It comes in threes...

For those unaware, I am now waiting on three, yes '3', different operations!

1.  Lapbad port revision

I discovered in January 2020 that my port has done a 180 degree flip.  This means that they are unable to get the syringe in to draw any fluid out, or put any fluid in.  I got called in to have the operation done only a few weeks after the mastectomy, but for obvious reasons said no! 

2.  Additional Breast Surgery

More tissue transfer to get the breast size even, and provide fullness.  As well as fix and smooth out the scarring.

3.  Hysterectomy 

This has been recommended by both the team at the familial cancer centre, and the gynecologist due to previous abnormal checks, high risk and various issues.  Paperwork has been submitted and I am on the 90 day waiting list as Category 2.  

Waiting isn't so bad...

In saying that though, due to Covid-19 putting a hold on elective surgeries, when they will happen is anyones guess.

As much as I'd love to get them all over and done with, this waiting period is allowing me the opportunity to focus on getting in tip top shape and becoming 'op-ready'.  

Confession Time...

Unfortunately, during my recovery time, the sedentary lifestyle has seen me put on a whole 8 kilos eeekkk, and I have reached a point where I am ultra uncomfortable in my own skin.  I am thankful that I realised my downward spiral before I entered triple figures...just!

My Goal...

-  To be op-ready; mentally and physically strong, healthy, and lighter!

My plan...

- Move more by walking (aim of 10,000 steps per day) and doing physiotherapy exercises.  Not only will this improve physical stamina and strength, I am hoping that coupled with the next goal it will see the scales and tape measurement numbers go down.

- Be more mindful of my unhealthy food choices, and make small gradual changes to improve nutrition.  e.g. drink more water, reduce sugar in cuppas, cut back on crappy carbs!

- Keep my mental health strong by attending psychology appointments, and keeping it real!

-  Most importantly, I will listen to my body, and not get down on myself if I don't reach my steps, or am too sore to do my physio session.

My thoughts...

I am pissed off at myself, and totally embarrassed to be here in this place again!  But, I will forgive myself, and I will show myself love by working hard to reach a place where I will stand tall with pride.  I've done it before so I know it can be done, even with the restrictions that I face.

When I get there, I will share my before photo, so be sure to stay tuned!

Read more "It comes in threes..."

Feb 17th to 23rd 2020

Okay, I know that this is like 3 months ago now, but here it is anyway!

Monday 17th...

One week before the big O!

Today was one of THOSE days!  

Remembering, we still do not have proper plumbing, which adds a whole other level of blergh kinda shittyness!

It was school photos day (of which I prepaid $100+ for), BUT Jazz had a viral infection, and Ace had severely sprained his thumb, so both did not go to school.  In addition, Mark had 'Bali Belly' AND I (me, me, me!!!) really needed to get a shit tonne of stuff done before OP day!

So, first thing in the 'am', I call the school to ask what time photos are.  As always they give me the run around; I swear they couldn't organise a root in a brothel!  I finally get the info, and we set alarms for 3 different photo times...yep, 3 different freaking times!  You'd think considering the circumstances, but no, reception is a major bitch!

Jazz is up first at 9.30am and the plan is for Mark to head off to do his fasting blood test for cholesterol, come back to pick up Jazz and take him to school, so that I can go to my 9.40am appointment in Darley...yes, opposite ends of town.  Long story short, Mark ends up on the shitter and can't get back in time so I have to juggle (drop Jazz and then drive - AT the speed limit, rather than my usual way under it).  Thankfully, Mark was able to pick him up after the photos so I didn't have to worry about being in two places at once.

So, I go to docs and get enough scripts to open my own pharmacy...melatonin, primulut - the stop period stuff, tamaze, targin...list goes on and on!

From docs I make a quick trip home to check that stuff is getting done...I mean, I did gardening and managed housework when I was running to the loo; just gotta man the frig up as I don't have time to be compassionate today.  Bitchy I know but seriously stressed AF!

Give list of jobs that NEED doing, instructions for sibling pics, and off I go to try and find some button front tops for after the op.  Yes, during the packing check I realised I had only gotten PJs, a summer dress and two kimonos...hmmm not nearly enough!

The Hospital Op Shop (HOS) only had limited items and mostly old fashioned items, so I also visited the salvos and there I found myself some good tops at a bargain; mind you not as much of one as compared to the HOS.

After shopping, I got home and jack shit had been done, worse yet the freaking sibling photo form was still sitting on the table...like WTF!!!  Okay, so they had pics done, but how will the photographer know who they are and what pack we want huh?  Luckily they were still down there to drop off the form and explain what happened *waste of my time grrr*.

