February 2018...

FEB 3rd

So, I'm not one to do things by halves AND cleaning helps me clear my head!  So with that being said I am absolutely fooboocachewed but we did it! It is amazing how much 'stuff' one accumulates over time and how 'un'clean something can be under the surface *sigh*, but every nook and cranny inside the house is sparkling, the camping stuff is all packed away and the backyard patio and yard is once again our place of home sanity.  As much as I love the feeling of accomplishment after I've tackled a mammoth task...I really wish I had a magic wand and instead of working like a trooper today to get shit done, could have been sitting in my meditation chair instead!   I was just saying to Mark how proud I am that despite the upheaval of my mad clearing and cleaning frenzy this week, I still managed to accomplish working, feeding the kids and a few hours of sleep! His reply "Yep, you sure did, but geez you were a bitch to live with"! Haha love your honesty babe!  

Feeling very tired but also very accomplished!

FEB 7th

But those who hope in the Lord, will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

I'm still working on my relationship with God and trying to find where the bible sits with me...its a personal journey and one that is quite eclectic given my spiritual beliefs. BUT, I can say that these words resonate strongly for me. Perhaps its because I was directed to them at a time I very much needed to read them, perhaps its because I believe in the power of holding hope and positive thought...either way the message is a powerful one!

My POSITIVE reminders for this month!

FEB 10th

Life doesn't always run smoothly! Sometimes, there are storms that you are faced with that have the power to completely capsize your entire being. Yep, those storms completely and utterly suck big fat hairy sweaty balls! But, you can choose the chaos and allow yourself to be drawn up into the whirlwind, drowning in the heaviness of emotion, gagging and getting pubes stuck in your teeth OR you can choose calm, anchoring yourself in positivity, in love, in hope, in gratitude, accepting it, for all that it is, in all its shitty fucked up glory, knowing that by centering yourself, you 'will' find the strength needed to push through and the storm 'will' pass!

I am learning that 'being positive' means different things to each person. For me its about ONLY focusing on the POSITIVES and not allowing any traces of 'what ifs', 'maybe's' or 'possibly's' to enter my mind! My rationale for this is, that by thinking 'everything is going to be okay', that is indeed what will be manifested. Whereas, if I were to focus on the fact that 'this may happen' or 'that may happen', then that is where the energy goes and as such, it becomes the reality I do not truly desire. Call it what you will; me just being an optimist, a wearer of rose coloured glasses, someone refusing to face the reality of the situation laid upon the table...but, I CHOOSE HOPE!

FEB 14th 

Happy Valentines Day - Bah Humbug LOL!  Here is a poem my sweetman wrote for me today :)

For MY gorgeous girl, the one, the only Natasha

No chocolates shall I bring thee.
Nor flowers in my hand.
This is no accident, truth...
In fact, twas ACTUALLY planned.

Both you and I, Sweet Deni

Hate worldy consumerism.
That says today we MUST give gifts
We wont be trapped in that prison.

On ANY given day of the year
To you, my Queen, I bring
Gifts tasty, beautiful, lovely.
Tis the pleasure of this King.

So today the gift I bring, Babe
Is an outcry of my love
In declaring to thee, "I love you"
My Precious Gift, from Heaven above

Oh gosh I love this guy so bloody much!

FEB 18th

Sometimes it doesn't matter how busy you keep yourself, or how much you focus on the blessings in your life, the emotions catch up and the tears just flow. Today was one of those days! And it's okay!

FEB 22nd

Despite all my positive thoughts and affirmations, my prayers for strength and staying busy to ignore the gravity of the situation,...bottom line is I'm scared! But...it is what it is until it is something different, and we just deal with it when and if we have to! Honestly, there are just not enough swear words right now!

FEB 24th

...This post will make all the others make more sense!

I'm hoping this picture has gotten your attention! Why am I posting it? To ask you ALL, both male and female to check your breasts!

