In my previous blog I was talking about the changes that have occurred in my life in the part for 4 years and how I am learning to say No...This is the first past of the back story. You can read the previous post HERE!
For me, everything started changing with the loss of a long term friendship.
Whilst I will admit that it was due to me breaking an unwritten moral code and betraying the trust of my best friend, the backlash that followed was just purely shit!
After counselling from friends, family and professionals I made a decision to draw a line and take the step I felt was needed in order to preserve my sanity and put an end to it in the only way I felt was possible at the time. To say that making the decision was hard, would be an understatement. To say it was fucking hard, would still be an understatement. Despite regretting what I had done and knowing that it was a downright 'c*N&s act', I could't take it back and no amount of apologies was going to remove the feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, hatred...that was being felt from the other side and so I did what I needed to do in order to be able to move forward and end the torment.
It is really hard going from talking to someone every day and sharing every aspect of your life, to what feels like completely wiping them from existence; holding so much remorse for your actions and yet at the same time holding resentment towards someone for the way they are reacting to it, even though you know that the reason behind it is warranted and justified to a certain extent.
It took me a long time to forgive myself for making such a huge mistake, as not only did I lose my best friend but also a really good mate (even though we are talking again now, you know the saying 'once bitten, twice shy' - I will never be naive ever again!) and their kids too; some days it felt like we were more like family than friends.
I think back on our friendship quite often and wonder if we were toxic for each other like people have said we were. I know better than anyone that some days it felt as though we had to compete against each other, and quite often my self esteem would hit an all time low over something that was said or done. But in other ways, she was my rock and together we could achieve anything; it was us against the world.
In the past 4 years since 'it' happened I have gone through times where I have missed her like crazy, then other times when I've remembered the 'backlash' and how fucking terrible it all was and so reverted to back to being glad she wasn't in my life. Truth be told, I never stopped loving and caring about her and wishing that I had of just been honest and open about everything rather than living a lie and being deceitful.
For me, everything started changing with the loss of a long term friendship.
Whilst I will admit that it was due to me breaking an unwritten moral code and betraying the trust of my best friend, the backlash that followed was just purely shit!
After counselling from friends, family and professionals I made a decision to draw a line and take the step I felt was needed in order to preserve my sanity and put an end to it in the only way I felt was possible at the time. To say that making the decision was hard, would be an understatement. To say it was fucking hard, would still be an understatement. Despite regretting what I had done and knowing that it was a downright 'c*N&s act', I could't take it back and no amount of apologies was going to remove the feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, hatred...that was being felt from the other side and so I did what I needed to do in order to be able to move forward and end the torment.
It is really hard going from talking to someone every day and sharing every aspect of your life, to what feels like completely wiping them from existence; holding so much remorse for your actions and yet at the same time holding resentment towards someone for the way they are reacting to it, even though you know that the reason behind it is warranted and justified to a certain extent.
It took me a long time to forgive myself for making such a huge mistake, as not only did I lose my best friend but also a really good mate (even though we are talking again now, you know the saying 'once bitten, twice shy' - I will never be naive ever again!) and their kids too; some days it felt like we were more like family than friends.
I think back on our friendship quite often and wonder if we were toxic for each other like people have said we were. I know better than anyone that some days it felt as though we had to compete against each other, and quite often my self esteem would hit an all time low over something that was said or done. But in other ways, she was my rock and together we could achieve anything; it was us against the world.
In the past 4 years since 'it' happened I have gone through times where I have missed her like crazy, then other times when I've remembered the 'backlash' and how fucking terrible it all was and so reverted to back to being glad she wasn't in my life. Truth be told, I never stopped loving and caring about her and wishing that I had of just been honest and open about everything rather than living a lie and being deceitful.
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I welcome all messages and comments that are positive and encouraging. If however you do have some criticism please make sure that it is constructive rather than destructive. Much Love, Light and Peace XOXO Tash!