She wasn’t just a tree, she felt like a presence. A quiet place where the world softened and time loosened its grip.
I used to sit beneath her for long stretches, looking up through her branches, watching light move in ways that made everything else feel small. There was nothing to achieve there. Nothing to fix. Just breath, stillness, and the slow remembering of myself.
Somewhere along the way, I grew apart from that kind of silence. Life became louder. Busier. Full of movement and expectation. But the feeling of sitting beneath her never really left, it lived quietly in the background, waiting to be returned to.
Under Her Branches came from that remembering.
The verses are gentle and finger-plucked, like footsteps back into stillness. Slow, spacious, unhurried, the way time felt under her shade. The pauses matter as much as the notes, because silence was always part of the experience.
Then the chorus lifts to feel the spirit rise, like the moment you exhale and realise you’re safe. That shift from holding on to letting go. From thinking to simply being.
This recording is raw. A scratch track. Imperfect timing, imperfect angles, imperfect hands, but maybe that’s the point. The feeling itself was never polished. It was honest, simple, and real.
This song is my way of returning to that place.
To the ground beneath me.
To the calm that grows when nothing needs to be forced.
To the quiet sense that something sacred lives in ordinary moments.
If you listen, I hope it carries you there too, even for a moment, beneath her branches, where everything slows, and you remember what it feels like to just be.
Under Her Branches
Verse 1 Ancient Oak behind our old house She leaned into the sky I’d lay back in the long grass And watch the daylight climb Sunlight through her fingers Fell dancing on my face Praying in the silence Transcended in time and space
Chorus Under her branches I was quiet, I was small Didn’t need the answers Just let go of it all The wind would turn the pages Of a sky so wide and blue Under her branches The calm within me grew
Verse 2 No phone, no ticking hour hand No somewhere else to be Just the ground beneath me God’s presence in her leaves The world felt less demanding When I listened to her sway She never tried to change me But she did anyway
Bridge Now the days are louder And the nights don’t fall the same Sometimes, I close my eyes And whisper out her name If I could find that silence I know just what I’d do I’d lay down in her shadow And let myself be new
Final Chorus
Under her branches I was steady, I was free Nothing left to measure Just me, being me
Under her branches I was quiet, I was small Didn’t need the answers Just let go of it all The wind still turns the pages Of a sky so wide and blue Under her branches The calm within me grew
Copywrite Music & Lyrics by Natasha Hurst-Shilling (13.02.26)
I'm not a fan of the cold but, I do love snuggling under the blankets and getting warm and cosy.
Not only is today the first day of winter, it is also officially day 1 of my journey towards gaining my Naturopathic degree. I can't exactly say that I am ultra excited about it, but it is also not something I am dreading. Maybe it's because after three years of studying with the same group; my sanity sisters especially, I am now forging ahead alone. I am really going to miss them as I embark on this next phase, but I am so blessed to know that they will forever be a part of my life. Another part of my indifference could be the fact that I don't exactly feel ready to get back to the daily grind, and the stress of assessments. Nor am I excited about my subject of Medicinal Food Science. Oh well, hopefully throwing myself into study will stoke the fire again so the spark ignites.
Tuesday 2nd
Happy birthday to Uncle Geoff (Pa). I gave him a call today, he is safe and locked down in QLD. I really need to call more often, but to be honest I don't have a great deal to talk about. Nothing ultra exciting anyway, this blog is a testament of that!
I had a doctors appointment today via telehealth. It is so odd talking to the doctor over the phone and not face to face. I'm so glad that we have a good rapport as I think that makes things a little less awkward. Especially when you are calling to ask for more opiates; which were indeed prescribed via the script being faxed to the pharmacy.
Blackout Tuesday
Widespread protests erupted recently in unified action to open the worlds eyes to racial police brutality; in the hopes to eradicate white supremacy.
I stand in solidarity with the black lives matters movement but sadly agree with a quote I read saying "the fact that we need to clarify that anyone's lives matter, is concern enough". I mean its not the 1950s for frig sake, have we seriously gone backward as a civilization!?!
For those unwilling to stand in unison, and instead insist on using the argument that “all lives matter”, let me try to perauade you to be more open to change.
Let's take breast cancer awareness as an example.
Just because I am raising awareness for breast cancer, it doesn't mean I am saying that “ONLY breast cancer matters”.
