The jury is still out...

So the jury isn't really out on whether I am cracked or not but is it still out on the court case regarding my step daughter.  Maybe me posting the last line in the previous blog was my subconscious letting me know that I need to talk about it and get it out there and yet...I can't really write much about it.  Which, just so you know, really sucks because I would love nothing more than to be able to name and shame and to truly have the truth out there.  To open peoples eyes to the despicable human beings that her mother is, that her siblings are!  Oh gosh, this whole thing makes me sooooo mad!  All we can do is hope that those who have the power to make the final decision, make it wisely...we will find out in December.  Yet another year of our lives spent in limbo! Well, in all fairness we aren't really in limbo, our lives continue and we now finally have a schedule of visitations that suits our family...the juggling of our weekly schedule seems like a distant memory now - thank goodness for that!  

So what can I say?  

I can say that I have never in my life experienced the kind of hate that I feel for this woman.  I feel no compassion, no empathy at all for her, for those she incubated - other than of course the victim...our innocent little girl, who should not have ever endured what she did at such a tender age and continues to endure as a result.

I can say that these feelings of contempt are so foreign to my being that it almost feels like there is a demon inside of me wanting to get out and rip them to shreds.

I can say that if she were to catch on fire, I would go and piss on the tree next to her and watch as she screamed in pain...I had better stop there, because it just makes me more angry!  

Why does it make me so angry?

It makes me angry because I believe as a mother it is our job to protect our children.  To make sure that they never experience the level of torture that this mother allowed to happen time and time again and still to this day thinks it is 'no big deal'!

It makes me angry because I sit in disbelief that this woman is such a shitful parent and yet continues to breed, when there are those I know cannot bare children and would without question hold their position of a mother in as much high regard as I do.

It makes me angry that she pretends to be 'godly' and 'presents well', when in fact she is the opposite but because of her absolute two faced persona my faith, my beliefs are constantly questioned.

It makes me angry that she is given a right to fight, where the truth is right there in black and white and the ruling should be just as straight forward.  She does not deserve to be a mother at all!

It makes me angry that I allow such a disgraceful, pathetic, worthless, piece of rancid dick cheese scum, get under my skin the way it does and evoke emotions that are so left of centre to who I see myself being, who I really am.

I am angry at myself for not being able to find compassion, empathy, forgiveness and love for them when I have been able to do that for every other person in my life including myself, and lord knows that I have made mistakes.  But could I ever forgive myself for a mistake as huge as hers, as theirs?  No, fucking way!

I have tried to let go of my hatred, I truly have.  But with each day in court, with each new disclosure that went ignored, with each new mind fucking event that she allows to take place...I just can't get my head around it all enough for my heart to be able to be open to the possibility of an ounce of 'light' where she, they are concerned.

It truly eats me up inside and I wish with everything that it didn't.  I have considered walking away and just saying 'fuck it'...whatever happens happens but how can I do that in good faith, knowing that if she gets that little girl back in her care, I may as well also be signing her death warrant.  What scares me most of all is that I don't only mean that figuratively!

So...there it is, my two cents worth on a topic that is such an enormous part of our lives at present and a part that we really wish wasn't.

How do I get through each day despite these feelings eating me up from the inside out? 

I be the best mother I can be, ensuring that my children (all 3 of them) know what is and is not appropriate and acceptable behaviour by being a present, nurturing, loving, protective guiding force.  As much as I believe perfection is a state of mind, I also believe a mother should always aim towards it.  I show my man what it is to be part of family where love, rules, boundaries, routine and teamwork make us thrive.  I tell myself that its okay to feel the way I do and forgive myself for it, but remind myself that I do in fact need to let it go and never give up trying, because I refuse to give my power over to them!