Change 4...End of a 14 year relationship...

START AND END OF A 14 YEAR RELATIONSHIP...

Glenn and I first separated in Dec 2012, with the boys and I going to live with my Mum to give Glenn a chance to find somewhere else (well technically it was the second time as we had separated for a little while just after Ace was born in Jan 2004 and decided to try again in the Apr 2004 but let's just forget that bit). Long story short we came to an agreement that we would move home and he would move into the bungalow at the back. 

That in itself was a change as I had to move my work space into the house and find something, somewhere to go every second weekend so that he could have time alone with the boys (if I stayed home I would of still had to do most of the parenting which defeats the purpose of it being his weekend). There were other changes too of course but reflecting on that now the only thing that us separating back then brought both of us was some freedom from each other and him freedom not to be a parent and partner on a daily basis.

Despite the separation (if you could really call it that) neither of us could truly move forward. Well, I kind of tried to, even though I know that it would never had eventuated to anything 'real' and was purely just a comfort thing...but enough about that, some lines should never be crossed!

Anyway after the shit hit the fan with my best friend (which I have previously blogged about) he was there for me (although he never let me forget about my 'mistake' despite me saying that in order for us to start again it needed to be left in the past) and I guess on some level I felt safe with what I knew and so we decided to try again (July 2013). 

Needless to say that after 18 months it ended again (December 2014), this time seeing him move out completely and I was faced with a whole new set of changes that I pretty much had to face alone as I had lost the support of my Mum (there is a previous blog about that also) and other close friendships (I had contemplated writing a blog about this but, it is what it is - quite simple as that. Do I miss it, yes of course just like I miss the dynamics of other friendships that have changed over the years. I hold no resentment or grudges though because as I said, it is what it is...some friendships stand the test of time and the hurdles along the way, others for whatever reasons associated don't and no amount of going over it will change that).

Glenn and I were together for a total of 14 years. I don't even know where to begin to describe our relationship other than to say when it was good it was AMAZING (and there were a lot of amazing times) but when it wasn't, it really wasn't (not talking and then only arguing when we did...basically living separate lives but trying desperately to make it work for the sake of the children....which is never the right reason as they aren't silly and always end up in the middle one way or the other). In the end, the bad times out weighed the good and we weren't happy together. I think we just had different ideals about what we expected from each other and what we wanted in life and we couldn't give each other those things. 

I very much live for my kids, they are my everything and everything I do is with them in mind - even if it can be too regimented and logical. Glenn, not so much. Not to say that he doesn't love the boys but he and I are just wired differently. 

A good example of that is this Fathers Day. As you may have read in a previous post Glenn came over for Father's Day and we spent some time together and had a great time at the park. What I didn't mention is that he didn't arrive until about 3.00pm and I had the boys asking me every five minutes when Dad was coming. When we rang him that morning at 11.00am he said he would be here soon. Now, I know that technically it was his kid free weekend but being that it was Fathers Day and the boys really wanted to see him, if it was me I would of made every effort to be there for them earlier.  

He ended up leaving at around 5.30pm to head to a family function...without the boys! Its not the first time and I am sure it won't be the last. Only a few weeks ago he attended another family dinner but yet again his two children were not considered. His excuse was, it was too much mucking around with his work and he just wanted to get there and back. Thing is, if he had of communicated with me (something that has always been lacking in our relationship...well clear open communication anyway) I would of been more than willing to drop them off and pick them up. 

Another example of him not putting his children first is that some weeks he is lucky to call them once because hes busy or tired. I struggle to go a weekend without speaking to my boys (or texting Glenn to see if they are OK) and as a parent I believe you drop everything for them as there will come a time when they will be grown up and living lives on their own and hopefully will make time for you just as you did for them...you know what I mean? Its also not like he has to call me to speak to them as he and my Mum brought Ace his own phone. That was done when neither of them were speaking to me...without my permission. He and Mum had an agreement to go halves in the monthly credit, he has had his phone for nearly two years and so far Glenn has given him $5 credit twice. Anyway I'm OK with Ace having a phone its only a simple one and all three of us at least agree with the no social media or using internet on his phone rule. It has also come in handy for him texting to say he and Jazz got to school safe of a morning and when he has gone to his mates places for sleep overs I always get a 'goodnight love you Mum' message. But enough about Ace and his phone I will be talking more about that in another blog.

