School Holiday Laziness

I'm in a bit of a reflective mood at the moment, perhaps its the fact that October is here and it feels as though I have blinked and missed the past nine months.  In saying that though, I know that they definitey existed...I have the battle scars to prove it and the happy memories too ofcourse!  

The boys are on school holidays at the moment - which I LOVE!  Most of the past 11 days have been so laid back and relaxed that tonight I have a feeling of 'we should of been, should be, doing something...anything!'.  Why is it that I am feeling uneasy about the down time, that is, has been, so beneficial and much needed for all of us?  I kind of feel lazy in someway and yet I have worked, studied here and there and kept the house in order and cooked healthy meals and all that other usual mummy/wifey stuff that I actually like doing.  Mind you, even that has been smooth sailing. 

Perhaps its the pessimist in me but it almost feels like the calm before the storm.  LOL, can't win can we?  On one hand we wish for things to slow down and on the other we question it when it does.

Something in between would be good, a balance between the calm and the storm.  And there it is the key to everything...balance!  

Anyway, just felt like sharing!  

Remind me to come back and read this when I'm holding on for dear life in the storm wishing it would pass - haha! 

Read more "School Holiday Laziness"

Mind, Body, Soul Consciousness

Since studying I have been made to question my own definitions and beliefs in things such as health, healing, the connection between mind, body and soul, as well as the existence of a higher power. I thought I would share a few of my ideas with you...

I believe that health is the culmination of the physical, mental and spiritual centres of an individual working in harmony together to provide balance. Health is non-linear...there is no straight line to get there, no perfect picture of what it looks like. As I am sure I would of mentioned in a previous post, 'perfection' is a state of mind; something worth striving for but unreachable at the same time, due to our own expectations and definitions of said perfection changing along the way; everyone has a different view of what 'perfect' means to them. 

I believe that within each of us is the innate ability to heal; to preserve life. This ability is powered by a subtle energy that allows for harmonious functioning as a whole being; a balance physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and essentially. Just as I believe that health is not a ‘one size fits all’ approach, I also believe that this innate ability, whilst present in all living things, is an individual process dependent upon how the concept is embraced. 

Is this innate ability our soul, our spirit, God perhaps? I personally believe it to be my soul, which is one and the same as my spirit - just a play on words really. It is the flame that keeps my spark of life ignited. God, I believe the Galactic Omnipresent Divinity - a power higher than myself that fuels the fire. Again I believe these definitions are open to interpretation of the individual.

I believe in the connection between body, mind and soul. Each whilst being its own entity, each is enmeshed with the other to the point that what we think, we ultimately become; all assisted with the innate ability of preservation driven by an invisible energetic force.

In today's world, uunfortunately, many have chosen to close the door of their mind and lost their spiritual connectedness, now behaving in a way that strongly emphasizes the separation of their body, mind, soul connection. The tangible dense energy of duality, has become so deeply ingrained into our world culture that it is an almost inescapable background assumption of all our thinking; appearing as a cause and effect of limiting boundaries to our potential consciousness. Without having tried to encounter, experience or understand the laws of nature, many have enclosed themselves in boxes of limited definitions, keeping them imprisoned in the denseness of fear, afraid to recognize the power lying dormant within, thus keeping them locked into frozen energy patterns. These distorted expressions of life can only be maintained if they are sustained through thoughts, words, actions, feelings or beliefs, that are in discord to that of the symphony of life. 

Despite wishing to change the course of life’s events, ironically, we fear change, when change itself cannot be scary. It is only change! By adjusting our perceptions and having the courage to go beyond what we already know and to explore our inner depths, we can shine a light on the shadows and awaken our consciousness, pushing to the surface anything that conflicts with the harmonious frequencies of the symphony. This creates an illusion that things are getting worse and has the potential to return our focus to the problem instead of the solution. However, by remembering that negativity needs to be transmuted back into positivity, it reduces/eliminates the problems instead of intensifying them. 

I believe that consciousness, is the vibrational shift that keeps the cycle of existence turning, it is our connection to spirit. Once we truly consciously connect with our true self, the intrinsic interwoven-ness with everything becomes visible. It alters the conditions of our life experiences with the recognition that we are the co-creator of our reality and sovereignty over our own life is the expression of our conscious choices. 

By focusing our thoughts holistically and becoming consciously aware of the body, mind, soul connection, it will release us from the frozen energy patterns, freeing us from the materialistic world of judgment, therefore activating the innate ability to fully accept and embrace our humanness, whilst also becoming aware of our vastness; merging them together to become deeply grounded within our true self, full of infinite vitality.

In saying all of this, I believe that wherever one sits currently in the path of health, a connection of the trinity or disjointedly focused, there is no right or wrong, it is all simply part of the individual journey to awakening. 

Read more "Mind, Body, Soul Consciousness"

Don't Wake Me Up...