Then it was home again to run around like a headless chook.  To be honest, it wouldn't have been so bad if doing a load of washing wasn't such an arduous chore; filling the machine meant running to the back yard to turn on garden tap (Mark cleverly set it up that way, otherwise I would have no washing machine at all), running back inside to make sure hose was in the machine properly, and then running back out again just before it reached the fill limit (this got done for the rinse cycle too :/ ).  Mind you, it was better than not having a machine at all, so I should be grateful really!

The afternoon consisted of more photos and another trip to the doctors as a family, where Mark didn't put his hand up and mention he was unwell.  This pissed me well and truly the f^@/ off as I am sick of telling him that if he doesn't look after himself; which means taking medication when supposed to AND following doctors orders, then he can't properly look after ME!  Can't half tell I was in a mood hey, but seriously so much to do in very little time and a valid point!

Tuesday 18th...

You know that mood I was in yesterday? Well, it's not much better today!

Oh thats right, TTOTM is due this week which explains it I guess!

Plumbers arrived at 8am, so we are hoping that when we get back today we will have running hot AND cold water inside.  It would be great if I had a laundry sink again too.  Did I tell you that because I've had times of umm...running to the loo, we set up our bed out in the bungalow.

We were in Williamstown by 9.45am today to see the specialist about the Lapband Op.  $220 (well, I get $75 back) and 15 minutes later...yup, holy crap, forms for op were filled in and we were on the way to St.Albans for the next appointment.

Today was HIDA scan day.  It was relatively painless, other than the part where he put the canula in and I left a puddle, yes a puddle of blood on the floor.  Oh, and having to drink a horrible think warm milk drink.  

This huge machine was Bulk Billed...go figure!

Results came back as all clear which is good, but means still no answer...until the gynocologist makes appointment anyway, now I am even more convinced its bowel endometriosis!

We got home just on lunch time and plumbers were still working...in the pouring rain and mud!  They have labelled our place...the house from hell as apparently the pipes are as old as the house.  BUT...we have an inside toilet and shower again.  Washing maching taps...unfortunately NOT!  They will need to come back and fix that, and also give us plaster walls and a sink again.

I'm feeling very anxious tonight as my ocd is in overdrive...our plumbing still not being 100% fixed isn't helping let me tell you.  On top of the plumbing we have appointment after appointment which means limited time at home to pack, cook ahead and just generally get our home the way I like it...which then means it is cutting into the quality time I need with my family.  Gggaaahhh!

I know its just fear raising its head, and we all know that I won't let it win, but in this moment of now, it sure makes it hard to breathe! 

Wednesday 19th...

Today we were up and off to the RMH for an 8.30am appointment.  We gave the boys the day off as one of their mates had stayed over (long story) and didn't have his uniform or books and well, it was just easier to give them the day off, so they came with us.

It was closer to 9.30am when I was called in, by Deans assistant Kelly; the skinny girl with big teeth, big glasses and an annoying American accent.  My heart sank initially at it being her, but thankfully Dean came in later.  They ran through the op and told me that I would be left with 'fat knees' after this round, but they would fix them up next time by making it a slightly bigger and more complicated operation.  I asked about using my dog ears (flabby bits from where drain tubes were in for my tummy tuck) and unfortunately he doesn't think he can fix them for me, as part of the prophylactic process anyhow.  What he did say is that what I really need, is a full body lift.  Hmmmm, is it worth it really?  I mean I'm 45 and have grown to love me as I am.

Anyway, Monday is all set to go!  Eekkk shit is getting real!

Thursday 20th...

Plumper came back again today, this time to fix laundry taps! We still have to run a hose out the window for the waste water, but thank goodness theres no more running back and forth to the backyard to run the tap.

Got TTOTM today!  Oh did I tell you, I can't take the stop period tablets due to the risk of it causing blood clots?  So, not ideal for the op and thats why today the bloodgates (see what I did there?) of hell are a flowing *sigh*.

Today Mark had his urology appointment in Ballarat.  It was at 2.30pm, and he was called in at 4.30pm O.M.G!!!  Worst part was it wasn't helpful - AT ALL!

Friday 21st...

Another day of running around.

No school for Ace as thumb too sore (did I tell you he sprained it on the trampoline?!?), so off to doctors who confirmed its definitely not broken, but just needs a good brace.  Brace bought, bank account empty, but fingers crossed it helps.

Pic taken before the fancy brace!

Boys were supposed to go to Glenns this weekend, but we didn't hear from him again.  Haven't heard from him since the whole Jo thing...blows my mind how he can choose a child abusing skank over his own kids.  As I've said before, its his loss.

Worked out well though, as we brought Hosannas contact forward, as I will either still be in hospital, or just be getting home next Friday and contact then will just be too hard!

Oh did I tell you we have full plumbing inside?  Unfortunately though, we don't have plaster on the laundry wall OR a laundry sink :(

Saturday 22nd...