Anyway...that's just who Glenn is and the older the boys get the more they are able to see it. When they talk to me about it, I tell them to discuss it with Dad but their answer is 'he won't listen'. Unfortunately it's sad but true as I have tried several times to discuss it with him and there has been no change, well I shouldn't say 'no change' as he will call everyday for a few days after we speak about it but its short lived...he probably figures its appeased us enough. So, I just reassure the boys that he loves them and that its worth trying to talk to him again.

So anyway the not putting the boys first, plus the constant argument over a motorbike (well more the lack of money needed for one - money was always something we argued about) on top of feeling as though I was not acknowledged, considered, appreciated, supported or heard... all just got to much for me to deal with. Those things may not seem like much but to me they are everything in a relationship even more so than physically intimacy; which is another thing that suffered in mine and Glenn's relationship towards the end and for him that is high on his list of what makes him happy. Funnily enough without sharing TMI...when I 'put out' he would be attentive and less self centred but for me its hard to give myself in that way without first feeling loved. Ironic that there was a time in my past that I thought sex = love or more so being wanted. It doesn't, well not for me anyway. Maybe while it is happening but love making starts in the kitchen so to speak. 

I don't want this to sound like me slinging shit at Glenn and blaming him for everything as I know that I played a big part of it all. I am not without my faults. I am stubborn and pig headed and expect the same from others as I expect of myself and that is hard enough for me to live up to let alone anyone else. I do put my kids before myself and anyone else and I can see how that would have made him feel unimportant when he is the reason for me having them in the first place. I also know that us having the additional person in the house didn't help and I didn't have his back when I should have. On top of that when I wasn't getting what I needed from him despite me voicing it repeatedly, I sought it from outside sources...whether that be in my friendships, community involvement, work or attention of another. In other words I'm not perfect and I own my share of our relationship failing. 

It broke my heart to admit defeat and give up on the fairy tale, but there comes a point that if neither of you are happy and a halfway point to change things can't be reached that you know the end of the line has come. In saying that you need to be happy in yourself too before you can be happy with others. One of the expectations that Glenn had on me was it was 'my job' to make him happy. Maybe to a point I agree but if that was the case then it should of worked both ways yeah.

Look, we tried, we really did probably beyond the point of where we should have but then again I also wonder if we could of both tried harder? Probably, but how much of yourself do need to let go of in order to make it work? 

Anyway, despite the hurt, resentment and anger when everything first fell apart and let me tell you it wasn't pretty, the things that still get to me and I am sure still get to him, I am happy to say that we are able to put our conflicts aside for the sake of the boys. We may not prioritize the boys in our lives the same way but we are on the same page when it comes to parenting them (admittedly he is more lenient) - that I think is huge.

I know that I will always be there as much as I possibly can for Glenn, he is the father of my children and I still love him despite sometimes not liking him or more his behaviours and attitude very much (him moving in with me and my partner in March of this year after he separated from his girlfriend and had no where to go proves that. As does letting his new girlfriend stay because she started working with him and it was too far to travel from her place - sometimes I wonder if I'm too nice and really do have the 'sucker' sticker on my forehead) and I'd love to think that he would do the same in return but lets just say that I hope I am never in a position for it to be tested.

Glenn has his motorbike now so is living the dream, as the saying goes. He is single again (kind of hmmm) and I really hope that he finds true happiness and someone who will love him as much as I used to once upon a time - like I said earlier, when it was good it was amazing but it just wasn't meant to be.

I'm so thankful for all the times we spent together both good and bad although its only the lessons that I'm thankful for there. I am also eternally grateful to him for the gift of our incredible children.

Glenn and I made a promise to each other before Ace was born that should we ever separate our child/ren would not be used as a pawn in a game. Glenn had been married previously and had children from that marriage who were used as just that and as I witnessed first hand the damage it did all round, it was an easy promise for me to make and most importantly for me/us to keep.

