She wasn’t just a tree, she felt like a presence. A quiet place where the world softened and time loosened its grip.
I used to sit beneath her for long stretches, looking up through her branches, watching light move in ways that made everything else feel small. There was nothing to achieve there. Nothing to fix. Just breath, stillness, and the slow remembering of myself.
Somewhere along the way, I grew apart from that kind of silence. Life became louder. Busier. Full of movement and expectation. But the feeling of sitting beneath her never really left, it lived quietly in the background, waiting to be returned to.
Under Her Branches came from that remembering.
The verses are gentle and finger-plucked, like footsteps back into stillness. Slow, spacious, unhurried, the way time felt under her shade. The pauses matter as much as the notes, because silence was always part of the experience.
Then the chorus lifts to feel the spirit rise, like the moment you exhale and realise you’re safe. That shift from holding on to letting go. From thinking to simply being.
This recording is raw. A scratch track. Imperfect timing, imperfect angles, imperfect hands, but maybe that’s the point. The feeling itself was never polished. It was honest, simple, and real.
This song is my way of returning to that place.
To the ground beneath me.
To the calm that grows when nothing needs to be forced.
To the quiet sense that something sacred lives in ordinary moments.
If you listen, I hope it carries you there too, even for a moment, beneath her branches, where everything slows, and you remember what it feels like to just be.
Under Her Branches
Verse 1 Ancient Oak behind our old house She leaned into the sky I’d lay back in the long grass And watch the daylight climb Sunlight through her fingers Fell dancing on my face Praying in the silence Transcended in time and space
Chorus Under her branches I was quiet, I was small Didn’t need the answers Just let go of it all The wind would turn the pages Of a sky so wide and blue Under her branches The calm within me grew
Verse 2 No phone, no ticking hour hand No somewhere else to be Just the ground beneath me God’s presence in her leaves The world felt less demanding When I listened to her sway She never tried to change me But she did anyway
Bridge Now the days are louder And the nights don’t fall the same Sometimes, I close my eyes And whisper out her name If I could find that silence I know just what I’d do I’d lay down in her shadow And let myself be new
Final Chorus
Under her branches I was steady, I was free Nothing left to measure Just me, being me
Under her branches I was quiet, I was small Didn’t need the answers Just let go of it all The wind still turns the pages Of a sky so wide and blue Under her branches The calm within me grew
Copywrite Music & Lyrics by Natasha Hurst-Shilling (13.02.26)
So it's been a while, and usually I'd fill you in on everything that has happened to this point first, but I feel the urge to write, and so here I am!
This past week, well the past few plus some really, have been ultra tough, and I have been filled with anxious tension from the moment I wake up, till the time I finally close my eyes to get 'some' sleep.
You know those moments when it's not just one thing but a f@/& tonne of them, all at once, and all it takes is one thing to tip the scale from treading, to sinking!?!
Well that point hit me hard today, and I ugly cried majorly, before suppressing it again that is!
Funny how 'suppression' is something I believe in avoiding, I mean it is one of the Naturopathic principles I'm studying, and yet...
Anywho, tonight I finally allowed myself to stop long enough to pick and my guitar and sing a song. Well, truthfully I belted it, screamed it more to the point!
Gotta say though, I do feel better for it!
That's not to say that all those things things that I was feeling still aren't weighing heavily upon me, because they are, and they aren't going to magically dissappear. What it means, is instead of me pushing my anxiousness deeper beneath the surface where it festers causing dis-ease and a sense of drowning, I let the cap off to blow off steam, and boy did it blow!
I'm sharing this post as a reminder to myself to take that time out to sing, scream, cry..., because whilst it doesn't fix the causative factors, it helps me to feel like I have the strength to tread again, it truly does. I hope that if you are reading this, and feeling the same way, that it helps you too.
So yeah, whilst treading is not ideal, for now it is better than drowning and I know that soon enough, I'll figure everything out so I can float again.
These are the lyrics to the song I screamed. It's one I wrote a while back.
I may, or may not share a list of everything weighing me down here, but either way, I will be writting one out, as I truly believe that journaling is a powerful tool to help you see more clearly.
6.45am - Was a bit of a rough night going from fever to cold, and also having issues wth cathetar not draining so constantly feeling like I need to pee. But I'm doing okay, just sleepy. But I am dozing on and off so thats something.
