The jury is still out...

So the jury isn't really out on whether I am cracked or not but is it still out on the court case regarding my step daughter.  Maybe me posting the last line in the previous blog was my subconscious letting me know that I need to talk about it and get it out there and yet...I can't really write much about it.  Which, just so you know, really sucks because I would love nothing more than to be able to name and shame and to truly have the truth out there.  To open peoples eyes to the despicable human beings that her mother is, that her siblings are!  Oh gosh, this whole thing makes me sooooo mad!  All we can do is hope that those who have the power to make the final decision, make it wisely...we will find out in December.  Yet another year of our lives spent in limbo! Well, in all fairness we aren't really in limbo, our lives continue and we now finally have a schedule of visitations that suits our family...the juggling of our weekly schedule seems like a distant memory now - thank goodness for that!  

So what can I say?  

I can say that I have never in my life experienced the kind of hate that I feel for this woman.  I feel no compassion, no empathy at all for her, for those she incubated - other than of course the victim...our innocent little girl, who should not have ever endured what she did at such a tender age and continues to endure as a result.

I can say that these feelings of contempt are so foreign to my being that it almost feels like there is a demon inside of me wanting to get out and rip them to shreds.

I can say that if she were to catch on fire, I would go and piss on the tree next to her and watch as she screamed in pain...I had better stop there, because it just makes me more angry!  

Why does it make me so angry?

It makes me angry because I believe as a mother it is our job to protect our children.  To make sure that they never experience the level of torture that this mother allowed to happen time and time again and still to this day thinks it is 'no big deal'!

It makes me angry because I sit in disbelief that this woman is such a shitful parent and yet continues to breed, when there are those I know cannot bare children and would without question hold their position of a mother in as much high regard as I do.

It makes me angry that she pretends to be 'godly' and 'presents well', when in fact she is the opposite but because of her absolute two faced persona my faith, my beliefs are constantly questioned.

It makes me angry that she is given a right to fight, where the truth is right there in black and white and the ruling should be just as straight forward.  She does not deserve to be a mother at all!

It makes me angry that I allow such a disgraceful, pathetic, worthless, piece of rancid dick cheese scum, get under my skin the way it does and evoke emotions that are so left of centre to who I see myself being, who I really am.

I am angry at myself for not being able to find compassion, empathy, forgiveness and love for them when I have been able to do that for every other person in my life including myself, and lord knows that I have made mistakes.  But could I ever forgive myself for a mistake as huge as hers, as theirs?  No, fucking way!

I have tried to let go of my hatred, I truly have.  But with each day in court, with each new disclosure that went ignored, with each new mind fucking event that she allows to take place...I just can't get my head around it all enough for my heart to be able to be open to the possibility of an ounce of 'light' where she, they are concerned.

It truly eats me up inside and I wish with everything that it didn't.  I have considered walking away and just saying 'fuck it'...whatever happens happens but how can I do that in good faith, knowing that if she gets that little girl back in her care, I may as well also be signing her death warrant.  What scares me most of all is that I don't only mean that figuratively!

So...there it is, my two cents worth on a topic that is such an enormous part of our lives at present and a part that we really wish wasn't.

How do I get through each day despite these feelings eating me up from the inside out? 

I be the best mother I can be, ensuring that my children (all 3 of them) know what is and is not appropriate and acceptable behaviour by being a present, nurturing, loving, protective guiding force.  As much as I believe perfection is a state of mind, I also believe a mother should always aim towards it.  I show my man what it is to be part of family where love, rules, boundaries, routine and teamwork make us thrive.  I tell myself that its okay to feel the way I do and forgive myself for it, but remind myself that I do in fact need to let it go and never give up trying, because I refuse to give my power over to them!

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Thoughts...

12 noon

I've just returned home from a counselling session and as always it has helped heaps, but I still have so much going on in this head of mine and so I thought I would try and get it out on the page so that I can de-clutter and have room to actually process each one individually.  Omgoodness where to start...

Uni - I'm gonna say it again 'Holy shit - what was I thinking?'.  How the fuck am I going to find 20 hours a week to dedicate to this?  How the fuck am I going to remember everything?  Should I already be enrolling for me next subjects?  What if I can't remember all the stuff from the subjects I got exemptions for?  

Court - Is fighting for what we are fighting for really the best thing for my family, for me?  Should we work towards rebuilding the broken relationships?  Would we just be inviting the devil back into our lives?  Are my doubts just fear?  How can I keep my boys protected?  Am I being overprotective?

Wedding - Do we save up for a proper one or do we just elope and use the money for things we really need?  What kind of dress do I want? Am I going to lose weight?  Maybe I shouldn't focus on that because what if it triggers my eating disorder? If we go on a family holiday where should we go? Will we be able to fit it in with everything going on?

