Mixed Emotions

Language warning!

Sometime in July...27th I think!

I have spent so many nights tossing and turning for several hours, so I decided to get up  (its 4.00am) and roll with the punches by acknowledging that which is doing acrobatics in my mind.  I am hoping that the process of writing it down might help to ease the anguish that has built up inside.  I am however, discovering that it is much easier said than done and I am struggling to find the words to clearly explain what I am feeling.  To say 2020 has been one that has had everyone experiencing a myriad of emotions, is a complete and total understatement.  Basically, I'm here, starring out into the abyss totally bewildered!

 

I'll be honest with ya, most of everything I'm thinking and feeling, has to do with Covid-19.  Frustratingly, it consumes/overwhelms me!  That alone, really pisses me off!  I really dislike this fear based reality I am in at the moment, it's not me!  I'm the eternal optimist, the one who believes in staying positive and in raising energy vibrations.  I do have to say though, I do not believe that 'all' of it is just me making a mountain out of a molehill.  Also, I have not lost focus of my many positives, I've just simply become a little um, rigid?!

Okay, here we go...

List of things keeping me awake!

Firstly, I am ANGRY, although pissed off is a more accurate description!  I am pissed off at the lack of compliance I've seen, read about, heard about.   Things like: 

a) people NOT social distancing!  I get its hard to not show affection when by nature we crave human to human contact,  but FFS stop the spread and stay 1.5 metres (or as far as possible) away from those you don't live with. 

I haven't seen my family since last visit as its just too hard not to give them hugs.  Same goes for my friends.  I miss them and its sad, but it is what it is, and it will pass IF people do the right thing!

b) people NOT wearing a mask -  those with medical clearance the exception!  As an asthmatic and claustrobe, I get that they suck; I feel like I'm going to faint when I wear mine.  But, I'm pretty sure a ventilator due to having contracted Covid-19 will suck more, so I wear my mask when I have to.  Basically what I'm saying is, if you don't have a valid reason just shut the fuck up and wear the damn mask!

As for those claiming the mandatory mask rule is taking away their human rights, I can't even find the words!  

Here's an idea, don't want to 'have' to wear a mask, easy fixed, just stay the fuck at home! 

c) people NOT staying at home and instead going out for more than just the four reasons; medical, food, school, work!  

Why in hell would you risk it!  Why put others at risk by 'potentially' spreading germs from place to place!

And worse, it infuriates me that people are so stupid, selfish, or both, that they don't self isolate after being tested, and instead cross suburban lines just to be arrogant c#€@s!  

Additionally, those out there carrying on about the virus not being 'real', also gets my blood boiling.  I mean, how insensitive can they be!  Especially when there are people fucking suffering and dying, from said 'fake' virus!

Secondly, I am sad for the lives lost to this horrible virus, and for those suffering.  Sad for those fighing to save others and suffering as a result. 

I'm also grieving all the missed opportunities; outings, visits with family/friends, the way things were, the simple pleasure of living life to the fullest! 

And then, the anger rises again, because if people just did what is recommended, chances are we would not be seeing, experiencing these devastating consequences.  FFS, just do what you are told!

Thirdly, I'm worried about the virus spreading further to the point of being uncontrollable.  This makes me scared for my family.  I fear them getting sick.  I fear them...I can't say it, it crossing my mind is bad enough!

My Mum is still working at Bunnings, which really stresses me out as so many customers just dont give a shit about others!  I am also feeling sad for Mum given she is by herself.  I know she is missing her grand kids and talking to them via video call just makes that feeling stronger, but as hard as it is, its for the best.  If she ends up stopping work, I might just bring forward her move into the bungalow.  Or maybe, I could just go do a carer visit. 

I'm worried/anxious about my nephew and niece, and my two boys having to go to school.  Remembering, we are both in a regional zone, so kids are technically supposed to be at school.  Personally, I think they should be doing remote learning like Metro kids!  I know its not easy, but its so worth the headache knowing the kids are safe at home!  Theres another thing that gets my goat...people who bitch and whinge about having their kids home!

