August 2019...Part 1

So here we are, Saturday August 24th 2019!  So hard to believe that the eighth month of the year is almost behind us.  I have to say though, as much as I cannot wait till this cold weather is behind us and summer arrives, I am also no where near ready for the Christmas madness to begin.  To be real with you, the thought that it is only a few months away, makes my chest get heavy and my heart start palpitating!  Don't get me wrong, I like Christmas, but our finances at the moment are non-existent and unfortunately over the years I have made a rod for my own back with spoiling the boys so much, and I fear that I won't be able to pull it all together like I have in the past.  I know its not about material possessions and gifts, but *sigh*.  Anyway enough about that for now, let me fill you in on whats been happening in the life and times of moi!

Sunday August 4th, 2019

Yesterday we went out to Holgate Brewhouse in Woodend (seems like so long ago that we used to play (as in sing) there on Friday nights) for an early celebratory birthday lunch with my little sister.  Both our family and Jeremy's family were there, which I think is lovely.  Today however, was a quiet one at home with feet up, so I took the opportunity to complete a project that Mum had been working on for someone special!

 I really dislike working with feather and chenille wool!

Monday 5th August, 2019

Firstly, let me say a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my baby sister!  I shouldn't really say 'baby' as she is 38 years young today!  OMGoodness, why did I do that calculation, that just makes me feel ancient!

Anyway my boi put together a little video clip for her...you can view it HERE!  Such a clever kid!

So I posted this in the morning...

Uni break is officially over and the last leg of my first degree begins today.  I am also back at work today, albeit reduced time slots due to working from my red wheels, but at least it means an income (much needed now that I have lost child support due to Glenn no longer having a job) and also doing something I love. Normally, I would have had all our I's dotted and T's crossed before this moment of now BUT they aren't and that is okay...the world keeps on turning, the birds are still chirping merrily, the sun rose and will indeed set, and I will undoubtedly inhale and exhale and keep on going, both wheels at a time hahaha in lieu of one foot in front of the other that is.  In other words I am grateful for this perfectly imperfect day and the beautiful chaos that it is!

This followed in the afternoon...

Okay, so whilst the table was lowered and positioned so that I could get around it, this duffa did a trial massage on her hubby without using oil didn't she! Needless to say that this mornings client got a free laughter therapy session at my expense. Lets just say that attempting to maneuver a wheel chair in a tight space with oily hand is not at all graceful! Can't say I didn't try! Omgoodness gotta laugh or else I'd be a blubbering mess.  All clients cancelled until further notice...I don't even wanna think about how the heck we are going to get by financially right now...back to laughing it all off, much easier not to think about it!

Tuesday 6th August, 2019

There is a Maori proverb that says “Te tiro atu to kanohi ki tairawhiti ana tera whiti te ra kite ataata ka hinga ki muri kia koe.”, which translates as “Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you". And so today, I took time out to do just that! To sit, to breathe, to surrender in the glory of the sunlight! 

See that look on my face, yep its the look of someone worrying ALOT about EVERYTHING!  I got a call yesterday afternoon to tell me that my gyno surgery had been swapped to the urgent category, and so it is happening THIS Friday! 

Trying to get our lives in 'perfect' order aka mostly the house and everything within in up to date and sparkling, is not the easiest of tasks to do whilst still in a gosh darn bloody wheel chair.  I feel so bloody useless at the moment!  I know, its only temporary! 

Saturday 10th August, 2019

Op done and dusted! Long story short, the op was to remove and further investigate some abnormal cells found in my cervix, and to address some abnormal bleeding issues I have been having. Unfortunately they were unable to do everything they hoped to do, as apparently my cervix is too narrow! WTF does that even mean? I have pushed out two babies FFS! 

Anyway, I'm a bit stingy, have a sore throat from being intubated, ultra drowsy from anesthesia and pain meds, a little on the emotional side, but all things considered I'm okay, and very happy to be home. I need to go back in to discuss my options in around six weeks time, if not sooner.

Monday 12th August, 2019

Pretty much sums it up!  I have slept 27 of the past 48 hours and still in zombie mode! I know, I know, rest = healing! But, Urgh! Blergh! Blah! LOL - thats my exhausted pigeon impersonation!