Money - I am so sick of being broke!  How can I continue to work and study at the same time?  How are we going to manage Christmas, Ace's Birthday and still live?  How are we going to manage during the recovery period after my op? 

Health - I'm sick yet again wtf!  I just want these tonsils out ffs!  When are they going to finally rip them out?  Oh shit if it is this year I still have a crap load of stuff to organise!  

My Ex - Do I drop off the boys next fortnight even though they don't really want to go and the reason why they don't want to go is valid and despite me discussing it with their Dad after the first time and him sating it wouldn't happen again?  Thankfully he is moving soon so it shouldn't be an issue again but what to do in the meantime?

Family - I'm worried about Mum especially more so now that we lost our pet cockatoo of 35+ years last week.  I'm worried about me not having a bond with my niece and nephew due to not seeing them because of always being sick.  

Plus so so many more thoughts about everything...its pure craziness!

As you can imagine each thought is popping up and then I'm having a conversation with myself, well more of a debate between my heart and my head. I guess the positive is that I have good supports that I can use to give me different perspectives on each of my thoughts even if often it just throws yet another train of thought into the mix.

Phew any wonder I am so exhausted.  It doesn't help that I haven't had a decent sleep for the past 3 nights because I've been worried about my youngest having an asthma attack in his sleep - and see that just sent off another train of thought about how my sisters coping? and me feeling guilty worrying about my son when my little nephew is only a bubba and they are going through so much more.  FFS...I need to turn off my brain!  

10.00pm

So this afternoon after blood tests, doctors appointments and running around to find somewhere to print and laminate an A3 sheet for uni I came home and thought I'd lay down while I watch my Uni Tutorial before needing to work tonight.  A few hours later I woke up oops!  Thankfully my sweet man had messaged to clients to say I was unwell, did everything else that needed to be done around the house and also took care of our boys - gosh he's just the best!

So anyway here I am still exhausted despite my long afternoon/eveing nana nap.

On a positive though getting my thoughts out of my head and down on paper (well my phone screen) has helped somewhat...makes it more like something I can come back to and address one by one rather than being  jumbled mess.

Another positive is that tomorrow is a day off work so I plan to sleep in and then make a proper start on my uni stuff. 

Tonight however I am going to shut down this brain of mine and rest...my phone is at 3% so maybe its a sign lol.

Oh and yes I know MINDFULNESS - I have all the skills I just need to do it! 

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For every up there is a...

You know how it goes right?  In life you take the ups with the downs!

I shouldn't really be surprised that after my big 'I GOT ENGAGED' weekend I started feeling a little off colour, albeit still floating on a cloud of newly engaged bliss - until yesterday anyway!

  

There was no need for me to wear a Halloween costume this year - I already looked frightful enough without one.  Autoimmune / constant tonsillitis sucks big time!

I'm embarrassed to share this but it's the reality of my life.

The bags and dark circles are after sleeping for hours on end with thanks to phenergan.  The sore under my nose was a massive blister - cold sore thing,  I'm thankful it wasn't on my lips - it's been 2 week and it is still there.  You can't see it properly in the side photo but the lymph node in the throat is massive.

On top of me feeling like crap, yesterday we had yet another court date focusing on two things. 

1. Getting our little girl (my step daughter) to come and live with us full time rather than the only other alternative which is remaining in DHS/Foster Care.

2.  Ensuring that other orders are kept in place so that she (or anyone else - as we truly believe its only a matter of time that they 'all' cross a line) are never traumatised in the same way.

For the past 48 hours I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions from disappointment, anger (well more rage), sadness, hatred, confusion, disbelief and so on - I can't even begin to describe the myriad of emotions adequately enough.   My head has been thumping from the constant battle its been having with my heart which has felt like its breaking and I've been drowning in a haze of my own grief. 

There is just so much I want to say but can't due to legalities.  This whole situation is just purely and utterly FUCKED!  

Dealing with DHS as frustrating as it is, is the easy part.  

Dealing with the narcissistic incubator is a different story.  I could say so much more but they really aren't worth the energy it would take to express it...I'd rather spend my time cleaning up dog shit!

So anyway, tonight I sat and played my guitar and sang my heart out to some original songs.  As always music was my saviour and I walked away feeling like I've released it all to the universe, God, whatever you believe in - rather than continuing to carrying something that is tearing me apart when I have so many blessings in my life that keep me together.

The video quality sucks and is not my best vocal work...

But as I said earlier, I have a golf ball covered in razor blades in my throat

With regards to this court case, one thing I know for sure is that I don't quit when the going gets tough.  I am a fighter and give it everything I can until there is nothing left to give and that is exactly what I am going to do.  What WE, are going to do.