A reason I believe remote learning should be in place, is because at school there is no social distancing expectations.  Is it any wonder that kids aren't following the guidelines on the weekends and instead posting pictures of themselves huddled together with arms around each other.  Just another thing that has pissed me off,  c'mon, why are parents allowing it FFS!

Monday 3rd August

It is 2.00pm and I am eagerly awaiting Dan Andrews breaking news announcement on TV.  I am hoping that "strict" stage 4 restrictions are put in place for  both Metro and Regional Victorians (or at least Shires with over a certain number of Covid-19 cases; say like 10+).

  

Okay, it is 3.00pm and Dan Andrews (The Premier) has declared Victoria 'A State of Disaster'.  

In a nutshell, other changes which will run for six weeks, until September 13, include:

*  Melbourne: 

From tonight there will be a curfew.  You must be home between 8.00 p.m. - 5.00 a.m.

Only one person from each household allowed out to shop once per day. 

 

Recreational activities are no longer allowed.  There is a one hour limit outdoors.  No more than two people allowed.

No one allowed to travel more than a five km. radius of their home.

  

*  Regional Victoria:

From Midnight, Wednesday 5th, stage three restrictions will be enforced and remote learning will commence. Aka, back to how it was in March!

* Generally:

 

No impact on supermarkets and similar.  Despite this, people have started going crazy and panic buying again.

More restriction details such as business closures will be revealed tomorrow.  Well, technically today as it is now 4.20am  on Monday 3rd.  Yup, still feeling all the 'feels' and as such, I can't sleep!

I am happy with the tougher restrictions BUT...

Personally, I think we should ALL be in lockdown, as when you give an inch, people take a mile and If people don't follow whatever is put in place, then we will continue to be screwed for longer than needed! 

Make it so we cannot leave our homes at all (emergency medical care the exception)!

Want fresh air, step out your front or back door, or open a window.  

Get the defense force to provide food/care boxes - everyone gets the same thing and that way panic buying is no longer a problem.  

As for those who get caught breaking the rules, forget a fine, lock em' up in an old warehouse somewhere...back to bread and water, bed on straw, non covid and covid all together with no medical help provided - I mean it doesn't exist right so they shouldn't care!  Concentration camp style comes to mind, which makes me ashamed of myself, but they just make me so angry!

Whilst the above may be a bit harsh (good reason I'm not Premier), I truly do believe that the tougher restrictions are the only way to eradicate this virus, and for life to get back to some kinda normal again sooner rather than later!  

Saturday 8th August

So far I've pretty much only focused on those things that make me feel not ok!  But despite these, or more to the point as well as these, there has been many moments of gratitude.

During these strange unprecedented times I am grateful for:

- Guilt free time off work to recover

- My kittens

- Time with my precious family of four.

- My husband's hilarious banter

- Social Media 

- Netflix/Stan

- Telehealth/Zoom Meetings

- Online Shopping

- Those doing the right thing

- Talented mask making friends 

- Living in regional Victoria

- Telephone calls/messages

- Medicine (both natural and pharmaceutical)

- Check in messages from friends

- Books, Crafts, shit to keep busy with LOL

The list goes on really!

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Daily Non-negotiables

Do you have a list of daily non-negotiables? You know, one or more habits that are a must to do without fail? Whilst I have quite a few things on my list, for this blog I want to focus on just one.

My number one daily non-negotiable is… make my bed! 

I find it unbelievable how even if the room itself is not neat, tidy and organised, a made bed changes the whole feel of the room. I also find that there are huge rewards in one simple task; such as, a feeling of accomplishment. Why wouldn't I be a bed making advocate when it brings about such a positive start to ones day. 

From a very early age, I taught my precious boys the importance of bed making, and now its become what I believe is a 'good habit' which takes them no more than a few minutes. 

So, perhaps they do not prop the pillows and place the throw rug 'just so', the way I like, but simply pulling up the covers so that they aren't strewn all over the room is something that makes my heart smile. 

Need more convincing? Okay, heres some more reasons why I'm an advocate of making the bed. 