10.30am - The team has been in, heres the low down! They are keeping good obs on the LHS foob but there is a possibility they may need me to go back into surgery. I still have numbness in the left foot/calf which is giving me the jimmy brits, so it is still in the compression machine. The cathetar is coming out today (Whoo hoo). I'm also going to get up and sit out of bed (thats what the SOOB means on my board), and they will give me a bucket wash. Oh, the Physiotherapist came in today,and so I've got some exercises todo. They are pretty basic and not catered specifically for me, but I will make sure I see a physio when I get home. My spirits are high but that might just be the pain meds LOL.
1.00pm - I had a neurological exam on left foot/calf; they still believe the numbness is from a pinched nerve, but will still order scans to be on safe side. Massage as been recommended, as has keeping it warm and taking an anti-inflammatory aka ibuprofen. They want me to keep wearing the compression stockings and still use the machine too.
Oh the boob front, the nurse used that special needle thing to prick my foob, and its bleeding again. Its a good sign as it means the blood vessel has taken, I just need to make sure I stay warm.
Mash, Mash and more Mash!
I did it! I got up, and shuffled from the bed to the recliner! Here I shall stay for quite a while and that was really tough and exhausting.
Mark resting in my bed, while I soob!
As Donna was just next door at Peter Mac she took time out and come and visit me. I feel so special considering everything she is going through with her own treatment!
And that my friends is it for this Wednesday, don't forget to check your humps for lumps!
P.S.
9.00pm - Just had my dressing changed and cathetar out. OUCH no need for waxing, and EEWW funky feeling.
P.P.S. (Mark here #5 I think!!) Well, Its day two post-op. The girl still hasn't had a decent sleep (me either, tbh). She has a disturbingly deep relationship with her hot air blanket!! Too hot for THIS lil penguin!! Due to the sleeplessness and pain, she is deliriously hilarious! Cracking herself up with her own quips, quotes and anecdotes!! Anywho, keep sending us your messages of love and support; they really mean a lot and help lift the spirits! I'm off! Time to meet with our massive team of multi-disciplinary professionals and it is my duty/PLEASURE to keep em on their toes!! P.S. It hasn't all been 100% smooth sailing. We do have some complications , but her spirits are high and we are facing them with positivity!!
Note: I posted this previously but accidentally deleted it...good thing I save my posts phew!
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
Before I posted my last blog post on Saturday, we went out for lunch with Mum. As it so happened we were early (shock horror), and so took some time to just sit in the sunshine and watch the world go by. Truth be told, we took the selfie more as a way to say "Look! I do actually leave the house occasionally!" LOL.
As you can see, despite all that was lurking under the surface, we wore a mask and put on a smile. Mind you, being together always gives us something to smile about!
During lunch we laughed and told jokes and spoke about this that and the other, but all the while part of me was holding back the tears. Perhaps if we had of been in the comfort of home, I may have been more open, but lets face it, no-one wants to ugly cry whilst out in public. Ain't nobody wanna see that either!
Anyway, once we got home...I finally took the mask off (as you would know if you indeed read my last blog all the way to the end). Admittedly, I did not completely release as even though I do share a considerable amount of my personal life openly on the social media platform, there are some things best left unshared; whether it be for fear of offending another due to being taken the wrong way, it just being way too raw to disclose so publicly or could even just open up a whole other can of worms. Whatever the reason, somethings are best left for personal entries and/or face to face conversations.
Whilst I try for the most part to keep the mask on and be a Positive Polly, I know that it's not always real. Actually, its fake as shit and yet there are times I wish people would reach out, but then when they do I pretend everything is hunky dory anyway, so why would they check in if I'm forever smiling, forever saying "I'm good", and then immediately changing topic of conversation over to them.
Oops I digressed...where was I? Oh yeah, the duality of life is that there are both ups and downs, smiles and frowns and everything else fits somewhere in between; that's the raw and unscripted nature of this wonderful roller coaster ride we are strapped into for our short time here! Sometimes we are throwing our hands up and screaming with glee for more. Other times we are gripping on for dear life just hoping we don't go crashing down to the ground at 100mph. And then, there are the lulls which see us steadily cruise along wondering what comes next!
Must be a song in there somewhere hey? Well, as it turns out there is!
Actually, the song was inspired by a comment that my sweet man left on my blog post, over at my facey site (HERE).
He wrote: "Every heart beat is filled with ups and downs. So too, our lives are filled with smiles and frowns!". - M.V.S
Anyhow, after we finally got up off our butts and got the house all sparkling and smelling Divine plus a few other odd jobs I'd neglected, the plan was for me to just head into bed and watch some mindless TV, whilst Mark ducked down the street to get some fags...yep I need to quit AGAIN, but that's a whole other blog!
