Demanding Too Much Of Oneself...

September 7 - Demanding Too Much Of Oneself...

"Today, I will be willing to look at the possibility that my self-battering is an arrogant and self-centered activity that is not useful to me or anyone else."

Oh gosh, I can relate to today's meditation, that's for sure...

Being an over achiever and your own worst critic is exhausting on all levels.  Not only does it mean that you give everything you have towards reaching a goal, but it also means you are never really happy when you reach it.  You always feel as though you could of done better somehow, and so you go over everything again and again in your mind trying to think of ways to make sure that next time you do a better job, never once acknowledging the achievements you have made, or worse, brushing them aside as if it's no big deal.

Most of my school years were exactly like this.  I would get an A on an assignment but be disappointed that I didn't get an A+.  Even more recently as an adult; I would have a huge work day and take care of the demands of my household making sure everyone was happy and healthy and that the house was spotless and all jobs were done, only to be disappointed at the end of the day because I had forgotten to do 'one' thing and yet what I didn't give myself credit for was everything else I had achieved that day.  I always felt like I should have done more, should of remembered to do this or that.  

Because of demanding so much from myself I often felt as though 'I' no longer existed outside of that which I do, be it parenting or my work role (musician, photographer, massage therapist, personal trainer, one or all).  At times it even seemed as though all the aspects of my life just devoured the 'ME' that I once knew and there wasn't enough of me to go around. I wasn't enough for all of us, for all of it, for me!

I can also remember feeling a sense of guilt for 'taking a day off ' because I felt selfish and lazy and that my whole world would come crashing down.  Nowadays though, I know it is necessary and it gives me a chance to rest, recover and reconnect with me.  

Some days I catch myself in those old patterns of self demand, but I gently remind myself that tomorrow is a new day that holds new opportunities.  I don't think I will ever stop striving for perfection in my life, but I have learn't to cut myself a little bit of slack and to not have things done 'yesterday' or perfectly symmetrical and alphabetised.   I make sure that I acknowledge that which I have achieved even if it has only been the bare minimum.  I have also realised that I don't need to spread myself so thinly between everyone, everything, that even if I can only give a little of my time, it is enough - I am enough.  

Another big lesson I have learn't overtime is that if 'I' don't believe and feel that I am enough for me, then I won't ever truly be enough for anyone else.  In order to give of yourself to others, you first need to give to yourself.