Glenn takes the boys every second weekend from after work on Friday to 5pm on Sunday (although most weeks he drops them early at around 3pm...I don't mind too much as it means we can get organised for the week ahead and have a nice quiet night together) and we meet half way to swap over. These days though I drop them to his place on Friday and he drops them here on the Sunday which gives us time for a cuppa and debrief about whats been going on in our/their lives.

He can also call whenever he likes and can have extra time during the week day / weekends if we don't have any plans - this isn't something that has happened though. We also share special occasions like birthdays, Easter and Christmas and he attends school functions if work permits (again...remembering that we prioritize our lives differently).

Regardless of it not always being roses we have been able to remain amicable and make agreements outside of court just as we promised.

I believe that Glenn being in the boys life is incredibly important he may not always behave in a way that I believe is good role model material but he is their 'real biological' Dad and he has some wonderful qualities...I fell in love with him for a reason and out of love for a reason but our children are a product of our love and they should never be made to choose, they didn't make the decision for us to live separate lives we did and so it is up to us to ensure that regardless of us no longer being together they know that they are still loved and they can love us both in return.

So that's that...I'm one of the lucky ones I guess but realistically I don't think it's luck I think its about making a choice and sticking to it regardless of how hard it can be and just so I'm keeping it real as good as it can appear on the surface there are cracks and some days are easier than others.

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I've been quiet of late...

I've been a bit quiet of late with regards to this blog and so I thought I would write to fill you all in on whats been going on.

Grab a cuppa you are going to need it :)

It seems ironic that someone can be so happy and yet so over the existence of their life at the same time and yet that's where I am right now.  I know that life is the culmination of the good and the bad experiences and that you make the most out of the hand you are dealt at the time but in all seriousness, right now I am so sick and tired of the inconsistency of my life because of being sick and tired.  I know that this too shall pass, that I just need to keep being patient and doing all I can until I get the operation that I am desperately hoping will actually fix what is going on, and that I have an abundance of things to be grateful for so me complaining is like me being ungrateful, BUT just let me indulge in a rant, whinge, whine before I put my positive polly hat back on, K?

So things had been running pretty smoothly, I was working, studying, dealing with life and getting stuff organised just in case come Nov 17 I get an operation date for this year.  I had even seen my counsellor and had a really good session walking out knowing exactly what I wanted to focus on in future sessions (I will talk more about that later).  Admittedly I was tired; it's normal with a low immune system but I was pushing through and kicking goals.

TONSILLITIS AGAIN!

So on Wednesday 6th; omgoodness 2 weeks ago now, after work, a counselling session and a date with Mum, I took my 12 year old (Ace) to the doctor to get his immunisations.  He has a fear of needles so rather than have them in front of all the year 7's next year we felt this way was better -  see I was organised and getting stuff done.  I have even ordered his birthday present for January, made a start on Christmas stuff, ordered his uniform for high school next year - well the logo stuff anyway the rest I will get from Best'n'Less as its way cheaper and I'd done a heap of other little bits and bobs too. 

So here we were at the doctors for Ace to have his needles and as I was 'looking pretty ordinary' - the nice way to say you look like shit LOL the doctor checked me too. I had seen him the Friday before as I needed some paper work filled in for my Uni course and at that time my tonsils were red and swollen but not infected.  This time however, I had a fever and my tonsils were huge and covered in puss - ewww, sorry for the gross mental image.  Not only did Ace get his shots but I also started weekly antibiotic jabs to the butt - again!  

That night I ended up with a rash EVERYWHERE and so needed phenergan to help counteract it.  Unfortunately the medication has a low strain of penicillin and I'm allergic to penicillin but it is the medication that actually works for me so it comes down to choosing the lesser of two evils:  a) tonsillitis or b) the drug that actually helps to get rid of the tonsillitis but leaves me all itchy and blotchy and sees me taking another drug to counteract the side effect but comes with its own side effect of sending me into la la land.  I have been getting a rash on and off now since then, yesterday I woke up with one, it is so annoying!

OK what's next?  One of the other things I did when I was getting all my shit organised was make a lap band appointment.  So, the next day I went and got my band tightened - and so begins the next saga. 

I must be like totes awesome!

LAP BAND ADJUSTMENT!

