Don't Wake Me Up...

Without rattling my own chain (ok so maybe just a little rattle), sometimes I will listen to songs I've written and think, 'Did I truly write that'?  That thought comes partly because I am in awe of the song and also partly because these days my song writing inspiration is so rare that I wonder whether it really was me and whether I still have it.  I guess for me, inspiration can't be forced, it comes when you least expect it!  And that is exactly what has happened with my newest song called Don't wake me up :)

On the weekend I had a little tinker on my guitar and as I was flicking through my song book I found a chord progression and a lyric line I had been playing around with back in Jan 2015. Anyway, long story short...I sat with it a bit, put it down when I couldn't come up with anything and then came back to it again yesterday and this baby was born. Not my most amazing of original songs but still something I am proud to say I wrote. 

This one is for my sweet man Mark...I am so glad to be dreaming with him!  Words don't really do justice to describe the way he makes me feel, the joy he brings to my life...I love him with every inch of my being, I am in love with him more today than I ever thought was possible.  Sickening isn't it LOL!

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The jury is still out...

So the jury isn't really out on whether I am cracked or not but is it still out on the court case regarding my step daughter.  Maybe me posting the last line in the previous blog was my subconscious letting me know that I need to talk about it and get it out there and yet...I can't really write much about it.  Which, just so you know, really sucks because I would love nothing more than to be able to name and shame and to truly have the truth out there.  To open peoples eyes to the despicable human beings that her mother is, that her siblings are!  Oh gosh, this whole thing makes me sooooo mad!  All we can do is hope that those who have the power to make the final decision, make it wisely...we will find out in December.  Yet another year of our lives spent in limbo! Well, in all fairness we aren't really in limbo, our lives continue and we now finally have a schedule of visitations that suits our family...the juggling of our weekly schedule seems like a distant memory now - thank goodness for that!  

So what can I say?  

I can say that I have never in my life experienced the kind of hate that I feel for this woman.  I feel no compassion, no empathy at all for her, for those she incubated - other than of course the victim...our innocent little girl, who should not have ever endured what she did at such a tender age and continues to endure as a result.

I can say that these feelings of contempt are so foreign to my being that it almost feels like there is a demon inside of me wanting to get out and rip them to shreds.

I can say that if she were to catch on fire, I would go and piss on the tree next to her and watch as she screamed in pain...I had better stop there, because it just makes me more angry!  

Why does it make me so angry?

It makes me angry because I believe as a mother it is our job to protect our children.  To make sure that they never experience the level of torture that this mother allowed to happen time and time again and still to this day thinks it is 'no big deal'!

It makes me angry because I sit in disbelief that this woman is such a shitful parent and yet continues to breed, when there are those I know cannot bare children and would without question hold their position of a mother in as much high regard as I do.

It makes me angry that she pretends to be 'godly' and 'presents well', when in fact she is the opposite but because of her absolute two faced persona my faith, my beliefs are constantly questioned.

It makes me angry that she is given a right to fight, where the truth is right there in black and white and the ruling should be just as straight forward.  She does not deserve to be a mother at all!

It makes me angry that I allow such a disgraceful, pathetic, worthless, piece of rancid dick cheese scum, get under my skin the way it does and evoke emotions that are so left of centre to who I see myself being, who I really am.

I am angry at myself for not being able to find compassion, empathy, forgiveness and love for them when I have been able to do that for every other person in my life including myself, and lord knows that I have made mistakes.  But could I ever forgive myself for a mistake as huge as hers, as theirs?  No, fucking way!

I have tried to let go of my hatred, I truly have.  But with each day in court, with each new disclosure that went ignored, with each new mind fucking event that she allows to take place...I just can't get my head around it all enough for my heart to be able to be open to the possibility of an ounce of 'light' where she, they are concerned.

It truly eats me up inside and I wish with everything that it didn't.  I have considered walking away and just saying 'fuck it'...whatever happens happens but how can I do that in good faith, knowing that if she gets that little girl back in her care, I may as well also be signing her death warrant.  What scares me most of all is that I don't only mean that figuratively!

So...there it is, my two cents worth on a topic that is such an enormous part of our lives at present and a part that we really wish wasn't.