Tuesday 13th August 2019

Okay, so yesterday wasn't such a great day, mostly due to frustration!  Today was a new mindset game and so this morning I hobbled around the house and did a general tidy, which really only consisted of making our bed and straightening the boys beds (yes, I'm one of those Mums). Then I spent the rest of the day in bed with feet up resting, watching weird ass movies! I'm okay with that though because at least I was buggered for a reason, albeit not from running a marathon (although I was trying to get it done as quick as possible before Mark got back and busted me).

Also been thinking that maybe not being able to work in the wheel chair was a blessing!  At least it wasn't stop-start!

I received an awesome card today in the mail from Mum today.  It made me cry, happy tears, but tears all the same.  I love getting snail mail, such a touching gesture that truly made me feel special!

Sunday 18th August 2019

I have been busy doing NOTHING!  Okay, so that's not entirely true...I've been doing ALOT of sitting on my arse watching TV!  So, today I forced myself to get up, have a shower and do something...ANYTHING!

As it turned out, that anything was to write a song!

It's been a while between songs! But this weekend I have been helping a good friend of mine navigate a storm shes facing and it inspired me to pick up my guitar and notebook. Sometimes holding on can hurt more than letting go, especially when you don't really know whether you are the only one trying to get to the life raft.

Anyway I finished writing it, and decided to get a video of it straight away.  It is raw, it is unscripted, but it is what it is, my new song called Let Me Know!

Monday 19th August 2019

It was back to work for me today (which went great, but admittedly I am pooped and sore), but on my breaks I spent some time with my sweet man working out a piano accompaniment for my new song...so glad I didn't get rid of the kids toy piano LOL. Still a few parts to iron out but I can't wait till my sweet man and I can play it together. Once that's done, I think I might get Ace on his bass, and Jazz on some percussion and see what we can come up with. It feels good to be inspired again!

Saturday 24th August, 2019

And here we are, back in this moment of NOW!

There is a question I've dreaded being asked all week. You know the one...How are you? Like hmmm, do people REALLY want the truth, or do they just want to hear those words "I'm good"? Which are the words I have been saying every time I am asked, although maybe "FINE" would be a more accurate description!

To be honest, I am just feeling so totally overwhelmed by life right now. It feels as though I am floating in a rough sea trying to catch my breath just after being hit by a wave. And I have that feeling of impeding doom lurking because I know that there is another wave on the horizon and I am about to go under again.

Sure, it was awesome to feel inspired enough to write a song, and its great that I am back at work and getting income flowing in again.  Oh man, that reminds me that I need to balance our books and I really don't want to look at the credit card balance  And yet, how blessed we are to have had the credit card to fall back on these past couple of weeks.  Holy shit, do you do that too?  You know have an arguementative debate with yourself?  It's like for every negative I say, there is a part of me that has an instant positive rebutle...it's so freaking exhausting!

I also should be studying right now instead of writing this, but here we are three weeks in and I have pretty much done zip!  I need to get my shit together because I have two huge ass assessments due at the end of week six.  This whole study thing is something I love, something I want to do, but I just can't find the get up and go.

I also need to disinfect, vac and mop the house and just can't be fruited...THAT is NOT like me at all!  WTF is wrong with me?  I am so freaking over myself right now!  

FARK what a sad sack!  Me feeling like THIS makes me feel so ungrateful for everything good that I have in my life.  I mean, there are people out there fighting for theirs and here I am with no spark to truly 'live' mine, other than to exist through it.

I feel lost and lonely, and yet I know exactly where I am, and I know I'm in the place I want to be, with the people I want to be with.  How does that even make sense?  

My ankles are still sore, and by the end of the day are swollen which makes them sorer.  I have put on like 2kgs from sitting on my arse doing nothing, which is making me feel like a huge blimp, and yet I keep shoving 'crap' in my mouth because eating my emotions is just what I have always done.  I am still bleeding from my operation which sucks, and I "miss" my husband...like you know...intimately, and we have 4 more weeks of it to go *sigh*!

Anyway, I'm going to stop writing soon and force myself to get up and do something productive.  That's part of the key I think, diving head first back into the swing of things.  The other is changing things that I don't like at the moment...whilst not a huge list, there are some within my control that I want to change.  The biggest of those is feeling disconnected from my kids at the moment, which is alot of my own doing...time to reign in the boundaries that have blurred edges at the moment - ahhh, just another thing I feel like I'm failing at right now!

Okay, enough shade...even the weather has turned to grey in reflection of my mood!  The worst part is that I've only just touched the surface of everything going around in my head. 

This too shall pass, I just need to get out of my own way first!