Today was massage day!  Oh how I needed and deserved that.  I could of definatey had a double though!  I wonder how long before I'm 'allowed' a massage after my surgery, I'm guessing I won't be able to lie on my tummy for a while.

Apart from a few more boring things to tick off my to do list, I have 'almost' reached the point of surrender!  Not long now...

Sunday 23rd...

Aaarrrrrrrrrhhhh - add every expletive deletive you can think off - yup even the one that makes me want to wash my own mouth out with soap!

Yup I'm sharing a snotty nosed red eyed crying pic because its real!

Plumbing has gone AGAIN!  On a plus, plumber is here checking it out BUT it is not a quick fix and not going to be sorted before I go in to hospital tomorrow, and who knows about when I come home!

To say I am not dealing real well right now is an understatement!  It is one thing to know that after tomorrow I will need to give up control and just surrender to the process, allowing myself to be completely vulnerable and reliant upon everyone else when things are organised, but THIS just adds a whole other level of stress!  

I mean, I need a toilet INSIDE FFS (yes, it's a positive we have one at all, but omg it is not going to be an easy walk to the loo...see pic for why)!  

Need to breathe! Need to surrender!  Need to pray, trust, scream, cry, drink a bottle of tequila...NEED PLUMBING ISSUE FIXED!!! 

Okay so I could be feeling nervous which has heightened all my emotions.  But, everything has been ticked off my list, I've updated my will and have everything packed and out in the car ready for an early start tomorrow.

See you all on the flip side hey, with a majorly reduced risk of my boobs trying to kill me.  

P.S.  I will post a separate blog to show you what I packed and go through my checklist.

Read more "Feb 17th to 23rd 2020"

No answers = answers

Hey ya'll,

I thought I would pop in and give you a brief (hahaha who are we kidding, like seriously not gonna happen!) update on whats been going on in the life of moi.  

GASTRO/COLONOSCOPY

10th February 2020

I mentioned in a previous blog (HERE) that I was going for a gastro/colonoscopy to see if they could answer the mysterious question of:

'What is causing this lower left abdominal pain and the 'IBS' type symptomology I have been experiencing' since January 2nd?  

Lets just say preparation was not fun to say the least!  But, my wonderful family did help lighten the mood by making lots of poop related jokes, at my expense ofcourse!  Jazz was especially funny as he just couldn't figure out how the camera could fit up my bum LOL.

And here I was thinking it smelt okay so couldn't be THAT bad...WRONG, unless you enjoy drinking straight triple concentrated sugary lemon cordial that is *YUCK*

One litre of goopy mix in an hour and omgoodness my poor tummy was so full.  By the last sachet mix, I was well and truly in struggle town.

Thankfully, the actual procedure was a breeze in comparison, all due to a special milky substance that sent me off to la la land.  I was in full form too, even waved and said goodnight to every nurse in the room LOL.  What is a bit freaky though is that I cannot remember going from the recovery room to the sitting room where I had a cup of tea made just the way I like it.  Which makes me think they must have asked and I answered.  I wonder what else I said *shudders at the thought*.

My Gut

Up my butt!

How cool are these pics of the insides of me...never thought you'd ever see THAT side of me did ya huh!

RESULTS

Gastrocope results showed that I do indeed have reflex/heartburn (ummm derrr), which is due to a pouch in my lapband (well s%£+).  This has caused a fundic gland (I think that's its name) polyp.  Well actually, it is caused due do to a push back reaction to the heartburn medication that I have been taking.  It is definitely time to go back onto my Iberogast I do believe, which is a natural alternative to the proton pump inhibitors (eg. Pantoprazole).

Colonscopy results revealed rectal polyps, which were removed and sent off for testing.  Thankfully, they were BENIGN *phew*.  Due to finding them, I now need to be checked every 5 years.

THERE'S ALWAYS A BUT...

Speaking of butts, even though those things were discovered, the specialist sadly informed me that they are NOT the answers we were indeed searching for.  Which means that next week I am off for a HIDA scan whereby I will be intravenously injected with radioactive tracer so they can view my liver, gallbladder, bile ducts, and small intestine. Maybe that will answer THE question, or maybe not!

To be completely real with you, my gut (no pun intended) believes that it is indeed bowel endometriosis.  But, ofcourse the one specialist I am STILL waiting on, is the gynecologist!  And I just repeated myself as I said it HERE too!

LAPBAND SURGEON

Oh, next week (on the same day as HIDA scan...one at 9.45am in Williamstown, and the other at 11.00am in St.Albans) I will be seeing the lapband surgeon to address the flipped port mentioned previously HERE, which could, maybe, also correct the pouch (Read HERE to find out what a pouch is...yes, its not the first time) - oh please let it be that easy!  If it doesn't fix it that way my options are: 

a) Remove the band.

This scares the absolute shit out of me!