Reduces anxiety, stress & tension 

Walking into a room and seeing sheets screwed up into a bunch, pillows tossed here and there, and blankets all over the floor, triggers a sense of panic. Making the bed however, reduces the look of mess and clutter, and as such eliminates the feeling of chaos. 

Sense of achievement 

By completing this one simple task, I start my day off with a sense of achievement. Who wouldn't want to start each day on a positive note. 

Produces Productivity 

With an awesome tone set for the day, it motivates one to be productive which opens the door of possibility. 

Cleanliness Godliness

I know I've shared before that my external reflects the internal. Meaning, if my surroundings are cluttered, my mind feels the same. Hence, by taking a few minutes out of my day and making the bed, it cleans the untidiness of my mind. And, it makes the room itself look much neater. 

Cosy Comfort 

And lastly, I love the feeling of pulling back the covers and crawling into a made bed.

Even when we had the single bed in our room for Mark to sleep on during recovery, both beds would get made. Truth be told, Mark would remake the bed for me each time I would get up - just another reason why I love him so. 

And just for comparison heres something that you won't see very often eeekkkk...heart rate racing just looking at it.

Versus something that to me is much more inviting, and reduces the anxiety heart rate. Even with pillows galore!

Oh, another positive about making your bed, for those counting them, is that you get up your steps!

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Half way there...

Here we are, halfway through 2020, and what a bizarre six months it has been.  When this year started, I never would have predicted the 'unprecedented' events that have occurred thus far. 

What about you?

I can't say that it has completely gone in a different direction than I thought, Covid-19 the exception ofcourse.  And on a personal level, I don't believe that its been my worst year ever, I can think of others where rock bottom was surpassed.  On a global level however, there is no denying that the number of deaths from this worldwide pandemic is extremely sad.

With this in mind and since we are at month 7 of 12, I thought it would be a great time to take a quick inventory of my yearly goals and see if there needs to be a change of direction entirely, or just some simple adjustments so to adapt better.

How would I sum up, what has happened to me in 2020, so far?

Admitted to hospital for unexpected reason!  Admitted to hospital for expected reason!  Admitted to hospital unexpectedly!  Admitted to hospital for expected reason!

Then lots of tests, and various trips back and forth to hospital!

What silver linings have I found in the midst of this years craziness?

I have had guilt free time off work/study to rest and recover.  As well as, had lots of connection time with my family.

What I've learned about myself,  others, and life in general this year?

Firstly, and I think everyone would agree, is that life, is un-freaking-predictable!  I mean, I kinda knew it was, but after this year, I really know!  Can you relate?

As for myself and others, I don't really know what to write for this one; maybe that I'm a cynic and "...believe people are motivated purely by self-interest rather than acting for honourable or unselfish reasons"(Goggle, 2020).

Oh gosh, thats not very positive hey!  It is however, real!

More seriously, something I've learnt about myself (well more confirmed) is that doing nothing (aka resting, resting, resting) makes me feel lazy; worthless and lacking purpose.  I know its only temporary, and its for the purpose of recovering, but contrary to what my mother would have you believe, I actually do not do 'doing nothing' very well.

What I'm most proud of myself for doing, being, learning or understanding this year?

Funnily enough considering what I wrote above, I think it would have to be surrendering and resting.  Yes, to the point of actually becoming quite lazy, well I feel as though I am anyway!  

In saying that, the house is still clean, kids have been getting fed each day, and bills and paperwork is up-to-date.

What word sums up your 2020 experience?

I think it would definitely have to be - RESILIENCE!  

Although I despise it when people say "oh, you're sick AGAIN"!, I must admitt that sometimes it does indeed feel like its just one 'negative' thing after the other.

But as the quote says, I also have lots of blessings to count.

2020's Goals Revisited

*First and foremost my goal is to address ALL health issues.

-Heal and recover from mastectomy so to be ready physically and mentally for revision surgery.  

-Address Gynocological issues.  

-Get lapband fixed.

*After that, its to resume study, and then look at resuming work (once Covid-19 behind us).  In regard to work I'm thinking that some changes are on the cards.  What they are, or what they look like right now, I'm not sure.