Long story short, I picked up the guitar instead and by the time he had gotten home I had composed some music, written a verse, a chorus and had a general idea of what else I wanted to say, but it just wasn't flowing quite right. After a little help from my poetic husband, whalla new song was created, all in about 30 minutes.
Whilst the main inspiration came from my husbands comment, there were also sparks of inspiration from a text conversation I had with my little sister (Marketta) earlier in the week.
Talking about Marketta, her breast cancer journey took on another challenge, and today she is in hospital having an operation to hopefully stop her body producing estrogen. Why? Because despite the drug she was given to stop her producing it, she still is, and since her cancer is HER2-positive (hormone receptor positive), meaning that the cancer cells grow in response to the estrogen produced, this is the best option she was given in order to decrease the chances of it metastasizing, given its aggressive nature. In her words "It is what it is, and you do what you've gotta do".
Gotta say, knowing all that she has gone through, is still going through and yet is more worried about her friend who is sadly very unwell, instills an element of guilt for being so down in the dumps. I know its not a comparisons game, and that we are all allowed to feel whatever it is we feel, but if you really look at the bigger picture, my struggles are a walk in the park really! In saying such however, they are still very real for me, and some days are worse than others!
Which brings me back to the new song, which just so happens to be called Some Days!
Here are the lyrics....
Some Days
Some days its like my mind won't stop turning
And I'm stuck on the merry-go-round
Some days its like my heart is yearning
For something it hasn't found
Every heartbeat has its ups and downs
And every life has its smiles and frowns
The best that we can do
Is put one foot before the other
And just push on through
Tomorrows another day
And the sun will come out
Chase the clouds away
I know its easier to say
But just have a little faith
It will be okay
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Some days its like my tears won't stop flowing
I'm sure I'm gonna drown
Some days its like I'm searching for a corner
In a room that's only round
Every story has a beginning and end
And everybody needs that one true friend
To help them when they're blue
To put one foot before the other
And push on through
Tomorrows another day
And the sun will come out
Chase the clouds away
I know its easier to say
But just have a little faith
It will be okay
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Don't give up
Don't give in
Just keep on pushing
I know you're gonna win
Tomorrows another day
And the sun will come out
Chase the clouds away
I know its easier to say
But just have a little faith
It will be okay
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Music composed by Natasha Hurst-Shilling
Lyrics written by Mark and Natasha Hurst-Shilling
Written on the 24th August 2019
Whilst one could think that the "hey's" were used because I couldn't think of anything else to say, you know a bit like la-la-la's hehehe! They aren't, well, not entirely anyway. You see, my hubster and I have this thing where when we want the other to take their head out of the phone, or to stop cleaning like a mad woman...in other words to stop and truly listen! We start by saying "Hey"!
And you have now reached the end of this blog post. Thanks heaps for taking the time to read and perhaps watch/listen, as always it means heaps.
This is me hoping that if you have been feeling like I do some days, and did have a listen, that I helped you feel even just a little more better than before!
So here we are, Saturday August 24th 2019! So hard to believe that the eighth month of the year is almost behind us. I have to say though, as much as I cannot wait till this cold weather is behind us and summer arrives, I am also no where near ready for the Christmas madness to begin. To be real with you, the thought that it is only a few months away, makes my chest get heavy and my heart start palpitating! Don't get me wrong, I like Christmas, but our finances at the moment are non-existent and unfortunately over the years I have made a rod for my own back with spoiling the boys so much, and I fear that I won't be able to pull it all together like I have in the past. I know its not about material possessions and gifts, but *sigh*. Anyway enough about that for now, let me fill you in on whats been happening in the life and times of moi!
Sunday August 4th, 2019
Yesterday we went out to Holgate Brewhouse in Woodend (seems like so long ago that we used to play (as in sing) there on Friday nights) for an early celebratory birthday lunch with my little sister. Both our family and Jeremy's family were there, which I think is lovely. Today however, was a quiet one at home with feet up, so I took the opportunity to complete a project that Mum had been working on for someone special!
I really dislike working with feather and chenille wool!
Monday 5th August, 2019
Firstly, let me say a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my baby sister! I shouldn't really say 'baby' as she is 38 years young today! OMGoodness, why did I do that calculation, that just makes me feel ancient!
Anyway my boi put together a little video clip for her...you can view it HERE! Such a clever kid!
