For every up there is a...

You know how it goes right?  In life you take the ups with the downs!

I shouldn't really be surprised that after my big 'I GOT ENGAGED' weekend I started feeling a little off colour, albeit still floating on a cloud of newly engaged bliss - until yesterday anyway!

  

There was no need for me to wear a Halloween costume this year - I already looked frightful enough without one.  Autoimmune / constant tonsillitis sucks big time!

I'm embarrassed to share this but it's the reality of my life.

The bags and dark circles are after sleeping for hours on end with thanks to phenergan.  The sore under my nose was a massive blister - cold sore thing,  I'm thankful it wasn't on my lips - it's been 2 week and it is still there.  You can't see it properly in the side photo but the lymph node in the throat is massive.

On top of me feeling like crap, yesterday we had yet another court date focusing on two things. 

1. Getting our little girl (my step daughter) to come and live with us full time rather than the only other alternative which is remaining in DHS/Foster Care.

2.  Ensuring that other orders are kept in place so that she (or anyone else - as we truly believe its only a matter of time that they 'all' cross a line) are never traumatised in the same way.

For the past 48 hours I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions from disappointment, anger (well more rage), sadness, hatred, confusion, disbelief and so on - I can't even begin to describe the myriad of emotions adequately enough.   My head has been thumping from the constant battle its been having with my heart which has felt like its breaking and I've been drowning in a haze of my own grief. 

There is just so much I want to say but can't due to legalities.  This whole situation is just purely and utterly FUCKED!  

Dealing with DHS as frustrating as it is, is the easy part.  

Dealing with the narcissistic incubator is a different story.  I could say so much more but they really aren't worth the energy it would take to express it...I'd rather spend my time cleaning up dog shit!

So anyway, tonight I sat and played my guitar and sang my heart out to some original songs.  As always music was my saviour and I walked away feeling like I've released it all to the universe, God, whatever you believe in - rather than continuing to carrying something that is tearing me apart when I have so many blessings in my life that keep me together.

The video quality sucks and is not my best vocal work...

But as I said earlier, I have a golf ball covered in razor blades in my throat

With regards to this court case, one thing I know for sure is that I don't quit when the going gets tough.  I am a fighter and give it everything I can until there is nothing left to give and that is exactly what I am going to do.  What WE, are going to do.

Mark and I spoke today about what our wishes are and what we are and are not willing to do in order to make them a reality.  Win or lose we will know that we have given it all we've got but still kept our self respect - that is something that can't be taken away unless we give it and it's not for sale regardless of the prize!

We have another court date coming up in December, then again in February and the big 10 day contest in March which will hopefully give us a final result.  No doubt more dates will come up along the way and as emotionally draining as they are, we can get through it together.