*Given that we are getting the Covid-19 payment each fortnight, which is great considering I lost my income, I'd like to put some money aside!  Saving enough to put into a term deposit would be awesome.

*Managing my pain better so that I can heavily reduce, or better still, eliminate my pain meds and detox my body.  This is especially important so that the medication will be effective after the next operation/s.

To be honest with you, it would also help me get some productivity back in my life, and make study less of a challenge.  

Lately my mind is far too consumed by the ever present thick fog which just lingers there to numb the sensory receptors of my brain so that I do not feel pain or anything else for that matter.  Even the simple task of writing this blog has taken what feels to me an eternity to compose, as the words that form within the suffocated confines of my cranium get muddled as they move to my fingers or even to my lips to be expressed in a manner which makes sense to a those which are not in the same intoxicated state of mind as mine.  

In addition, weariness encompasses every inch of my being, and I find myself lying idol for most of the hours which make the day.  My body once so strong feels frail and fatigued.  

The time in which it has taken just to write these words frustrates me to the point of wanting to throw this device across the room but I would then be alone with no outside stimulus of which this provides, and so instead I just sit here continuing to place babble upon the white space before me sighing loudly to release the heat rising within just like a fire breathing dragon.   Oh the heat, yes that glorious internal combustion which for me, at this moment, just adds salt to the already festering wound.  

But, I digress, so I pause,  contemplating whether I have expressed all that I feel needs conveying, although if truth be told, I've since forgotten the point of my writing.  Self expression I assume!

Read more "Half way there..."

Australia Day 2019

To celebrate or not to celebrate!  I have to be honest with you here for a moment, I am torn between both!  Although I am leaning more towards NOT, well not on Jan 26th anyways!

Here is my reason why NOT to celebrate!

When colonisation occurred in Australia in 1788, white dominance relegated the first inhabitants of this land to reserves and missions (Foley, 2005). Stripped from the fabric of their traditional ways, and forced to adapt to a foreign way of life, the health and wellbeing of Indigenous Australians declined in tumultuous proportions (Gracey & King, 2009). Hundreds of years later, the effects of this troubled history due to a plethora of injustices such as; segregation, displacement, dispossession and cultural destruction, is still having a devastating impact (Foley, 2005).

So, I know that we have Sorry Day on May 26th, which is all about coming together as one and taking the steps towards healing past wrongs; the atrocities experienced by the Stolen Generation.  But I don't think it is enough to heal past wounds, the deep sorrow experienced from the litany of injustices of colonisation.  

What needs to be done?  I don't know, but surely there is a way for all Australians, Indigenous and Immigrant to come together as one and celebrate the fact that we all live in this beautiful country.

I would personally love to see Indigenous culture made to be a compulsory component of every school curriculum, so that it can be preserved and respected, so that the 'real' history of this countries first inhabitants is known by all!  

I also think the Indigenous flags should be flown alongside the Australian Flag whenever it is flown.  Better yet, why not a flag that incorporates both, so that we can show the unity between us.

I would love to see more Indigeous events and community exposure that could possibly help to break the barriers of misunderstanding...not just on certain days, but everyday!  

I would also love for the inequalities and injustices to be eradicated, for there to be an even playing field for all of us!

And you know what, why can't we change the date to May 8, sounds like as good a day as any to me, hey Mate?!  I get that Australia was founded on this day by the 'white man', and if that wasn't the case then we wouldn't be here living the life that we do now.  But, if its not a day of celebration for ALL AUSTRALIANS, then why not change the date?  Why not show that we are truly sorry for the actions of those before us, and actually take the step to proving it!

Ok, so now that has been said here is my reason TO celebrate!

Whilst I am still not technically an "Aussie"(I need about $250.00 to make it happen and it WILL happen this year), my reason to celebrate isn't based upon the day Captain Cook made his discovery and turned the lives of those already here to wreck and ruin...

It is to celebrate the fact that I am proud to call this land my home!

So to end this blog post...

“I/We Acknowledge and give our heartfelt gratitude to the Ancestors, Traditional Custodians, Elders past, present, future and emerging of the many lands that make Australia - the place that I/We call home”.