If I was, I'd be saying my Mums bladder cancer was not important, my Dad's brain tumours didn't matter, and only my sisters diagnosis was valid enough for me to focus upon.
That is so wrong! What I am doing is simply shining the spotlight on that one particular area as a topic of focus; it is what needs attention right here and now.
Saying “black lives matter” isn’t saying that no other lives matters, ofcourse everyones lives matters! It is simply shining the spotlight on the truth, which is that black people are the overwhelming victims of racism and discrimination. And right now, they need you to open your eyes, so that a change can be made.
Anyway, thats my two cents worth. I will finish this topic with some lyrics from my song 'My Opinion'.
"If you cut me open I will bleed, just like everyone else does regardless of religion, colour, and creed. Yet this world we live in continues to divide, instead of just accepting with its arms open wide. Why can't we accept with our arms open wide". - Natasha Hurst
Wednesday 3rd
Working as a massage therapist means needing to keep my nails short, and as such I have 'long' nails envy. Not working however, means I can grow my nails.
It's been nice taking the time out to show some self love and give myself a manicure. I've also enjoyed painting my nails different colours.
Thursday 4th
I had a psychology appointment with Leah this afternoon via zoom. It's been good talking to her but I don't feel that I am as open as I have been in the past with Rowena; maybe its the meeting via computer screen thing. She has definitely helped to reduce the anxiety around the lumps in my breasts though. There was a time I was self checking constantly; yes even after the mastectomy. Talking it through led me to realise it was compulsive behaviour, which was curbed by setting boundaries e.g. only checking once a month.
Another thing, although not one that has an official diagnosis, is she believes I may be 'on the spectrum'. Nothing I had not already considered, but not something I feel needs to be officially labelled at the same time. I mean, everyone has their unique quirks, right!?! Besides, or will just be another thing for my Mum to give me shit about, she doesn't believe in Autism; apparently I just 'baby' my son. And there is the topic we should really address in therapy but alas, old dogs won't change, and at the end of the day, I just have to learn not let her get to me and hurt me. I wish I could ignore her venomous comments like Marketta does. Anyway enough of that, I digress...where was I?
The biggest thing I've gotten from our sessions is the 'naming it to tame it' line, which I am getting better at doing. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect.
My next appointment is not until mid July. I've got a few manuals on Health Anxiety to complete before the appointment, which will work through different cognitive behavioural questions.
Saturday 6th
We had a lovely visit with Jess and Andy today, it felt nice catching up with friends albeit ensuring social distance was maintained. I tell ya what though, once hugs are allowed again I'm going to be giving big squeezes.
Tuesday 9th
Today is the first day back at school after the Covid-19 homeschooling stint; which definitely falls into the some weeks were better than others basket. I can't say it was easy, as to be honest it was full on with the boys needing us to constantly sit with them. There were moments however, that I found it to be very rewarding. I can definitely see how home schooling could be a beneficial option, our boys however are such socialites and thrive on the mateship.
Pic 1 - Smiles at the thought of catching up with mates.
Pic 2 - How they feel about going back to school.
I'm hearing them! Kinda wishing I rolled with the option of keeping them home until term 3. But, I think that I would have mostly been appeasing my own paranoia, and I figured that was just prolonging the inevitable as its only 3 weeks until school holidays anyway (13 school days in total).
On a positive, I really haven't had much 'me time' to focus on recovery, so hopefully not sitting at the school table all day will mean my oedema will be better and I'll find my ankles again.
And while the boys were at school, this mumma did indeed rest!
While the furbabies sat and waited for their hooman bruvas to return....too cute!
Thursday 11th
Today Mark and I went to the local 'hippy' shop, where I purchased some Palo Santo, and mentally spent a fortune on crystals...oh how I wish I could just splurge!
A visit...
I also visited a beautiful friend (Renee) who was recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It was so good to see her; her beautiful smile and positivity was truly inspiring, as was the unity of her amazing family.
If you are on facebook, Renee has started a page to document the journey HERE.
I won't share too much as I do not feel it is my place, however I will say that Renee also lost her Dad to cancer a few years back, and often when I read her posts in relation to him, I feel as though she is speaking my words.
Sometimes life just does not seem fair!
Getting productive...