Recently my little sister (36 years old) was diagnosed with breast cancer! She is urging her family and friends to be aware and to get checked! Early detection is the key! Don't wait for a special awareness month or share a 'red heart'❤ via a message!

Get those boobies out and have a feel or get a friend to feel for you (Mark Shilling once a day is plenty enough of a feel for you). 

If you don't know what you are feeling for, please book in with the GP!

Yes, I got checked, Yes they found something, Yes, they have started tests, Yes it is as scary as f%@&, BUT again...Early detection is the key! 

CHECK YOUR BOOBIES PEOPLE!

My beautiful sister and her family!

Photo by Three Wishes Photography

FEB 26th

My sweet man started working 3 days a week today. To say I miss him is an understatement, as I have grown so used to him being a stay at home hubby/dad. As daunting as it all is, it is also a new and exciting chapter in our lives. Omgoodness, this whole making my own cuppa thing is not good though, tomorrow I will have to get him to make me a flask before he leaves for work LOL.

GOODBYE FEBRUARY...

I got 10 hours sleep last night...whoo hoo! Busy day ahead so it was much needed. Best part was this morning as the boys gave me a kiss goodbye, Ace said "Mum, are you wearing make up"?. I'm like no matey, I haven't even had a shower yet. To which he replies "well you look really pretty".  Gosh my kids make me the proudest mumma ever!

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January 2018...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

ACE TURNED 14!

It is so hard to believe that 14 years has passed by, somedays it feels like only yesterday I was holding my sweet boy for the very first time. 14 years earth bound and what an incredible journey it has been. As is the case with life, the past year has been one full of everything it has had to offer...the ups the downs, the smiles the frowns and everything in between, but my baby boy has taken it all in his very large stride, placing one foot in front of the other and continuing to grow (and oh boy has he ever grown...he is now officially taller than me and I'm 171cm) into an incredibly handsome and loving young man. Tonight as he was heading to bed, I asked if he was too old for decorations and if he wanted to change it up a bit. His reply was 'I will never be too old Mum, I will always be your baby'! So with that, Mark and I followed tradition and have wrapped presents and decorated the room ready for him to wake up all excited tomorrow as a 14 year old! I say it every year but time really does fly by so fast! I am so very blessed that we have Ace here with us today to celebrate his birthday and hope that the year ahead is one of happiness, love and laughter! Happy 14th Birthday my baby boy...I never truly knew what love was until that very first moment I held you in my arms.

Our traditional decoration and present set up!

This boy melts my heart!

CATCH UP WITH PA!

We got to spend some time at Torquay beach with Marketta, Keana and Kohden and the best part was that Pa was there too.  I think it is awesome that he is off travelling around Australia,but when he comes to visit its awesome!

CAMPING HOLIDAY!

How blessed we are to have spent 13 days and 12 nights away in this beautiful piece of the Australian Bush. Being off the grid, away from the distractions of daily life was exactly what we needed to recharge and refocus.  We all came home with our hearts are so full of gratitude and we cannot wait to get back out into the bush again soon.  Ahh the SERENITY!

Wellington River, Licola

YEAR 1 OF UNI COMPLETE!

I stuck it out and I actually did it!  I cannot even begin to tell you how proud I am of myself for sticking this through.  Its been a tough ride at times but I am not going to quit!  Oh and I am actually kicking some major arse and getting half decent grades...okay so not as many HD's as I would like but a D beats a P and that's all I really need for the degree.

LAST SCHOOL HOLIDAY HOORAH!

Given it was a stinkin' hot day and our pool was green from us neglecting it when we went away, we decided to head down to the local pool to cool off.  This turned into the most awesome impromtu afternoon, evening, night as we caught up with Mel and the kids and not only hung out at the pool together but also went for fish 'n' chips in the park and a had a boogie and a slurpee at 7-11.  I really hope we do it again soon as it really made all our hearts smile!

Love these guys...so much fun!

