Putting it out there...

I wasn't ready to dive into this when I first posted as quite honestly for me it feels a bit like a broken record that is stuck on the same part of the song, and Im over it!

Oh, I'm referring to the "valid reasons" I mentioned in the last post. I used quotations here because for so long I haven't acknowledged them as that, because to me they've just been an excuse that I've allowed to control me. There really is a fine line between the two sometimes.  I guess the difference is whether you allow those valid reasons to become excuses, or if you do whatever you can to succeed in spite of them! 

Before I delve into them, I will say here that the reason I've decided to post about it, is because whether I like it or not, they are a major part of the bigger picture. I know, that it is important for me to acknowledge and make peace with it, so that I'm working with and not against it, in order to move forward! 

I will also add here that some days are worse than others but..., and there it is again, the but!

But..., it sucks that on those bad days, of which if I am honest, outweigh the good, I am restricted in so many ways, which makes consistency difficult. Actually, thinking about, I'm restricted on good days too, because if I push too hard then I know a bad one will follow, and so goes the vicious cycle, and the reason I gave up, surrendering to my excuses.  

I guess, I've been thinking in terms of black or white with no shades of grey, I do have a habit of doing that!  It's the all or nothing, and nothing half arsed attitude I've been wired to possess!  A great way to get things done, but not great for maintaining a state of equilibrium, and not a great way of being 'kind' to my overall wellbeing.  This mindset, programming, belief, is something that I am working on, but If I talk about that now I'll digress from getting out what I want to get, so let's come back to it later, or even in another blog! 

Another thing that sucks, is that I feel guilty for feeling this way because I know there are people out there who have endured, are enduring, so much worse, and yet...!  I know, I know, my feelings are mine and so they are valid blah blah, I am sure I wrote about this in a past blog. Actually, I'd better unpack that a bit as the blah blah makes it seem like I'm brushing it off, and I don't want that to be the case. I want to get rid of this unneeded baggage I'm carrying, and in order to do that, I need to be completely honest, real, and raw, as uncomfortable as it may be.  So let me give that another go..., 

I know..., that in feeling guilty about feeling the way I do, I am my own worst critic, and what I really need to do is treat myself with kindness. To acknowledge and accept that what I've been through, what I'm currently going through, is real.  As such, I have the right to feel whatever I am feeling, regardless of what others have been through, or are going through, relative to my own experience. In feeling what I'm feeling, it doesn't mean I'm ungrateful or more worthy to express it than another, it just simply means I'm human! Realistically, I can be grateful for an abundance of things in my life, and still suffer from my "valid reasons", as they are not mutually exclusive. So essentially, in feeling (gosh, I've used that word alot) that I don't have a right to complain about my circumstances, I've been invidating my feelings (there it is again)! 

So, here I am, giving myself permission to "feel", what I "feel", when I "feel" it, without "feeling" guilty, for "feeling" the way I "feel", in light of others' suffering that I hold empathy and compassion for.  Everyone has challenges, everyone faces adversity, it is just different for each if us! My challenges, my difficulties are mine and that makes them valid. Fullstop. Exclamation mark! 

My first step in no longer allowing them to control me, is to talk, well write about them in this very public forum. So here goes (in no particular order), let's start with what's been going on for me since the mastectomy,  hysterectomy..., and last foob surgery actually, as it's been since the latter that things have spiralled, which fits within the past 18 month timeline.  

Major epiphany moment right now! I mean, I just realised that after the last operation, life was crazy for one reason or another, and the emotions of that busyness were all over the shop!  Put simply, I didn't have, or more correctly, I didn't prioritise the proper time needed for me to heal. I just simply sucked it up and endured through it!  *Boom - mind blown* 

I digressed, where was I? Oh yeah, what I've been dealing with... 

Pain: This is something I face constantly, just on differing extremes.  

Type 1: The worst of it is the post-mastectomy/reconstruction neuralgia.  The best way I can describe it is this: Imagine having a hot poker randomly stuck into your side just under the armpit and then dragged along the border of your breasts; or perhaps having it randomly jabbed into your chest or nipple and twisted; or, and this is probably my least favourite, having that hot poker jabbed into your inner thigh and pulled slowly upwards towards the groin.  It's not fun, that's for sure, and I have a high pain threshold! 

Type 2: A few months ago, after I researched and presented my doc with my theory, and asked for antibody tests to prove it, we discovered that at some stage I had shingles.  The reason for investigating this, random pain in my left shoulder blade, which had been happening for a while but I'd ignored.  This also starts with the hot poker, but then feels more like I have bugs biting me under the skin, which then gets so itchy I could claw my skin apart. 

Type 3: Then ofcourse there's my lower back, which seems to have a mind of its own and every now and then will decide to just not play nice. I have MRI results from the last time I even up in hospital, and basically it's nerve compression, bulging discs, degeneration. I can't even begin to describe what the actual back pain feels like, but I can say that in combination with it, I experience what feels like the bones in my hoohar are broken, hmm out of place.  I have no other words.  I do see an awesome chiropractor which helps.  However,  I don't make myself a priority to have regular maintenance, which means it's always just about fixing the problem to get me back on my feet. The weight gain ofcourse, does not help! I'll talk more about the last two things in another post! 