Once home I decided to get productive and fix the back screened door; replace flywire with holes and remove the cat door.
And since it was such a beautiful day, I put Mark to work doing the lawns.
It felt so good to be getting stuff done, especially to no longer have a jungle in the front yard.
Behind the wheel...
Then, that afternoon I drove for the first time since Febs op!
Although it was more of a have to than want to, as Mark was waiting on a call from the urologist, it feels good knowing I can jump behind the wheel again whenever I feel like it.
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little painful, but nothing I couldn't deal with.
Friday 12th
The boys had a curriculum day (yup short 3 day week) so Ace and his mate Zac put their time to good use and set the shed up as a bike workshop / hang out zone.
At the moment they are sharing the space with all the garage sale boxes, that I moved from over there to here (not a smart move on my part).
It is my plan to take pics and do another online sale, plus have a proper garage sale once allowed, so hopefully soon it will all be sold.
Despite sharing the room, they are pretty happy with the space and have set up electricals and heating.
They did ask if they could sleep out there, but I told them that there will be plenty on time for that when they are in the doghouse. To which the response was "huh".
Saturday 13th
You know the saying right? What goes up, must come crashing down and landing in a huge heap of crappola!
In other words, todays not as good as the other couple of days!
It happens! And admittedly it may be partly due to the fact I am yet to find that sweet spot between not doing much, and doing way too much, hmmm!
Needless to say that if you are looking for me today, I shall be in found in bed with legs up, spaced out on some good meds that will hopefully see me manage to get some shut eye.
It is what it is! This too shall pass! Just sharing to keep it real!
Sunday 14th
Pretty much says it all really!
Wednesday 17th
Today is 12 weeks post op #3!
I spoke with my breast surgeon (Dr Anita Skandarajah) today and even though I have days where I struggle to get out of bed due to fatigue, pain and/or a mixture of both, I was assured that given the trauma my body has been through, made more complicated by three infections, I was indeed doing awesomely!
Oh, I asked about what went wrong with the LHS. She said that as well as the breast tissue being denser than they thought, and the lump growing in size since last MRI, my skin was ultra fragile.
Grafting on right thigh!
Left Foob!
Right Foob!
Thighs (Top = Left, Bottom = Right).
I am now able to start working on regaining upper body strength (yup starting with a whole half kilo - go me)!
First time skipping in yonks - this was not a great idea as I hurt like f#@^ afterwards. BUT it feels good knowing I can!
One of the biggest things I was reminded of by my team today, and something I definitely needed to hear is that everybodys journey is their own, each as unique as the person experiencing it. There is no one size fits all timeline for healing!
So even though I still have a long way to go, regardless of what each day presents, I will remind myself that it is what it is, and I've got this!
Something I haven't spoken of is how 'old' I am feeling. I mean, most days it literally feels like the life force has been sucked out of me. Admittedly, mentally the grey hair is not helping.
Regardless of this feeling however, I am so blessed to be given the privilege of seeing the beginning and end of each new day.
Thursday 18th
Soooo, this happened today!
Bye bye 'grey' with blue tinge!
Hello 'chocolate brown'!
It could just be the fact that the 'mop top' is tamed, but I think it helps make me look a little more lively.
I had a lovely visit from Neen this afternoon who gifted me with these gorgeous flowers. It was so good to catch up. Our friendship isn't what it once was, which if I'm honest, at times I miss. However, I think where we are now is a healthier place for us both.
Friday 19th
Happy Birthday to my baby boy Jazz - 15 years goes by in a flash!
Be sure to see the birthday blog (which if not up yet will be done really soon)!
Sunday 21st
Today we had a family catch up day at Skeetz place in Torquay.
It was so good to just hang out together, and celebrate Jazz's birthday with them.
After lunch we went for a 2.5km walk. I love looking at peoples gardens; my favourite was one that was full of Australian Natives.
Along the way the kids got to play in the park.
Sadly, the day came to an end. But, not before breaking the social distance rule for a quick family selfie.
Mum looks funny because she moved in the previous picture and it was blurry, so she's being a statue in this one LOL.
As much as I'm okay with Iso life, I do miss giving my family big squeezer cuggles.
We catch up again in six weeks time, maybe we xan do cuddles then.
Monday 22nd
Well, I'm a uni dropout!