SCHOOLS BACK!

JAN 29th

Despite the fact that we were all still in holiyay mode with camping gear from arsehole to breakfast and our scheduling up shit creek, we managed to get stationary all labelled, uniforms laid out and lunches ready for the start of the 2018 school term. Ace, Mr. 14 an experienced high schooler in Year 8, took it all in his massive 7ft 20" giant stride. Jazz, Mr. 12 and new to the high school experience, was more on the nervous side about it all,but excited about the tooth fairy visiting. Me?  I just sitting there thinking WOW...where did the time go?

JAN 30th - Term 1 2018!

Our house was bustling with first day of school excitement from the crack of dawn! I can't believe that I am now officially a highschool Mum...oh how time passes by so fast and how so much changes and yet stays the same. 

 They may be all grown up, but they will forever be my baby boys. 

CRAZY OCD MODE!

The boys are back to school and I have a month off uni which means I can do a big summer clear out and clean up which equals room to create - all whilst juggling work in between it all ofcourse! The boys came home from their first day of school to find their rooms now have a homework space. I have a meditation corner and Hosannas room has a little table and chairs. I can't believe how 'stuff' just accumulates...it wasn't that long ago I did a massive cull!  Still not quite done, but it will get done, one thing at a time.  I am starting to feel a little more sane with it organised, ironic really, as this frenzy state makes me look the opposite!  By the time I finish this cleaning frenzy I think studying is going to be a breeze in comparrison!

Goodbye January, you have been full of amazingly awesome memories!

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Goodbye 2017...

As I sit here on my back veranda watching my boys ride on their scooters, making vlogs for their YouTube accounts with rap music playing in the background (omgoodness...if they play this same song again for the fifth time, I may just have to blame the lyrics for my insanity LOL), I thought it would be a good time to write a goodbye 2017 blog.

What a year it has been!  Not the best, not the worst, just simply what it was!  

Jan - Ace became a teenager, we went on a family camping trip into the bush for 8 days, we celebrated Keanas 4th birthday and Kohdens 1st birthday - and what a year it was for him!

Feb - Ace started high school, Jazz started his last year of primary school, we went back to court and also celebrated our friends Nicole and Anthony's engagement.

Mar - My tonsil saga was finally over, Ace went to Phillip Island, We fare welled our friends who travelled this beautiful country of ours for six months - oh how we wish to do the same one day!

Apr - Family holiday to Tasmania and we lost our precious Tatt who was our family pet for 13 years - oh how I miss him every single day.

May - Life went on despite depression being hard to bare

Jun -  Jazz turned 12 and Ace got sick which saw us spend two weeks in hospital - we are so very blessed to have him with us today.

July - I got pneumonia, Jazz got severe tonsillitis and Ace was incredibly ill so the boys were home schooled by Marky for the month.

Aug - Boys went back to school, I landed on my feet and we went back to court for two full weeks.

Sept - We watched Jazz in his Grade 6 production.

Oct - Jazz went to Canberra.

Nov - We spent another 2 weeks in court.

Dec - Jazz had his tonsils out, performed in his last primary school concert, graduated from Primary School.  Ace finished his first year of high school.  I finished my first year of Uni.  We won the court case we had been fighting.

Of course there is so much more not mentioned...like hospital trips for Mums chemo and Mark's prostatitis bouts, date nights, family outings...ups, downs, smiles, frowns and everything in between!

Do I hold any high hopes for 2018?  Nope!

It will be what it is, until it is something different!

Kind of seems cynical doesn't it?  Perhaps even a little lack lustered.  Maybe its because I'm feeling a little off colour at the moment, or maybe its because I am at peace with my life right now...a bit of both I think.  

Of course I have hopes that I plan to manifest into reality this coming year, but in all honestly I have also learnt that things change along the way...whether its because life throws us a curve ball or because we change the goal posts...either way, things change!  