REFERENCES:

Foley, W. (2005).  Tradition and change in urban indigenous food practices.  Postcolonial Studies: Culture, Politics, Economy, 8(1), 25–44.  

        https://doi.org/10.1080/13688790500134356

Gracey, M., & King, M. (2009).  Indigenous health part 1: determinants and disease patterns.  The Lancet, 374(9683), 65–75.  

       https://doi.org/10.1016/S0140-6736(09)60914-4

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Kid Free Weekend...

Friday 25th January 2019

Today was a stay at home and try to stay as cool as possible kinda day. Whilst I love summer, I have to admitt that the top of 44 degrees was even too hot for me!

Mind you, I spoke to my Step Dad today who is out and about travelling this beautiful country of ours, and he said where he was yesterday it reached 49.5 degrees - BUUGER THAT!

After dropping the boys off at their Dads, my sweet man and I grabbed some fish 'n' chips for dinner and went down and sat on the river bank, both loving the fact that the cool change had arrived!

And the rest of the night was spent doing what parents do when the kids aren't' home...SLEEPING that is, well eventually LOL!

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Wednesday 16th January 2019

So despite giving in last night and taking a pain med, I woke up today with my migraine still lingering.  Desperate to change my attitude, I decided to suck it up and work anyway. 

This is me sucking it up and giving EGO the finger!

Bad idea! I had to run out of the room twice to spew my guts up...so professional NOT! Needless to say I cancelled the rest of my day and spent it in bed with an eye mask on trying to ease some tension. 

The rest has helped (as did a text from my sister) and I am feeling a little better. I think it was a combination of the heat and low iron levels...it will pass soon, I'm on day 3 so only a couple to go, although normally its slowed down by down and as yet its still flowing like the Red Sea! 

I managed a small conversation with Ace today about his attitude (and his reasons for having it), and it has since turned around, so thats a positive, its nice to have my boy back.  Mind you, his 'attitude' is nothing compared to the kid at the hospital yestersay who screamed down the waiting room because he didn't get a lolliepop.  Really its probably not even much compared to other teenagers, its just that I'm not used to it.  

Gotta say that I am also feeling ultra blessed by all the messages of support I have received from my insta/facey post. I'm never sure whether or not to post the "keeping it real" stuff, but if I only shared the happy moments it wouldn't be an accurate reflection of my life and well, I'm not one to hide my emotions so its warts and all or nothing! 

Talking about support...yesterday I put my eye mask on and crawled into bed without dinner. As I hadn't eaten much during the day, and was quite honestly too exhausted to even think about getting up to eat, my sweet man sat on the side of the bed and fed me. There truly is no doubt at all that his words of "I love you", are anything but genuine...he shows it every day in his actions! It also confirms the fact that we will be able to get through the prophylactic mastectomy recovery. 

Anyway thats all I'm going to write today, write again tomorrow xo 

Oh I almost forgot...today is my niece's 6th Birthday. Happy Birthday Keana Mae! We are all looking forward to spending the day together on Friday.

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Sunday 13th January 2019

Today...I slept in until 12.30pm which was SO needed, especially as I am headed back to work tomorrow and have a massive week ahead in what is going to be a scorcher of a week with temperatures in the high 30's (and on top of that I am DUE)!  All for the love of my family so that we have some money to be able to go away for some quality family time before the school holidays end. 

The rest of the afternoon was spent putting up awnings and moving fans from one room to next in an attempt to keep the house/massage room nice and cool. 

They don't look pretty, but they did the job!

Mark and I also got to spend some one on one time together too, which is always nice! 

The boys were due to be dropped off at 5pm, but their Dad needed us to pick them up. Anyway, as Mapa was coming over to go out for dinner (we went to Stoneys as she had vouchers...although that was a complete shambles and they stuffed up her accumulated points thingy), she swung past and picked them up which was a bonus for us. 

