I'm running again, lovin' it and making awesome progress despite my calves working against me.
There was a time that I didn't enjoy the actual running itself but loved the feeling of exhilaration afterwards.....now however, despite fighting with the demons telling me to stop, I actually enjoy every aspect of it. The burning of my lungs, the heaviness of my legs, the running away from life.
March 2015
Infection in the knee - FFS!! This literally came from no where.....one minute I was walking normally, the next my knee was in agony AND its the left one not the bung one - like seriously what the actual F*#&!!!!
I am feeling lost in the haze of pain killers which somewhat actually sums up how I've been feeling since late last year. I feel like I've been going through the motions but not fully present, wandering aimlessy through the fog trying to find the light that once shone, living on autopilot. Those that know me, know that this is not who I 'truly' am. I am a sieve the day, shoot for the stars kind of girl and so on that note I've decided that with the change of season its time to reconnect, to find that spark I once had, direction, purpose, goals.
How do I plan to do that?
By focusing on all the 'positive' aspects in my life...because after all - I am the eternal optimist!
There is always a silver lining and a lighthouse guiding our way towards it. Let the #100happydays #100healthydays posts start flowing, (follow me on INSTRAM to see them) Let the words in my blog flow freely, Let the spark I had for life be reignited.....Let me find ME!!
This is me today - lost in the haze!
So even though I am at home nursing a knee infection, dealing with a yucky tummy from the side effects of the antibiotics and struggling mentally to push through the brain fog that comes with pain killers; I am lucky enough to have a home gym and someone willing to hold the boxing mitts for me and so I am managing to do something - Boxing Tabata it is :)
April 2015
Yet another write off :( But then again April always seems to be that month of the year for me. Why oh why can I not just brush it off and keep on going rather than falling into an emotional heap *sigh*.
For my Dad....written by your loving daughter Natasha Hurst
I wonder how my life would beIf you had of still been hereThis contemplation lingersWith every passing yearI often sit just thinking
Getting lost in the daydream
Of each and every outcome
Different lives played scene by scene
Would I be this? Would I be that?
I guess I'll never know
So I just end up right back here
A life you did bestow
I have gone on living
Doing the best that I knew how
Mistakes I know I've made a few
But they've led me to this moment now
And whilst there's days it all seems too much
That I cannot possibly go on
I remember how hard you fought
And now your dreams foregone
So as I sit here watching
As your grandchildren play
A woman lost in thoughts of you
On this eve of Anzac Day
Know that I have done my best
To make you proud of me
To live life to the fullest
To be the best that I can be.
I love you Dad, its hard to believe that tomorrow will be 24 years since you left us, I miss you xox
— 
feeling emotional.
May 2015
A few months ago not only did I fall off the wagon with a big almighty thud, but I also decided to stay down there for a while and feed the emotions of self pity. This inevitably led to weight gain which of course came with feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, being unmotivated, unproductive and unfocused, being more susceptible to illnesses and to generally feeling like a complete and utter hypocrite. After getting to the point that enough was enough I finally swallowed my pride and spoke to my trainer about how I was feeling and now have some new goals to work towards. As a trainer and as someone others look to for motivation and inspiration its really hard to admit that you failed, but I am only human and plan to work hard to prove that all it takes is the decision to get up and try again. So here I am holding myself accountable and sharing the next chapter of my journey with you all.
I started a new chapter in my journey....It matters not how many times you begin again, but that you actually do! Never give up fighting for what you want....its not easy and there will be setbacks but it will be so worth picking yourself up and dusting yourself off for. DEDICATION, DETERMINATION, PERSISTENCE!!
June 2015
So my May challenge didn't exactly run very smoothly albeit due to me getting sick (yes again!) but progress was made regardless of the fact that I failed to reach my mini goal and so now here we are in June which means reassessing and setting some new mini goals to work towards all with the challenge of life's little hurdles navigate....at least there is certainly never a dull moment.
July 2015
So there is lots of rest, rest and oh yeah more rest on the agenda. So sick of being sick.....this rest thing is exhausting
Daily antibiotic injections hurt like heck and do crazy things to my gut but the fact that the haze feels like its lifted even just ever so slightly makes my butt and gut being battered and bruised worth it.
Not many laps at Relay For Life this year....
Patience is not one of my strong suits but remaining positive is and that I can and will do....through the haze there is always a glimpse of hope 💚
Because there is a shitload of stuff running around in this head and heart of mine at the moment which totally suck, rather than let those things control me I am going to focus on the things I am grateful for.
