Lonliness

August 27 - Loneliness

"I was looking all over for what was missing in my life, and then I discovered I was".

"I've lost myself, found myself only to lose myself again and now I'm discovering the me that I truly am"!

You know that feeling of just going through the motions; just doing something because its become such an ingrained part of your existence, that its second nature and even though its just what you are used to doing, you feel so far removed from it all that you wonder who you are, whether you exist outside of this reality?

I've known that feeling all too well on many occasions and each time I've managed to pull myself out of the funk and change something in order to find me again, even if it has only been just a glimpse! 

I have the quote "Life isn't about finding yourself, its about creating yourself" floating around in my head at the moment and I'm at war with myself over whether I agree with it or not. I think for me its about finding yourself in the creative process. 

For example; in all my years of trying to lose weight in order to be a size 8, I've discovered strengths and weaknesses I never knew existed and realised that I am not defined by a clothing label or a number on the scales but, by everything else.  Like my determination, stubbornness, will. I sure as heck haven't found the size 8 me but I found out things about myself I like more than the 'dream' of that. I don't even know if this makes sense to you or not.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you don't like where you are, what you are doing, if you feel like you are drowning in stagnant water, then you have the ability to change it. You can decide to just move on, to do something that doesn't feel mundane and pointless, that doesn't make you feel like you don't exist outside of it. 

Ask yourself this. Does what I am doing fit my image of the ME I want to be? Is this who I am? Am I happy with this person that I see starring back at me? 

In my 41 years of my life, I have changed my life direction so many times because I have lost myself in the haze. From wanting to be a vet and going to university studying Applied Science only to realise that it was something I was doing just because I had told my Dad that I was going to do it, not because it was who I was and something I enjoyed. Doing Accounts Payable for 5 years to make ends meet and even though I was great at it, it stressed me out so much that I ended up being clinically diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. Getting married and getting my dream home only to realise that neither of them brought me happiness, because internally I was lost and unhappy with who I was. Becoming a Mum and a partner and living my life day by day, to be the best of those that I could be; trying so hard to make something that clearly wasn't working work because yet again I was lost, just existing in that space and time but not truly living.

So many times I've felt lost but have managed to find myself simply by changing the direction of my life, by recreating the me I want to be. 

It is bloody scary, there is no denying that but it is so much scarier watching your life from an outside perspective and wondering who that person is.

I am certainly not saying that everyone needs a career or relationship change when they feel lost but I am saying that you do need to realise that you have the ability to re-find yourself and that you are worthy of doing so.

As I write this I wonder to myself am I found? The answer is yes .... I am here, I am Me. Of course there are somethings that I'd like to change (mostly get these fricking tonsils ripped out) but I'm happy to take it all each step at a time. Who knows what the road ahead may bring me?  There could be a crossroad up ahead, we never truly know unless we keep on going.