So I posted this in the morning...
Uni break is officially over and the last leg of my first degree begins today. I am also back at work today, albeit reduced time slots due to working from my red wheels, but at least it means an income (much needed now that I have lost child support due to Glenn no longer having a job) and also doing something I love. Normally, I would have had all our I's dotted and T's crossed before this moment of now BUT they aren't and that is okay...the world keeps on turning, the birds are still chirping merrily, the sun rose and will indeed set, and I will undoubtedly inhale and exhale and keep on going, both wheels at a time hahaha in lieu of one foot in front of the other that is. In other words I am grateful for this perfectly imperfect day and the beautiful chaos that it is!
This followed in the afternoon...
Okay, so whilst the table was lowered and positioned so that I could get around it, this duffa did a trial massage on her hubby without using oil didn't she! Needless to say that this mornings client got a free laughter therapy session at my expense. Lets just say that attempting to maneuver a wheel chair in a tight space with oily hand is not at all graceful! Can't say I didn't try! Omgoodness gotta laugh or else I'd be a blubbering mess. All clients cancelled until further notice...I don't even wanna think about how the heck we are going to get by financially right now...back to laughing it all off, much easier not to think about it!
Tuesday 6th August, 2019
There is a Maori proverb that says “Te tiro atu to kanohi ki tairawhiti ana tera whiti te ra kite ataata ka hinga ki muri kia koe.”, which translates as “Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you". And so today, I took time out to do just that! To sit, to breathe, to surrender in the glory of the sunlight!
See that look on my face, yep its the look of someone worrying ALOT about EVERYTHING! I got a call yesterday afternoon to tell me that my gyno surgery had been swapped to the urgent category, and so it is happening THIS Friday!
Trying to get our lives in 'perfect' order aka mostly the house and everything within in up to date and sparkling, is not the easiest of tasks to do whilst still in a gosh darn bloody wheel chair. I feel so bloody useless at the moment! I know, its only temporary!
Saturday 10th August, 2019
Op done and dusted! Long story short, the op was to remove and further investigate some abnormal cells found in my cervix, and to address some abnormal bleeding issues I have been having. Unfortunately they were unable to do everything they hoped to do, as apparently my cervix is too narrow! WTF does that even mean? I have pushed out two babies FFS!
Anyway, I'm a bit stingy, have a sore throat from being intubated, ultra drowsy from anesthesia and pain meds, a little on the emotional side, but all things considered I'm okay, and very happy to be home. I need to go back in to discuss my options in around six weeks time, if not sooner.
Monday 12th August, 2019
Pretty much sums it up! I have slept 27 of the past 48 hours and still in zombie mode! I know, I know, rest = healing! But, Urgh! Blergh! Blah! LOL - thats my exhausted pigeon impersonation!
Tuesday 13th August 2019
Okay, so yesterday wasn't such a great day, mostly due to frustration! Today was a new mindset game and so this morning I hobbled around the house and did a general tidy, which really only consisted of making our bed and straightening the boys beds (yes, I'm one of those Mums). Then I spent the rest of the day in bed with feet up resting, watching weird ass movies! I'm okay with that though because at least I was buggered for a reason, albeit not from running a marathon (although I was trying to get it done as quick as possible before Mark got back and busted me).
Also been thinking that maybe not being able to work in the wheel chair was a blessing! At least it wasn't stop-start!
I received an awesome card today in the mail from Mum today. It made me cry, happy tears, but tears all the same. I love getting snail mail, such a touching gesture that truly made me feel special!
Sunday 18th August 2019
I have been busy doing NOTHING! Okay, so that's not entirely true...I've been doing ALOT of sitting on my arse watching TV! So, today I forced myself to get up, have a shower and do something...ANYTHING!
As it turned out, that anything was to write a song!
It's been a while between songs! But this weekend I have been helping a good friend of mine navigate a storm shes facing and it inspired me to pick up my guitar and notebook. Sometimes holding on can hurt more than letting go, especially when you don't really know whether you are the only one trying to get to the life raft.
Anyway I finished writing it, and decided to get a video of it straight away. It is raw, it is unscripted, but it is what it is, my new song called Let Me Know!
Monday 19th August 2019
It was back to work for me today (which went great, but admittedly I am pooped and sore), but on my breaks I spent some time with my sweet man working out a piano accompaniment for my new song...so glad I didn't get rid of the kids toy piano LOL. Still a few parts to iron out but I can't wait till my sweet man and I can play it together. Once that's done, I think I might get Ace on his bass, and Jazz on some percussion and see what we can come up with. It feels good to be inspired again!