After the dreaded weigh in which wasn't actually that bad as I had come down 2.9kg since my last appointment in May, it was a crunch, quick jab in the gut to put a whole 2ml in and a 'suck it up (literally - liquids only in other words) over the weekend, but if it's too tight come back next week' from the specialist.

At first it wasn't that bad but by Friday afternoon, I was back on mylanta and milk to help with my heartburn (reminds me of a funny story about me ordering milk from a pub back in my gigging days LOL).  The mental hunger had also set in but I can mentally talk myself around that.  By late Sunday afternoon I couldn't keep any fluids down at all, including my own saliva - my silly fault for attempting a soup with corn in it for lunch...not a good move.  First thing Monday morning I made an emergency appointment to have some fluid out.

I can't believe that living with my band that tight used to be my daily existence, yes I lost a whole 2.5kg in only a couple of days but it was horrible - a good reminder of what I never want to go back to.

So anyway, here I was thinking I will go in, get another jab, have fluid taken out and all will be hunky dory...unfortunately it didn't quite go that way.  

After the fourth unsuccessful jab in the gut to find my port I was sent off to have it done under a CT Scan, unless worst case scenario it had flipped which would then mean urgent surgery.  Holy flipping frog balls! You can imagine the panic I went into...I have a wedding to photograph on Saturday so would have to find someone else to do it and then come up with the money to pay them for it; What if it means my chances of getting surgery for my tonsils is less; I'd have to cancel all my clients for the week (which ended up being the case anyway); I'd have to call and tell uni; I'd have to organise someone to watch the boys...all these thoughts and more all within in the time it took to walk from the building I was in, next door to the other one - a million miles per hour plus some!

So anyway I go in for my CT Scan, lay down on the machine and they take their scans, then the nurse comes in and offers me a local anesthetic and I say 'Yes please' (I had been jabbed and poked 4 times without an anesthetic so was sore), they give me that and prep me for the procedure and then the doc comes in and starts doing his thing.  

'Hmmm, its a bit tricky isn't it', the doctor hits the side of the port - at least it wasn't my rib like the last jab.  He pulls it out and jabs again - needle number 7!  There's lots of jiggling the needle around, checking of the monitor to see if its getting close, more jiggling, more checking, more 'hmmm's' and then finally success, he gets it and takes out 1ml, hallelujah!  Oh did I mention that during all these attempts I had to hold a crunch as the port is embedded in my muscle?  There is definitely a six pack under all this flab.

Next, they send me off to the waiting room with a glass of water to see if I could keep it down - yay, another success!  Then it was back next door to show the specialist the results.  Bottom line was liquids and mush only for the next couple of days and if too tight come back and he will attempt an adjustment.  If however, I need to have it done under ct again then I will be referred for surgery.  Anyway so far all is good and everything is going down...oh it is so good to be able to enjoy the simple pleasure of a cup of tea.

I can tell you know, I am not going back until I get a surgery date for my tonsils and then it will only be to have ALL fluid taken out so that I can have the tonsil surgery (if the bands too tight they can't get tubes down), if I need surgery for the band it will have to wait until after my tonsil recovery.  

LOW IRON LEVELS!

The next day, I had another GP appointment and tonsils are looking better, not 100% but thankfully, no need for any more jabs -  I just need rest!  He was however concerned that I look pale and my blood pressure is high (it's normally low) and so I have to go get some bloods taken.  We already know I'm anemic and not eating for a couple of days wouldn't of helped so it isn't a surprise and the stress of everything with the adjustment the day before wouldn't of helped the BP but he said its still good to check everything out.  I think they just like using me as a pin cushion!

Oh, he put me on the scales too and in one day I had already gone up .5kg.  I knew as soon as something went in it would be inevitable AND it was fully dressed with shoes on so not really accurate compared to the specialists the day before.  I am dreading weighing at home though...even though I know that it was an unhealthy loss because of not putting anything in, the thought of the scales going up freaks me out.  Hmmm OK let's put this into perspective...I will be OK with a 1kg increase, maybe!  I definitely want it down before I got to my appointment on the 17th of next month though.

So that's that...what else can I share?

STUDY!

