Thoughts...

12 noon

I've just returned home from a counselling session and as always it has helped heaps, but I still have so much going on in this head of mine and so I thought I would try and get it out on the page so that I can de-clutter and have room to actually process each one individually.  Omgoodness where to start...

Uni - I'm gonna say it again 'Holy shit - what was I thinking?'.  How the fuck am I going to find 20 hours a week to dedicate to this?  How the fuck am I going to remember everything?  Should I already be enrolling for me next subjects?  What if I can't remember all the stuff from the subjects I got exemptions for?  

Court - Is fighting for what we are fighting for really the best thing for my family, for me?  Should we work towards rebuilding the broken relationships?  Would we just be inviting the devil back into our lives?  Are my doubts just fear?  How can I keep my boys protected?  Am I being overprotective?

Wedding - Do we save up for a proper one or do we just elope and use the money for things we really need?  What kind of dress do I want? Am I going to lose weight?  Maybe I shouldn't focus on that because what if it triggers my eating disorder? If we go on a family holiday where should we go? Will we be able to fit it in with everything going on?

Money - I am so sick of being broke!  How can I continue to work and study at the same time?  How are we going to manage Christmas, Ace's Birthday and still live?  How are we going to manage during the recovery period after my op? 

Health - I'm sick yet again wtf!  I just want these tonsils out ffs!  When are they going to finally rip them out?  Oh shit if it is this year I still have a crap load of stuff to organise!  

My Ex - Do I drop off the boys next fortnight even though they don't really want to go and the reason why they don't want to go is valid and despite me discussing it with their Dad after the first time and him sating it wouldn't happen again?  Thankfully he is moving soon so it shouldn't be an issue again but what to do in the meantime?

Family - I'm worried about Mum especially more so now that we lost our pet cockatoo of 35+ years last week.  I'm worried about me not having a bond with my niece and nephew due to not seeing them because of always being sick.  

Plus so so many more thoughts about everything...its pure craziness!

As you can imagine each thought is popping up and then I'm having a conversation with myself, well more of a debate between my heart and my head. I guess the positive is that I have good supports that I can use to give me different perspectives on each of my thoughts even if often it just throws yet another train of thought into the mix.

Phew any wonder I am so exhausted.  It doesn't help that I haven't had a decent sleep for the past 3 nights because I've been worried about my youngest having an asthma attack in his sleep - and see that just sent off another train of thought about how my sisters coping? and me feeling guilty worrying about my son when my little nephew is only a bubba and they are going through so much more.  FFS...I need to turn off my brain!  

10.00pm

So this afternoon after blood tests, doctors appointments and running around to find somewhere to print and laminate an A3 sheet for uni I came home and thought I'd lay down while I watch my Uni Tutorial before needing to work tonight.  A few hours later I woke up oops!  Thankfully my sweet man had messaged to clients to say I was unwell, did everything else that needed to be done around the house and also took care of our boys - gosh he's just the best!

So anyway here I am still exhausted despite my long afternoon/eveing nana nap.

On a positive though getting my thoughts out of my head and down on paper (well my phone screen) has helped somewhat...makes it more like something I can come back to and address one by one rather than being  jumbled mess.

Another positive is that tomorrow is a day off work so I plan to sleep in and then make a proper start on my uni stuff. 

Tonight however I am going to shut down this brain of mine and rest...my phone is at 3% so maybe its a sign lol.

Oh and yes I know MINDFULNESS - I have all the skills I just need to do it!