Saturday 24th August, 2019
And here we are, back in this moment of NOW!
There is a question I've dreaded being asked all week. You know the one...How are you? Like hmmm, do people REALLY want the truth, or do they just want to hear those words "I'm good"? Which are the words I have been saying every time I am asked, although maybe "FINE" would be a more accurate description!
To be honest, I am just feeling so totally overwhelmed by life right now. It feels as though I am floating in a rough sea trying to catch my breath just after being hit by a wave. And I have that feeling of impeding doom lurking because I know that there is another wave on the horizon and I am about to go under again.
Sure, it was awesome to feel inspired enough to write a song, and its great that I am back at work and getting income flowing in again. Oh man, that reminds me that I need to balance our books and I really don't want to look at the credit card balance And yet, how blessed we are to have had the credit card to fall back on these past couple of weeks. Holy shit, do you do that too? You know have an arguementative debate with yourself? It's like for every negative I say, there is a part of me that has an instant positive rebutle...it's so freaking exhausting!
I also should be studying right now instead of writing this, but here we are three weeks in and I have pretty much done zip! I need to get my shit together because I have two huge ass assessments due at the end of week six. This whole study thing is something I love, something I want to do, but I just can't find the get up and go.
I also need to disinfect, vac and mop the house and just can't be fruited...THAT is NOT like me at all! WTF is wrong with me? I am so freaking over myself right now!
FARK what a sad sack! Me feeling like THIS makes me feel so ungrateful for everything good that I have in my life. I mean, there are people out there fighting for theirs and here I am with no spark to truly 'live' mine, other than to exist through it.
I feel lost and lonely, and yet I know exactly where I am, and I know I'm in the place I want to be, with the people I want to be with. How does that even make sense?
My ankles are still sore, and by the end of the day are swollen which makes them sorer. I have put on like 2kgs from sitting on my arse doing nothing, which is making me feel like a huge blimp, and yet I keep shoving 'crap' in my mouth because eating my emotions is just what I have always done. I am still bleeding from my operation which sucks, and I "miss" my husband...like you know...intimately, and we have 4 more weeks of it to go *sigh*!
Anyway, I'm going to stop writing soon and force myself to get up and do something productive. That's part of the key I think, diving head first back into the swing of things. The other is changing things that I don't like at the moment...whilst not a huge list, there are some within my control that I want to change. The biggest of those is feeling disconnected from my kids at the moment, which is alot of my own doing...time to reign in the boundaries that have blurred edges at the moment - ahhh, just another thing I feel like I'm failing at right now!
Okay, enough shade...even the weather has turned to grey in reflection of my mood! The worst part is that I've only just touched the surface of everything going around in my head.
This too shall pass, I just need to get out of my own way first!
If you are an avid reader of this blog then you have probably been thinking..."she's behind again", and waiting ever so patiently for an update. Well the wait is over, and I am here to fill you in on all the raw and unscripted ups, downs, and inbetweens that make up my life!
Monday 4th
UNI started for 2019
And so begins the 3rd and final year of my Bachelor of Complementary Medicine degree. Having 3 months off has been wonderful, but, it takes a while for the study mojo to get sparked up again let me tell you! Gotta say, I am ultra excited to be so close to the finish line...well, of this one anyway - lets not think about the 5 years ahead of me for part B just yet! I do have a feeling that this year is going to be full on though, but I only have 4 subjects to complete, so thats a little bit of pressure off! It also helps knowing I'm not alone and that the sanity girls are only a PM away...I love our daily chit chat! Be sure to buckle up as I recon we are in for one heck of ride ahead!
Thursday 7th
Ace got NITS..cue major panic attack, delousing of his hair, checking of our hair and an all night cleaning spree! OMG like seriously, I am not joking about panic attack F*%?!!!
Friday 8th
Holy heck what a day!
Early morning dental appointment for Mark...the first of what we find out will be many *sigh*. Diabetes is NOT friendly to ones teeth...mind you a referral was sent in July last year! I guess thats the public health system for ya hey! Still better than that of other countries, so I can't really complain too much, it's just mega frustrating watching your husband in pain for so long, and growing more and more self conscious...yes, men struggle with that too!
Looking cool in his shades!
Then it was home to work before heading out again for my mammogram/ultra sound appointment (I did tell you I found another lump yeah?), which took WAY longer than expected as they didn't have my hospital history GRRR...get on the same bloody page people!