I am loving studying albeit only doing the refresher (enabling) courses at the moment, I officially start my course on the 7th of November...10 days before I find out if I will get my operation this year or not.  The uni has said they are willing to make suitable allowances for me when it finally happens which will mean that I won't need to stress about getting assessments in or sitting exams during the operation / recovery time.      

I was approved for credits in about 8 subjects which is a huge load off both mentally and financially, chemistry was not one of those subjects though.  I did an online Quiz assessment yesterday for my Module 2 Chemistry enabling course and got 75% which is not bad considering it's been over 20 years since I last did any proper chemistry or maths stuff like algebra.  I have 2 more enabling Chemistry modules/quizzes to complete before uni officially starts and so at the moment I have gas laws, chemical equations and chemical elements floating around in this head of mine.  I've memorised up to element number 40 (still heaps to try and add to the memory bank) using a song to the tune of  the cancan, some days I can't get the bloody tune out of my head but it is working so that's good...maybe!

COUNSELLING SESSION!

In my counselling session we covered heaps of stuff in the hour...

Me, feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Me, being totally stressed out over our finances or the lack there of at the moment because I've had to cancel clients due to being unwell which then has me worrying about how I'm going to pay for everything Ace needs for high school next year, as well as Christmas and Ace's birthday AND also the inconsistency in running my business as I'm OK one day but feeling like crap the next.

Me, being completely over the inconsistency of my life but also happy with that which is in my life.

Me, having some reservations about moving to the next step of my relationship with Mark (you know...the 'M' word) because of worrying about the outcome of court and feeling like we are in limbo, stuff from our past relationships, others not being happy.  Mark is my forever, that part I have no reservations about at all.  I love him! I love the way he loves me!  Us loving each other is AMAZING!  He makes me so sickeningly (I use this word as he makes me feel like a love struck school girl who mopes when we are apart) happy!  I do quite often wonder though if its all too good to be true, I mean; how did I get to be this lucky?  Why me?  My counsellors response to that question was 'Why not, you?'  Good response!  I deserve to be happy and as 'in love' as I am, I am a good person!

Me, worrying about how I'm going to go in my uni exams as there is so much to remember.  Me worrying about the fact that 8 years is a big commitment...what if things change?  

That's just a scratch on the surface of what was covered...you can see why an hour is just not long enough huh.

Oh, can you see a pattern here?  Yes I have been worrying a lot despite KNOWING that worrying is pointless and just robs you from the joy of the NOW.  SO that is going to be our focus in further sessions.  Me, letting go of my worry and fears and instead focusing upon the now - MINDFULNESS!  No doubt blogs on said topic will follow so if I haven't bored you too much with this what has turned out to be an epic post, be sure to stay tuned.

MY BOYS!

Ace recently went on his school camp to Canberra for a whole week which he loved, I of course missed him like crazy.  He came home taller and with a slightly deeper voice which I can remember happening to my bf's son too.  He isn't really looking forward to his primary days ending and going to high school next year, I think its more nerves as some of his mates are going to different schools.  He also isn't one that likes school very much, he likes learning new things but not in a classroom environment.  If my boys weren't such a socialites I would consider homeschooling them (well Mark would do it as I don't have the patience), we will just see what time brings huh!  

Jazz has improved so much this year and a couple of weeks ago was awarded a certificate at his school assembly for 'student of the week'.  I think I have mentioned before that Jazz (Mr.10) has GDD (Global Development Delay) and so he has struggled a fair bit with things.  Since he has had a teachers aide though the improvements have been amazing and he can now read and write.  Admittedly it is not something that comes easily to him but he has the most beautiful handwriting and is getting more confidence to just give it a go.  He has tonsillitis (he takes after his Mumma) at the moment so the poor little mite isn't his usual high wire self, he has an appointment to see my Surgeon in December.  When he got the referral I jokingly said "if you get your tonsil out before me, I won't ever speak to you again", which he of course replied with "I will just tell them to do yours first Mummy cause' I don't want you not to talk to me"...I must remember that he takes everything literally.