So, we had missed them heaps right! That certainly changed quickly when they (well mostly Mr. 15) returned with 'ATTITUDE' (been a while since that was the case, when we first split it used to happen after every fortnightly visitation). What shits me the most is that their father (for the most part), is so selfish and self centered (I could list umpteen examples but I can't be bothered and to be honest all that would do would get me riled up thinking about it) and yet they brush it off. If it was me who let them down, all hell would break loose. Normally I can just brush it off, but I'm sick of being taken for granted so I cracked it! 

Anyway, I guess disappointed is the only word I can think to describe how I am going to bed feeling. Maybe tomorrow I will just 'get over it'. Doesn't really help that Mum has been 'at me' in her own unique way...but I will keep biting my tongue because that's what is what I do in order to keep the peace.  PLUS, I know she means well and only reacts the way she does because she cares.  I guess I just have to change my reaction to it!

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Shopping Spree!

Sunday 6th January 2019

Today we went on a shopping spree, where the boys spent their gift money WOW what a bounty they returned home with! They were thrifty little shoppers and it was great to be able to teach them that as much as we may want 'everything', money only stretches so far...especially if you prefer all the top notch brand names! 

And, now they are all ready for school to go back!

The rest of the afternoon/evening was all about culling that which they no longer wanted/needed to find homes for all of the gifts received and purchased. Which meant that I also got to do a big overhaul of their rooms...always a bonus!

I had planned to catch up on housework and hopefully blog too, but instead I ended up sorting through things that I had been putting off and then hit the hay!

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Lazy Saturday...

January 5th 2019 

Hmmm lets see...today we were supposed to be catching up with friends for a bbq but they sadly couldn't make it. I am hoping to arrange another time soon as I really enjoy her company and think it would be so good for the kids to hang out together. 

As plans changed, while kids were entertaining themselves on electronics ofcourse (its holidays afterall and them going outside means me going outside and well today I didn't want to...yes shock I know...well I didn't want to deal with noise more to the point), I spent some time on the bass (taught myself Down on the corner) and keyboard (taught myself Amazing Grace), had a coffee and chat with my dear friend Claudette, spent more time watching a movie (We bought a Zoo...also something else but I can't remember what it was, obviously enthralling NOT!), found a TV on market place for the bargain price of $50, pottered about a little bit doing a general tidy and that was pretty much it.

I'm gonna keep it real and tell you it wasn't all rainbows and unicorn farts, and that there were a couple of not so awesome parts of the day!  The first of which was being woken way earlier than I would of like by a squealing (something that I dislike immensely, albeit being due to excitement) child. There were also other things that I'm not going to go into detail about here, but I guess its all part and parcel of dealing with a child with PTSD.  Although I firmly believe that it does not excuse poor behaviour - something Mark and I are not entirely on the same page about so there is always a little conflict between us on those monthly visits.  

I am going to also speak really frankly here and say that although it has been 4 years of having contact with Hosanna, realistically 'time wise' it would only really add up to a year tops...maybe two at a stretch. Which means, that as much as there is a closeness (aka she calls me Mummy, calls the boys her brothers, shows affection and knows without a shadow of a doubt that THIS Mum will indeed keep her safe), the whole blended family thing can be incredibly tricky to navigate, especially considering that for the rest of the month we are a 'family of four'.

BUT we do, because she's our family!  I also made the promise on our wedding day to accept her as my own daughter and so I plan to keep that promise!

So this little rant aside, for the most part, our extended home contact (have to say we feel so blessed that we an awesome relationship with both her fulltime family and the officials involved) went really well and was enjoyable for all!

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School Holiday Laziness

I'm in a bit of a reflective mood at the moment, perhaps its the fact that October is here and it feels as though I have blinked and missed the past nine months.  In saying that though, I know that they definitey existed...I have the battle scars to prove it and the happy memories too ofcourse!  

The boys are on school holidays at the moment - which I LOVE!  Most of the past 11 days have been so laid back and relaxed that tonight I have a feeling of 'we should of been, should be, doing something...anything!'.  Why is it that I am feeling uneasy about the down time, that is, has been, so beneficial and much needed for all of us?  I kind of feel lazy in someway and yet I have worked, studied here and there and kept the house in order and cooked healthy meals and all that other usual mummy/wifey stuff that I actually like doing.  Mind you, even that has been smooth sailing. 

