May 2019

Wednesday 1st

You remember how I wasn't going to wait up for results this year...well I did for this one as it was worth 50% of my subject grade and was playing on my mind. I was so relieved when I saw 45/50. Maybe I work better in a haze of mess LOL. 

Thursday 2nd 

So even though I only need 5% to pass the subject I am so stressed over my next assessment right now. It doesn't help that the lecturer hasn't replied to my message to confirm if my topic is okay. I think the stress is also due to it being a topic I am am passionate about; I'm doing a health promotion poster and my topic is self breast examination for young woman. 

Talking about such...have you checked your boobs lately? 

Friday 3rd 

Mark and I had a little lovers quarrel tonight over something that I believed was him making a mountain out of a molehill. In hindsight, I can see his point of view...essentially I was insensitive! Luckily our spats are few and far between and don't last very long.

Then, I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning working on my assessment because I lost everything I had worked on...new program dramas are real people! Luckily, I had saved a draft in the old platform...but still a major HF! 

Saturday 4th 

May the 4th be with you all **hehe** sorry I couldn't resist!

Today I finally completed my assessment **major sigh of relief** 

AND 

As everything else was all done, I figured a nice hot relaxing bath (and a glass of moscato) was the perfect way to reward my efforts! 

Oh boy, was it lovely! I even let my man join me *Oh la la la* 

Why is it that I do not make time to stop and have a bath more often? 

It is definitely something that I intend to change. Perhaps it will become my 'assessment submitted' reward. 

Our favourite band is on at the pub tonight, but after my bath (or maybe its the wine) I'm a little too relaxed to even get dressed hahaha! So instead it's bed and snuggle time! And Indian takeway too YUM! 

Wednesday 8th 

Grade for the second assessment of Public Health was released today...29/30! Again, I ponder the whole working better in a haze of mess! I only need 2% to pass the subject yee har! 

Today I had my Gyno appointment, which was a waste of time as he couldn't check anything out due to it being TTOTM...so another appointment has been made! 

Mum also had her appointment today too, which went well and she doesn't need to go back for another year...AWESOME NEWS! 

Since we were up in Ballarat we organised a lunch date with my beautiful cousin Michelle. It was so good to get to have some proper time together, except as is always the case the time went way too quickly! 

Oh...I haven't told you. My little sister Marketta is the ambassador for this years Geelong Mothers Day Classic; raising much needed funds for Breast Cancer research - her fundraising page is HERE. 

Check out her newspaper articles HERE and HERE! 

Thursday 9th 

Had Jazz's ILP meeting at school today. No surprises that he is trying ultra hard and doing really well. We were surprised to hear that he had been attempting 'at level' work though, not to say that he is at level but the fact that he is willing to give it a go, and doesn't get upset by the fact that it is challenging is a positive. I say it all the time but if he could get dux based on effort alone, that kid would have it hands down! 

Mum and Dad (Marks folks) came over from Tassie this week and so came and spent the night with us. It is always so wonderful chatting with them into the wee hours of the morning. I love that they acknowledge how happy Mark is, and thank me for it. Honestly though, he makes me just as happy *gush*. 

Friday 10th

Today Mum and I went on our traditional 'opshopping spree', I thought we may have needed an Ark to get around town as it belted down with rain all day! So good though as it was much needed!

Then we all went out for a late lunch at Hogs Breath in Melton. The boys took the day off, and my Mum met us there too which made it even more special.

Hogs Breath Dessert - YUM!

Today would have been my parents 45th Wedding Anniversary. They were SO young! My Dad was turning 20 the next day, my Mum was 19...and yep 2 months pregnant with me. Yes I'm the product of a holiday romance between a blue eyed, blonde haired Australian beauty and a tall dark handsome Maori boy. Oh what a love story! My Mum, upon speaking about my Dad, once said "he was like my drug that I just couldn't get enough of"...such powerful words, such a deep love! Whilst sadly their marriage did not last, there is absolutely no denying that their love for each other did.

That's Koro next to my Dad...maybe that's what Dad would look like?