Recently I've been reading back on some of my old blog posts, which considering the 'weight' related content, could be quite dangerous for someone on the wagon  from an eating disorder (always will be)...same applies for looking back on photographs,  hmmm actually they are quite possibly the biggest of triggers.  Anyway, they've got me thinking about how different my life is now in comparison to the weight obsessed version of old.  Don't get me wrong, I still have moments nowadays where I worry about how I look, especially if I see photos where I look huge, or running into someone I haven't seen in a while...you know the whole I've put on weight since they last saw me thing. 

However, I have found the ability to quickly remind myself that my weight does not define me.  And as much as I don't like to admitt it perhaps there is an element of having someone in my life who doesn't see me for my size, and as a rssult has helped me see all the other little things that add up to make me uniquely me, regardless of what size I am.

Just to remind myself...

I am fun and quirky and love with passion beyond words.

I am determined, stubborn and driven.

I am organised and structured but also love to just fly by the seat of my pants every now and then.

I am creative and arty and see the beauty in things others find mundane.

I am positive,  optimistic and love my bifocal rose coloured glasses, half glass full mentality.

I have amazing people in my life who offer friendship, love and support.

There are so many things that make me ME; my weight is only the vechile in which holds it all.

So as I was saying, I am scared.  Scared of possibly ending uo back in both ends of the scale morbidly obese, or anorexic.  

b) Replace band with sleeve or bypass.  Nottle is leaning more towards the sleeve with me as apparently I'm not heavy enough for bypass (oh gosh still makes me shake my head and giggle in disbelief).  I've gotta say, I'm not actually opposed to option b, problem however. is that there is a 5+ year public waiting list.  Alternatively I can take out private health insurance which would probably see it happen within  year, but  I think we would struggle to fit into the budget. Then again we used to find money for smokes, which reminds me...

I am 60 days smokefree as of today 13th February 2020.

BREAST SURGERY

And the biggest news of all is that I got THE call today and (drum roll please)...

My BREAST SURGERY date has been set for Monday 24th February 2020...only 10 days away...holy frogballs, now it's real I'm packing my dacks eeekkk!

The above could obviously depend upon the results of my HIDA scan (although my inflammatory markers, blood sugar and vitals are all good for take off), so even though part of me is hoping it will hold the answers we are looking for, the other part does not want to miss this surgery date as my lumpy bits in my lumps have grown (still waiting on that call I mentioned HERE about the follow up diagnostics) and along with it my anxiety.

Ohhhh and talking about the surgery date, guess who is due to get her nightmare of a monthly visitor a few days before...blergh!  So, given how bloody horrible (literally) TTOTM is for me, I totally went against something I believe in and visited my GP for a magic pill to stop it; just during surgery and initial recovery, remembering that for the reconstruction they are taking muscle, skin, fat and blod vessels from my inner thighs (from groin down towards knee).  I certainly do not need that mess!

PLUMBING

Oooh that reminds me...the plumbing drama mentioned HERE still has not been resolved.  Thankfully however, after calling the real estate agent and explaining the fact that I am going for a huge op, and as such will NEED indoor plumbing, 15 days later 'some' progress has been made.  So okay sure we don't have plumbing inside again yet, but its a start!

NO ANSWER = ANSWER

Huh?

I mentioned in my last blog (HERE) that I had been a negative nelly and planned to do the work to turn my frown upside down.  The past few days I have spent very slowly (apart from my toilet dashes) pottering about in my garden, and as I have mentioned previously in my 'gardening' posts (see labels at bottom of page) I find it very meditative and cleansing.  Also, the fresh air and vitamin D from the sunshine helps me to think more clearly.  Which led me to the revelation that all these tests that are not providing us with an answer to our looming question, are actually giving us an answer.  They are telling us everything that the pain/symptomology are not!  Which in of itself is pretty insightful and makes the original daunting list of possibilities less daunting.  A huge thankyou to my little sis Marketta for helpin me find a different perspective!

Well thats it for now I think.  Until next time, sending LLP to you xo Tash.

Read more "No answers = answers "

Eeekkkk...life is crazy!

Its all becoming increasingly 'real'...I am going to be having surgery in only 2 more sleeps eeekkk!

To say I have been a major stress head the past week or so is an understatement and a half but the haze seems to be lifting a little despite the nerves elevating.

WORK

I finished work for the year on Friday so that I could have this coming week to tie up a few personal loose ends and also to spend time with my fam'.  I am allowing myself 6 weeks off work which is stressful financially but I think is better for me personally to ensure a good recovery time.  It can always change if I've bounced back quicker and we are on the desperate side.

UNI

Last week I dropped out of uni...well, not completely only the November intake that I have been doing for the past 4 weeks.  I pretty much just swapped into the December intake which started today.  Sounds crazy yeah that I will restart only days before my op? Unfortunately though it was the best option.