November 2015
I had contemplated not sharing any of this phase in my journey with you all due to negative feelings such as shame, disappointment, failure.....I could go on. However, its all part of what makes me ME and so I'm sharing it. I often get told that my resilience to keep on going is inspiring and that faced with the same sort of challenges that I have been faced with over the years others would of just given up and accepted their fate. This then leads to the question of how do you keep going? My answer is that I refuse to give up. Perhaps its my stubborn streak but I'm not a quitter and if I want something bad enough I'm gonna keep working on it until I get it, even if at times I forget that and end up sitting with my arms and legs crossed, hunched over, bottom lipped dropped, face frowned, shitty attitude, feeling sorry for myself for a little while until I decide I'm ready again. For the past 4 months I've been doing just that 'sulking', 'feeling defeated', 'quitting' AND that's not who I am, not the kind of role model I want for my kids and so I've made the conscious decision to embark on the next phase of my journey albeit already presented with many obstacles for me to tackle, but I will do this forgiveness, faith and with food as my focus.
As you may have guessed, the past few months have been shit for me health wise with infection and fever just not going away, tests with no real answers, one lot of antibiotics after the other, pain relief, cortisteriods, asthma medication, specialist referrals and so on blah blah blah...anyway I am over feeling like crap from whatever is going on with me and over feeling even more like crap from the medications meant to be fixing whatever it is..I'm just generally over it all both physically and mentally! AND so today (Monday 2nd November 2015), I decided it was time to use the knowledge I've aquired over the years and stop the cycle. No more napalming my system with chemicals! I'm a hippie at heart and so natural alternatives it is - herbs, a ketogenic diet, light exercise (aka walking), meditation, affirmations and a lot of love, support and prayer in the hopes that this will make a difference.
Yes there are obstacles, Yes they right royally suck, but NO I will not let them defeat me. I WILL FIGHT!
First step - forgiveness and cutting myself some slack by acknowledging that sometimes 'shit' happens but it doesn't mean the future is set in stone.
Second step - deciding to start the nutrition plan I have been researching and focus instead on using food as medicine.
Third Step - Accepting that if my doctor and specialists say I need to start back on the medication I will BUT I will be prepared in advance for the side effects by ensuring on the days I feel capable of doing so I will pre-prep my meals.
Fourth Step - Going for a walk, sitting on the exercise bike or doing yoga on the days I feel I can and accepting that on the days I need to rest that its OK and I won't beat myself up about it.
Step Five - Promising that I will take one step, one brick, one day at a time and not think I'm superwoman and over do it and end up on a downward spiral.
OK well that plan didn't work! Not even at the end of November and I am feeling incredibly disappointed at the moment as I have had to give in and go back on antibiotics which is incredibly frustrating as I still don't have any real answers and the specialist that I am holding out to see isn't until early December and thats still weeks away *sigh*. Oh well....even the bravest of Lion's needed help to get the thorn out of its paw so I can admit defeat and pop a few more pills. The plan to do this un-medicated didn't work, but I will keep on persisting medicated, even though it feels somewhat like swimming against the tide.:/
December 2015 ( Happy Birthday to ME and Merry Christmas to ALL)
I've seen the specialist and have some answers. In short the lump that was found in my throat is benign (phew). Its an overactive lymph node due to my immune system not functioning the way that it should and it gets bigger each time I get sick - which as you know from reading this blog is quite often. I am now on the long waiting list to have my tonsils removed (very scary stuff) and hopefully that will mean my immune system will kick in and start doing what its supposed to.
Unfortunately in the meantime I have had to give up training :( It seems ridiculous to me to think that something I was doing in order to improve my health was having the adverse effect and actually contributing towards me getting sick...something about depleting the stores I had to fight with blah blah blah. What am I going to do with no training? How am I going to keep this weight maintained? Holy shit its just all too much to deal with at the moment.
Yes I know this quote is true, but before I start the demolition process I am going to have my little 'FML' moment because telling me I have to wait at least a year for something that will make a huge difference in my life AND that in the meantime I'm told to 'just keep on doing what you're doing' really really shits me - patience is not my strongest attribute *sigh* Luckily though, determination, persistence and sheer stubbornness are and so it's thinking cap time......how can I kick the shit out of these obstacles? I'm all good for the most part just incredibly frustrated but I'll get over it or under it or through it. The life and times of Tash aren't always rainbows and butterflies sometimes there is a huge bucket of 💩. Right now as you can see it's in the form of my attitude.
A Poem by Natasha Hurst
Life can change in the blink of an eye
With each fleeting moment a chance passes by
Or perhaps its seized and captured as yours
Embraced for all it is both beauty and flaws
We take the good with the bad and the bad with the good
Sometimes we cant change it or dont if we could
For it all adds up to be who we are
All tiny grains of sand in an hour glass jar
I really don't know what I'm try to say
Except embrace life and what it offers each day
Be thankful to those who are present and gone
And draw from the strength of each lesson learnt to carry on.
And that is a wrap for yet another year. Thanks heaps for following my journey. I wish you a wonderful 2016.