I haven't always done that well with change in the past and tried to control things way too much, seeing me come unstuck. This year, I am going to choose to just allow things to be what they are.  In doing that, I can then then choose the way I react to them!  As simple as that!

So as I sit here now, reflecting...what I can say with my hand placed firmly upon my heart, is that I feel so utterly and truly blessed that I have my family here with me today, that Mum is still a big part of our lives, that my little sister and her family are happy and healthy, that I have friendships that I cherish dearly, that I have an extended family that accepts me and my boys as part of theirs and lastly...that I get to see the end of 2017 and the start of 2018.

So from me to you on this last day of the year.  Whatever it is that you choose 2018 to be, I hope it is filled with an abundance of love, light and peace!

LOVE of yourself and of others!

LIGHT that ignites the spark within and sets your soul on fire!

PEACE within your heart and all around you!

Love, Light and Peace from me to you!

Read more "Goodbye 2017..."

Welcome to Hell!

OK so its a year late but better late than never LOL!  I've had this sitting waiting to be edited and posted for a while but just never gotten around to it.  I had planned on adding some vlogs that I took along the way but in all honesty...I can't be bothered and just want this posted so I don't have anything pending!

I thought it was time for me to blog and update you all on how I've been going since the op!

The day before...6th December 2016

Lets just say that I was in crazy OCD mode so that all i's were dotted and t's were crossed before I had my surgery.  I had even recorded a video for my baby boys telling them how wonderful they are and how proud of them I am.  I am so glad that it wasn't needed for the purpose in which I recorded it...yes silly I know but surgery isn't a small thing and after my last one (my lungs collapsed) we were a wee bit worried.

  

When I finally had everything sorted and sat down for a nice hot cuppa I spilt the whole thing on my knee - OUCH it stung like a mofo and I broke my cup just to add salt to the wound.  My lap was so red and hot that we thought a trip to the ED was on the cards but luckily it cooled down thanks to cold face washers and some aloe vera to take out the sting.  The only thing that kept going through my head was how my Mum had done the same thing when we weren't speaking and ended up with severe burns AND I wasn't there for her :( - enough dwelling on that though main thing is, I am now and have been right there through all the hurdles of this past year.

So, when I was finlly game enough (it took a little while), I had my last cuppa and a bite to eat just before midnight.

My bag all packed complete with Jazzs teddy bear & I found out in hospital that Ace had put his one in my bag too.  My boys are seriously the sweetest ever!

Day 1 - Sugery Day

Wednesday 7th December 2016

The morning of surgery ran fairly smoothly although the boys were reluctant to go to school as they wanted to come with me but we assured them I would see them later that night.

We got to the hospital just before 10am and then just anxiously and nervously waited until I was called at 12.30pm.

When I got up to go in, I dropped everything on the floor, forgot to give Mark a kiss goodbye so turned back to do that and grabbed my bag which I had also forgotten and through all the anxiousness ended up with my purse on me which I was supposed to leave with Mark. Did the mention the nurse rolled her eyes at me...uh huh...luckily by the end of check in (answering the same questions I had been asked in the pre op appointments, signing my life away, peeing in a jar, getting fitted for sexy stocking and changing into my gown) she warmed up and gave me a smile.

She then took me in settled me on a bed and it was more waiting AND getting up to pee which was only nerves as there was only a drop or two each time LOL.

Finally a couple of other nurses came and wheeled me down closer to the operating room where I waited some more.  Spewing I missed the end of the movie I was watching...it was just getting to the good parts.

The same nurse I had for pre-op came in and put my bung in and I also had a lovely visit from my friend Renee who was working in recovery that day.  The anathesetist then came and ran me through a few things like the antibiotic they were going to give me via IV which he needed to scurry off and change as it was penicillin and Im allergic to it eekk..lucky he spoke to me.  Then he came back and squeezed a little something into my drip to make me sleepy.