I could of gotten extensions for my assignments (mind you only those worth 20% or more could be extended and there were quite a few under that which I would of had to try and get done) but it was only a 2 weeks max extension.  Basically it would of meant I was constantly running behind the 8 ball to catch up and we all know how well I cope with that...both the running and being behind LOL.

Option 2 was the one I took - swapping from Nov to Dec.  I would of preferred to re-enrol for Jan but I couldn't unless I forked out some big bucks to fund it myself and well, its Christmas and my money has been used to spoil my kids.  

Whilst not perfect it is still a load off as doing it this way means that I wont need to worry for the next 4 weeks as I have already done that part of the course.

  

Unfortunately it does mean that my exam week falls on the same week as the court contest which sucks.  On a plus though the uni is only a few blocks from court and its only for 90 minutes so I will be able to do both.  The other hurdle we will need to work around is that Aces first high school camp is also that week and I really want to be able to drop him off and pick him up.  Enough stressing about that now though we will deal with that when the time comes!

Oh have I also mentioned that it is ALOT of work...omgoodness once I am back on my feet I need to work a schedule out that will fit better as late night catch ups are exhausting.  I am enjoying it though.   I am loving learning about the different healing styles of the cultures throughout history and the challenge of chemistry is keeping me on my toes.

CHRISTMAS

Our decorations are all up - actually we did them early as I needed to have it ticked off my to do list.

When the boys were decorating the tree they said 'Mum! Did you and Mark miss a piece when you set up the tree? It looks like its shrunk!' LOL Ummm No!! Stop bloody growing up too fast holy cow!! Last year we needed to lift them up to do the star this year they can reach on their own.  Omgoodness where did the time go!

So up until Saturday morning I had been stressing about not having stuff ready for Christmas BUT after a mad dash around the shops on Friday and again on Saturday, I think I have it all under control.  We have a few things we are waiting on to arrive via post but at least its been ordered.  I am sure I will have forgotten a few bits and pieces but I will just have to send Mark down to get them.

JEFFAL

We received a special delivery from the North Pole on December 1st - a scout elf that the boys have named Jeffal (Jeffrey Alex LOL).  It's nice to have our very own Hurst-Smith-Shilling tradition.  So far he has been found in the cereal box which the boys found hilarious.  This morning he was still sitting in the tree...oops, we told the boys that as he must not of needed to go off to the North Pole to give Santa a progress report as they had spent the weekend at Glenn's - they seemed to buy it.  I wonder where he will be found in the morning?   

 

LAPBAND

Today I went in and had a whole 4mls of fluid taken out of my band.  I was so nervous the whole way to Williamstown thinking it was going to be a nightmare but luckily he got it first go 'phew'.  4mls is heaps to have out but the last thing I want after my op is to be spewing up and possibly damaging my throat so it had to be done. 

BIKES

I don't know if I mentioned that a few weeks away some arsehole waltzed through our backyard and stole Mark and Aces bikes?  So anyway without saying too much the police followed a lead that didn't have an outcome on the day but only a week later Aces bike was miraculously handed in to the police station in the suburb where the investigation was made...coincidental much?  All that aside Ace was so happy to have his bike back.

No sign of Marks bike but he was given a bike as a replacement which is almost brand new.  We feel so blessed by such a kind gesture and its a major load off not having to stress about how to we were going to find the money to buy him a new one.

HIGH SCHOOL

Ace had his first ever high school experience last week and loved it.  I was stressing a bit but the fact he gave me a kiss and cuddle in front of everyone when I said goodbye melted my heart and gave me one of those 'thats my boy' moments.  Tonight we had an info night and tomorrow is the proper Orientation day.

Unfortunately one of 'Satans' kids are going there next year which is a bit of a worry but we have spoken to the school and made them aware of "everything".  I also know a few of the staff too so they will keep an eye on Ace which is comforting. 

SCHOOL INTERVIEWS

In my madness to get everything in order before my operation I even managed to bring our parent teacher interviews forward.  I am so proud of the progress that both of my boys have made this year.  The main thing said about each of them was how they are just genuinely good, kind, caring boys and that for me is more important than grades.  Unfortunately I didn't get to do Jazz's specialised interview so it will be interesting trying to do it after the op LOL.

WEEKEND AWAY

My sister and her fam' gave Mark and I a night away as a combined Birthday/Engagement gift.  So on Saturday we headed off to Torquay and spent the night in the Peppers Sands Resort.   We went for walk along the beach and then pretty much locked ourselves away in our room.   It was so good being away from everything and just simply being in each others company.  It was the recharge we needed.

SWIMMING POOL 

Something I had been stressing over was getting the pool up for the boys (Mum's Christmas gift to them), thankfully though Glenn came up tonight and he and Mark did it together while I took Ace to his high school info night. I know I have said it before but I am truly thankful that we can all get along the way we do. 