Saturday 11th

Today would have been my Dad's 65th Birthday, and yet to me he will eternally be 36 (the age he was when he passed). I cannot actually even imagine what he would of been like as an 'old man'. Not that 65 is old. Mind you, I can remember when he passed and everyone saying 'Oh gosh he was so young' and yet there I was at 16 thinking 'Really???'. Now that I'm an old bat...I get it, yep way too young!

Whilst not physically with me there are times when I catch a glimpse of him in Aces eyes, Jazzs cheeky grin or my own facial expressions when I sing and I know a part of him is here with me always. He will always be my hero and I will always be his little girl.

Today while the boys went shopping for gifts for me, I took my Mum shopping for gifts for her. It felt nice spoiling her, although she kept on looking at the price of things she liked and then putting it back. She also kept trying to buy me things which was not the point of our outing. I managed to deter her and instead she bought the boys a new top each which they love. 

After our shopping expedition we all went out for lunch at the Fleece...Fish 'n' Chips and Salad, my fav yummy!

Sunday 12th

I personally don't believe that you need a special day to show and tell the people that you love, how special they are to you...it should be a given EVERYDAY! But, in saying that, it is nice to have a day where a little bit of extra effort is invested into ensuring they 'know' and 'feel' they are important! So to all the Mums out there today (be it biological, step, foster, aunt, nan or the blokes who play both roles), I hope you know your worth. I hope you know that you are precious to those who matter most... 

To my Mum Kathy, Thank you for never giving up on me, for always pushing me to be who you believe I can aspire to be, for the support you provide day in and day out. As much I know I can stand on my own two feet (after all, you raised us to be independent, outspoken, hard headed and driven young woman), I also know I would be lost without you. 

To my MIL, thank you for raising a son who is not afraid to show love and who puts his Queen at the forefront of his home. 

We told the kids they couldn't go in the water on our wedding day LOL 

Photo by JJ Photography 

To those whose Mum is not with them today, know I am wrapping my arms around you from afar. 

My sweet man wrote my a poem for Mothers Day. I love how he makes me feel so special! 

Today we all give homage 

To those who gave us life.

Our dear amazing mothers

Like my sweet darling wife!

I've seen the way she loves our boys.

Sweet motherly affection

Yet swift to action "monster-mode"

If our boys need protection!

She gives of all she has for them 

Of money, time or skills 

Because she wants the best for them 

A life with all "the frills"!! 

So here's a shout out to my wife 

Although she's not MY mother! 

She truly is splendiforous 

And unlike ANY other! 

Today not only did I get to have a sleep in, but I was also showered with lovely gifts from my precious boys (and of course my darling husband). There were lots of morning snuggles (my favourite part of each and every day), laughs (omgoodness my mind is sometimes a little not so clean...btw its a deodorant can lid...oh gosh "MUM, what were you thinking!!!"), moments of keeping it real with practical jokes at Mums expense (I told them off for buying a bag when we have plenty, so said bag was wrapped as a gift AND of course the given answer whenever it comes to the question of what one needs is undies...SO, I got some of theirs LOL). I feel very spoilt with so many presents, which they of course helped me unwrap. I love that they still do that, they get so excited by giving, which makes my heart smile. And, I must also admit that this softie had a little teary moment upon reading the beautiful heartfelt message in her card! 

Being a Mum is seriously the most challenging and rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. It is not always moonbeams and butterflies that's for sure, but if I do nothing else right in my life, I KNOW that I have done the best I could at raising two amazing young men. They may give me the shits on many occasions, but my pride meter for each of them is off the charts. 

This would have to be one of my favourite photos of the 3 of us....these little guys are my world and without them my life would have no purpose. 

Thank you to my friend Anne for capturing this moment forever x

Monday 13th 

I am meeting with the Breast surgeon today. I am hoping that I come out of my appointment with answers to my long list of questions. A surgery date booked would also be a bonus, although I might be pushing it there! I just really want to stop feeling like I am in limbo, I want to get it all over and done with so this daily anxiety, this feeling of impending doom can bugger off! Oh well, whatever happens happens, I just need to release expectation and trust the process...so much easier said than done! 