Oooh I have to share something that was hilarious, if only I had of captured their facial expressions.  So with everything going on at court I felt it was incredibly important to talk to the boys about what was and wasn't inappropriate...you know the viewing of pornography and sexual touching. They have both done a sex ed class at school so I brought it up by asking if they remembered what was covered in the class.  The reply was 'we weren't really paying attention as we don't need to know about that crap yet', Jazz did remember stuff about the umbilical chord and found that fascinating but couldn't remember how the baby got there in the first place for there to be an umbilical chord, LOL bless his little innocent cotton socks.  So anyway I ended up having to tell them about the birds and the bees and the fact that sometimes things like that can pop up on the computer (they love watching things on you tube like the Shaytards, Tanner Fox, Dude sons).  Needless to say they were grossed out completely.  I am always checking the history anyway and am never very far away from being able to hear what they are watching but you can never really know and considering the horrible stuff that my eyes have been opened to I am even more vigilant about ensuring they are safe and doing the right things.  Which is more than I can say for another so called parent I know who is still allowing her kids to access pornography and brushing off wrong inappropriate behaviours because they are apparently just normal behavioural things (OMG NOT NORMAL AT ALL!), but let's not go there or else this blog will end up even more epic than it already is.

I am so incredibly proud of the young men that my boys are, of course they have moments where they give me the shits and bicker with each other but for the most part, they are both so well mannered, kind, caring, considerate and loving little men.  Glenn and I can be sure that we have at least done two really good things in our lives - Ace and Jazz!  I am so thankful that he and I are on the same page with regards to parenting them; our rules, our routines, what we believe is appropriate - although he is a little more lenient than I am.  Having Mark as an influence in their life is also a blessing, he loves them and considers them as his own and they they respect him in the same way.

They are both driving me nuts about Halloween at the moment though, I will be glad to see the back of it.  Although, then they will become obsessed with Christmas.  If them nagging me over going trick or treating is the worst thing I'm facing with them at the moment I really have nothing to complain about.

We don't have Walmart in Australia but its still valid...

Well, thats about it really...the ups, the downs and everything in between.

We have to go back to court on the 2nd of November, I start uni on the 7th of November, I go for my pre-op appointment at the hospital on the 17th of November...but how about I just focus on the rest of October first hey.

Mark's birthday is on the 28th of this month so we have the celebration of that to look forward to :)

Anyway until next time...love, light and peace to you all xoxo

PS.  THANK YOU for enduring this epic blog post.  

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Our Garden...

I am happy to report that other than the big jobs on Marks to do list (build a bike rack, timber racking, pool path and anything else I think to add to it - you know I will!) and of course maintenance (we are never, ever, ever letting it get so out of control again. I plan to use my study breaks as garden weeding breaks)...OUR GARDEN IS (pretty much) DONE!

It was such a big job but what an amazing feeling to walk through now looking at the progress we have made.

One section done...

Second section done...

Umm hello...we aren't finished yet Mr!

It wasn't until loading the skip that we were truly able to see how much we had actually done. We were a little worried that it wasn't all going to fit, but with my tetris skills and Mark pretending to be Donkey Kong we got everything plus some on.

Mark put his building skills to good use and finished off the compost area - looks so much neater.

The front path along the house all cleared so no one has to walk in the garden to get to the gas meter anymore. I also sprinkled some colourful seeds along the pond beds so I can't wait to see if they bloom.

Mark drained the old water out of the pond, cleaned out all of the debris and re-stacked the bricks ready for our water plants to sit on. Gosh I love this man, he truly makes my heart skip a beat.

We still have to fill with fresh water, buy plants and fish and make a better cover - buts its looking much better than before. Jazz (Mr. 11) thought it would make a good swimming pool LOL...he's a funny bugger.

Front side garden all done too YAY!

We picked up the Yucca for free off one of the facey sites and she works perfectly in this area :)

I also sprinkled some colourful seeds in here...

Looking so much nicer...

We also spent a little more time trimming up the Birds of Paradise...huge difference! 

As promised in the last blog, here is an update on my Herb, Salad and Vegetable Patches.

Top: Herb Garden (Rocket, Parsley and Coriander have come up - still waiting on Chives, Lemon Balm and Sage). 

Middle: Salad Garden (Lettuce and Spring onions shooting but still no tomatoes, capsicum or cucumber). 

