Reaching our limits & Overwhelmed Update...

On Wednesday, despite yet again feeling like absolute crap I pushed through and did my morning session of work.  Towards the end of the hour however I could feel that I was tiring really quickly.  I managed to get through and figured  that after an hour break I should be OK enough for my next appointment.  After 45 minutes my energy level still had not increased, if anything I felt even more depleted.  I uummed and arrhhed about whether to just push through again or to stop and really listen to what my body was telling me and ended up sending a last minute cancellation message and then went to bed for the rest of the day.  

I was hoping to get out in the garden as the rain had cleared for a little while so that made my decision making a little tough because my philosophy is that if I'm not well enough to work then I'm not well enough to garden.  I have the same kind of mental thought pattern when it comes to my housework - if I'm well enough to clean my house (to the ocd standard I like) then i am well enough to work.

The fact that I needed to be well enough to attend my sons Grade 6 production that he had been working so hard on and incredibly excited about ended up being the biggest motivator for me to call it quits for the day.  

If it wasn't for that I believe I would of probably pushed past that limit because I really dislike letting someone down.  I know realistically that me pushing through with work and then gardening and going out would of resulted in me being out of action for longer than just the afternoon, which would mean letting more than just that one person down but having to send that message was like me failing on so many different levels.

It is so hard when you work for yourself as no work equals no money (which of course means struggling to stay on top financially which is bloody stressful) and cancelling means not only letting people down but the possibly of losing them as a client.  Even though I have explained my health situation to everyone and I am so blessed that they are all incredibly understanding and supportive it is still something that worries me.

BUT, there has to be a point where all that is not as important as your own well being. I have learnt that unless you stop before crossing that line, the hole will just become bigger and harder to climb out of seeing you down for longer than is necessary if you just acknowledged that you were close to reaching that limit in the first place and yet despite knowing all this I still worked that morning and considered pushing through that afternoon.  Why oh why am i my own worth enemy.  

Today we had court and surprise surprise it was yet another waste of time.  We did find out though that the reason the report wasn't completed is because the other party hasn't bothered to attend the appointments needed to progress because she's been unwell - they didn't bother to show up today either...Seriously!  I've been unwell, Mark's been unwell and in hospital, I've also been taking someone else to their medical appointments and caring for them on top of my family and yet we have managed to attend all our appointments - all freaking 6 of them!  Lazy bitch honestly...the future of a little girl is waiting on this and yet they put themselves first yet again.  Anyway, a positive is that we got an updated DHS report which confirmed a lot of things we thought, still not enough being done on their part though - so much is going under the radar which is infuriating.

As we couldn't really progress today we got to come home early and I went straight back to bed and slept all afternoon, which was so needed.  Now, however I am finding it difficult to sleep despite still being tired...luckily I have my blog to keep me company.