After that it was a quick stop at shops before heading home to throw on some glad rags ready to head out to celebrate one of my beautiful besties birthday.
Scrub up okay for an old bat?
But...not before dropping the boys off to Glenns for the weekend and then driving across to Sunbury in peak hour traffic...talk about here there and everywhere today!
Anyway, it was an awesome way to round off a busy day. I had such a great time just sitting chatting, laughing and stuffing my face on yummy Mexican food, albeit way too much! At the start of the night I said to Bec "Don't you get a hat for your birthday here?", to which her reply was "Don't you dare, I'll walk out!". So, it came to the point where we were all just about done, and would all be leaving soon anyway...and, so I organised to get her a hat hahaha! It's all in the timing LOL!
Love ya Baby Girl!
Saturday 9th
For months and months, maybe even 'years', we have been planning on having a garage sale but kept setting a date and then cancelling it due to not being organised enough. Anyway, because we had planned on a garage sale, all the stuff we (and Mum) have no longer needed/wanted has been placed willy-nilly out into said garage. As you can imagine, it was starting to look like a bomb had exploded and was beginning to burst at the seams. So, I decided this weekend (given Monday was Labour Day holiday) was as good a time as any to get in there and start sorting through it!
What started out as 'just sorting through and tidying', ended up being way more! I took photos of EVERYTHING and posted them on facebook in an ONLINE GARAGE SALE! Holy crap, the beeping from messages and comments was insane, but ultra effective! Before we knew it the items were being sold and our garage was well and truly getting cleared.
NOTE: For those thinking of doing it, whilst a good way to rid of 'stuff' and to make some money in the process, it is ultra time consuming! The photos, the uploading, the answering of comments and messages, the putting aside of items until they get picked up, the following up of people that didn't pick up items and then reposting because they have changed their mind, or just don't bother replying. Not something I would do again in a hurry!
Sunday 10th
As we were on a roll we figured that since we were going to be out there sorting again we may as well advertise that people could come and look through - an impromptu garage sale if you will. We ended up calling it quits early due to a sudden change in the weather. It wasn't completely a wasted day as I got to start sorting through the photography and gym gear (I have to add here that as much as there was a part of me that was a little sad at letting go of things that were a part of my life for so long, it also felt awesome to detach from it) AND we learnt that we needed better advertising for a garage sale to work properly AND that things needed to be displayed and not in boxes!
With that being said, we decided to actually commit and set a proper date...Saturday April 13th! Little did we know, that the garage sale was about to get alot more stuff added to it and the garage that we sorted, was about to become full yet again!
Monday 11th
I decided it was time to do a clothes cull, so everything was pulled out of my drawers and the wardrobe and put on the spare bed for me to sort through. I didn't get much done to be honest, its very hard to try on clothes to see if they fit properly when your belly has distended to that of a 6 month pregnant woman, and you are worried that everything will get blood stained - sorry TMI I know, but its real! TTOTM sucks!
Tuesday 12th
Weather change = A sick me! So...all the clothes that I pulled out of my wardrobe yesterday to sort through, are still sitting there, messing with my head!
Lucky I can just close the spare room door!
Wednesday 13th
Work cancelled and a day of rest for me! Well physical rest anyway, having to cancel work means I stress over finances and feel like I am letting the team and all my clients down. Add to that the fact that there are clothes yet to be sorted which equals MESS!
Today was our 4 years of us becoming a proper couple and Mark no longer sleeping on the couch anniversary. As much as milestones are nice to look back on and celebrate (if and when we remember - to be honest both of us forgot this one until a week later) everyday together is a true blessing.
Thursday 14th
Off to docs...needed to go for results anyway.
Viral Infection, swollen glands, fluid in ears, mild fever, lungs sound wheezy...Awesome NOT, I certainly do not do things by halves! Need to book in for a COPD test when I feel better, but for now REST! Sounds silly, but once the doctor actually confirmed I was sick, I felt less guilty resting.
Hot soup is always good when you are sick!
As for the results...
I have abnormal cells in the cervix so I need a pelvic ultra sound - joy of joys! Mammogram shows changes around the biopsy site and a definite new lump, but as it does not look suspicious and I am going to see surgeon in May its just a matter of waiting, and ofcourse checking for any further changes. Freaking heck...no real answers, just more waiting...that really helps the anxiety NOT!