Not long after that they wheeled me into the operating room, I shuffled from one bed to the other and then woke up in the recovery.  I feel so blessed that my sweet friend was my recovery nurse as she took extra good care of me and more so because she didn't post an ebarrassing photo on facey - which she had contemplated LOL.  I felt pretty good considering other than not being able to swallow so I stupidly didn't get a top up of morphine before going to the ward - big mistake it wore off quickly and boy did I know about it.

I still had issues swallowing and so pain relief wasn't able to be given as in maternity (the surgical ward was full) I really only had the option of oral meds.  I had a couple of nurses come in and give me a pep talk about pushing through the pain to swallow which got me upset enough to start bawling.  When they finally realised that I was trying to swallow but physically couldn't they gave me a morphine jab in the leg - thank f_%k for that.

They rang the surgeon and he suggested an icypole placed deep into the throat...gag city - but it worked.  What a relief to be able to swallow again not only to get pain meds in but also because every time I tried to drink I would cough and that meant a bloody goopy mess eeewww!

Mum, Mark and the boys came to visit for a little while but because I wasnt that crash hot they left me to rest.

My dinner night one was 2 cans of coke and cordial flavoured ice chips.

To say that I had a rough night is an understatement.  Low blood pressure and heaps of pain is not fun...add to that needing to pee every 30 minutes which was a challenge with the drip in.

Day 2...8th December 2016

The surgeon was supposed to come and see me first thing in the morning but as I was on the maternity ward...forgot about me.  The nurse called him and at first they werent going to let me come home.  As I lived close by, Mark would be there to watch me, and I managed to get my breaky of soggy cornflakes, cold toast with marmalade (ouch) and cold tea down they said it was ok BUT I had to see the surgeon at his rooms first.

Around noon I was finally seen and he said that considering the state of my tonsils (huge and pussy were his words) I was doing Ok and could go home as long as I rested, took regular pain meds, gargled with Hydrogen Peroxide, took my throat numbing gel and drank lots of coke.

Day 3...My 42nd birthday - 9th December 2016

I woke up to streamers and balloons on the ceiling, the boys gave me their gifts and then a special treat of painting my nails.

Mum came over and we did the whole cake thing which saw us laughing as blowing out the candles wasn't exactly easy.

One of my beautiful friends dropped off flowers and a card and another came and visited and we sat and she chatted LOL.

I was also showered with messages of love on facey which really made me feel special.

Day 4....Exhausted!

On Day 5 - 11th Decenber 2016, I posted this on instagram...

Quote  is spot on - OUCH!  Still can't talk properly, eating and drinking is torture, wake up to swallow tabs (endure pain to reduce pain), gargle with peroxide and numbing gel, then drift back into lalaland...REPEAT process!  Remind me again that this will be better in the long run  #notfun #f/%*ingpainful #tonsellectomy #ouch #operationrecovery #patience #postop #update

Day 7 - Exactly 1 week since surgery - a whole 7 days and unfortunately it still felt like hell.

I did finally manage to get a half descent sleep though but that meant missing my 3 hourly pain doage which left me wondering if sleep was really worth it.

I had planned on updating more often but days have all seemed to blurr together in my drug induced state.

Friday 16th - I went and saw the specialist and he said...

I started this blog on Thursday 29th of December 2016 and things then were getting better.  The biggest improvements were that the pain had reduced and I had been able to cut back on my pain meds, I could almost talk properly and I was able to do more with less rest breaks.  Next appointment with Surgeon in Feb to talk about the next step.

Ok, Ok, I know I've been slack in finishing this as its now May 18th...holy shit time flies quick.

Anyway having my tonsils out has definitely been the best thing I could of done.

As I type this now ready to hit the 'publish' button, its December 31st 2017 and funnily enough I have a bloody sore throat.  My first proper one since recovering from this op.  In comparrison to what I used to experience, its a walk in the park and I know I will bounce back again without the need for medical intervention. WOW, how things have changed!

Read more "Welcome to Hell!"