Type 4: For a while now (not long after the hysterectomy actually and that was in August 2020), I've been experiencing phantom ovary pain, which considering my ovaries were removed is odd to say the least.  This feels like someone punching me deep in the lower left side of my gut and then squeezing and twisting, letting go, and then doing it again when I least expect it.  I have had tests for it, and one finding was diverticulitis, and another revealed that I've torn a deep abdominal muscle; how is anyone's guess! My gallbladder, pancreas, and liver were all clear when I was last tested in Jan 2020 after the random episode that landed me in hospital on Aces 16th, although in my recent Naturopathic appointment, this was an area that was highlighted to be supported. So who knows! 

I think that's about it for the pain, other than the fact that my bung knee has been making its presence known again.  Once again the weight gain doesn't help! Anyway, on my good days the pains there but lingers in the background like a creepy stalker.  On my worst days, I have all types all at once, and there's not nearly enough cuss words to help ease it! 

The 'general' solution given: A crap tonne of a myriad of medication for months on end, all with the same side effect of weight gain, and sedation ranging from "here but not here' and 'goodnight, I'll see you in a couple of days'.  The good news however is that I am no longer taking any pain meds what so ever.  I will admit though, there's a part of me that isn't convinced it's a good thing, as the downfall of that is somedays the pain is ultra intense to the point of unbearable.  Pain isn't your friend, despite all the claims it is! Anyway, the damage of taking them for as long as I did is hard to reverse, and the whole addiction and withdrawal stuff isn't much fun either.  Oh, you wanna know something ironic.  I deal with all these types of pain with nary a complaint, but if I get the smallest injury e.g. broken toe, or paper cut, you'll hear about haha! 

Lymphedema: I never understood how truly painful and debilitating this is, until experiencing it.  Some days I feel like my arms and legs are going to explode, and trying to move them is like lifting blocks of concrete. There's the cankles, and  calves bigger than my thighs, which means somedays not even my socks will fit, let alone the clothing I wore only a day or two ago. And walking only a few steps can feel like a marathon.  My hands on somedays can't even hold a pen, and are so sore and swollen that I can't hold my husbands hand.  If I play guitar, piano, paint, write or even type for a long period, then my hands are out of action for at least a couple of days due to the swelling.  This one is something I'm struggling with the most I think, because I really miss working, and I need my hands to do it. I do like digging in my elbows but I need to build up to that part haha!  

Oh and talking about elbows, very recently, I've gotten bloody psoriasis!  I've dealt with that in the past on my scalp, but never anywhere else.  With the scalp it happened whenever the water source would change.  But the elbows I don't know!  I'm going to make a herbal cream, and look into it a bit more before it gets worse, but I digressed, again! 

I have a Lymphodema specialist, and recently received my compression stockings from the SWEP program; I'm still waiting on the ones for my arms and hands.  They are great and definitely help, but it is like running a marathon just to get them on and off.  Not only that, my lymphoedema is worse for heat, which means I need to wear them in summer and I am not looking forward to that, especially considering the menopausal hot flushes. Oh did I mention that the more I 'move' the worse it gets?  And yet, physical activity, and weight loss are things that will also make it better!  And there in lies another reason I just gave up and allowed it to control me! 

Menopause: I really don't even know where to begin with this one. Let's see, hot flushes day and night, restless legs, mood swings, no libido whatsoever, dry skin, coarse hair, random chin blemishes, weigh gain. As I can't do Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and am limited with herbal options, I've really done nothing to support myself through it.  Oh I did try a pharmacological medication was technically for depression and nerve pain, but also helps dilate blood vessels which helps to reduce hot flushes BUT that was a major NO!  I woke up one morning and my eyes were BULGING out of my head.  Imagine like a wide eyed stare!  It freaked me out.  Doc suggested stopping the meds and then trying again in a few days, which I did and yeah same thing happened so f*@^ that! 

Abnormal vaginal cells: So even though I've had everything removed, given my history I still need to have regular 'vault' smears.  I thought the regular ones were uncomfortable, give me one of those any day. Anyway, test came back as abnormal cells present. So for the past 5 months, every 2 weeks I've been going in and having treatment which burns like a freaking mofo.  To be honest the worst of it is when it's happening, and after that it's more uncomfortable/stingy when sitting and walking for the next few days.  

Lapband Leak:  My band is fooboocachooed!  In fact, there was a mention of removal, which scares the crap out of me and yet its actually not doing anything for me so why not remove it.  I'm not surgery ready yet in both body and mind, but this is something I'll address more down the track. There is alot of resentment around the fact that it isnt working anymore. And yet, I had no fluid it in for so long because I didnt want to rely on it.  Maybe thats the resentment, I wanted it as my back up plan.  Oh well, its not so yeah!  I will be honest, I asked for the sleeve or bypass, but sadly as a public patient, the wait is huge, and I have a lot of scarring, and well, there were alot of brickwalls. 