Okay, here's an update on today's appointment which was actually with the Breast 'Plastic' Surgeon (Dean Trotter) and not the Breast Surgeon like I thought...well I actually thought today was with both but nope just one. 

Whilst I didn't get all of my questions answered, I did get some answered, but then again I also left with more questions...well decisions really - BIG ONES...as if this decision wasn't already big enough (although one I firmly believe is right for me...fear does make you second guess yourself though)! 

DECISIONS...

A) To keep my nipples or not to keep my nipples? 

If I keep them, then I need to have a breast lift first as my puppies are currently pointed south. This will be my first operation and is purely a cosmetic one. If I don't keep them, then risk prevention will start immediately. Either way, sensitivity of the nipple will be lost, so it purely comes down to asthetics and personal choice. There is an option of having a nipple reconstruction and tattooing done down the track.

B) To have implants or to use my own skin?

Implants are the simpliest option but also come with its downfalls. If I use my own tissue it will be from my inner things as I don't have enough on my tummy, and using my back fat would make me look disproportioned in the long run. Fat grafting/lipo will probably need to be done too, I was pretty happy that he said he could fix up my dog ears when doing it.

Anyway I have written down a list of questions (6 pages worth actually) am hoping my questions/decisions can be answered/assisted when I get to see the Breast Care Nurse, and when I attend a BRA (Breast Reconstruction Awareness) Meeting. 

I have 4 weeks to research it all before my next appointment where I will choose which waiting list I will stay on for whichever path I choose to take on this journey. 

Oh...I also need to give up smoking before he will put me on the list! I mean its a contradiction anyway...having a major surgery to remove my breasts because my chance of getting breast cancer is 90-95% but I'm inhaling cancer causing toxins because I smoke hhhhmmm!

As for a date...I'm looking at 13 months time so June/July 2020...I am hoping it will be after Jazz's 15th birthday as I really don't want to miss another one because of being in hospital.

I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed by it all at the moment, it all seems so surreal to be honest. 

I have found an awesome online support group though through pinkhopeaus with lots of stories shared of people in similar circumstances, so that has made a big difference...it is nice to not feel alone! I know I'm not...but in a way, only I can make this decision based upon what I feel is best for my family...for me!

I hadn't really shared much of this journey on facebook for fear of judgement, but tonight I did. I am so thankful that I did as the messages of support have been so incredibly overwhelming. So blessed!

Tuesday 14th

We had a meeting with Ace's year level coordinator this afternoon. Seriously hoping that they can put some strategies into place to help him. It doesn't help that he isn't really interested. I really wish I had of had him assessed the way I did with Jazz as I KNOW he needs the assistance. The teacher said that it is an option (a difficult one, but one all the same), but when I spoke to Ace about it he broke down saying that he didn't want to be called a 'dumb arse' by the kids at school for having an aide. So, I suggested home schooling...again it did not go down well. So I kind of feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I mean he has no idea what he wants to do with his life yet, and that's ok...shit I'm in my 40's and only just figuring that shit out. But I really feel that it is important for him to stay in school for as long as possible. I have been sitting with him and making him do homework, but seriously it takes me an hour to get him motivated and then another hour to do only part of it...how many hours do they expect him spend on homework each night - everyone needs and deserves down time. I am sure it will work out, I am sure I will work it out, but right now I feel like my son might be drowning and I just hope that he decides to grab on to the lifeline I am throwing out, or at least starts treading water rather than swallowing it!

Wednesday 15th 

Ace starting sniffling and coughing last night (is it anywonder STRESS), and surprise surprise I also woke up feeling like crap. So much so that after doing a massage, I came inside cancelled everyone else and went to bed. 

Thursday 16th 

Stayed in bed all day watching movies with Ace. 

Friday 17th 

The rest did us both the world of good and it was back to work and school! 

Saturday 18th 

There is no tomorrow and yet, we plan ahead for it in this moment that we have now, wasting our breath on what may never come. Living fully means living a life of faith. Surrendering ourselves to the notion that our plans are in fact made to fail, as we have no real control over what comes next! 