Mark and I spoke today about what our wishes are and what we are and are not willing to do in order to make them a reality.  Win or lose we will know that we have given it all we've got but still kept our self respect - that is something that can't be taken away unless we give it and it's not for sale regardless of the prize!

We have another court date coming up in December, then again in February and the big 10 day contest in March which will hopefully give us a final result.  No doubt more dates will come up along the way and as emotionally draining as they are, we can get through it together.

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I'm not superwoman...wait, really?

The past week and a bit (since court) has been a roller coaster of emotions and unfortunately my blog has suffered which totally sucks as it was my sanity, my way of getting everything out of my head to be better able to deal with it all.  In all honesty though, I just didn't have the energy or know what words to use to clearly express what I was feeling.  Well there were some words but it would of been an entire blog of only profanities...f$*#^+% c!@# b#$%@ h*#% s#$^!!!!

I will admit that I was feeling a sense of guilt for not blogging as often as I had set out to do, but then I realised that in order to write about my life, I actually need to be living and experiencing all aspects of it first.  Sometimes it is just too hectic to find the time to blog, because believe it or not I do actually sleep...sometimes!  A little comment left on my facebook blog page helped heaps too.

So...what have you (& I) missed out on with regards to my daily meditation?  Let me summerise it...

Daily Meditation - September 25 to September 30

Overthinking can lead to more confusion!  Confusion leads to negative self talk!

We need to make amends with those that our self-centeredness from our need to control has impacted.  The main person is ourselves!

Support is crucial for becoming more whole.  Whether the support is from family, friends or an outside source.  It is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength to seek help.

Being indispensable does not automatically bring security.

I do not need to be 'doing' in order to give of myself, I can do that just by 'being'.

When we break life down into smaller manageable components and take it one step at a time, it is much easier to deal with.

  

So with all of that said I am 'up to date' on my Daily Meditation, my Scripture Writing Plan has ended, as has my intagram photo-a-day (thank goodness for that one...why I did it again when I haven't enjoyed doing the past couple is beyond me) and today is the start of a new month...a new opportunity for change (Ooh I still have a couple of change blogs in the pipeline) and growth (I've got some garden updates to share also).   

What I am trying to say is I have removed any expectations from myself with regards to this blog.  I am not going to promise a meditation a day or a post a week, but when life allows you can bet that there will be a post or more telling you guys all about what is going on in this head and heart of mine; the raw and unscripted babble of my life and everything within it.

As much as I love to think that I am superwoman and can juggle a million things at once, the reality is that I only have two hands and 24 hours in the day (that's 1440 minutes or 86,400 seconds LOL).

I guess I'm just going to have to settle for being 'super' ordinary...I can deal with that!

Until next time sending love, light and peace to you xox.

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Reaching our limits & Overwhelmed Update...

On Wednesday, despite yet again feeling like absolute crap I pushed through and did my morning session of work.  Towards the end of the hour however I could feel that I was tiring really quickly.  I managed to get through and figured  that after an hour break I should be OK enough for my next appointment.  After 45 minutes my energy level still had not increased, if anything I felt even more depleted.  I uummed and arrhhed about whether to just push through again or to stop and really listen to what my body was telling me and ended up sending a last minute cancellation message and then went to bed for the rest of the day.  

I was hoping to get out in the garden as the rain had cleared for a little while so that made my decision making a little tough because my philosophy is that if I'm not well enough to work then I'm not well enough to garden.  I have the same kind of mental thought pattern when it comes to my housework - if I'm well enough to clean my house (to the ocd standard I like) then i am well enough to work.

The fact that I needed to be well enough to attend my sons Grade 6 production that he had been working so hard on and incredibly excited about ended up being the biggest motivator for me to call it quits for the day.  

If it wasn't for that I believe I would of probably pushed past that limit because I really dislike letting someone down.  I know realistically that me pushing through with work and then gardening and going out would of resulted in me being out of action for longer than just the afternoon, which would mean letting more than just that one person down but having to send that message was like me failing on so many different levels.

It is so hard when you work for yourself as no work equals no money (which of course means struggling to stay on top financially which is bloody stressful) and cancelling means not only letting people down but the possibly of losing them as a client.  Even though I have explained my health situation to everyone and I am so blessed that they are all incredibly understanding and supportive it is still something that worries me.

BUT, there has to be a point where all that is not as important as your own well being. I have learnt that unless you stop before crossing that line, the hole will just become bigger and harder to climb out of seeing you down for longer than is necessary if you just acknowledged that you were close to reaching that limit in the first place and yet despite knowing all this I still worked that morning and considered pushing through that afternoon.  Why oh why am i my own worth enemy.  

