Daily Meditation Catch up...

I have sat and read my daily meditations and reflected upon each as I go about my day, but just not gotten a chance to sit and write a blog - so here is a quick catch up!

September 16 - Being Obsessed...

'As our addictions progress, our values regress'.

My daily meditation book is written for woman who do too much, so today's meditation reflected upon on us wanting more recognition, more power, more money, more acceptance and the fact that we lose touch with our morality and spirituality in our obsession to obtain them. 

I believe this to be true of all kinds of addictions and not just work...they are formed of our need for something. Be it the above mentioned or an escape from reality. 

Whatever the addiction or the reason for it, we get so involved with 'it' that somewhere along the line we lose a part of our self. Although in saying that, I also think that if we are able to recognize and overcome our addiction, we gain a lesson that we wouldn't otherwise learn if it wasn't for our addiction - but of course we first have to acknowledge that we are in fact obsessed with something - this I think is a tough reality to face.

I am no stranger to addiction. I actually think that I become addicted to something quite easily and fully immerse myself in it...an addictive personality type, I think its called.

The older I get though; or maybe its from the experience of overcoming my addictions in the past, I seem to be able to step back easier and recognize my patterns before I am at the point where it skyrockets and everything falls apart at the seems around me.

I am so thankful for overcoming the addictions that could of seen me found in a gutter somewhere - Ace was definitely the miracle I needed at that time.

Although no longer drugs, alcohol and sex, I still have obsessions / addictions although they don't run my life like the other three things used to.  I am in control of them...other than one, SMOKING!

I am obsessive compulsive about my house being in order....although I have gotten better.  Today for example a friend came over and I had dishes on my sink and folded washing on my table.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I can very easily go down the path of eating disorder hell and become manic about my training.  

AND...more recently my gardening has become an obsession - I just want it finished.

Before that it was my jewellery making and knitting but the garden has taken over.

Oh...maybe I'm a little blog crazy at the moment too but hey better to get all these ramblings on a page and not left in my head right!

September 17 - Gifts / Worrying

'The unplanned and uncontrollable gifts we receive add colour to the tapestry of living'.

What a beautiful sentence...

Today's meditation was about the fact that worrying does no good other than to feed the worry.  Releasing ourselves of the burden however, will allow us to see the 'gifts' presented within the situation.

September 18 - Guilt

'Giving out of guilt is like sharing an apple full of worms.  We have to take care of ourselves before we can clearly and cleanly give to others'.

The meditation today spoke of putting my own needs first without feeling a sense of quilt or selfishness.

This is something I struggle with A LOT!

I found a quote that said 'Putting yourself first isn't selfish, Thinking about yourself constantly is' and it really resonates with me.

I am far from selfish, in fact I think I need to learn to be a little more selfish as I tend to always put others above myself.  Be it, home or work life.  I will add a side note here though, and say that the times I have been 'selfish' have ended up with shit hitting the fan big time, so maybe I have become over cautious.

Since I have been unwell however, I have pulled back on 'giving' so much to others (other than my family) and putting my own mental and physical well being first.  It has been more out of necessity than instinct but still a change that I have made.  I still push the boundaries on occasion as you may have read about in previous blog posts, but I am getting better at saying no and not pushing my limits.

Before and after doing so though I find that I need to rationalize my decisions over and over again as it constantly plays on my mind.  My counsellor has actually said that she doesn't know why I keep seeing her when I have already thought of every possible scenario and outcome and chosen the best path - yes I am an over thinker!   Anyway even when making my decisions to put myself first my boys well being comes first.  This I don't think is that much of a bad thing though despite people telling me that one day they will be grown up and leave home and making decisions to suit themselves.  Omgoodness I don't even want to think about that.

So anyway, I guess it comes down to trusting that I know what is best for me and running with it without feeling guilty about it.