These are my ponderings as I go about my day. Well, as I sit here contemplating the list of things that need doing and a million thoughts that are crowding my mind that need addressing! 

The blue sky and the beauty of the rust coloured leaves that hang crinkled from the branches of our magnificent tree is capturing my attention more so right now, and that's okay...for in this moment of now, watching her dance in the cool breeze, I am at peace. 

Tuesday 21st 

Today I made some time for ME and booked in for a massage with the lovely @sonjaljavroska_wellnesscoach. Oh gosh my entire being; body, mind and soul needed it so much and now I am feeling as though that 'tap' of infinite possibility has been nudged open (once again). I MUST book in regularly. The reason I don't is because finances are tight, but I am so worth it, and considering I do 10 to 15 hours of massages for others each week, I well and truly bloody deserve one!

So here's a very blissful me sending love, light and peace out into the universe, along with a big MWAH.

Wednesday 22nd

Whilst today's plans did not include spending the most part of it in the Emergency Department with my darling husband, who has a severe UTI, severe case of prostatitis and sugar levels through the roof...

I am so thankful that we have amazing medical care at our door step AND that his blood results were okay enough to allow him to come home. Hoping that things improve from here! 

Saturday 25th

This is how my hair has been ALL DAY plus I've stayed in my PJs (yes, that means no bra) AND I didn't make my bed nor lift a finger around the house! What makes this such a biggie for me however, is that I even knew we were expecting visitors at different points today AND I still didn't run around like the headless chook I usually would. I'm at peace with ME, at peace with the fact that today, this is what you get...maybe even tomorrow too - but then again anything is possible!

So one of those visitors was Marks sister Debbie (and Kiralee too). You know when you wish time would stand still? Well that is how I feel when we get together...especially when we talk about Christianity - there is so much to learn, so much to contemplate, so much to debate (in a friendly way ofcourse). 

Thinking maybe a theology course might be interesting to do LOL...I will just add it to my long list of courses...see I told ya I could be a perpetual student AND yet...the stress of uni is insane! 

How ultra cute is this little pot of happiness she gave us...love it! Thank you Sis! 

Sunday 26th 

The other visitor yesterday, who also called me early this morning to wake me up so she could use the loo (hahaha priceless) is my gorgeous bestie Bec. 

Yes we are both in our PJS hehehe! 

Monday 27th 

I had my 3 hour appointment with the breast care nurse today. I am happy to report that it helped immensely and I am feeling much more at peace about the decisions I have made (albeit still on the overwhelming side). What a difference having an adequate amount of TIME to sit, chat and have questions answers makes. Mind you, I have since thought of more questions but I will have the opportunity to ask them next week at the first of my BRA (Breast Reconstruction Awareness) meetings. 

Anyway the pic above is of a piece of tape, which will possibly be used over the wound sites, instead of stitches. I say possibly as I am allergic to most other kinds of tape, so we are giving it a trial run. I had an initial reaction but it has settled down so fingers crossed. 

Wednesday 29th 

I had my gynocology appointment today. 

I ended up giving the boys off school and taking them with me as I had to be in Ballarat at 8.50am and trying to arrange the boys getting to school when the weather was absolutely shocking was doing my head in. They happily sat in the waiting room. 

I had a cervical biospy done...results soonish! 

Whilst very uncomfortable there were some funny moments.... 

Like the Gyno telling me I had laid an egg, to which I replied with a "bwak bwak". And then him telling me he would be able to remember me now as I had a nice cervix. Seriously I thought stuff like that was only said on television. 

Afterwards he gave me two options to consider in regard to how horrible TTOTM is for me. 

1) A Mirena-IUD

or 

2) A proceedure called a NovaSure

I am leaning more towards option two! 

As for the other concerns namely the abnormal cells and other stuff that is a little TMI for even me to share on this platform, he said we'd discuss all that in the next visit. 

The rest of the day I spent resting until we had to head out again to Marks endo appointment. Long story short despite all our changes, which we can admittedly finetune; his sugars have gone UP! So, that means a weekly injection from now on and back again in two months time for another review. 

And just like another month has gone by.... 

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to give this blog a read, it truly means the world to me!