Veggie Garden (Zucchini, Carrots, Silver beet, Beans and Corn doing well, waiting on Watermelon and celery). 

Thinking that we may try to grow some potatoes in pots and get some raised garden beds for more veggies like cauli and broccoli. Wouldn't mind a chili plant in a pot too.

We had a few cuttings (and a rouge bulb) so thought we would see how they went in some pots as we have no idea where in the garden to put them just yet.

I found some colander pots at the tip shop for $1 each so thought I would add some colour to my front verandah...I really like it - it's different!

Mum brought me the white flowers, the succulents are from cuttings I picked and the last pot is some Geranium cuttings from the plants already established in our yard.

And that's that...

Every evening we go for a walk through the garden to see if something else has started blooming and it fills us with so much excitement and joy to see a new shoot or to see how much something has grown. We feel so incredibly blessed by the beauty of our garden...it has been well worth the hard work and effort we have put in.

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Surgery Update...

Yesterday I finally had my hospital pre admissions appointment for the surgery I have been on the waiting list for since early December 2015.  I would of been seen sooner if my paperwork wasn't lost but they say everything happens for a reason and no amount of me bitching about it will change it, so let's continue shall we!

At the appointment they checked my weight and my height to see if I qualify for having the op at BM hospital - I do, just! phew!  You know what shits me... when I had my original appointment with the specialist I qualified automatically as I hadn't put on all this extra weight and yet he still flagged it as an issue because I needed an operation on my band first (I had that done in March this year)...again, if I had of been done sooner it wouldn't of even been a fricking issue at all.

 

I also had my PB checked and an ECG which were both normal.

My blood results showed that my iron levels are low, which I already knew and have supplements for.  Apparently this could be an issue given you bleed a lot during surgery and are at risk of more bleeding after, but I won't know until I go back for another appointment on the 17th of November to see the anesthetist.  If he says all is good it is possible I will be booked in to have these suckers ripped out by the end of this year.  Oh I so want it to all be OK!

I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up but at the same time hoping with everything I have that it does happen, because I am so over having a sore fucking throat ALL THE TIME and not knowing from one day to the next if I'm going to fall in a heap because I 'over did' something (that could be as simple as deciding to fold the washing or play with the boys...honestly its nuts!).  Some days its like swallowing marbles wrapped in sand paper but others are more like razor blade covered golf balls.  I am so sick of popping pills and having injections in my arse; but it could be worse so i really shouldn't complain.  

So...lets say that it does happen!

That gives me 6 weeks to get my shit together for the possibility of it actually happening.

6 weeks to drop a few kgs so that my BMI isn't 'just' OK.  Aren't I spewing I was so honest yesterday now I'm going to be watched like a bloody hawk.  I can do 6 in 6 weeks HEALTHILY if I was training, so maybe lets split it and aim for 3?  Anything else will be a bonus ;)

6 weeks to quit smoking.  I'm back on champix and gum so my 'quit date' is 2 weeks  AND I won't be able to spoke after wards either so that's a good incentive to not take it up again.   On top of saving $10,000 a year (that's both of us quitting WOW!), not feeling like a hypocrite and generally being healthier).

6 weeks to get all my Christmas and Aces birthday shopping done...although online is an option later too.

6 weeks to get all of Aces high school stuff ready for next year.

6 weeks to get everything TASHperfect so that I can just rest and not have to think of anything else other than recovering.

I know you may be thinking I have heaps of time to do that after the 'possible' op, but I know from past experience I don't recover very quickly and so if it says 6 weeks I will need at least 8.  The last thing I want to do is rush it and end up worse than I have already been feeling.  

And besides that...the quicker the tonsil recovery is, the quicker I can have op #2 done, which is fixing my deviated septum (I can only breathe out of one nostril). 

And if the op doesn't happen...at least I will be very organised in the lead up to Christmas/new year LOL.

I will say though that as much as I want this operation to happen, I am also as nervous as anything...I'm choosing not to think of that though and focus only on the positives...no sore throat, boosted immune, will be able to see nephew and niece, will be able to train again, we feel and be able to live a better quality of life - all that is worth a little bit of pain.

Stay tuned for the November update...fingers crossed it will be me so excited that I pee myself a little as I write ;)

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