....but with the realisation and living of that truth - comes the joy!
Tonight Jhanine (my bestie) asked me to remember and believe that line. She also made me promise her to change my destructive patterns and to start to eat and allow the food to stay in my body. This is easier said than done. I am terrified for so many reasons that to me seem valid and logical and yet to others will just sound completely stupid. I can't even express in words exactly what is going on inside this head of mine and the amount of mixed emotions that I am experiencing.
If you read the last blog you would see that I have put on weight despite my measurements coming down because of working my arse off in the Gym. This is not because Muscle weighs more than Fat because this is not true; it is because my body is in Starvation Mode which means that my metabolism has slowed down so much that my body is storing anything that I allow it to have as fat.
In other words, I am sick! I have an eating disorder called Anorexia!! OMG that just sounds so F'n stupid to me, I associate Anorexia with people who are skin and bones Skinny and when I look at myself all I see is Fat! Fat! Fat! Bulimia I can accept, although now the band does that for me, no more self induced purges. Hmmm not entirely true because on another level it is induced!
Why I am in Starvation Mode:
The amount of Calories I need to live = 1648
The amount of Calories I had today = <40>
And this hasn't just happended today it is most days and on the days that I do allow myself more calories I either feel so guilty about it that I end up so depressed that I cant be bothered doing anything, seeing or talking to anyone OR I work my arse off exercising so that I can burn it off.
I am going to change this destructive behaviour!! As much as I feel as though I am trapped in the fog and can't get out, I honour my promises.
Jhanine ended her blog tonight by saying that there is no substitute for your health. No number on a scale or a tape measure, measures your worth as a person. No weight loss goal is worth reaching if it is at the sake of your health and well being. I wish I could believe it!
One thing that did hit hard though was when I saw her crying in pain along side me and then saw the tears well in Glenn's eyes when I told him. When you put yourself in danger through unhealthy habits and extreme measures to achieve a goal, you are not the only person that you hurt.
I do not want your pitty or sympathy, this is not why I am sharing this information. I am just asking for you to be there with me on the tough days ahead and to lend a hand when I stumble or to push me a little when the hills are more live mountains.
Glenn said to me tonight: "I met you when you were big and I loved you then so that won't change now if you put on weight....I love YOU silly!!". He will never truly understand how much it meant to me to hear him say that.
Anyway I don't know what else to say and this has taken me over an hour to write as it is, so I am going to head to bed and get some rest. Tomorrow I need to get up and eat 1648 Calories and my guts is in knots just thinking about it. But as the saying goes....The first steps always the hardest!!
Click "HERE" to read Jhanines blog!
I was once an anorexic. Actually not too long ago. I normally should weigh maybe 180 lbs (82 kilos) I starved myself down to 135 lbs (61 kilos) I looked like death stewed over. Literally! My face was an empty skeleton. Every time I ate I was like you and felt terribly guilty. So I made it a habit to just not eat. I hear people say that your body's metabolism slows down but this must only last so long. This went on for quite some time until I finally decided enough was enough. Then I started eating small amounts several times a day and managed to keep the weight off. But old habits run deep and after a while I began eating until I was stuffed regularly and then started gaining weight again. I now am 221 lbs (100 kilos) and rising. Seems like my whole life has been spent trying to control my weight. Funny, the more I try to control it the more it controls me. I think maybe we place too much importance on our weight and not enough importance on how we feel. Which is more important? Being thin or being happy. Are we really happy when we are thin? I know I wasn't. Are we sad when we are over weight? I'm not. I think there has to be a fine line somewhere where we can come to a point where we can live with ourselves and be happy with who we are. Being skinny doesn't make you any better. When you are an anorexic you could be a twig and still look in the mirror and all you will see is fat. It all comes down to person being able to see reality and not see a mirage. Being obsessed with anything means we are not in control of our thinking. Which is more unhealthy? Being overweight or being under nourished. Seems there is no in between for anorexics. It one or the other. The first step in curing yourself is realizing you are obsessed. We are all after all, our own best psychiatrists. I think maybe sometimes we spend way to much time worrying about how we look to others when we should really be worrying about how we look to ourselves. In the end it is yourself who you come to and rely on for everything. I really think that if you are not obese then don't worry too much over it. Some people are just built differently and are predisposed to having a different body type that others. It is very hard to fight mother nature. When you do and you don't accept what mother nature has given you then the psychosis begins and gradually becomes full blown anorexia. I've been on the verge of death due to being too thin and I've been on the verge of death being too plump. I'm shooting for some place in between.
ReplyDeleteWell, that's my two cents worth on the subject. I love you skinny and I love you pleasantly plump, but more than anything, I so love you being happy! Being unhappy is the most unhealthy thing you can be!!!
Rob
Rob said it all so very well.
ReplyDeleteI know that, over the coming days and weeks you are going to curse me and I probably won't be your favorite person in the world. If that is the price that has to be paid for you to get better (or, at least begin to)then bring it on. I'm a tough cookie and I can handle it.
I have to say that my pride swelled even further when I read how wonderful Glenn was with you last night. I hope he can at least try to understand how difficult and terrifying this process is going to be. Please tell him that, if he needs and ear, I am here. You know that the same applies for you.
I love you very much and just want to see you truly happy.
xoxo