CHIRO SESSIONS

Last week I started some pre-op Chiropractic sessions which include Low Level Laser therapy which is said to stimulate and encourage the cells to function - hence boosting immunity and recovery.  I am so thankful to Mark for organising it for me and even more thankful that it has been given as a gift.  Oh golly I will certainly be paying forward all these acts of kindness once I am on my feet again.

WRAP UP  

So anyway, that's that...I could bore you with the list of things I still need / want done before my op but I won't because as Mum my said last week, 'The time will pass anyway whether you are ready for it or not, so there is no use stressing over tomorrow'.  Wise lady that one! I am so glad that we found our way back to each other - I will never allow my pride to get in the way of what matters most ever again.  Time is something that you can never get back.

Read more "Eeekkkk...life is crazy!"

I've been quiet of late...

I've been a bit quiet of late with regards to this blog and so I thought I would write to fill you all in on whats been going on.

Grab a cuppa you are going to need it :)

It seems ironic that someone can be so happy and yet so over the existence of their life at the same time and yet that's where I am right now.  I know that life is the culmination of the good and the bad experiences and that you make the most out of the hand you are dealt at the time but in all seriousness, right now I am so sick and tired of the inconsistency of my life because of being sick and tired.  I know that this too shall pass, that I just need to keep being patient and doing all I can until I get the operation that I am desperately hoping will actually fix what is going on, and that I have an abundance of things to be grateful for so me complaining is like me being ungrateful, BUT just let me indulge in a rant, whinge, whine before I put my positive polly hat back on, K?

So things had been running pretty smoothly, I was working, studying, dealing with life and getting stuff organised just in case come Nov 17 I get an operation date for this year.  I had even seen my counsellor and had a really good session walking out knowing exactly what I wanted to focus on in future sessions (I will talk more about that later).  Admittedly I was tired; it's normal with a low immune system but I was pushing through and kicking goals.

TONSILLITIS AGAIN!

So on Wednesday 6th; omgoodness 2 weeks ago now, after work, a counselling session and a date with Mum, I took my 12 year old (Ace) to the doctor to get his immunisations.  He has a fear of needles so rather than have them in front of all the year 7's next year we felt this way was better -  see I was organised and getting stuff done.  I have even ordered his birthday present for January, made a start on Christmas stuff, ordered his uniform for high school next year - well the logo stuff anyway the rest I will get from Best'n'Less as its way cheaper and I'd done a heap of other little bits and bobs too. 

So here we were at the doctors for Ace to have his needles and as I was 'looking pretty ordinary' - the nice way to say you look like shit LOL the doctor checked me too. I had seen him the Friday before as I needed some paper work filled in for my Uni course and at that time my tonsils were red and swollen but not infected.  This time however, I had a fever and my tonsils were huge and covered in puss - ewww, sorry for the gross mental image.  Not only did Ace get his shots but I also started weekly antibiotic jabs to the butt - again!  

That night I ended up with a rash EVERYWHERE and so needed phenergan to help counteract it.  Unfortunately the medication has a low strain of penicillin and I'm allergic to penicillin but it is the medication that actually works for me so it comes down to choosing the lesser of two evils:  a) tonsillitis or b) the drug that actually helps to get rid of the tonsillitis but leaves me all itchy and blotchy and sees me taking another drug to counteract the side effect but comes with its own side effect of sending me into la la land.  I have been getting a rash on and off now since then, yesterday I woke up with one, it is so annoying!

OK what's next?  One of the other things I did when I was getting all my shit organised was make a lap band appointment.  So, the next day I went and got my band tightened - and so begins the next saga. 

I must be like totes awesome!

LAP BAND ADJUSTMENT!

After the dreaded weigh in which wasn't actually that bad as I had come down 2.9kg since my last appointment in May, it was a crunch, quick jab in the gut to put a whole 2ml in and a 'suck it up (literally - liquids only in other words) over the weekend, but if it's too tight come back next week' from the specialist.

At first it wasn't that bad but by Friday afternoon, I was back on mylanta and milk to help with my heartburn (reminds me of a funny story about me ordering milk from a pub back in my gigging days LOL).  The mental hunger had also set in but I can mentally talk myself around that.  By late Sunday afternoon I couldn't keep any fluids down at all, including my own saliva - my silly fault for attempting a soup with corn in it for lunch...not a good move.  First thing Monday morning I made an emergency appointment to have some fluid out.

I can't believe that living with my band that tight used to be my daily existence, yes I lost a whole 2.5kg in only a couple of days but it was horrible - a good reminder of what I never want to go back to.

So anyway, here I was thinking I will go in, get another jab, have fluid taken out and all will be hunky dory...unfortunately it didn't quite go that way.  