Without rattling my own chain (ok so maybe just a little rattle), sometimes I will listen to songs I've written and think, 'Did I truly write that'?  That thought comes partly because I am in awe of the song and also partly because these days my song writing inspiration is so rare that I wonder whether it really was me and whether I still have it.  I guess for me, inspiration can't be forced, it comes when you least expect it!  And that is exactly what has happened with my newest song called Don't wake me up :)

On the weekend I had a little tinker on my guitar and as I was flicking through my song book I found a chord progression and a lyric line I had been playing around with back in Jan 2015. Anyway, long story short...I sat with it a bit, put it down when I couldn't come up with anything and then came back to it again yesterday and this baby was born. Not my most amazing of original songs but still something I am proud to say I wrote. 

This one is for my sweet man Mark...I am so glad to be dreaming with him!  Words don't really do justice to describe the way he makes me feel, the joy he brings to my life...I love him with every inch of my being, I am in love with him more today than I ever thought was possible.  Sickening isn't it LOL!

Read more "Don't Wake Me Up..."

The jury is still out...

So the jury isn't really out on whether I am cracked or not but is it still out on the court case regarding my step daughter.  Maybe me posting the last line in the previous blog was my subconscious letting me know that I need to talk about it and get it out there and yet...I can't really write much about it.  Which, just so you know, really sucks because I would love nothing more than to be able to name and shame and to truly have the truth out there.  To open peoples eyes to the despicable human beings that her mother is, that her siblings are!  Oh gosh, this whole thing makes me sooooo mad!  All we can do is hope that those who have the power to make the final decision, make it wisely...we will find out in December.  Yet another year of our lives spent in limbo! Well, in all fairness we aren't really in limbo, our lives continue and we now finally have a schedule of visitations that suits our family...the juggling of our weekly schedule seems like a distant memory now - thank goodness for that!  

So what can I say?  

I can say that I have never in my life experienced the kind of hate that I feel for this woman.  I feel no compassion, no empathy at all for her, for those she incubated - other than of course the victim...our innocent little girl, who should not have ever endured what she did at such a tender age and continues to endure as a result.

I can say that these feelings of contempt are so foreign to my being that it almost feels like there is a demon inside of me wanting to get out and rip them to shreds.

I can say that if she were to catch on fire, I would go and piss on the tree next to her and watch as she screamed in pain...I had better stop there, because it just makes me more angry!  

Why does it make me so angry?

It makes me angry because I believe as a mother it is our job to protect our children.  To make sure that they never experience the level of torture that this mother allowed to happen time and time again and still to this day thinks it is 'no big deal'!

It makes me angry because I sit in disbelief that this woman is such a shitful parent and yet continues to breed, when there are those I know cannot bare children and would without question hold their position of a mother in as much high regard as I do.

It makes me angry that she pretends to be 'godly' and 'presents well', when in fact she is the opposite but because of her absolute two faced persona my faith, my beliefs are constantly questioned.

It makes me angry that she is given a right to fight, where the truth is right there in black and white and the ruling should be just as straight forward.  She does not deserve to be a mother at all!

It makes me angry that I allow such a disgraceful, pathetic, worthless, piece of rancid dick cheese scum, get under my skin the way it does and evoke emotions that are so left of centre to who I see myself being, who I really am.

I am angry at myself for not being able to find compassion, empathy, forgiveness and love for them when I have been able to do that for every other person in my life including myself, and lord knows that I have made mistakes.  But could I ever forgive myself for a mistake as huge as hers, as theirs?  No, fucking way!

I have tried to let go of my hatred, I truly have.  But with each day in court, with each new disclosure that went ignored, with each new mind fucking event that she allows to take place...I just can't get my head around it all enough for my heart to be able to be open to the possibility of an ounce of 'light' where she, they are concerned.

It truly eats me up inside and I wish with everything that it didn't.  I have considered walking away and just saying 'fuck it'...whatever happens happens but how can I do that in good faith, knowing that if she gets that little girl back in her care, I may as well also be signing her death warrant.  What scares me most of all is that I don't only mean that figuratively!

So...there it is, my two cents worth on a topic that is such an enormous part of our lives at present and a part that we really wish wasn't.

How do I get through each day despite these feelings eating me up from the inside out? 

I be the best mother I can be, ensuring that my children (all 3 of them) know what is and is not appropriate and acceptable behaviour by being a present, nurturing, loving, protective guiding force.  As much as I believe perfection is a state of mind, I also believe a mother should always aim towards it.  I show my man what it is to be part of family where love, rules, boundaries, routine and teamwork make us thrive.  I tell myself that its okay to feel the way I do and forgive myself for it, but remind myself that I do in fact need to let it go and never give up trying, because I refuse to give my power over to them!

Read more "The jury is still out..."