I cancelled my MHFA workshop for the weekend, spewing too as I was really looking forward to gaining the extra qualification. I've completed the certificiate part online but just need to do the face to face. Hopefully I will do that by the end of the year but at the moment I just can't push through.
Oh and we also had to do a retreatment of hair! Aces hair is so long so it takes ages!!! He is not keen on tying it back as he gets picked on at school, but hopefully knowing now how much me combing through it hurts, he will ignore them (easier said than done, I understand that). Oh gosh, how dirty they make me feel and yet, I know, I know, they like 'clean' hair! Seriously though, even just writing about it makes me feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin!
Friday 15th
Another dental appointment for Marky, poor bugger had a couple of teeth pulled OUCH. He is so self conscious of his smile, but I still think he is ultra handsome - Collingwood smile and all! Anyway as they were worried he may hypo, I needed to be there SO I took my pillows and blankets and rested in the car...yep I even stayed in my PJS LOL!
Monday 18th
Back on my feet and back to work!
Tuesday 19th
Today was supposed to be my study day, but I decided to declutter/clean/rearrange our bedroom instead. Clothes however, are still sitting in the spare room LOL!
If you don't already know...when I am anxious, worried, stressed, angry etc..I clean! It helps me to process my thoughts and my emotions.
Before...well kinda, I didn't get a proper before pic darn it!
BEFORE: The above photo isn't exactly a proper before representation, that is more a before-before-before one LOL. Replace rocking chair with a big pink antique chair (you will see what I mean in after photo). Add another display cabinet on top of the tallboy with a heap more trinkety things on it. And, at the end of the bed was two cube boxes on top of each other with the TV etc in it. Yes, I know, not good sleep hygiene BUT we ensure it is switched off to sleep and I personally like having some alone time every now and then to watch 'chick flicks'. Oh we also had like an old tin chest in there too next to the tallboy, which had all of Marks bits and pieces in it.
Also, I just felt like I needed a change...and so I certainly made one!
After - we are absolutely loving our space right now!
AFTER: I have made a few adjustments since taking these pics. One of them is removing the red artwork and putting up a tram carriage luggage rack which has hat boxes on it.
Another is putting up black block out curtains. And the final change was made to the piece hanging above the bed as I found a few other wedding things to add to it.
Speaking of such...one of my favourite things in our room, is that we used the driftwood stick we picked up on one of our travels as the frame for our over the bed art piece. I love having our dream catchers and wedding charms displayed. How blessed we feel laying here looking up at all these beautiful treasures gifted to us by our precious friends. Oooh did you know that in 1 month and 2 days time it will be our first wedding anniversary...makes having these on display even more spesh!
I also love that we have been able to proudly display one of our wedding signs. I left space on each side to eventually print up and hang a couple of wedding pics, which I think will finish off the space perfectly!
Anyway, as is always the case after a mad cleaning frenzy in one room, the rest of the house ends up looking like a bomb exploded...more cleaning ahead!
Thursday 21st
Went for a pelvic ultra sound this morning. Had to drink a shit tonne of water before hand and hold it in for an hour before the appointment. Ofcourse on the way there my darling hubster hit every bloody pothole...well it felt that way at least. By the time we got to the radiographers I seriously thought I was going to leave a trail of wee behind me. Luckily we didn't have long to wait AND they let me go and let a little bit out, which was good but so ultra hard to stop at the same time, I mean how do you shut the flood gates when the waterfall is running rapidly - you get my drift. Thankfully it didn't take too long for her to do both external and internal exam, and then I was able to pee freely and head home to work.
And because the day wasn't already busy enough, I also had to go into bloody centrelink for a random review. OMG like seriously, such a pain in the arse, especially when I keep them updated about everything. It went smoothly really, I guess it helped that I was ultra organised and had all the paperwork (plus some) on hand with me. I also made sure to check my attitude before going in, ensuring I was happy and cooperative and not cranky LOL, hard to do when dealing with centerlink! Whist we were there we also got our medicare cards changed to reflect our NEW family, so that was a bonus! Still have to change our name though BUT I need to finalise my citizenship stuff before that can be done (the lack of $ is preventing that from happening)!
Oh, guess who shared her germs, yep Marky caught my virus...I knew I should of sent him to the couch!
Friday 22nd
Finally finished sorting through my clothes, and it is safe to say I was indeed RUTHLESS!
All off to the opshop! AND there are some for the garage sale!
I even threw away my 'comfort' jacket!