After the fourth unsuccessful jab in the gut to find my port I was sent off to have it done under a CT Scan, unless worst case scenario it had flipped which would then mean urgent surgery.  Holy flipping frog balls! You can imagine the panic I went into...I have a wedding to photograph on Saturday so would have to find someone else to do it and then come up with the money to pay them for it; What if it means my chances of getting surgery for my tonsils is less; I'd have to cancel all my clients for the week (which ended up being the case anyway); I'd have to call and tell uni; I'd have to organise someone to watch the boys...all these thoughts and more all within in the time it took to walk from the building I was in, next door to the other one - a million miles per hour plus some!

So anyway I go in for my CT Scan, lay down on the machine and they take their scans, then the nurse comes in and offers me a local anesthetic and I say 'Yes please' (I had been jabbed and poked 4 times without an anesthetic so was sore), they give me that and prep me for the procedure and then the doc comes in and starts doing his thing.  

'Hmmm, its a bit tricky isn't it', the doctor hits the side of the port - at least it wasn't my rib like the last jab.  He pulls it out and jabs again - needle number 7!  There's lots of jiggling the needle around, checking of the monitor to see if its getting close, more jiggling, more checking, more 'hmmm's' and then finally success, he gets it and takes out 1ml, hallelujah!  Oh did I mention that during all these attempts I had to hold a crunch as the port is embedded in my muscle?  There is definitely a six pack under all this flab.

Next, they send me off to the waiting room with a glass of water to see if I could keep it down - yay, another success!  Then it was back next door to show the specialist the results.  Bottom line was liquids and mush only for the next couple of days and if too tight come back and he will attempt an adjustment.  If however, I need to have it done under ct again then I will be referred for surgery.  Anyway so far all is good and everything is going down...oh it is so good to be able to enjoy the simple pleasure of a cup of tea.

I can tell you know, I am not going back until I get a surgery date for my tonsils and then it will only be to have ALL fluid taken out so that I can have the tonsil surgery (if the bands too tight they can't get tubes down), if I need surgery for the band it will have to wait until after my tonsil recovery.  

LOW IRON LEVELS!

The next day, I had another GP appointment and tonsils are looking better, not 100% but thankfully, no need for any more jabs -  I just need rest!  He was however concerned that I look pale and my blood pressure is high (it's normally low) and so I have to go get some bloods taken.  We already know I'm anemic and not eating for a couple of days wouldn't of helped so it isn't a surprise and the stress of everything with the adjustment the day before wouldn't of helped the BP but he said its still good to check everything out.  I think they just like using me as a pin cushion!

Oh, he put me on the scales too and in one day I had already gone up .5kg.  I knew as soon as something went in it would be inevitable AND it was fully dressed with shoes on so not really accurate compared to the specialists the day before.  I am dreading weighing at home though...even though I know that it was an unhealthy loss because of not putting anything in, the thought of the scales going up freaks me out.  Hmmm OK let's put this into perspective...I will be OK with a 1kg increase, maybe!  I definitely want it down before I got to my appointment on the 17th of next month though.

So that's that...what else can I share?

STUDY!

I am loving studying albeit only doing the refresher (enabling) courses at the moment, I officially start my course on the 7th of November...10 days before I find out if I will get my operation this year or not.  The uni has said they are willing to make suitable allowances for me when it finally happens which will mean that I won't need to stress about getting assessments in or sitting exams during the operation / recovery time.      

I was approved for credits in about 8 subjects which is a huge load off both mentally and financially, chemistry was not one of those subjects though.  I did an online Quiz assessment yesterday for my Module 2 Chemistry enabling course and got 75% which is not bad considering it's been over 20 years since I last did any proper chemistry or maths stuff like algebra.  I have 2 more enabling Chemistry modules/quizzes to complete before uni officially starts and so at the moment I have gas laws, chemical equations and chemical elements floating around in this head of mine.  I've memorised up to element number 40 (still heaps to try and add to the memory bank) using a song to the tune of  the cancan, some days I can't get the bloody tune out of my head but it is working so that's good...maybe!

COUNSELLING SESSION!

In my counselling session we covered heaps of stuff in the hour...

Me, feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Me, being totally stressed out over our finances or the lack there of at the moment because I've had to cancel clients due to being unwell which then has me worrying about how I'm going to pay for everything Ace needs for high school next year, as well as Christmas and Ace's birthday AND also the inconsistency in running my business as I'm OK one day but feeling like crap the next.

Me, being completely over the inconsistency of my life but also happy with that which is in my life.