Okay, so its only for the online subject I was enrolled in, and I do plan to re-enrol again for Semester Two subjects in July. BUT, I am going to start with subjects that get me excited, rather than induce a feeling of fear and dread!
Sunday 28th
They say that a change is as good as a holiday! And, since we are not going away anywhere for the school break, we changed the boys bedrooms around instead.
They look great, but I may possibly be absolutely buggered, and aching in muscles I forgot I had LOL, and the boys esp. Mark did all the heavy lifting, and moving from here to there and back again hehehe - go figure!
I have to say, having to rely on someone else is bloody frustrating, but I learnt my lesson after the shed.
Jazzs room
To be completely real with you, I had only planned on doing Jazzs room. Which, in comparison to Aces was quick and easy.
Aces room
When Ace saw that I'd done his brothers room, ofcourse he wanted his done. I was begrudged doing it, as I knew it would be no easy task; Ace likes to collect treasures, and has no rhyme nor reason to things. Jazz on the other hand is as ocd as myself *cue the odd couple theme song*. Given the fact that Ace had recently moved things around into a way that I did not quite like however, it was a good incentive to agree to take on the task.
Tuesday 30th
And here we go again FFS!
The past couple of days I've woken with a feeling of having razor blades in my throat, and have also been waking in the night due to coughing. Additionally, I've needed to use my ventolin way more than I like so off to the docs I went. Well, off to the clinic car park anyway, where Dr Apri came out and did her observations, and a covid-19 test with me sitting in the car.
I didn't find the test to be tha tg bad. Remembering though, that I used to have regular throat swabs because of the streph throat and severe tonsilitis. And, due to my nose operation, I've experienced swabs up the nostril; definitely not my favourite thing though, makes me want to sneeze.
The doc said the test is more a precautionary measure, just to be on the safe side, as she is leaning more towards pneumonia. We will know one way or the other in approx 3 days time. In the meantime, its lots of rest, prednisolone and no visitors allowed!
Even though I'm sure the result will be negative, its still quite a nerve wracking experience.
I've been retracing my steps of the past 14 days; Woodgrove and The Village for Jazz's birthday gifts. Skeetz place - oh god my heart sinks at the possibility of passing it onto them. As I mentioned earlier, even though we did not give each other a kiss or cuddle (something which is hard to do but a must to ensure safety), we broke the social distancing rule briefly for our family photo.
Then my mind goes to whose been to visit in the past 14 days; Mum, Glenn, Neen, James, Zac...
Fark! Anyway, no use going crazy over it, it will be what it will be, and we shall deal with whatever is when the time comes.
Oh remember those beautiful long nails of mine? They are no more!
Not the best of pain jobs, but I've gotta say they feel nice being short again.
Okay so not to leave you hanging...
Thursday July 2nd
Great news, the Covid-19 test results were NEGATIVE!
On the not so great side, I'm still coughing up my lungs and struggling to breathe, despite preventers and regular ventolin.
Hopefully the course of 'meds' and natural supps will knock it on its head!
Still much to be thankful for, and blessings are being counted!
Note: I posted this previously but accidentally deleted it...good thing I save my posts phew!
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
Before I posted my last blog post on Saturday, we went out for lunch with Mum. As it so happened we were early (shock horror), and so took some time to just sit in the sunshine and watch the world go by. Truth be told, we took the selfie more as a way to say "Look! I do actually leave the house occasionally!" LOL.
As you can see, despite all that was lurking under the surface, we wore a mask and put on a smile. Mind you, being together always gives us something to smile about!
During lunch we laughed and told jokes and spoke about this that and the other, but all the while part of me was holding back the tears. Perhaps if we had of been in the comfort of home, I may have been more open, but lets face it, no-one wants to ugly cry whilst out in public. Ain't nobody wanna see that either!
Anyway, once we got home...I finally took the mask off (as you would know if you indeed read my last blog all the way to the end). Admittedly, I did not completely release as even though I do share a considerable amount of my personal life openly on the social media platform, there are some things best left unshared; whether it be for fear of offending another due to being taken the wrong way, it just being way too raw to disclose so publicly or could even just open up a whole other can of worms. Whatever the reason, somethings are best left for personal entries and/or face to face conversations.
