Humor / Relationships

August 28

I have to say that I am finding today's meditation topic kind of weird and having trouble relating to it.

'Remember one has to perform to get the prize.  One has to be to relate'.

I think its because the description says 'we often marry in order not to work', but that has never been something on my radar.  Yes, it would be great to be financially supported but for me the emotional support is much more important.  Besides that, what would I do if I didn't work?  Even my hobbies end up being work for me.  Like music for instance; it started out as just something I enjoyed doing and then before I knew it, I was actually making a living doing something I loved.  Actually, I pretty much only ever do a job if I love it!  Is being in a relationship considered a job?  I mean, we have to work at it don't we?  And, if we don't like it we walk away from it.  Just like a job!

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Lonliness

August 27 - Loneliness

"I was looking all over for what was missing in my life, and then I discovered I was".

"I've lost myself, found myself only to lose myself again and now I'm discovering the me that I truly am"!

You know that feeling of just going through the motions; just doing something because its become such an ingrained part of your existence, that its second nature and even though its just what you are used to doing, you feel so far removed from it all that you wonder who you are, whether you exist outside of this reality?

I've known that feeling all too well on many occasions and each time I've managed to pull myself out of the funk and change something in order to find me again, even if it has only been just a glimpse! 

I have the quote "Life isn't about finding yourself, its about creating yourself" floating around in my head at the moment and I'm at war with myself over whether I agree with it or not. I think for me its about finding yourself in the creative process. 

For example; in all my years of trying to lose weight in order to be a size 8, I've discovered strengths and weaknesses I never knew existed and realised that I am not defined by a clothing label or a number on the scales but, by everything else.  Like my determination, stubbornness, will. I sure as heck haven't found the size 8 me but I found out things about myself I like more than the 'dream' of that. I don't even know if this makes sense to you or not.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you don't like where you are, what you are doing, if you feel like you are drowning in stagnant water, then you have the ability to change it. You can decide to just move on, to do something that doesn't feel mundane and pointless, that doesn't make you feel like you don't exist outside of it. 

Ask yourself this. Does what I am doing fit my image of the ME I want to be? Is this who I am? Am I happy with this person that I see starring back at me? 

In my 41 years of my life, I have changed my life direction so many times because I have lost myself in the haze. From wanting to be a vet and going to university studying Applied Science only to realise that it was something I was doing just because I had told my Dad that I was going to do it, not because it was who I was and something I enjoyed. Doing Accounts Payable for 5 years to make ends meet and even though I was great at it, it stressed me out so much that I ended up being clinically diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. Getting married and getting my dream home only to realise that neither of them brought me happiness, because internally I was lost and unhappy with who I was. Becoming a Mum and a partner and living my life day by day, to be the best of those that I could be; trying so hard to make something that clearly wasn't working work because yet again I was lost, just existing in that space and time but not truly living.

So many times I've felt lost but have managed to find myself simply by changing the direction of my life, by recreating the me I want to be. 

It is bloody scary, there is no denying that but it is so much scarier watching your life from an outside perspective and wondering who that person is.

I am certainly not saying that everyone needs a career or relationship change when they feel lost but I am saying that you do need to realise that you have the ability to re-find yourself and that you are worthy of doing so.

As I write this I wonder to myself am I found? The answer is yes .... I am here, I am Me. Of course there are somethings that I'd like to change (mostly get these fricking tonsils ripped out) but I'm happy to take it all each step at a time. Who knows what the road ahead may bring me?  There could be a crossroad up ahead, we never truly know unless we keep on going. 

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Parenting....

August 26 - Parenting

"Perhaps one of the reasons my child chose me as his parent was because there was so much I need to learn".

I believe that our children are born to us for a reason....to learn from us and to teach us.  Since I've become a Mum (Mummy, Mumma) not only have I taught my boys some things about life that I believe are really important, but they have also taught me so much about myself and about life in the process.  

I've said before that parenting is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life but also definitely the most rewarding.   I hold my position as a parent in very high regard and believe it to be a privilege that I be able to have the honour day in and day out to speak into the lives of my children and for them to continue teaching me in the process.

Earlier this morning I received a phone call from the boys Dad asking me to help deal with a situation he was facing.  My 12 year old had lost one of his socks and had gone into 'melt down' mode.  

Now I could of very easily said 'its my kid free weekend, I'm off the clock deal with it yourself just like I do for the other 12 days of the fortnight', but that's not the kind of person / parent I am, so I dealt with it as best I could from a distance.

It is really difficult trying to calm down a child at the other end of the phone when the other parent has also become highly anxious and is trying to exert hierarchy rather than to actually listen, console and take proper steps to find the missing sock AND the other younger child has been drawn into it, choosing the side of his Dad.  As you can imagine the sobbing was heart breaking and the yelling in the background just made it worse.

One of the biggest things I have learn't in parenting which has also helped me in everyday life when it comes to dealing with conflict is that if I allow myself to be drawn into the 'bubble' of frustration, anxiety, sadness, rage; then the situation will not be solved.  But if I can remain calm and open minded and try to soothe the situation enough to draw them into my 'bubble', we are more likely to find that truce to be able to move forward.

So in the end the only thing I could do was this:

Speak to the youngest of my boys and remind him how he feels when it seems he is being picked on and when he can't find something.  Guide him to either be helpful to his brother in a loving way or to keep himself entertained doing something else away from the conflict.

Speak to the boys Dad and tell him to stop 'yelling', to go outside calm down and then to go back in and look again properly from a place of love.

Speak to the owner of the missing sock and get him to take a deep breathe and to calm down.  (We say to do 'turtle' which basically means to retreat inside your self for a little while).  Once he was calmed down he was given 3 choices.  He could a)  Keep on looking for his missing sock and keep getting flustered and have his Dad get stressed because he was waiting to go out to have things done by a certain time; b)  just wear the socks he doesn't like for the short term so that they can go out and do what needs to be done OR c)  not wear any socks at all.  Both b & c involved him looking for the sock once he returned.

After I spoke to all 3 I said there was nothing more I could do other than reminding them that this time together was supposed to be enjoyable and that it would most likely be another 12 days before they were together again.

Another lesson I have learnt is that some days you have to choose your battles and determine whether they are worth it or not.

5 minutes after I hung up the phone I received a text message from my eldest saying 'I love you Mum'.

Now I have no idea what happened when I hung up the phone, whether the sock has been found, whether the attitudes of all changed BUT I did what I could and learnt from it in the process.

I am not always going to be here to help with these situations so sharing my knowledge with them in the moment was valuable.  It also reminded me that on the days when they are home and I am flustered for one reason or another and a sock mysteriously goes missing.....to remember the advise I gave and do turtle and surround myself in a serenity bubble before looking for the bloody rouge sock lol.

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Random acts of kindness

Yesterday (27th August 2016) I was feeling less than OK, until I received a text message saying 'I have popped a little something into your letterbox'. After mustering up the energy to walk the few meters to the letter box I looked inside and found a gift of some Aromatherapy blends for my family to use along with a little note. It's amazing how your whole attitude can change in an instant. Admittedly I still physically felt like crap (as I still do now) but the warmth that such a random act of kindness brought to me at that instant was so powerful that it changed my whole attitude for the day and the glum, gloominess vanished.

So, to person who took the time to show love and kindness in such a beautiful way yesterday; I say thank you for being my reason to smile :)

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