Here we go again!

Okay, so its been 2 years and 3 months since I've done a deep and meaningful blog post on the life and times of Tash, so I hope you are ready for it.  Maybe it would be best for you to go and make yourself a cuppa first!

I will be completely honest, I have been riding a pendulum about whether to post this or not as quite honestly it feels like a dark portal from the past has engulfed me and and I am once again fighting the demons I overcome way back when..., but here I am!

I would have loved to get on here and tell you that everything is all hunky dory, but truth be told, I have lost the 'spark' I once had for life!  Maybe its with our households odd socks haha!

I don't know exactly when and why my spark for life fizzled. Although, I do know that for months now, dare I say at least 18 of them, I have allowed myself to be defeated by things that I can't control rather than focusing on things I can. As a result, I am no longer in that place where I was proud of the person I worked my arse off to become, the one who was comfortable in her own skin, the one who felt happy on all levels of her being; mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, essentially!

Not to say I'm not happy, I mean why wouldn't I be, I have an amazing husband and fantastic kids, a great family, awesome friends, and I'm following my dreams to become a Naturopath, but...

And there it is, the 'but ...'! 

Its that but ..., that has me feeling frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, sad, lonely, and exhausted beyond words!

There are days I have no get up and go what so ever...,

There are days where I don't shower and so I'm still in the clothes I was wearing a few days ago...,

There are days where my house is less than the standard that I personally like to maintain...,

There are days where the thought of going out and having to talk to people outside of my bubble sends me into a panic...,

There are days where I can cry at the drop of a hat...,

There are days where I am an emotionless cold hearted b*...,

And there are days where dark thoughts creep in and scare the absolute crap out of me...!

So yeah, how's that for real hey eekkk!  

I guess if I were to sum it up, I feel like I've just been enduring life, and not fully living or embracing it!

Look, I know there are valid reasons for it. Afterall, I have my husband, friends, counsellor, naturopath etc, who all remind me to acknowledge the trauma my body has been through as a valid reason!  Plus, I am a chronic overthinker who has done a shizzle tonne of self analysis to ensure that I wasn't just hiding behind excuses!  Although admittedly some excuses do exist, but I'll leave them for another time or else this blog will end up even more epic than it's already going to be.

For those who have been following along, in all truth a big part of the reason for my 'current feels' does relate to the after effects of the mastectomy/hysterectomy. Although I feel if I continue on this topic I'll digress and end up down a whole other rabbit hole, so for now let's leave this one here too!  I mean, the fact that this is a factor, annoys me to no end, and yes I know PTSD is real!  But like I said let's leave this here for now!

So what am I ready to talk about?  Hmm, the fact that I am sitting here feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and thus, hiding away under my security blanket, aka my trusted oodie because of it! I am over feeling this way! 

I am also sick of this sad sack that I've become! I used to be such a becon of positivity, determined to focus on the silver lining.  So much so that it was on the verge of unhealthy positivity; yes that is actually a thing!  I feel like I've lost that optimism and it has instead been replaced by cynicism, seeing me focusing on the negative aspects of life.

Anyway as the saying goes, if you don't like it, change it. And if you can't change it, change the way you look at it blah blah!

So, it's time for me to do what is in my power to regain control of my life, or at least try to look at those I can't control from a different lense.

Easier said than done let me tell you!  As I said  before, there are 'reasons' outside of my control that are going to make this journey incredibly freaking frustrating, and dare I say, even almost impossible at times.

However, I am digging deep to find that fire that used to burn bright, the one that fueled the girl who kept getting up nomatter how many times she was knocked down.  The one who despite being told she'd never have full control of leg again, did personal training sessions one legged to build the strength to run again and prove them wrong!

Yes that's right folks, I am embarking on a journey to unshed the layers that have buried the healthier, happier me.

I will say though, I must have been so much braver in the past, because the thought of documenting my journey in a public forum, is freaking the absolute crap out of me! Hence the pendulum ride eeekkk!

Let's unpack that a bit shall we?

Why am I so fearful of sharing this journey at this stage of my life? Especially when I have reached a point where quite honestly, unless I value someone as a person, their opinion means diddly squat to me!  I shall not cast my pearls before swine (Mathew 7:6).  In other words, I won't let the opinions of those I don't value affect me as my judgement comes from my creator alone (James 4:12)!

I know without a shadow of a doubt that those I value, aren't going to be judging me.  Hell, they'll be the ones screaming for blue murder on the sidelines telling me I've got this!  I mean afterall, they are my sanity and becons of light even on the days they drive be bonkers, go figure huh!

So what gives?

Honestly, I believe its because I am disgusted in myself, and feeling utterly ashamed! How the actual fudgsticle stick did I get here AGAIN when I promised myself I wouldn't!

And yes I know, there are reasons but that doesn't erase the shame I feel.  And yes, self love, compassion, and forgiveness is all part of this journey.

What I definitely don't want is the focus of this journey to be all about my weight, because it's more than just a number on the scales. And yet, at the same time it always seems to come back to that and it annoys me immensely!

I have sidestepped around this topic time and time again because I know it's a major 'destruction mode' trigger for me.  Infact one of my past triggers was due to my body dysmorphia after the tuck tummy.

However, I can't keep avoid it! Because the more I do, the more defeated I feel.

So here I am!

I decided to share this post in the hopes that with you standing on the sidelines, or perhaps even walking along side me, that it will continue to motivate me to forge ahead with healthy dedication, even when the climb seems too much to bare, and the potholes on my path look more like giant caverns that will swallow me whole.

I have faith that I will endure as God shall renew my strength; I will fly like an eagle, I will run and not be weary, and I shall walk and not be faint" (Isiah 40:31).

I won't guarantee a daily post, but I will be posting updates to share my deepest and innermost thoughts and feelings about the journey ahead!

Much Love, Light and Peace.

Tash!

XOX

P.S.  I took the oodie off to capture these today!  The snake skin leggins are actually quite appropriate hey, considering the whole shedding layers spiel!