Today we had court and surprise surprise it was yet another waste of time.  We did find out though that the reason the report wasn't completed is because the other party hasn't bothered to attend the appointments needed to progress because she's been unwell - they didn't bother to show up today either...Seriously!  I've been unwell, Mark's been unwell and in hospital, I've also been taking someone else to their medical appointments and caring for them on top of my family and yet we have managed to attend all our appointments - all freaking 6 of them!  Lazy bitch honestly...the future of a little girl is waiting on this and yet they put themselves first yet again.  Anyway, a positive is that we got an updated DHS report which confirmed a lot of things we thought, still not enough being done on their part though - so much is going under the radar which is infuriating.

As we couldn't really progress today we got to come home early and I went straight back to bed and slept all afternoon, which was so needed.  Now, however I am finding it difficult to sleep despite still being tired...luckily I have my blog to keep me company.

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Jan 2016 to Now!

I kind of feel as though I can't really capture what is going on in my life NOW without also recapping a little of what the past two years have held (other than health and fitness wise anyway as you can read the recap blogs about that). I don't want to go delving into a long in depth look into the past and for reasons outside of my control some of it needs to be a little cryptic and so I will try as hard as possible to give you an insight without rambling.....

2014

This year left me feeling as though my world had been turned upside down.

- I had a huge fight with my Mum and we stopped talking.

- My relationship of 13 years to the father of my children ended.

- I lost really good friends.

- I started getting sick (all the time).

I felt like I hit rock bottom and it was heart breakingly devastating.

2015

Although not picture perfect 2015 was a year of putting new plans into place and setting the foundations ready to start rebuilding in 2016. Whilst so much of it was sucky, I am so thankful for each and every experience that the year held but also so glad that it came to an end. 

- I learnt to stand on my own two feet without a support network.

- I learnt how to co-parent with my ex and was able to rebuild a friendship.

- I started a new relationship with a sweet man named Mark who despite having an enormous amount of baggage that brings up so many emotions all rolled into one, is so worth every minute of it.

- I made amends with my Mum and started rebuilding our relationship.

- Crazy schedule with Mark's 6 children (5 Boys and 1 Girl ages ranging from 4 to 16). Let's just say that DHS are involved and his ex is not the kind of person/parent that I hold in high regard (how's that for tactful). 

- Lots of court cases for the above and lots of trial and error and tough decisions made.

- I spent a lot of the year unwell but finally got some answers.

- I had to give up training

As per every other year I held no false hope that with the striking of the clock at midnight that all the things that test my resolve would just magically lessen or disappear. All I could hope for was that I had laid enough of a strong road base that even the rockiest of situations wouldn't break me. 

2016

Whilst in a lot of ways it has been better than 2014 and 2015 it has certainly not been smooth sailing. In fact, I would have to say that in many ways it has been one of the toughest years so far, just on a different level.

- It's been yet another year of being sick constantly and being on medication after medication.

- I was advised that my waiting list paperwork had been misplaced and that I need to redo it and so my 1 year wait time would need to restart.

-  I needed to have surgery to fix my lapband which had been causing the bloating and tummy upsets.

- I ended toxic relationships and walked way from those who were causing dis-stress in my life.

- My little nephew Kohden was born with a congenital condition which saw him having half of a lung removed at the young age of 6 weeks old and was constantly in and out of hospital (more in than out).

- Hearing the gut wrenching words involving the C word and helping them through the treatment and the illness that followed as a result of chemotherapy lowering their bodies immune resistance and discovering other conditions that had previously gone undetected.

- Seeing the toughest person I know break down in tears and for a split second lose their fighting spirit.

- More court cases and psychological appointments working towards the possibility of Marks daughter coming into our full-time care.

- My man being unwell with a long standing condition playing up and causing havoc again.

- We have lost family members.

- I made the decision to cut back the hours on the business I worked so hard to build up.

NOW (August 2016)

Despite all of the things above, 2016 has also held many positives (as did 2014 and 2015).  It has opened my eyes to what / who, is really important to me and strengthened my relationships with those within it.  It has shown me that true strength has nothing to do with breaking PBs in the gym but what is on the inside.  It has given me the opportunity to think about what I really want to do with my life and who I am.

I've lost myself, found myself only to lose myself again 

and now I'm discovering the me that I truly am!

And just like that I woke to find that the sparkle had returned to my eyes and along with it, the zest for life that I had lost under the rubble of chaos that I had allowed to take over. Admittedly whilst so much was/is out of my control, I had completely surrendered my power to change anything admitting defeat rather than approaching it all with my usual dedication, persistence, passion....dare I say stubborness. Well, no more! Today is the day I take back my power, the day I decide to be proactive and change that which I can and accept (work around) that which I cannot rather than carrying it and allowing it to weigh heavily upon me. Today is the day I decide to breathe again, to live again rather than just going through the motions. I've got this!!

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