Whilst I try for the most part to keep the mask on and be a Positive Polly, I know that it's not always real. Actually, its fake as shit and yet there are times I wish people would reach out, but then when they do I pretend everything is hunky dory anyway, so why would they check in if I'm forever smiling, forever saying "I'm good", and then immediately changing topic of conversation over to them.
Oops I digressed...where was I? Oh yeah, the duality of life is that there are both ups and downs, smiles and frowns and everything else fits somewhere in between; that's the raw and unscripted nature of this wonderful roller coaster ride we are strapped into for our short time here! Sometimes we are throwing our hands up and screaming with glee for more. Other times we are gripping on for dear life just hoping we don't go crashing down to the ground at 100mph. And then, there are the lulls which see us steadily cruise along wondering what comes next!
Must be a song in there somewhere hey? Well, as it turns out there is!
Actually, the song was inspired by a comment that my sweet man left on my blog post, over at my facey site (HERE).
He wrote: "Every heart beat is filled with ups and downs. So too, our lives are filled with smiles and frowns!". - M.V.S
Anyhow, after we finally got up off our butts and got the house all sparkling and smelling Divine plus a few other odd jobs I'd neglected, the plan was for me to just head into bed and watch some mindless TV, whilst Mark ducked down the street to get some fags...yep I need to quit AGAIN, but that's a whole other blog!
Long story short, I picked up the guitar instead and by the time he had gotten home I had composed some music, written a verse, a chorus and had a general idea of what else I wanted to say, but it just wasn't flowing quite right. After a little help from my poetic husband, whalla new song was created, all in about 30 minutes.
Whilst the main inspiration came from my husbands comment, there were also sparks of inspiration from a text conversation I had with my little sister (Marketta) earlier in the week.
Talking about Marketta, her breast cancer journey took on another challenge, and today she is in hospital having an operation to hopefully stop her body producing estrogen. Why? Because despite the drug she was given to stop her producing it, she still is, and since her cancer is HER2-positive (hormone receptor positive), meaning that the cancer cells grow in response to the estrogen produced, this is the best option she was given in order to decrease the chances of it metastasizing, given its aggressive nature. In her words "It is what it is, and you do what you've gotta do".
Gotta say, knowing all that she has gone through, is still going through and yet is more worried about her friend who is sadly very unwell, instills an element of guilt for being so down in the dumps. I know its not a comparisons game, and that we are all allowed to feel whatever it is we feel, but if you really look at the bigger picture, my struggles are a walk in the park really! In saying such however, they are still very real for me, and some days are worse than others!
Which brings me back to the new song, which just so happens to be called Some Days!
Here are the lyrics....
Some Days
Some days its like my mind won't stop turning
And I'm stuck on the merry-go-round
Some days its like my heart is yearning
For something it hasn't found
Every heartbeat has its ups and downs
And every life has its smiles and frowns
The best that we can do
Is put one foot before the other
And just push on through
Tomorrows another day
And the sun will come out
Chase the clouds away
I know its easier to say
But just have a little faith
It will be okay
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Some days its like my tears won't stop flowing
I'm sure I'm gonna drown
Some days its like I'm searching for a corner
In a room that's only round
Every story has a beginning and end
And everybody needs that one true friend
To help them when they're blue
To put one foot before the other
And push on through
Tomorrows another day
And the sun will come out
Chase the clouds away
I know its easier to say
But just have a little faith
It will be okay
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Don't give up
Don't give in
Just keep on pushing
I know you're gonna win
Tomorrows another day
And the sun will come out
Chase the clouds away
I know its easier to say
But just have a little faith
It will be okay
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Music composed by Natasha Hurst-Shilling
Lyrics written by Mark and Natasha Hurst-Shilling
Written on the 24th August 2019
Whilst one could think that the "hey's" were used because I couldn't think of anything else to say, you know a bit like la-la-la's hehehe! They aren't, well, not entirely anyway. You see, my hubster and I have this thing where when we want the other to take their head out of the phone, or to stop cleaning like a mad woman...in other words to stop and truly listen! We start by saying "Hey"!
And you have now reached the end of this blog post. Thanks heaps for taking the time to read and perhaps watch/listen, as always it means heaps.
This is me hoping that if you have been feeling like I do some days, and did have a listen, that I helped you feel even just a little more better than before!
