do end up taking hold and biting me on the arse again as to be completely honest I hadn't really paid them much attention and actually did think I was doing OK.
So since I started re-blogging, I've re-read quite a few of my old posts and some thought patterns of 'oooh I could do that again but it not get out of control' have started creeping in. Some old behaviours have also started happening, which again until writing this blog I didn't realise were so many little things.
As much as the gardening has been a release for me mentally, it has also been my sneaky way of being physically active and my 'I'll only do an hour and then rest', never happens as I keep pushing through to do one more section, then one more as it has mentally become an obsessive way to get in my exercise. I've also been doing sneaky weigh in's that started as a couple of times a week but are now daily and sometimes even more than once a day, of course then I am silently disappointed that there has been no change or only a couple of hundred grams lost. I have been slowly cutting my portions down using the excuse that 'I'm full' - most days I only eat the one meal and just get the bulk of my calories from my cups of tea with a sugar in it. On the days when I do binge or eat more than I feel I should have I've been chugging a big glass of water straight after so that it doesn't stay down...even though I have very little fluid in my band, a drink after eating ensures that everything comes back up without needing to actually heave and potentially cause damage to the band. I have also reached the point that I am uncomfortable and unhappy in my own skin and not wanting to go out because of it, making jokes at my own expense so that I get in before anyone else does and pretending that it doesn't bother me as its a result of being 'loved up'.
Let's face it, I have chubbed up and whilst I know I am not at my before weight of 127.5kg (I've been doing comparison pics again) and not even in triple figures...I feel as though I am right back there again, in that place of self loathing and yet so in love and happy with everything else in my life except the that way I look.
Yes, I know that I had to give up training for medical reasons and that I have been on corticosteroids on and off for the past 18 months which doesn't help (especially with puffiness) BUT I also know that I could of watched my nutrition better and gone for slow leisurely short walks. I am so disappointed in myself for not doing that.
Admittedly I did try to do the slow leisurely walk thing in the beginning but I kept trying to up my pace, or increase my distance which only resulted in my immune system crashing rather than the walk helping to boost it - something that instead of mentally fighting I decided to give up on altogether. I miss training, that feeling of being pushed to the limit and thinking I'm going to puke but reaching the other side feeling energised and empowered. I feel like I worked so hard to achieve what I had and now its all gone and I will have to work twice as hard to get it all back again. I know its a lot of the reason I have lost my passion for training others. I felt like I didn't fit in the industry when I was training and 15kgs lighter and now I'm even more ashamed of myself.
I know that I need to start making some changes to drop this excess weight and to do some gentle exercise, and I know that I have the skills to do it in a way that is healthy and not destructive.
The first step though had to be getting it out in the open and admitting what was happening. Funny how I believe honesty is the best policy and yet when it comes to this topic you pull out all stops to be sneaky and cunning so that no one sees it - not even yourself!
Anyway, I am thankful that I was made to face this reality today and that it opened my eyes to what has been going on before it did get out of control.
I have sat and shared with this blog with Mark tonight and whilst he was aware of bits and pieces and keeping an eye on me, he hadn't realised that I was hiding so much and again, nor had I *sigh*.
My plan of attack is:
I get to keep gardening but Mark is going to insist on me resting more which will also help me not to end up with a sore throat at the end of the day.
I am going to have a shake for breakfast and lunch, remove my sugar from my tea and go back to almond milk.
My dinners are usually always on the healthy side so I will eat what I am supposed to.
I am going to make an appointment to have my band tightened so that I am actually full and not just saying I am as this will stop my binging.
I going to go for a walk around the block 3 times a week in a slow leisurely pace and if I find myself pushing I will just give myself a 'pep talk'.
I am going to stop comparing myself to my before and afters and just focus on the now being a little gentle of the fact that there are legitimate reasons as to why I am here and that yes, I could of done this and that but no amount of negative self talk will change it.
I am not going to read any more past blogs and if I.do they will be the ones reminding me why I fought this shit in the first place.
I've got this...I've beaten it before when it was way worse so I sure as heck can do it again. You know, I am hoping with everything that a beautiful young girl can turn things around...what kind of a role model am I if I'm not able to.
I am feeling so deflated right now, how did I not see it? I think it started back in August when I posted the sweet potato pic on my insta account about it weighing 800grams but hoping for more. As much as I convinced myself I was happy with small victories, I really wasn't.
Another thing that I know isn't helping is that I don't want to be a fat bride again whether we elope or not. Yes, I know he loves me as I am but I want to look awesome in our wedding pics and not look back on them and criticize them like all the other photos taken of me recently. A recent blog post I read has helped me to see how that thought pattern could be majorly detrimental though and I am so glad it was shared.
Oh and uni is another, the whole fitting an image thing - omfgosh why do I do this to myself. How many fricking times do I have to remind myself that its not about how you look but what you have to offer and can inspire in others.
Oh well, it is what it is...no use letting it eat me up inside when I have so much to be thankful for and some hard work ahead of me.
One step at a time and they say the first step is the hardest.