Saturday 23rd
When the boys came home from school on Tuesday and saw our room, this happened...
1. I love that they acknowledge the work we put in!
2. We must be doing something right if teenage boys still want to have sleepovers with their folks!
3. I should have known they'd want to do theirs too...but which one first and how to arrange it, and when? Definitely wasn't Tuesday night like Jazz was hoping...he must think I'm supermum!
So the question of WHEN? was TODAY! And the other question of which one first...was for some ridiculously stupid reason...both at the same time! I am sucker for punishment OMG, talk about making things hard for myself!
What this meant for me...is that everything (well except the furniture that stayed in the room) got pulled out of the room so that I had a blank canvas to work with. And, so its easier to clean the walls, skirtings, carpet, windows...you know a good deep clean rather than the usual general tidy - spot clean!
So essentially I made more mess in the process = major headF*#$
Tuesday 26th
I finally finished the boys rooms - PHEW! They look and feel much better. Again, I forgot to take a before pic which is really annoying, but I was so uni focused on just getting them done.
It took a little longer than expected as not only did we put up shelves for their name plates (the ends of their old racing car beds on their first skate boards), we also turned our old computer cupboard into a wardrobe for Aces room. The hinges proved to be a right royal pain in the backside!
Jazz's Room
Ace's Room
WAS a computer cupboard - NOW a wardrobe
The boys rocks collected on our adventures - LOVE!
Wednesday 27th
Back to the quack today for some more results. Cancer HPV Screen was clear thank fuck for that BUT they don't know why they cells are abnormal and they said ultra sound was inconsistent due to an obstruction WTF does that mean? Anyway, I have been referred on to a specialist in Ballarat...how long the wait will be is anyones guess. How long is a piece of string?
We had Marks endocrinologist appointment today with the new specialist, and we both really like him...also a bonus that he is in Melton and all on Medicare!
RIP Jodie
Today I heard that an old flame of mine passed away. It hit me hard! I think part of the grief comes from not reaching out more and staying in touch. I guess that happens when you just decide to let go so you can both move on. I pulled out all of my keepsakes I had of her tonight (yes I kept them, I'm a sentimental softie). Her teddy bear with her name on it; she has (had) my name bear, her old perfume bottle, every single note/letter she ever wrote me, photos of the two of us. So many memories, both good and not so good. There is no denying we loved each other, it just wasn't enough...for me anyway - it was always me that couldn't give all of myself to her the way she did with me. Life was so different back then, so intense, such a big part of my existence and just like that it all changed. I never stopped loving her though and I never will.
A while back we used to message each other on facebook. During one of those times she asked when I was coming to visit, and as always despite me saying I thought about it, it just never became a reality.
If only I could turn back time and jump on that plane, rather than waiting till 2037 thinking that she would still be here!
Hey you! "Come what may" we will meet again! Rest in peace Jodie. Who are we kidding though yeah, you will be up there running a muck beaming your beautiful smile at everyone and making hearts melt, you beautiful soul YOU!
I wrote this for her a while back...
Thursday 28th
And the decluttering/Cleaning Spree continues...
I decided to swap the study and spare room around, which meant shit was everywhere!
Uni is full on so I should be studying BUT I am doing my forum posts on my breaks so thats something.
I have insomnia really badly at the moment too, there is so much on my mind and the house being turned upside down is not helping.
Friday 29th
We were supposed to be going out to a community festival tonight but there are fires nearby and the wind is really strong, so we aren't going. I'm glad about that as I am in a really shitty head space right now....I just want to finish my house which is taking ages because I am being RUTHLESS!
I think Mum finally got it today when she popped in and saw shit everywhere. I guess its one thing to explain it over the phone and another to actually see it for yourself. My bestie also popped over tonight. I sent her a message before coming to say that the house looks like a bomb hit, but even her reaction was like 'Holy Shit' when she walked in LOL.
Both of them were amazed at the amount of 'STUFF' and wondered where it all came from. That my friends is what you call amazing tetris skills...clutter gets well hidden...good on one hand, not on another!
Sunday 31st
It has been a huge task but I finally have my office all done.
I got rid of 3 garbage bags full of paper and 4 boxes of old treasures! Feeling much more inspired to write my essays for my two uni assessments due in the next two weeks!
Next on the list is the spare room/sitting room!
P.S. Sorry about the change in tense from past to present...this catch up bizo is a little tricky, especially when I had written bits and bobs along the way. Anywho, stay tuned as April catch up will be posted soon(ish)!