Perhaps its the pessimist in me but it almost feels like the calm before the storm.  LOL, can't win can we?  On one hand we wish for things to slow down and on the other we question it when it does.

Something in between would be good, a balance between the calm and the storm.  And there it is the key to everything...balance!  

Anyway, just felt like sharing!  

Remind me to come back and read this when I'm holding on for dear life in the storm wishing it would pass - haha! 

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Mind, Body, Soul Consciousness

Since studying I have been made to question my own definitions and beliefs in things such as health, healing, the connection between mind, body and soul, as well as the existence of a higher power. I thought I would share a few of my ideas with you...

I believe that health is the culmination of the physical, mental and spiritual centres of an individual working in harmony together to provide balance. Health is non-linear...there is no straight line to get there, no perfect picture of what it looks like. As I am sure I would of mentioned in a previous post, 'perfection' is a state of mind; something worth striving for but unreachable at the same time, due to our own expectations and definitions of said perfection changing along the way; everyone has a different view of what 'perfect' means to them. 

I believe that within each of us is the innate ability to heal; to preserve life. This ability is powered by a subtle energy that allows for harmonious functioning as a whole being; a balance physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and essentially. Just as I believe that health is not a ‘one size fits all’ approach, I also believe that this innate ability, whilst present in all living things, is an individual process dependent upon how the concept is embraced. 

Is this innate ability our soul, our spirit, God perhaps? I personally believe it to be my soul, which is one and the same as my spirit - just a play on words really. It is the flame that keeps my spark of life ignited. God, I believe the Galactic Omnipresent Divinity - a power higher than myself that fuels the fire. Again I believe these definitions are open to interpretation of the individual.

I believe in the connection between body, mind and soul. Each whilst being its own entity, each is enmeshed with the other to the point that what we think, we ultimately become; all assisted with the innate ability of preservation driven by an invisible energetic force.

In today's world, uunfortunately, many have chosen to close the door of their mind and lost their spiritual connectedness, now behaving in a way that strongly emphasizes the separation of their body, mind, soul connection. The tangible dense energy of duality, has become so deeply ingrained into our world culture that it is an almost inescapable background assumption of all our thinking; appearing as a cause and effect of limiting boundaries to our potential consciousness. Without having tried to encounter, experience or understand the laws of nature, many have enclosed themselves in boxes of limited definitions, keeping them imprisoned in the denseness of fear, afraid to recognize the power lying dormant within, thus keeping them locked into frozen energy patterns. These distorted expressions of life can only be maintained if they are sustained through thoughts, words, actions, feelings or beliefs, that are in discord to that of the symphony of life. 

Despite wishing to change the course of life’s events, ironically, we fear change, when change itself cannot be scary. It is only change! By adjusting our perceptions and having the courage to go beyond what we already know and to explore our inner depths, we can shine a light on the shadows and awaken our consciousness, pushing to the surface anything that conflicts with the harmonious frequencies of the symphony. This creates an illusion that things are getting worse and has the potential to return our focus to the problem instead of the solution. However, by remembering that negativity needs to be transmuted back into positivity, it reduces/eliminates the problems instead of intensifying them. 

I believe that consciousness, is the vibrational shift that keeps the cycle of existence turning, it is our connection to spirit. Once we truly consciously connect with our true self, the intrinsic interwoven-ness with everything becomes visible. It alters the conditions of our life experiences with the recognition that we are the co-creator of our reality and sovereignty over our own life is the expression of our conscious choices. 

By focusing our thoughts holistically and becoming consciously aware of the body, mind, soul connection, it will release us from the frozen energy patterns, freeing us from the materialistic world of judgment, therefore activating the innate ability to fully accept and embrace our humanness, whilst also becoming aware of our vastness; merging them together to become deeply grounded within our true self, full of infinite vitality.

In saying all of this, I believe that wherever one sits currently in the path of health, a connection of the trinity or disjointedly focused, there is no right or wrong, it is all simply part of the individual journey to awakening. 

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