Me, having some reservations about moving to the next step of my relationship with Mark (you know...the 'M' word) because of worrying about the outcome of court and feeling like we are in limbo, stuff from our past relationships, others not being happy.  Mark is my forever, that part I have no reservations about at all.  I love him! I love the way he loves me!  Us loving each other is AMAZING!  He makes me so sickeningly (I use this word as he makes me feel like a love struck school girl who mopes when we are apart) happy!  I do quite often wonder though if its all too good to be true, I mean; how did I get to be this lucky?  Why me?  My counsellors response to that question was 'Why not, you?'  Good response!  I deserve to be happy and as 'in love' as I am, I am a good person!

Me, worrying about how I'm going to go in my uni exams as there is so much to remember.  Me worrying about the fact that 8 years is a big commitment...what if things change?  

That's just a scratch on the surface of what was covered...you can see why an hour is just not long enough huh.

Oh, can you see a pattern here?  Yes I have been worrying a lot despite KNOWING that worrying is pointless and just robs you from the joy of the NOW.  SO that is going to be our focus in further sessions.  Me, letting go of my worry and fears and instead focusing upon the now - MINDFULNESS!  No doubt blogs on said topic will follow so if I haven't bored you too much with this what has turned out to be an epic post, be sure to stay tuned.

MY BOYS!

Ace recently went on his school camp to Canberra for a whole week which he loved, I of course missed him like crazy.  He came home taller and with a slightly deeper voice which I can remember happening to my bf's son too.  He isn't really looking forward to his primary days ending and going to high school next year, I think its more nerves as some of his mates are going to different schools.  He also isn't one that likes school very much, he likes learning new things but not in a classroom environment.  If my boys weren't such a socialites I would consider homeschooling them (well Mark would do it as I don't have the patience), we will just see what time brings huh!  

Jazz has improved so much this year and a couple of weeks ago was awarded a certificate at his school assembly for 'student of the week'.  I think I have mentioned before that Jazz (Mr.10) has GDD (Global Development Delay) and so he has struggled a fair bit with things.  Since he has had a teachers aide though the improvements have been amazing and he can now read and write.  Admittedly it is not something that comes easily to him but he has the most beautiful handwriting and is getting more confidence to just give it a go.  He has tonsillitis (he takes after his Mumma) at the moment so the poor little mite isn't his usual high wire self, he has an appointment to see my Surgeon in December.  When he got the referral I jokingly said "if you get your tonsil out before me, I won't ever speak to you again", which he of course replied with "I will just tell them to do yours first Mummy cause' I don't want you not to talk to me"...I must remember that he takes everything literally.

Oooh I have to share something that was hilarious, if only I had of captured their facial expressions.  So with everything going on at court I felt it was incredibly important to talk to the boys about what was and wasn't inappropriate...you know the viewing of pornography and sexual touching. They have both done a sex ed class at school so I brought it up by asking if they remembered what was covered in the class.  The reply was 'we weren't really paying attention as we don't need to know about that crap yet', Jazz did remember stuff about the umbilical chord and found that fascinating but couldn't remember how the baby got there in the first place for there to be an umbilical chord, LOL bless his little innocent cotton socks.  So anyway I ended up having to tell them about the birds and the bees and the fact that sometimes things like that can pop up on the computer (they love watching things on you tube like the Shaytards, Tanner Fox, Dude sons).  Needless to say they were grossed out completely.  I am always checking the history anyway and am never very far away from being able to hear what they are watching but you can never really know and considering the horrible stuff that my eyes have been opened to I am even more vigilant about ensuring they are safe and doing the right things.  Which is more than I can say for another so called parent I know who is still allowing her kids to access pornography and brushing off wrong inappropriate behaviours because they are apparently just normal behavioural things (OMG NOT NORMAL AT ALL!), but let's not go there or else this blog will end up even more epic than it already is.

I am so incredibly proud of the young men that my boys are, of course they have moments where they give me the shits and bicker with each other but for the most part, they are both so well mannered, kind, caring, considerate and loving little men.  Glenn and I can be sure that we have at least done two really good things in our lives - Ace and Jazz!  I am so thankful that he and I are on the same page with regards to parenting them; our rules, our routines, what we believe is appropriate - although he is a little more lenient than I am.  Having Mark as an influence in their life is also a blessing, he loves them and considers them as his own and they they respect him in the same way.

They are both driving me nuts about Halloween at the moment though, I will be glad to see the back of it.  Although, then they will become obsessed with Christmas.  If them nagging me over going trick or treating is the worst thing I'm facing with them at the moment I really have nothing to complain about.

We don't have Walmart in Australia but its still valid...

Well, thats about it really...the ups, the downs and everything in between.

We have to go back to court on the 2nd of November, I start uni on the 7th of November, I go for my pre-op appointment at the hospital on the 17th of November...but how about I just focus on the rest of October first hey.

Mark's birthday is on the 28th of this month so we have the celebration of that to look forward to :)

Anyway until next time...love, light and peace to you all xoxo

PS.  THANK YOU for enduring this epic blog post.  

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