So here we are, Saturday August 24th 2019! So hard to believe that the eighth month of the year is almost behind us. I have to say though, as much as I cannot wait till this cold weather is behind us and summer arrives, I am also no where near ready for the Christmas madness to begin. To be real with you, the thought that it is only a few months away, makes my chest get heavy and my heart start palpitating! Don't get me wrong, I like Christmas, but our finances at the moment are non-existent and unfortunately over the years I have made a rod for my own back with spoiling the boys so much, and I fear that I won't be able to pull it all together like I have in the past. I know its not about material possessions and gifts, but *sigh*. Anyway enough about that for now, let me fill you in on whats been happening in the life and times of moi!
Sunday August 4th, 2019
Yesterday we went out to Holgate Brewhouse in Woodend (seems like so long ago that we used to play (as in sing) there on Friday nights) for an early celebratory birthday lunch with my little sister. Both our family and Jeremy's family were there, which I think is lovely. Today however, was a quiet one at home with feet up, so I took the opportunity to complete a project that Mum had been working on for someone special!
I really dislike working with feather and chenille wool!
Monday 5th August, 2019
Firstly, let me say a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my baby sister! I shouldn't really say 'baby' as she is 38 years young today! OMGoodness, why did I do that calculation, that just makes me feel ancient!
Anyway my boi put together a little video clip for her...you can view it HERE! Such a clever kid!
So I posted this in the morning...
Uni break is officially over and the last leg of my first degree begins today. I am also back at work today, albeit reduced time slots due to working from my red wheels, but at least it means an income (much needed now that I have lost child support due to Glenn no longer having a job) and also doing something I love. Normally, I would have had all our I's dotted and T's crossed before this moment of now BUT they aren't and that is okay...the world keeps on turning, the birds are still chirping merrily, the sun rose and will indeed set, and I will undoubtedly inhale and exhale and keep on going, both wheels at a time hahaha in lieu of one foot in front of the other that is. In other words I am grateful for this perfectly imperfect day and the beautiful chaos that it is!
This followed in the afternoon...
Okay, so whilst the table was lowered and positioned so that I could get around it, this duffa did a trial massage on her hubby without using oil didn't she! Needless to say that this mornings client got a free laughter therapy session at my expense. Lets just say that attempting to maneuver a wheel chair in a tight space with oily hand is not at all graceful! Can't say I didn't try! Omgoodness gotta laugh or else I'd be a blubbering mess. All clients cancelled until further notice...I don't even wanna think about how the heck we are going to get by financially right now...back to laughing it all off, much easier not to think about it!
Tuesday 6th August, 2019
There is a Maori proverb that says “Te tiro atu to kanohi ki tairawhiti ana tera whiti te ra kite ataata ka hinga ki muri kia koe.”, which translates as “Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you". And so today, I took time out to do just that! To sit, to breathe, to surrender in the glory of the sunlight!
See that look on my face, yep its the look of someone worrying ALOT about EVERYTHING! I got a call yesterday afternoon to tell me that my gyno surgery had been swapped to the urgent category, and so it is happening THIS Friday!
Trying to get our lives in 'perfect' order aka mostly the house and everything within in up to date and sparkling, is not the easiest of tasks to do whilst still in a gosh darn bloody wheel chair. I feel so bloody useless at the moment! I know, its only temporary!
Saturday 10th August, 2019
Op done and dusted! Long story short, the op was to remove and further investigate some abnormal cells found in my cervix, and to address some abnormal bleeding issues I have been having. Unfortunately they were unable to do everything they hoped to do, as apparently my cervix is too narrow! WTF does that even mean? I have pushed out two babies FFS!
Anyway, I'm a bit stingy, have a sore throat from being intubated, ultra drowsy from anesthesia and pain meds, a little on the emotional side, but all things considered I'm okay, and very happy to be home. I need to go back in to discuss my options in around six weeks time, if not sooner.
Monday 12th August, 2019
Pretty much sums it up! I have slept 27 of the past 48 hours and still in zombie mode! I know, I know, rest = healing! But, Urgh! Blergh! Blah! LOL - thats my exhausted pigeon impersonation!
Tuesday 13th August 2019
Okay, so yesterday wasn't such a great day, mostly due to frustration! Today was a new mindset game and so this morning I hobbled around the house and did a general tidy, which really only consisted of making our bed and straightening the boys beds (yes, I'm one of those Mums). Then I spent the rest of the day in bed with feet up resting, watching weird ass movies! I'm okay with that though because at least I was buggered for a reason, albeit not from running a marathon (although I was trying to get it done as quick as possible before Mark got back and busted me).