Insulin Resistance: That is exactly as it says, a resistance to the hormone insulin, which helps to control the amount of glucose (sugar) in the blood, and because the body cells don't respond to the glucose 'normally', it accumulates in the blood, and in my case lead type 2 diabetes, oh and weight gain, and a myriad of other symptoms such as skin conditions (the psoriasis is making more sense), vision disturbance (aka my glasses becoming a permanent fixture these days), vaginal disturbance (hmmm, hello burning fortnightly), concentration issues, memory loss, and so on and so forth!  

What doesn't help this fact, is my lack of consistency in eating; be it eating crap (although in all truth this isnt a major factor; although I will admit that there is still room for adjustment and improvement), or skipping meals; or a combination of both.  Truthfully, it's the skipping meals that is my worst habit, and yet again I've entered starvation mode.  This is, because I don't regularly give my body the fuel it needs to adequately function, the brain triggers a reponse to store the food I consume, rather than using it for energy as a protective mechanism against starvation! 

I'm not going to lie, there is part of me that wants to berate and belittle myself for being in this place again when I freaking know better, but that isn't what's going to help, being unkind to myself is what got me here.  So instead I'm just going to acknowledge it, forgive myself, and love myself enough to turn it around. 

Oh, wanna know something else that impacts metabolic conditions massively? STRESS!!! 

Unfortunately, there are things that are stressing me out massively which I am unable to control. The biggest one, is the lack of finances because since July I havent gotten a payment from centrelink and despite trying to fix it, I keep getting the same message of "...We are still working on it, cases can take longer if complex or if its a busy period", add to that the fact that Marks boss still owes him money, but hasnt paid it yet, which isnt the first time and despite the promise it wouldnt happen again, here we are not able to pay rent when he's out living it up at the Casino - WTAF!  All I can say, is I am so thankful for my kids, but in saying that having to borrow money from them makes me feel like the biggest failure as a parent ever!  It is so easy to say why dont you restart your massage business, or go get a part-time job, but the truth is, its not that easy right now, and it sucks, but I am working on it, it just wont happen as quickly as I'd like, and that also sucks!

Ofcourse there are other stressors too, like uni for instance, but those are normal, and those I can deal with easily enough.  Its more so the lack of finances, Marks declining health, my health and my high expectation for perfection that has the biggest impact.

You know, if a friend of mine, or let's say a client because that's going to be the case soon enough, came to me with all of these things, I know without any hesitation I would say... 

"Holy heck girl, you are amazing!  I mean, just dealing with one of those things is awesome, but to be experiencing them all at once, and on top of it all you are studying, running a household of 6 to 8, and caring for your husband and family at the same time, like WOW.  You are a freaking super woman!" 

Why then, have I been so bloody hard on myself!?! 

I had an EFT tapping session yesterday that was AH-MAZING!  Actually, I had my first last week before I started blogging again, and the shift has been phenomenal. So, as briefly as I can manage here's the revalation! 

Remember how I said I have an all or nothing, and nothing half arsed attitude, but at the same time, struggle with the fact I lack consistency? In a nut shell: Good days equals giving it all I've got, which sees me pushing to the extreme, this inturn results in the Bad days which leaves me frustrated and feeling like a failure, and so rather than do it half arsed, I choose nothing at all! Although they are valid, all of the things I listed above isn't the 'reason' for my lack of consistency. The reason, is my mindset, my level of self expectation, my desire for perfection!  But, I've been measuring my level of self expectation against the pre-sugury me, the me who didn't have all these other 'valid reasons' in her life. Yes, there were other things I was dealing with, but looking back on them now, they were not the same calibre, AND I had already put in the hard yards to get where I was. So essentially, I was trying to go from point A to point Z, without all the steps in between, and in doing so, set myself up for failure!

I have now realised, that I am better off finding a middle ground so that I can maintain consistency, because something is better than nothing! BOOM - Mic Drop!

And..., I have also realised why the Australian Bush Flower Essence "Confid", that my Naturopath choose for me, actually does make sense!

In case you dont know, Flower Essences are a vibrational energetic liquid plant medicine which addresses emotional and spiritual imbalances by stimulating the bodies innate ability to return to a state of optimal balance.  They are made by steeping fresh flower blossoms in water, thereby imprinting the water with the plants energetic patterning.  Flower Essences may be prescribed as a single essence to target a specific area of need, or as a blend which addresses several areas at once, dependent upon the presenting signs/symptoms and outcome desired.  There is different brand and types of essences, and each of the flowers relates to a different emotion.

It is a dream of mine to purchase a flower essence kit, so that I can prepare blends for others to help them on an energetic level, oooohhh maybe I can add certain flowers to my garden too so that I can make my own essenses.