How do I get through each day despite these feelings eating me up from the inside out? 

I be the best mother I can be, ensuring that my children (all 3 of them) know what is and is not appropriate and acceptable behaviour by being a present, nurturing, loving, protective guiding force.  As much as I believe perfection is a state of mind, I also believe a mother should always aim towards it.  I show my man what it is to be part of family where love, rules, boundaries, routine and teamwork make us thrive.  I tell myself that its okay to feel the way I do and forgive myself for it, but remind myself that I do in fact need to let it go and never give up trying, because I refuse to give my power over to them!

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Holy Heck...it's been ages!

I am sure that I have said this before but seriously where the f*#k does time go?  It's like one minute you are welcoming in the new year and the next thing you know, the end of the year is only 4 months away...like WTF!  I don't know about you, but I'd like life to slow down a little so that I can catch up!

Yet again, it has been ages since I have written anything here. Why is that?  LIFE, life gets in the way, thats why!  Well, not life as such but all the shit that goes along with it.  By shit I ofcourse mean all forms of 'shit'...good shit, bad shit...bullshit.  Such a descriptive word 'shit' haha!  Not as powerful as FUCK though, that one is the bomb!  Fuck this shit!  Fuck yeah!  Is it only an Aussie thing or is using cuss words to describe our emotions, whether they be good or bad, also done globally?

Anyway there is no real point to this post other than to post something because I have been slack bitch, and theres another cuss word...classy Tash, real classy - NOT!  But hey, can't fault me on keeping it real.

So...

Um...

Okay...

That's it, I've got nothing else to add at this point but be sure to watch this space for more.  Hahaha that just gave me a mental image of a skeleton sitting in front of the screen waiting for me next post.

Nah, seriously...I will be posting again soon!

So until then this is me saying BUM, BUGGER, POO, BITCH just because I like the way it sounds and because I really have nothing more to add right now in the time frame in which to do it in.

I crack me up sometimes, or maybe it should be I'm cracked...the jury is still out on that one!

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The same yet different!

The common threads that I have observed in the indigenous/tribal contexts of healing throughout the lectures has been a strong holistic approach to medicine.  The view that health is more than just physical but also related to mind, body, community, nature and spirit. Balance of these things is paramount with each being inseparable from the other.

The belief in something greater than themselves played a big part in their lives and enabled a deep interconnectedness with everything within and without.  Traditions and values were the back bone of their culture; with knowledge, orally being passed down through story-telling, song, dance and art.

The ways in which the cultures addressed different components of illness by using varying approaches was also similar.  This included things such as prayer, manipulative therapies and herbal medicines to name a few.  Other commonalities included a trusted and respected member of the tribe holding the position of healer and acting as an intermediary to connect with ancestors of the past.

The affect that colonisation had upon the cultures was also similar; the introduction of new disease, foods foreign to their genetic makeup and changes to their way of life having a devastating impact to their health overall.

Although they share many similarities some of which are mentioned above, there are also things that set them apart from the other.

Geographical, climate and environmental differences meant that food sources varied based upon what was more readily available. Those in the Arctic survived on animal fat, South East/West America were more carbohydrate based and others such as the South West Coast of America had a higher protein diet from mammals and fish. 

The way in which the tribes lived also differed; from those that were nomadic/mobile based tribes to the more stationary/village based.  There was also a contrast in the way in which they lived, from those who resided in a tepee, to those who dwelt in the crevices of a rock face.

Although herbal treatments were a commonality of the cultures with similarities in the way in which herbs were administered, there was a uniqueness in their usage in the treatment of ailments.   Differences were also seen in the types of herbs available again due to environmental and climate factors, although there were cultures that did use the same herbs for differing purposes.

Despite spirituality being highly regarded across the tribal cultures, their religious beliefs varied; from the worship of either one or many gods/goddess’s and the masculine/feminine being interchanged between them.

There were also different beliefs in regards to the cause of illness; be it sent by gods as retribution for sin, alienation from cultural land and community or because of the taboos or virtues being broken.

Another difference that I noticed was the visibility and depth of knowledge that could be shared by some cultures but not by others. This, I believe is due to many of the cultures using oral transmission, thus not leaving behind written archives.

xox LLP, Tash

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