Also been thinking that maybe not being able to work in the wheel chair was a blessing! At least it wasn't stop-start!
I received an awesome card today in the mail from Mum today. It made me cry, happy tears, but tears all the same. I love getting snail mail, such a touching gesture that truly made me feel special!
Sunday 18th August 2019
I have been busy doing NOTHING! Okay, so that's not entirely true...I've been doing ALOT of sitting on my arse watching TV! So, today I forced myself to get up, have a shower and do something...ANYTHING!
As it turned out, that anything was to write a song!
It's been a while between songs! But this weekend I have been helping a good friend of mine navigate a storm shes facing and it inspired me to pick up my guitar and notebook. Sometimes holding on can hurt more than letting go, especially when you don't really know whether you are the only one trying to get to the life raft.
Anyway I finished writing it, and decided to get a video of it straight away. It is raw, it is unscripted, but it is what it is, my new song called Let Me Know!
Monday 19th August 2019
It was back to work for me today (which went great, but admittedly I am pooped and sore), but on my breaks I spent some time with my sweet man working out a piano accompaniment for my new song...so glad I didn't get rid of the kids toy piano LOL. Still a few parts to iron out but I can't wait till my sweet man and I can play it together. Once that's done, I think I might get Ace on his bass, and Jazz on some percussion and see what we can come up with. It feels good to be inspired again!
Saturday 24th August, 2019
And here we are, back in this moment of NOW!
There is a question I've dreaded being asked all week. You know the one...How are you? Like hmmm, do people REALLY want the truth, or do they just want to hear those words "I'm good"? Which are the words I have been saying every time I am asked, although maybe "FINE" would be a more accurate description!
To be honest, I am just feeling so totally overwhelmed by life right now. It feels as though I am floating in a rough sea trying to catch my breath just after being hit by a wave. And I have that feeling of impeding doom lurking because I know that there is another wave on the horizon and I am about to go under again.
Sure, it was awesome to feel inspired enough to write a song, and its great that I am back at work and getting income flowing in again. Oh man, that reminds me that I need to balance our books and I really don't want to look at the credit card balance And yet, how blessed we are to have had the credit card to fall back on these past couple of weeks. Holy shit, do you do that too? You know have an arguementative debate with yourself? It's like for every negative I say, there is a part of me that has an instant positive rebutle...it's so freaking exhausting!
I also should be studying right now instead of writing this, but here we are three weeks in and I have pretty much done zip! I need to get my shit together because I have two huge ass assessments due at the end of week six. This whole study thing is something I love, something I want to do, but I just can't find the get up and go.
I also need to disinfect, vac and mop the house and just can't be fruited...THAT is NOT like me at all! WTF is wrong with me? I am so freaking over myself right now!
FARK what a sad sack! Me feeling like THIS makes me feel so ungrateful for everything good that I have in my life. I mean, there are people out there fighting for theirs and here I am with no spark to truly 'live' mine, other than to exist through it.
I feel lost and lonely, and yet I know exactly where I am, and I know I'm in the place I want to be, with the people I want to be with. How does that even make sense?
My ankles are still sore, and by the end of the day are swollen which makes them sorer. I have put on like 2kgs from sitting on my arse doing nothing, which is making me feel like a huge blimp, and yet I keep shoving 'crap' in my mouth because eating my emotions is just what I have always done. I am still bleeding from my operation which sucks, and I "miss" my husband...like you know...intimately, and we have 4 more weeks of it to go *sigh*!
Anyway, I'm going to stop writing soon and force myself to get up and do something productive. That's part of the key I think, diving head first back into the swing of things. The other is changing things that I don't like at the moment...whilst not a huge list, there are some within my control that I want to change. The biggest of those is feeling disconnected from my kids at the moment, which is alot of my own doing...time to reign in the boundaries that have blurred edges at the moment - ahhh, just another thing I feel like I'm failing at right now!
Okay, enough shade...even the weather has turned to grey in reflection of my mood! The worst part is that I've only just touched the surface of everything going around in my head.
This too shall pass, I just need to get out of my own way first!
